thousandwords53

Hello everyone!

I haven't started a post in a while.
3 months out, divorce isn't final but I feel emotionally done with the relationship. Still playing control games with finances which are still being figured out...the reason for my post is to identify exactly what is going on, and how I can maybe put an end to it? stbx is the only person on this planet that I have such trouble with simply telling him to knock it off..

onto the topic:
stbx is still in the mind frame that this is not real/temporary/fixable etc.
via text and at children's exchanges still gravitates or tries to flirt or invite himself over etc. I decline each time. (For those familiar with my story, at first I failed miserably and let him get too close, but that is no longer an issue) I have kindly. gently redirected our convos but he still persists...

My main complaint:
he gets my (our) son (DS10) involved as match maker to some extent. Or buddy's up to him in a way, and talks about me, in person about how much he misses me, and via text which I have seen, and even once told him to stop.
Texting he will: talk about how funny I am to DS, how he loves my humor and personality, how mommy is so silly etc .
He once referenced my "cute butt" to son...
Will generally chat about how I am doing to my son, at bed time, instead of just talking about son/father stuff- like his day or school or anything else.

I have also found out that a few of stbx' friends still don't know what is up with us. I told stbx to tell the truth, he changed the subject. definitely controlling his reality of the situation.

I just really want him to be over me/us already and to stop laying it on thick. yes, I could simply say that. I have in other ways, and I feel like why do I need to any human would get a clue...then I remember why I'm in this boat.

This is a jumbled post I apologize. I am at work and this was deleted on accident once already so I'm throwing key points down and hitting send. haha. help! (thanks)

trailmix

Hi TW,

What that is - is damaging.

I know exactly what you mean.

Now I don't know that I have a great suggestion here. In a somewhat similar situation I said stop it! No chance for any kind of mis-communication, misunderstanding, not being clear.

Didn't stop it.

The thing is, right now it's all positive, no woe is me why is Mom keeping me away, although, maybe that can be read in to it by a child, I don't know.

What I do know is that when a parent does this it inevitably, right or wrong, shows the other parent in a bad light. If you would just come to the party everything would be fine. Parent A is nice and nice to you, he is nice to the child, what's wrong with you that you are putting everyone through this?

Now, of course, none of that is true really but kids just want their parents to be happy, in fact their stability depends on it.

I don't know how you will get through to your H, but I wish you luck and I hope he "gets it".

dandylion

th ousandwords...I think you are still being too wishy-washy with him.
I think you could well do with being m ore in your face tough with him.
(but, not when your son can hear you).....

thousandwords53

I do tend to keep my smile/placate mask in place dealing with him. I hate it. I say no, but with a smile on my face to be nice....

trailmix

Yeah I understand that, but Dandylion is right.

It's damaging the relationship you have with your child. He is being completely self serving with zero thought of what it's doing to your child and ultimately to your relationship with DS. Maybe think of that when you are saying no.

Right now it's all buddy buddy and talk about this stuff so that Mom gets to hear it second hand.

When you eventually get to the place where you are ready to confront him about not going back to that relationship this dysfunction will already be in place and it will be easy for him to slip in to, I sure miss your Mom. I'm so sorry I messed up, wish I could be at home with you guys.

You get to be the bad guy.

It is wrong, in any case, for him to be discussing you with your Son, even if it seems "harmless" right now.

Givenup2018

I think you have to be much more assertive. Be honest and frank, tell him you are now co-parents, nothing more nothing less and you will never ever want to be in any sort of romantic relationship with him ever.You are moving on.

dandylion

thousand words.....this might be just a stab in the dark....but, maybe, instead of telling yourself that you are "being nice"....maybe, tell youself that you are "being fake".....
that might make it easier for you to practice being authentic to yourself...
Can't hurt to try,..right...?

Sasha1972

If he's telling your son that his mom (you) has a "cute butt", he's way over the line of appropriate interaction with children. Kids do NOT need or want to know about physical attractions involving their parents, esp. if they're hitting puberty soon themselves. For the sake of your son, could you be really tough with ex and tell him that you object strongly to him involving your son in his issues?

This is the flip side of the parent who tries to rope kids into their hostility towards the other parent - I know, your mom's such a b****, isn't she? I'm really sorry Dad's being an a******* again, etc. Both situations show no respect for the parent-child relationship or the emotional need of the child to have secure, strong relationships with each parent, rather than being used as an instrument in one parent's drama-making with the other.

mylifeismine

I agree with Trailmix- this situation is setting you up to be
the bad guy. Your placating smile is not sending the message
you need him to hear. More direct, simply stated directives
are needed.....
".....at children's exchanges still gravitates or tries to flirt
or invite himself over etc. I decline each time. "

If you smile while declining you are sending conflicting messages. Direct is stating you are not interested and do not want to be asked again.

Please consider how confusing all this is to your son- so much
hope that he can read into it. And what Sasha said- its all
very confusing and disturbing and his needs should be
considered.

thousandwords53

Yes, I want to be clear that I have talked with ds. And was able to be very firm with stbx when I saw the text with inappropriate talk of me. It’s when it comes to interacting personally that I have a hard time being so angry. I’m so used to maintaining a peace making attitude in his presence I don’t know how to not. And I wouldn’t say I smile through it, more like laugh it off, tell him to knock it off kind of stuff. Where I’ve hoped he’d get the hint, why I think he’d finally do that I really don’t know.

This is on my mind especially today/tonight as tomorrow they stay the night with him and I need to buck up and say something to him about refraining from talking about me. At all.

I also hadn’t put much thought into how this is making me a bad guy, when in fact that has been an issue lately. Ugh. Thank you for your help everyone.

Seren

Hi tw,

I know how uncomfortable those kinds of exchanges can be...my ex husband, even though he was the one who filed for divorce, all of a sudden decided that I was all that and a bag of chips and was persistent in the kind of talk you are receiving from your stbx.

Because it is in my nature to always be kind, I never laid it all out for him that *I* was the one now who had had enough. So, that is the conversation I had to have with him. He tried to wheedle, cajole, and manipulate me, and I had to just be blunt--which is not my nature. That finally put an end to it. After a few angry words from his end, so to speak, he quit.

hearthealth

I have heard that laughing it off with a man is no different than smiling through it. They take it as interested. I do agree with our type of men I have to repeat often and be firm. What he is telling your son is damaging to your relationship with son. It sounds like STBX is still living in a state of denial.

thousandwords53

Real time example:
I dropped kids off a few hours ago, I just get a text from him complimenting me on my looks. Now I feel frozen on what to do. This is so silly but this is how I feel.

AnvilheadII

hit the DELETE button.

thousandwords53

I still feel responsible for his feelings. Logically I am aware that this is so simple. Working through my thoughts here to distract myself from replying.

hearthealth

TW, Not everything needs a response. Go no contact unless it's about the children. His feelimgs are not your responsibility.

AnvilheadII

I still feel responsible for his feelings

but you are NOT nor have you EVER been responsible for his feelings, thoughts, or anything else. you just don't have that power.

you are responsible to yourself. to your own feelings.

also, unless it's someone trapped upside down in car, we DO NOT have to reply to texts!!! and then we should be calling 911. it's a TEXT. that is all.....if you hand a gorilla a smart phone, they too could probably end up texting something.

dandylion

thousandwords...this is your "Co-dependent voice"....speaking to you.
Actually, tell that voice to "shut up", in your thoughts when this situation comes up.
Discipline yourself to talk (or text)... to him only when absolutely necessary for the kids, etc.
No doubt, he is using the manipulative techniques that he KNOWS worked with you, previously. He knows your hot buttons! sometimes they actually increase the manipulation before they get discouraged, enough, to stop....
You need to be consistent. No positive response. Tell him something like...."Inaoppropriate. That ship has sailed".......
You don't have to answer his texts!!
I think you may need more practice getting out of your comfort zone, with him.

thousandwords53

YES. thank you. Accountability- I have ignored it still.

Maudcat

His text doesn’t merit a reply, TW.
Ignore.
Also agree with the others, time to be blunt.
Or blunter.
He is putting your son in the middle of things, and that is just flat-out wrong.
Good luck.