firebolt

My last confession was never...

I'm not Catholic, but I think there's some healing brilliance to confession.

so..

I moved out from XABF on Sept 1. Two weeks later he was texting me and I was responding. That quickly lead to seeing each other 1 - 2 times per week, and I did lay the boundary - I do not want to see you when you are drinking. He asked me to get back together a couple times - I said no. My ACTIONS however didn't reflect what I was saying, and I justified it to myself as needs getting met, and just difficult to let go of a 10 year friendship with 5 years of commitment to eachother.

And because he has not changed, and because I didn't stay away... the pain continued - he ditched me a couple times to go drinking, the last being on Halloween. That day I decided there would never be another sucky holiday because of his drinking. I finally had enough. So I just stopped responding to his texts. That has been hard, but I had to. He will hoover - and I will get sucked back in. Silence is how I dealt with not being able to tell him to go away. Crappy? I don't know, but it was necessary for me.

Until Today, he texted asking if we could have dinner together. I responded today. "I can't. I want to let go and can't with you around me. Please leave me alone for a while."

I feel....heartbroken all over again, and guilty for doing this to myself and backtracking, and a tiny bit for being cold in the text. But....a huge amount of relief as well.

I am sorry for these and all of my recovery sins.



I need no new pain. I need time to heal. I NEED him to respect my wishes. Who knows if he will, but I hope if he doesn't i'm healed enough to ignore if / when it comes.

Please send prayers and good wishes for
Strength and Tenacity to be diligent about my recovery. And a respectful of my wishes XABF. And maybe even a little one for strength for him to love himself enough to get sober for HIM.

Thanks guys.

SparkleKitty

Okay so say a...hail mary or something?

I'm not Catholic either but I can tell you this is normal. Going No Contact with anyone is difficult -- under your particular circumstances I'd say it's heroic it only took this long for you to get there.

One day at a time. You're doing great. Sometimes we just have to touch the stove to make sure it's still hot. Sending you strength, patience, and courage to keep up the mindfulness that is all over this post. xoxo.

happybeingme

Thank you for sharing that with us. Life is hard. Letting go is harder. I promise you though if you give yourself some real time, like three months you will feel a lot better. Don't be surprised if you feel worse for a while. Just knuckle through it.

Wisconsin

fb, I think you are doing splendidly. Be sure to give yourself loads of credit for everything you HAVE been doing on your road to recovery. <3

LexieCat

Hey, I've had breakup sex, too. I think sometimes it's a process we need to go through just to make sure, ya know?

I think a tiny bit of frost on the text messages/emails is necessary. You weren't mean or hostile, just cool and distancing yourself. That's what you want to convey, I think.

Hugs, you haven't committed any sins. But I know what you mean about being open about what's happened--THAT can be cleansing.

firebolt

Thanks guys. My self beat ups are brutal and you guys always lessen that. The first 2 weeks after I left were great. I was moving passed it all then bam. I never really had a breakdown over it all til last night. Painful and I hate it but I think it's good. My heart might be catching up to my head. Today is rough. It's muley coming to Jesus and I just want to go home and cry like a baby and grieve and have it all over and moved on by tomorrow. Short-ish term pain for seriously long term gain I guess.

I really don't know where I'd be without you all. So much gratitude.

FireSprite

You've got this, progress not perfection. .. remember? Maybe this was just the right way for you...... physically separating then emotionally. It just seems very, very normal to take this in stages.

DoubleDragons

When I quit drinking, I would report to my monthly class times that I was feeling weak or fantasies I was having about alcohol. It really kept me accountable. I think what you did hear by writing out your "confession" will be really helpful to you.

You have my prayers for all that you asked and more so . . . . .

dandylion

Firebolt.....you are doing great. The temporary pain is really the beginning stages of your healing.....
One thing that can also help you along is to write out what you want for your life in another year.....and in three years....and, what you would like for it to look like in 5yrs........
Then.......write out how this relationship would prevent those dreams from coming to fruition......
You are right.....keep your head in charge of this....your heart is too fragile to handle it, right now.....

dandylion

Kboys

((((firebolt)))))

Sending you strength and lots of good thoughts !!!

firebolt

Good idea Dandy. You guys are right and thanks for making me feel like it's all semi normal!

Mango blast

Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff

My physical therapist gave me some of these exercises, and then I found this link. They've been a physical release for me, in feeling difficult times and pain. I often haven't acknowledged those things in the past and keep pushing through. I didn't realize how that physically takes a toll on me. Some days I do these, other days I go in search of meditations for joy and gratefulness -- sometimes both on the same days. I'm finding I can feel pain and joy at the same time. Anger and laughter don't seem to co-exist, but pain and joy can.

((((hugs))))

firebolt

Thanks KTF. That's awesome!

Xabf texted me that he didn't understand. I responded with " We aren't it right now and I want to feel better. It takes time and space and what we've been doing is just prolonging the pain for me." He responded...ok.

I feel better about explaining short and in a way he can't argue. I am now prepared and equipped to block like a defensive tackle if he goes beyond 'ok.' I feel better between you all and some other understanding friends. I almost cancelled dinner plans so I could stay home and be miserable...but no. I'm going to have an honest good time.

Liveitwell

FB-I too did the same thing-before my divorce was final I totally agreed to try and work things out and see a counselor and told my attorney that's what I wabted. Because that is what I wanted. We had sex plenty of times-and it was good-the good stuff. But I knew (it was quite obvious) he was still drinking, among other things I found out, and would still call me and be awful when drunk on the phone. I too felt bad about it but I see it now as my last ditch effort to save a marriage dying from his demons. I give myself grace for that-and you should too. You have nothjng to feel guilty about and have handled yourself the best you could-you should be proud of yourself!!

Just wanted to share (and confess) that I've so been there and I do understand what you're feeling. Peace to you tonight!

Sailorgirl57

All that happened 3 years ago. And here I am in 2018 and reading this has helped me so much. I’m grateful.

firebolt

I'm glad it helped you! It should be noted that he quit drinking a month later in a last ditch effort to save us, and I fired up the relationship AGAIN for another couple months....then he started drinking again...and only THEN I left for good! It takes what it takes, right!

Smarie78

Thanks for bumping this! It's great to acknowledge when we falter instead of punishing ourselves. Letting go is hard. I'm trying it myself because I know what going back looks like eventhough I want it so badly (the good parts only of course). Usually we think they will do anything to save the relationship, quit drinking, and then when we go back they get comfortable again and the drinking revs up. That's the whole problem to begin with. If they get sober for any other reason but for themselves, drinking will always return. Happy to see all your progress fire!

honeypig

These billboards about how even a failed attempt at quitting smoking can still lead to the eventual successful quit are all over the place in the area where I live:



And each time I see one, I think "That doesn't only apply to quitting cigs, folks..."