Wamama48

I've explained to him many times, just stopping drinking is not recovering, its just that first step. You have to keep walking, you have to get help. If you could do it by yourself you would have done it years ago. That is the reason he asked for that list of statistics I posted about (percentage of people who stop drinking and who are successful without help, and those with help) Wednesday he made an appointment to see an addiction counselor. His counselor told him alcoholism is a family disease, it affects everyone, and it was up to him if he (AH) if he wants to bring anyone else in. AH asked me if I would come, he would like me to, but the decision is up to me. If going is to support him, he can just go pee up a rope because I don't care to do that. I've been round and round with the decision, and no definitive answer. I told him this is his problem, it has never been mine. He has always taken responsibility for his alcoholism, so that's good and it helps the healing. He wants desperately to keep our marriage, and I've been honest with him that I'm not sure I do. Too much water under that bridge, and I dont think Ill ever get past the fact that he might start drinking again. I NEVER ever want to go through this pain again. I'm not sure going will do anything for me. I'm doing better, but I'm still angry. AH has heard why, I've been brutally honest with him. He can't understand how I can be crazy mad one minute, crying for hours the next, why I can't be in the same room with him and why I shudder when I think of him touching me. The only thing I think would come of it for me personally is if I tell the counselor these things and the counselor can explain to AH where I'm coming from. That would help my healing, and AH said he needs to know, he wants to understand what he has done to me. That would make me feel good for him to know the damage he's done to this family. Not in a hateful way. Ok, maybe a little in a hateful way. But for him to know the consequences and to help him make it right. Most of all I want to know how to help the boys. They don't see a problem. It was so much a way of life for them. Dad starts drinking at 4:00, gets drunk, stumbles around, says stupid stuff, makes idiot decisions and talks incessantly. I've asked them (they are 12 and almost 17) They know other dads don't do this, but talking to them, they just think he is annoying when he's drinking, and they worried about him getting hurt. So I'd like to ask the counselor what to do. I don't feel like that's a normal reaction, to just be so blah about it. I can tell by their body language they aren't just telling me what I want to hear, but my gut, or maybe it's just mom being worried, there's more to it. Anyway that's my dilemma.

biminiblue

When I was done, I was done.

Honor your inner wisdom, and if you go say what you are feeling - if you don't go, that's self-explanatory I think.

dandylion

Wamama......here is my 2 cents, addressing your question....
I say...go, only if YOU want to. If you do decide to go...I suggest that you might want to take that list that we spoke of, the other night.......you can read it...and it should be enlightening to him and the counselor...especially since he wants to know how he "hurt" you......
You might also feel a little lighter for getting it out in the open......

dandylion

wamama....I was cleaning out some stuff in my office, yesterday (while my computer was down!)...and I can across something scribbled on a piece of paper......and, it mad me think of you....
It was----Fundamental Human Needs---
1. Need to belong
2. Need for control in social situations
3. Need to maintain self esteem
4. To have a sense of meaningful existance

tomsteve

So I'd like to ask the counselor what to do.
i think you could get all kinds of wisdom right here on SR as to what to do with the children.
theres been some threads from one of the members here and he's been getting great suggestions on how to talk to and act with his son.

AnvilheadII

my take? i wouldn't go to someone else's very first therapy appointment. how would the person get the chance to even START a serious one-toone therapeutic relationship with a third person in the room? (caveat - different story if dealing with children). having you tag along makes it sound more like Show and Tell.

SparkleKitty

Wamama, these sound like the words of a person who is in acute crisis and could probably get a great deal out of counseling FOR HERSELF. His counselor is right -- addiction is a family disease, and you have been living with all this time. You need your own recovery.

YOU deserve to heal.

YOU deserve someone to listen to you for you, not for him.

YOU deserve to take time out of every week to facilitate your OWN healing.

YOU deserve the time, space, and attention it is going to take to help you move forward-- in whatever direction you decide to go. As long as you are all wrapped up in his recovery there will be nothing left for you to attend to your own.

Sleepyhollo

Personally I wouldn't go. I would go to my own indiciaire therapy and have him do his. If he stays sober and has had some counseling under his belt (and you yours) then I might think about dong joint counseling. You both need to do some individual healing before you even think about tackling joint counseling. When RAH was in rehab anyone affected by his alcoholism was allowed to do a cost letter. Since we was the only one that knew about the problem I was the only one that did one and it was 7 pages single spaced lol. I probably could've gone on longer. He had to read it in front of people in group and it was pretty painful.
I think at some point a cost letter for you and maybe your boys might be a good idea but it would probably hold off for a little while. In rehab most people do them after their A has been in for a couple of weeks. I did mine after about 6 weeks since he had to stay a full 90 days.
He needs to start doing this on his own. I'm sure he would like you there for "support" but for now I'd let him handle things on his own if he wants to get anywhere with his recovery. Have him show by doing things that he is serious Right now that's much more important than the marriage because without recovery it is unlikely there will be marriage. Once everyone has done some of their personal healing and h stays cleans and seems to be improving/changing then you can always consider marriage counseling. I think even if you don't want to stay in the marriage it might be helpful to do couples counseling just have some of that resentment addressed directly to him and work on communication etc. Doesn't mean your marriage will be saved necessarily but if he stays clean and you get divorced it might be helpful if you can communicate better since you still have kids at home.
For now take care of you and let him take care of him. That's what is best for both of you at this time.

Wamama48

You know, you are 100% right.
I didn't think of it that way! What is wrong with me?! Yes I feel like I'm in crisis. I can't eat enough before I feel sick so I've lost 12 lbs in 5 weeks. I can afford to, but still. There are no options for counselors for me right now, not at the free clinic even. BUT I think Al Anon would be best for me anyway. My first meeting is Thursday evening. Thank you for reminding me to think of me. Hugs to you.

Wamama48

You have some really good points. And yes, he does need to work on it himself. And you are also right that there will be no marriage without recovery. I love the idea of a cost letter, never heard of that. I bet mine will be the same length as yours. Having the alcoholic read it outloud at a meeting sounds brutal, but it must be effective. After reading all the posts on here, I've decided not to go. I do need to put my own healing first, and the marriage part of it can wait. Heck its waited 18 years while he destroyed it little by little with beer , it can wait longer.

Wamama48

Yep, I agree and that thought did cross my mind.
He does need to do it himself, that whole deal is for him, my input doesn't matter if he doesn't get the help to stay sober. Because if he doesnt stay sober, he will be gone and the marriage will be over. And someone else reminded me I need to get myself some help that's just for me, not shared.

Wamama48

That list sure is getting long

aliciagr

I would give it some thought. If the counselor is an addiction doctor then would it really be harmful for you to listen to what they have to say for your own knowledge and maybe peace of mind? Should be trained to work with family too, and maybe could recommend resources to you? But its up to what you feel like doing. Your in control of you. If he does actually see this person regularly then you could go another time?

trailmix

Hi Wamama,

You're right, it's not a normal reaction. You are also right that it's because they think it is normal.

The problem growing up around this is, as you already know, when you then go out in to the world, this stuff seems normal even then. That's a bad thing.

I won't go on and on but suffice to say they could probably use Al-Ateen or counselling or both.

As for the counselling session, I'd absolutely go, out of curiosity if nothing else. I like Dandylion's idea of a list.

hopeful4

Wamma....why is counseling not an option for YOU right now? You are important. You are in a mindset that you desperately could use counseling. I am glad you are going to Alanon. Please remember to take care of you in all of this!

Spence7471

My 2 cents...

It all depends on who the session is for... if it is a couples session, then go... if it is strictly for him... then you have an option.... 1) go to support him but keep quiet, or 2) do not go.

You have children involved in this, so whether or not you want to continue a relationship, they may choose to continue to have a relationship with their father. It is in your best interest then to see that he gets help, and if showing a little support provides him with the encouragement to seek treatment, then that will benefit many in the long run.

lightandsea

one concern I have about joint counseling is the role of a joint counselor is usually to mediate disagreements or issues between two somewhat healthy people. So, this means they are put in a role where both sides' experiences and "logic" are considered ot be of equal value and consideration.

I'll give an extreme example of where this becomes problematic: domestic abuse. The perpetrator's point of view is considered to be of equal footing, and the one being abused may be advised to do things like "speak more gently" or "don't provoke him." And that's no damn way to heal or get healthy.

If joint counseling means your AH's "logic" is considered equal to yours, that's crazy making. You'll be put in a. position where you are asked to compromise your values and boundaries in the name of marital/relationship "fairness" and in situations of abuse (including emotional abuse) and/or addiction, this only serves to create further stress and injury to the non-addicted or non-abusive party.

NYCDoglvr

I wouldn't go. This has to be about him and his disease. It's a family disease in that everyone suffers but this isn't family counseling.

aliciagr

Based on my experience withe therapy these past couple years. Ive done individual, joint with my husband, and Ive went in to some of his individual sessions also (being invited).

Sessions are not that long, usually an hour or less. The first session doesnt get into things too deeply from my experience. Its more about why are you here, what can I help with. What are the goals you hope to reach through therapy? the Dr will give insight into the approach they use and how it will work. General information about addiction and treatment and maybe how it overlaps with other things. Then some more pointed questions so the Dr can get a bigger picture overall. A general q & a portion.

Upon a first session, its important to get the feel of the therapist, to create a connection. This is going to be someone that the patient needs to feel comfortable with, a safe space to talk and he honest,

My participation with my husband sessions was initially just to show support, understand how the process would work. I asked questions also but they were more high level about addiction, treatment. I added some comments on other things, answered the questions I was asked. Later in follow up sessions I was invited to come back in and those were more specific topics.

Individual therapy is where I took my list about everything I was thinking and feeling, and needing help with.

The Dr your husband is going to see could do things differently obviously. But I thought this might help out a little.

Wamama48

Thank you for sharing your experience with your counseling.
I wasn't sure what to expect out of each type of counseling, but it sounds like there are specific purposes for each that will really be helpful. 😁