julietUK

I don't know what is wrong today. I am so tearful. I haven't left the house today but I wanted to. I made a plan but changed my mind and did nothing instead. So beating myself up and feeling very low. I have been crying on and off all day! I haven't done this since day 3 or 4. Things are going well, I am eating and sleeping better, reading literature on sobriety but today I feel as if I've gone backwards.

I have avoided responsibility all my life, and found an enabler, aren't I clever, no money worries, no family worries, no job worries. Truth is I only had booze in my life so now I have nothing. But its what I wanted right!!!

I could die here and it would be days before anyone noticed, I have close friends who would be concerned if I didn't answer calls or texts but as I say it would be days. But this is what I wanted, more time for booze.

I have looked into all sorts of things, and intend to do things but I still have anxiety and a fear of leaving my house. Not a phobia fear, it just that I make excuses not to go out. But I am so lonely and fed up. My whole life is empty, I have so much time to fill it seems overwhelming. I have known this for ages so I don't know why today has hit me so hard. I had 2 of my long term friends to stay at the weekend. They were talking about how hard it is to make time for everyone and everything, they are working mothers, and best friend is a foster mother too. I just sat there feeling like a total waster. I have taken away the booze but I am still a waster. Even if I wanted to leave the house today I can't stop bloody crying.

Sorry to go on, I really don't see the point of this post, but I am trying hard to keep to my recovery plan and this is part of it.

Sorry. Thank you.

Snowydelrico

Chin up lass.
Looks like you have a case of PAWS.
Having booze back in your life isn’t any kind of answer.
Your going to burn yourself out.
Tell yourself you are doing enough.
It’s normal to feel low, happy, sad, desperate etc.
You just need to find a way to relax and get your mind in tune with your body and forget all the negatives.
Life is as easy or as hard as you make it.
Maybe do one thing more today than you did yesterday.
Eg. Think in a slightly more positive way than yesterday and repeat.
Small steps. If you can’t walk crawl.
You’ll b reyt

totfit

Getting better is not a straight line upwards. Gosh, I still sometimes have days as you describe. Thing is that I now have to take action now to change things for the better. Lots of life's activities not long after quitting drinking and sometimes just in general are more about "forced" than "flow". If we did not have struggles and down times we would not be able to experience "joy". I would not give these feelings any more weight than what they are. You are having some "down" time. Just ask yourself, "what can I do to change it". Then start taking action. Does not have to be anything drastic, just a little bit at a time and then "time" will take care of the rest.

julietUK

Thank you. You are right, recovery is not a straight line upwards, but I am still surprised at how bad today has been. To be honest since I posted that long moan I have stopped crying and feeling a little better. Tomorrow I collect for dog from my husband, I have her til Saturday, it will get me out and I do love her.

Thank you.

DarklingSong

Thinking of you Juliette. I have days like that too. Wondering what the hell I have done with my life. Its hard.....but it will pass. You are so kind and thoughtful with your posts on SR. I don't see that as the actions of a 'waster'.

Berrybean

It was about a month in that things started getting harder for me as well. This place and AA meetings made a difference.

Other things to consider....

Writing gratitude lists
Volunteering - small commitments at first and build up
Making a recovery plan and working it. Every day.

These things can make a massive difference.
BB

ProfessorD

Just sent you a private message, dear friend! (((hug))) you are so sweet and don't deserve these feelings. But I know you can persevere! It will get better. And until then, you can lean on all of us.

JJ991

Just wanted to send some hugs Juliet. You are doing the right thing coming on here, we are all here to listen and help in any way.

I think most of us have such days.

joandmelandhan

Hey Juliet. I'm sorry you're feeling low right now. You're on a journey sweetheart and for me progress certainly took a lot longer than I anticipated. I had absolutely no motivation to do any more than the bare minimum for a long time. Everything was an effort. The only thing I "did" was not drink. I guess I'm one of those like your friends. 2 jobs, 2 daughters and a man-child boyfriend to look after! So if I had down time I rested. I ate junk food. I spent hours on SR.
After 3-4 months (yeah that long!) I began to try more. I started yoga, healthy eating and the process of making my home nicer by tackling neglected jobs. I'm still a home-bird and spend the vast majority of my time hibernating somewhat. I can live with that for now. It's baby steps for me and as long as I'm heading forward I'm quite happy.
I know some days it's hard to see the positives Juliet. But you've broken free of an horrendous addiction! Give yourself a little break maybe. Thinking aboit what you "should" be doing only gives you an excuse to beat yourself up.
I tell you what I see. I see someone actively seeking long term recovery, actively participating here and trying their best to get a better life. Never forget you are healing and it takes time. A cliche I know but it's true. Your mind and body are perhaps still in a bit of shock and at a loss losing their "fix". You will feel stronger. Maybe not tomorrow but you will. Maybe spend some time researching things that take your fancy online? Yoga classes, walking groups, voluntary work.......oh I don't know dry stone walling if that floats your boat! Have a wish list for now then when you're stronger you might just pop out and find a bunch of nice people doing just the same as you.
I'm happy you've dropped by for a moan though Juliet. That's the best thing to do.
Take care xxx

Ghoster18

Pls Stay well
I just picked up after 32 days
It is indescribable the pain.
Cherish and value your sobriety even the discomfort because relapse is worse than any sober pain x millions.

If I died here too
My poor dog would be the only being to know about my demise for days.

That is dreadful!!


I relate so much to your post.

My calender has all these ticks and positive msgs msg on for my sober days
It's hard to live with what I've just done to myself.
Hope your still sober.
God bless.
G

Dee74

Hi Juliet - emotional ups and down are very very normal - and with all due respect to Snowy this need not be PAWs at all - I think it's simply par for the course for just about everyone.

The really good thing is bad days tend to stay just that now - bad day, not bad weeks months or years. Hope tomorrow is better for you

D

Done4today

Hey Juliet,

I loved reading your post. I have had many of those days in my sober journey. I am grateful for these days because it reminds me that I am feeling. Throughout my drinking years I didn't feel anything but fear and anger.

When I have these days, I have stacks of books and list of indoor chores to do. I know they are tough days but I know drinking won't help them. Tomorrow reflect on the day and take the lesson learned from it. These are the days we grow the most because we are faced with a challenge and we look back on our lives but don't have a coping skill because it was booze in the past.

Good luck

julietUK

Thank you to everyone for your lovely replies, I feel so supported. I have a plan for today so that should help. I just need to ride out this bad patch.

Thank you one and all.

D122y

Juliet,

I still get weirded out. I call it my paws.

Nobody knows but me. I think it is life.

It might be these cholesterol meds. Atorvastatin.

Anyway, i am also starting to have fun for no reason again.

A bit like a little kid sometimes. Just happy.

Something for you to look forward to.

I even had a bad dream just now where I was drinking a beer. In my dream I was thinking...this is pointless...empty calories. I don't get why I ever liked to drink.

Now when I think about drinking, it seems like such a waste of time. Now I recall that when I was younger, I had more time.

Especially during the summer break from elementary school and beyond.

Now i recall drinking at home to save money by not going out.

But, I didn't know about the brain damage I was causing.

Now I do.

Thank God I was able to quit. Thanks to SR.

Thanks.

Lindajean68

Hi Juliet!

When I have days like this, it helps me to think about my sobriety journey as "growing up." Have you ever seen a young child have a tantrum - they yell and cry and don't seem to know what's wrong and often lose sight of what they were upset about in the first place?? That was me sometimes early on in sobriety.

Hang in there...it does get better. Promise!

Culture

I'm at 6 months and I still get days exactly like you describe, where I don't want to leave the house and feel so down. What has changed though, is I know it is just one bad day, tomorrow might be good right? my capacity to deal with a bad day is so much better now and since I cut right back on my sugar, I don't seem to have so many.
I hope today is a really good one for you!!

andyh

a lot of your post chimed with me Juliet, especially in my first wobbly few months of sobriety. I'm mostly okay on my own, but I do sometimes get a bit of a "crash" after spending time with people who have busy lives - I'm doing what I need to do for my recovery, but it can still jar a bit.

have you thought about going to your GP or self-referring for some CBT? I did this in my first few months for anxiety & found it very useful.

hang in there. it does get better. but getting some help can be useful to make it better sooner

2ndhandrose

I am happy to read that you are feeling better, juliet

I started to respond to your post yesterday, then got interrupted but Lindajean's post really resonated with me

Growing up in my 50's has not been without growing pains, not to mention outright tantrums

Onward and upward

Happy day 34!