Buckley3

Day 12. Halfway through my trip. Managed to avoid temptation to go to a bar after the work session today. Win.

Mostly the challenges so far has been periodic flashes/ impulses of seeing/ wanting to go have a drink followed by a moment of disappointment - like, an “ o yea your sober so I guess you miss out” kinda thing.

Once the moment passes I am able to recognize what a crock of bs that is. I think somewhere in the big book it mentions how we as alcoholics lived so long with it that we don’t even know there’s another way to live. That as dysfunctional as it is, it’s our normal.

Until it isn’t anymore. Until - in my case - something happens that forces me to see through the denial and rationalization. In that sense, as challenging as it may be, I’m glad it did happen. I at least feel halfway awake now.

Thing is, I haven’t done anything to replace it yet. And I think that’s what’s driving the challenge I’ve faced with this of late. Also, last night I started realizing there are things about me that need to change - self centered ness as an example. But if I’m really honest with myself I don’t know if I can. And even more honest - ironically - I don’t know if I want to. I wonder if that makes any sense to anyone.

That said I’m cutting myself some slack. I’m early in this, have a lot going on. So for now it’s just important to not drink. That may not be a long term solution, but I feel like it’s enough for now.

Glad to be able to post. I can say that I connected with the team today in a way I havent before. And I am consciously practicing being less judgmental toward others and am trying to show genuine interest in seeing if there’s anything I have that can help them. Again, I think that’s enough for now. Kinda digging that to be honest.

-B

ScottFromWI

Congrats on day 12 Buckley. I think when you talk about "filling that hole", that's where having a solid recovery plan to fall back on really helps. You are very correct that not drinking is most important right now, and good job on noticing the pitfalls/triggers and making alternative plans to avoid them.

Rar

YAY for you Buckley in maintaining your sobriety during your trip. It is a difficult situation so early in sobriety, but you're doing it and doing it well. Yes, you do have lots on your plate, but you're doing an awesome job in getting through it. Stay close and thanks for letting us know how you are.

Buckley3

Thanks so much gang. Really helps.

So, I took a nap. Naps are good. Decided I’m going to lay low. Went for a walk. I bet I end up getting 8-10 hours of sleep. Which is crazy- hard to think I’m about to come off one of these trips both sober and well rested. About a month ago I was doing a training session out west. Went to the bar after and ended up passed out face down on my hotel room floor. Like, face down. No pillow. You guys get it I’m sure.

Struggled through the next day mightily. Sure as heck don’t miss that.

-B

JayTee33

Buckley, congratulations on 12 days, and on remaining committed to your journey during your work trip! Work travel was always one of the worst situations for drinking in my case, at least earlier in my career.

I totally get how you feel re. realizing that there are things you want/need to change about yourself. The deep introspection that my recovery journey has started is dredging up lots of stuff - some of it good, some of it bad, a lot of it scary. Like you, right now I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself. But I do look towards the challenges ahead re. changing myself for the better with a mix of excitement and trepidation. Wish you nothing but the best! Good night!

Dee74

well done on 12 days Buckley

I tried a lot of things people and stuff to fill that hole in me...it was bottomless...

turns out focusing on trying to heal it worked a lot better

Gottalife

That was an insightful remark Buckley. Just reminded me of a passage in the big book which expresses the view that they found it vital to deal with selfishness.

"They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid."

And I concur both with the need to have God make the changes through the steps, and your feeling that maybe you want to hang on to some of it. "If we are not willing we ask until it comes (willingness to let go". Step seven seems to be a work in progress for me.

I don't know how new you are to recovery, or the extent to which you have travelled down the alcoholic road, but be wary of the idea that just not drinking is enough for now. If you have the power to do that, then you don't need AA, but if you are like me, there is a time limit on how long you can take before you get busy. When it expires the window of opportunity closes with a bang and the obsession will be back full force. That is what is meant by powerless ove alcohol.