I’m dating an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 8
I’m dating an alcoholic
I’m dating an alcoholic.
He drinks on a daily basis. He justifies it because he’s been told he’s a functioning alcoholic. I believe he drinks because it’s been apart of his life for so long but to also alleviate the pain from his abusive childhood. When he drinks he’s a completely different person and often goes to a very dark place in his past. He says hurtful things and has no compassion or regard for any one else. He blacks out and has no memory of what occurred the previous night and on one occasion wet the bed. His drinking has led him to have his 2nd DUI that he has now avoided the court date for which has resulted in a warrant.
When he’s sober he’s practically perfect, I love this man. He’s thoughtful, passionate, adventurous, honest, just amazing but I’ve reached a point recently where his drinking has become more of an issue and concern for me. I’ve tried once in the past to ask him to no longer drink when we spend time together. That lasted a short period before I lowered my expectations and “I just had one beer” has led to me showing up to his house with him multiple shots in. One evening he became emotional over his childhood, crying and punching the wall. Another night he became so angry with me because I simply wouldn’t agree to go hunting with him. And most recently he left me alone in the middle of the night after he continued to tell me he didn’t love me let alone like me and didn’t want me in his life for absolutely no reason.
I find my self saying “he’s drunk, this isn’t him” over and over again.
I know I’m partially to blame because I haven’t done a good job at holding up my end. I let my expectations down for him not to drink. I didn’t press him on his DUI court date because I knew it upset him when I brought it up. When he wet the bed, I blamed it on my dog to avoid the shame he might have felt knowing that I knew. I justify his drinking because I know the pain he feels that probably caused him to start in the first place. I just love and care for him so much and I want to be the person that stays. But I’m starting to think this is just a viscous cycle.
With the most recent occurrence, I called things off. He didn’t have a reaction until the following morning when he called me to tell me he wanted to change, that I was worth it and he could come to a compromise. To my understanding that meant he would take the first step to sober living. When I called him later that evening to my disappointment he admittedly “just had beer”. I turned down his invitation to his house and am left now contemplating if I’m doing the right thing.
Is not having him drink just when I’m around enough?
Is there a scale to how sober or drunk he should be? Because it’s only bad when’s he's drunk?
Am I capable of holding on to these expectations for him?
Is he going to resent me for not allowing him to drink?
Will he ever choose a sober lifestyle? (He says when he has kids, but I find that hard to believe)
Should I stick around to see?
What if he gets pulled over and arrested for his warrant?
Is this all worth it?
The thing is I’ve never been in a relationship with an alcoholic. My sister is a drug addict and I’ve come to learn the whole “they have to want it for themselves”. I understand he won’t/is incapable of making the change for me, I just don’t know if it’s stupid or pointless for me to try to be there and stay for him the day he decides to make that change for himself. If he ever does.
He drinks on a daily basis. He justifies it because he’s been told he’s a functioning alcoholic. I believe he drinks because it’s been apart of his life for so long but to also alleviate the pain from his abusive childhood. When he drinks he’s a completely different person and often goes to a very dark place in his past. He says hurtful things and has no compassion or regard for any one else. He blacks out and has no memory of what occurred the previous night and on one occasion wet the bed. His drinking has led him to have his 2nd DUI that he has now avoided the court date for which has resulted in a warrant.
When he’s sober he’s practically perfect, I love this man. He’s thoughtful, passionate, adventurous, honest, just amazing but I’ve reached a point recently where his drinking has become more of an issue and concern for me. I’ve tried once in the past to ask him to no longer drink when we spend time together. That lasted a short period before I lowered my expectations and “I just had one beer” has led to me showing up to his house with him multiple shots in. One evening he became emotional over his childhood, crying and punching the wall. Another night he became so angry with me because I simply wouldn’t agree to go hunting with him. And most recently he left me alone in the middle of the night after he continued to tell me he didn’t love me let alone like me and didn’t want me in his life for absolutely no reason.
I find my self saying “he’s drunk, this isn’t him” over and over again.
I know I’m partially to blame because I haven’t done a good job at holding up my end. I let my expectations down for him not to drink. I didn’t press him on his DUI court date because I knew it upset him when I brought it up. When he wet the bed, I blamed it on my dog to avoid the shame he might have felt knowing that I knew. I justify his drinking because I know the pain he feels that probably caused him to start in the first place. I just love and care for him so much and I want to be the person that stays. But I’m starting to think this is just a viscous cycle.
With the most recent occurrence, I called things off. He didn’t have a reaction until the following morning when he called me to tell me he wanted to change, that I was worth it and he could come to a compromise. To my understanding that meant he would take the first step to sober living. When I called him later that evening to my disappointment he admittedly “just had beer”. I turned down his invitation to his house and am left now contemplating if I’m doing the right thing.
Is not having him drink just when I’m around enough?
Is there a scale to how sober or drunk he should be? Because it’s only bad when’s he's drunk?
Am I capable of holding on to these expectations for him?
Is he going to resent me for not allowing him to drink?
Will he ever choose a sober lifestyle? (He says when he has kids, but I find that hard to believe)
Should I stick around to see?
What if he gets pulled over and arrested for his warrant?
Is this all worth it?
The thing is I’ve never been in a relationship with an alcoholic. My sister is a drug addict and I’ve come to learn the whole “they have to want it for themselves”. I understand he won’t/is incapable of making the change for me, I just don’t know if it’s stupid or pointless for me to try to be there and stay for him the day he decides to make that change for himself. If he ever does.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
It is not worth it. It is a vicious cycle. He may chose a sober lifestyle he may not. At this point he sound like he isn't interested in it. Stopping when he has kids? Why wait? It is just an excuse to keep you around. Yes he will resent you for not allowing him to drink. He willlikely resent you for a lot of other stuff as well just because you're an easy target. Not having him drink when you're around is not gonna work, at least not long term. He's already had a DUi and that wasn't enough for him to think that maybe there is a problem. He doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks he is functional but really he is not. Addition is a progressive disease, its only going to get worse, it may take a year it may take 10 but it will get worse. Is there a scale for how sober a drunk should be ? A real drunk should be sober 100% of the time for the rest of his life. Alcoholics cannot drink in moderation. They need to drink, and they will need more and more to hide whatever pain. Addicts self medicate, they have underlying psych issues that can be straightforward or very complicated. Unless those are addressed they will not stay clean. Read codependent no more. Watch pleasure unwoven (a documentary about addiction that is often shown in rehab facilities) . You think you love him,. You say this isn't him, he is drunk. Well unfortunately it is him because he is drink more often than not, and when he isn't drunk he is thinking about his next drink.
Get educated. My advice? You may not like to hear it but....Run for the hills. If he feels that you're worth it he might decide to get treatment but I wouldn't count on it. If he decides to get clean you can always see but he would need to be clean for at least a year and working a program. Quitting drinking isn't enough. The vast majority of drunks will be dry drunks if all they do is quit drinking. No alcohol to cope and still the same miserable person they were when they were drinking. I've learned a lot in the past year, more than I ever wanted to know, I wish I had learned about addiction before I hit my rock bottom. Maybe things would've turned out differently. Had I known then what I know now, i more than likely would not have gotten married. That is painful to admit because I wouldn't have had my awesome kid. And we did have good times but it has been very dysfunctional from the start and just got worse over time.
Read codependent no more. Even if you leave him. Because most of us end up in these relationships because we like to take care of people and fixing everything and in the process we neglect ourselves. You will likely end up in a similar relationship again with someone else. I knew so very little about addiction and codependency etc until I had had it and RAH went to rehab. I figured quitting drinking would be good enough and we'd live happily ever after. The reality is very far r moved from that, at least for most people because being with an alcoholic affects everyone around them and it is very damaging to the relationship.
Get educated. My advice? You may not like to hear it but....Run for the hills. If he feels that you're worth it he might decide to get treatment but I wouldn't count on it. If he decides to get clean you can always see but he would need to be clean for at least a year and working a program. Quitting drinking isn't enough. The vast majority of drunks will be dry drunks if all they do is quit drinking. No alcohol to cope and still the same miserable person they were when they were drinking. I've learned a lot in the past year, more than I ever wanted to know, I wish I had learned about addiction before I hit my rock bottom. Maybe things would've turned out differently. Had I known then what I know now, i more than likely would not have gotten married. That is painful to admit because I wouldn't have had my awesome kid. And we did have good times but it has been very dysfunctional from the start and just got worse over time.
Read codependent no more. Even if you leave him. Because most of us end up in these relationships because we like to take care of people and fixing everything and in the process we neglect ourselves. You will likely end up in a similar relationship again with someone else. I knew so very little about addiction and codependency etc until I had had it and RAH went to rehab. I figured quitting drinking would be good enough and we'd live happily ever after. The reality is very far r moved from that, at least for most people because being with an alcoholic affects everyone around them and it is very damaging to the relationship.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Also you have zero control over his drinking. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. All you can do is set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. One thing to really think about is, you're only dating at this point and you are already not comfortable with his drinking (and rightfully so I might add). Regardless of whether he thinks he has a problem or not it is a problem for you. And that it all that matters. He doesn't have to agree with it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Sunset.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
There is lots of support here, as well as, at times, some hard truths that may be difficult to hear.
If you read around the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, you will read many stories like yours.
You’re right: no one is going to change your SO’s behavior but him.
You can control you, however.
You can leave him and stay away, going no contact. Make a clean break.
You are not married, you don’t have children together .
You can stay in the relationship, but form clear boundaries for you, as “I won’t be around him when he drinks.” “I will leave when he gets verbally abusive,” etc.
You can stop saying it’s your fault.
It isn’t.
Life with an addict is a hard road, and many posters to this site, would not have done it had they known how very hard it would be.
Your choice to make, of course, but if it were me, I would run far and fast.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
There is lots of support here, as well as, at times, some hard truths that may be difficult to hear.
If you read around the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, you will read many stories like yours.
You’re right: no one is going to change your SO’s behavior but him.
You can control you, however.
You can leave him and stay away, going no contact. Make a clean break.
You are not married, you don’t have children together .
You can stay in the relationship, but form clear boundaries for you, as “I won’t be around him when he drinks.” “I will leave when he gets verbally abusive,” etc.
You can stop saying it’s your fault.
It isn’t.
Life with an addict is a hard road, and many posters to this site, would not have done it had they known how very hard it would be.
Your choice to make, of course, but if it were me, I would run far and fast.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Throughout this whole message I heard you making excuses for him. He drinks the way he does because that is the way alcohol affects him, not anything that happened in earlier life. You also are not even remotely "partially responsible" for any of this. It is not worth putting up with this in your life and it does not appear he has made any effort to change. Total abstinence is likely the only thing that would work for him and he is a looong way from believing that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Is not having him drink just when I’m around enough?
Only you can answer that question. Is that enough for YOU. It's only your opinion on that, that matters. He's proven he won't follow that rule, why do you think he will in the future?
Is there a scale to how sober or drunk he should be? Because it’s only bad when’s he's drunk?
As far as I know, most alcoholics aren't drinking to any scale except how much can they drink before they pass out. Moderation for alcoholics does not work long term.
Am I capable of holding on to these expectations for him?
Well that is up to you but why would you want to?
Is he going to resent me for not allowing him to drink?
Absolutely! Why wouldn't he? He doesn't actually have a problem with his drinking, you do. So it's really your problem. If you want to "solve" this you are either going to have to accept it or try and jump through hoops to maintain boundaries around all these rules (above).
Will he ever choose a sober lifestyle? (He says when he has kids, but I find that hard to believe)
I would recommend that you read around here a lot and in particular the stickies at the top of the forum. You really need to understand alcoholism. It's progressive, it gets worse not better unless the alcoholic quits drinking and ideally follows a program.
He won't quit for himself or for you or for his family (I imagine) but he states he will quit when he has, what are currently, mythical children.
Should I stick around to see?
Again, up to you, do you like the way you are being treated, do you want to be the alcohol police?
What if he gets pulled over and arrested for his warrant?
I don't know, maybe he goes to jail? Is a person who skips out on a warrant for a DUI someone you want to have children with?
Is this all worth it?
Again, only you can judge but please read around and get a really good grasp of what alcoholism is.
I do wish you well.
Only you can answer that question. Is that enough for YOU. It's only your opinion on that, that matters. He's proven he won't follow that rule, why do you think he will in the future?
Is there a scale to how sober or drunk he should be? Because it’s only bad when’s he's drunk?
As far as I know, most alcoholics aren't drinking to any scale except how much can they drink before they pass out. Moderation for alcoholics does not work long term.
Am I capable of holding on to these expectations for him?
Well that is up to you but why would you want to?
Is he going to resent me for not allowing him to drink?
Absolutely! Why wouldn't he? He doesn't actually have a problem with his drinking, you do. So it's really your problem. If you want to "solve" this you are either going to have to accept it or try and jump through hoops to maintain boundaries around all these rules (above).
Will he ever choose a sober lifestyle? (He says when he has kids, but I find that hard to believe)
I would recommend that you read around here a lot and in particular the stickies at the top of the forum. You really need to understand alcoholism. It's progressive, it gets worse not better unless the alcoholic quits drinking and ideally follows a program.
He won't quit for himself or for you or for his family (I imagine) but he states he will quit when he has, what are currently, mythical children.
Should I stick around to see?
Again, up to you, do you like the way you are being treated, do you want to be the alcohol police?
What if he gets pulled over and arrested for his warrant?
I don't know, maybe he goes to jail? Is a person who skips out on a warrant for a DUI someone you want to have children with?
Is this all worth it?
Again, only you can judge but please read around and get a really good grasp of what alcoholism is.
I do wish you well.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Isn't dating meant to be romantic and fun?
I'd be calling it off again until I found someone who was interested in a relationship with me and who could participate in it. What you've written sounds to me like it's sad, hard work, not fun at all and like you have to "manage" so much of it.
There are plenty of men out there with their sh*% together...
I'd be calling it off again until I found someone who was interested in a relationship with me and who could participate in it. What you've written sounds to me like it's sad, hard work, not fun at all and like you have to "manage" so much of it.
There are plenty of men out there with their sh*% together...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I see a lot of people who view alcoholism as being somehow different from other issues that make relationships troublesome. I don't.
If he has tantrums, disregards your feelings, has a warrant out for his arrest, what does the *reason* matter? If he had an abusive upbringing, poor role modeling, has a stressful job, never learned any manners, or drinks....it doesn't matter WHY his behavior is unacceptable, it IS. This is the person he is today.
My dad was a functional alcoholic until he wasn't. A DUI changed his and Mom's lives. A person was killed. Mom and dad lost a huge portion of their life's savings. Good luck getting a lawyer to represent you when you're about to lose everything you've worked for. My Mom and Dad had to defend themselves, (Dad calling mom collect from prison several times a week to try and sort things out.) They were retired, they weren't going to earn this money back.
My late husband was an alcoholic, too. He made promises to quit smoking or cut down on drinking when we got married/when we bought a house/when work wasn't so stressful/when renovations on the house were finished...you get the idea.
Ann Landers used to say, "Marriage isn't reform school." She was right.
If he has tantrums, disregards your feelings, has a warrant out for his arrest, what does the *reason* matter? If he had an abusive upbringing, poor role modeling, has a stressful job, never learned any manners, or drinks....it doesn't matter WHY his behavior is unacceptable, it IS. This is the person he is today.
My dad was a functional alcoholic until he wasn't. A DUI changed his and Mom's lives. A person was killed. Mom and dad lost a huge portion of their life's savings. Good luck getting a lawyer to represent you when you're about to lose everything you've worked for. My Mom and Dad had to defend themselves, (Dad calling mom collect from prison several times a week to try and sort things out.) They were retired, they weren't going to earn this money back.
My late husband was an alcoholic, too. He made promises to quit smoking or cut down on drinking when we got married/when we bought a house/when work wasn't so stressful/when renovations on the house were finished...you get the idea.
Ann Landers used to say, "Marriage isn't reform school." She was right.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
I think you are a smart girl just by being here.
My feeling is if you stay with him he'll make sure you never have kids together. That way he'll never have to stick to his word about stopping when he has kids.
You could waste years on him and be childless at the end
Is that a risk you want to take?
Be wise x
My feeling is if you stay with him he'll make sure you never have kids together. That way he'll never have to stick to his word about stopping when he has kids.
You could waste years on him and be childless at the end
Is that a risk you want to take?
Be wise x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by spookyboo22 
I think you are a smart girl just by being here.
My feeling is if you stay with him he'll make sure you never have kids together. That way he'll never have to stick to his word about stopping when he has kids.
You could waste years on him and be childless at the end
Is that a risk you want to take?
Be wise x
My feeling is if you stay with him he'll make sure you never have kids together. That way he'll never have to stick to his word about stopping when he has kids.
You could waste years on him and be childless at the end
Is that a risk you want to take?
Be wise x
If you read around the forum, you'll find more than one story where the A made the same "promise" yours is making, and then the spouse/GF was left to give birth alone while the A is off drinking. And that's to say nothing of the years spent as essentially a single parent, while both mother and child suffer the mental and emotional damage of living with an active A...
Any mention of quitting "when I have kids" should be treated as the utter BS it is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I find my self saying “he’s drunk, this isn’t him” over and over again.
hhhmmmm.....youre saying it over and over again....
so it must be him.
Is not having him drink just when I’m around enough?
ya wanna live your life like that?
Is there a scale to how sober or drunk he should be? Because it’s only bad when’s he's drunk?
do you want to live your life with a scale? do you want to constantly be concerned about it?
actually you wont have to- alcoholism is progressive. youll get to a point ya wont think about it- you will come to expect him to be drunk and when he isnt youll be surprised.
Am I capable of holding on to these expectations for him?
i think its more,"is he capable of sticking to my demands and being my hostage?"
Is he going to resent me for not allowing him to drink?
hence, the hostage comment. would you like it if he said you have to allow him to drink?
Will he ever choose a sober lifestyle? (He says when he has kids, but I find that hard to believe)
no one can answer that.
Should I stick around to see?
are you fond of circus music playing in the background through the insanity? it will get worse as time goes on and the circus music will get louder.
What if he gets pulled over and arrested for his warrant?
his problem. not yours.
Is this all worth it?
do you think it is?
it sure reads like a lot of exhaustive crap from this side of the monitor.
P.S.
welcome- ya found a great place that has a lot of support for ya. its reading like you would benefit from the experience here- experience from people that have been in your shoes.
hhhmmmm.....youre saying it over and over again....
so it must be him.
Is not having him drink just when I’m around enough?
ya wanna live your life like that?
Is there a scale to how sober or drunk he should be? Because it’s only bad when’s he's drunk?
do you want to live your life with a scale? do you want to constantly be concerned about it?
actually you wont have to- alcoholism is progressive. youll get to a point ya wont think about it- you will come to expect him to be drunk and when he isnt youll be surprised.
Am I capable of holding on to these expectations for him?
i think its more,"is he capable of sticking to my demands and being my hostage?"
Is he going to resent me for not allowing him to drink?
hence, the hostage comment. would you like it if he said you have to allow him to drink?
Will he ever choose a sober lifestyle? (He says when he has kids, but I find that hard to believe)
no one can answer that.
Should I stick around to see?
are you fond of circus music playing in the background through the insanity? it will get worse as time goes on and the circus music will get louder.
What if he gets pulled over and arrested for his warrant?
his problem. not yours.
Is this all worth it?
do you think it is?
it sure reads like a lot of exhaustive crap from this side of the monitor.
P.S.
welcome- ya found a great place that has a lot of support for ya. its reading like you would benefit from the experience here- experience from people that have been in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Well, I knew my man was an ass clown, but your comment about circus music made me laugh out loud! That creepy organ sound would be the background music for all the home movies of him I play in my head. Creepy, horrifying, and strange.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
“he’s drunk, this isn’t him”
I don't know you but I'm sure you deserve much, much better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
Unless he dedicates himself to total and complete sobriety, I'm afraid your relationship is not going to work. Alcoholics cannot moderate their drinking. I know, be I used to try and it never worked.
I understand the PTSD related to childhood abuse, but that does not mean that his drinking is excusable. If it's so traumatic for him, he needs to get help for that. Drinking does bring out quashed emotions and all, but he needs to get help to deal with them when he's sober.
I understand the PTSD related to childhood abuse, but that does not mean that his drinking is excusable. If it's so traumatic for him, he needs to get help for that. Drinking does bring out quashed emotions and all, but he needs to get help to deal with them when he's sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 8
Thank you
It’s been about 4 days since we’ve seen each other (since the last incident) and I’m really taking this time to educate myself on all this. I found some clarity and also come to realize the magnitude of his addiction. So thank you for all your input it’s more beneficial than you know. It’s also amazing to see a community of people that have faced the things I’ve read come together to truly help one another.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I find my self saying “he’s drunk, this isn’t him” over and over again.
Dating is about two people spending time together to see if each other fits into the person’s life style and both can be happy. You don’t fit into his life style, no one besides a bottle of booze can right now.
Love isn’t supposed to be this hard, this abusive or this hurtful. And just because WE fall hard and fast in love with someone doesn’t mean they are meant for us. Falling hard and fast, ignoring red flags means we need to focus on our why’s and figure out those answers so we do not repeat picking the wrong people to have in our lives.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 50
I'm sorry. I'm just coming out of a year and a half relationship with an alcoholic I was dating. Five times thru detox, two month-long stints thru rehab and is finally now in a sober living with me by his side the entire time when he wasn't pushing me away and losing his mind when he was drunk. It doesn't get better while they're drinking. I hope and pray every day it gets better for him now. I've been in tears for days because of they way he's pushed me away, haven't even been able to get up and go to work, I am so sad. I need to take care of my self (and thankful I found this forum) just like you need to take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 3
Same thing over here
Hi,
I have been reading this forum for the past week and a half, and feel fortunate to have found it. This is my first time posting, but I feel like I can relate to so much of what Sunset 78 is going through, that I wanted to say something. The emotional ups and downs, the DUI/court stuff, the crying over past abuse/wrongs, drunken rants, and, my favorite, the tirade of drunken verbal abuse that I am subjected to when he is spiraling downward. I too, have said to myself, "but when he isn't drinking, he is so kind, smart, funny, perceptive, considerate....., this isn't him, it's just the drinking, I want to be there for him." Then it occurred to me that if he is getting drunk five out of seven days of every week, maybe this is him too. Maybe he is both, maybe he has the ability to be kind and, at the same time, is a raging alcoholic, that can be mean, manipulative, and emotionally/verbally abusive. What if he is nice 60 percent of the time and a drunken lunatic the other 40 percent, is that good enough for me? I am so, so tired of all of this. Like Sunset 78, I have never dated anyone like this and feel like I am out of my league. And yet..... I have stayed. Why? What is wrong with me? Who's worse? The person that is sick with alcoholism, or the person that knowingly subjects themselves to this insanity? I'm hoping people here can help me make sense of this mess I have gotten myself into.
I have been reading this forum for the past week and a half, and feel fortunate to have found it. This is my first time posting, but I feel like I can relate to so much of what Sunset 78 is going through, that I wanted to say something. The emotional ups and downs, the DUI/court stuff, the crying over past abuse/wrongs, drunken rants, and, my favorite, the tirade of drunken verbal abuse that I am subjected to when he is spiraling downward. I too, have said to myself, "but when he isn't drinking, he is so kind, smart, funny, perceptive, considerate....., this isn't him, it's just the drinking, I want to be there for him." Then it occurred to me that if he is getting drunk five out of seven days of every week, maybe this is him too. Maybe he is both, maybe he has the ability to be kind and, at the same time, is a raging alcoholic, that can be mean, manipulative, and emotionally/verbally abusive. What if he is nice 60 percent of the time and a drunken lunatic the other 40 percent, is that good enough for me? I am so, so tired of all of this. Like Sunset 78, I have never dated anyone like this and feel like I am out of my league. And yet..... I have stayed. Why? What is wrong with me? Who's worse? The person that is sick with alcoholism, or the person that knowingly subjects themselves to this insanity? I'm hoping people here can help me make sense of this mess I have gotten myself into.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by shadyplace03
Hi,
I have been reading this forum for the past week and a half, and feel fortunate to have found it. This is my first time posting, but I feel like I can relate to so much of what Sunset 78 is going through, that I wanted to say something. The emotional ups and downs, the DUI/court stuff, the crying over past abuse/wrongs, drunken rants, and, my favorite, the tirade of drunken verbal abuse that I am subjected to when he is spiraling downward. I too, have said to myself, "but when he isn't drinking, he is so kind, smart, funny, perceptive, considerate....., this isn't him, it's just the drinking, I want to be there for him." Then it occurred to me that if he is getting drunk five out of seven days of every week, maybe this is him too. Maybe he is both, maybe he has the ability to be kind and, at the same time, is a raging alcoholic, that can be mean, manipulative, and emotionally/verbally abusive. What if he is nice 60 percent of the time and a drunken lunatic the other 40 percent, is that good enough for me? I am so, so tired of all of this. Like Sunset 78, I have never dated anyone like this and feel like I am out of my league. And yet..... I have stayed. Why? What is wrong with me? Who's worse? The person that is sick with alcoholism, or the person that knowingly subjects themselves to this insanity? I'm hoping people here can help me make sense of this mess I have gotten myself into.
I have been reading this forum for the past week and a half, and feel fortunate to have found it. This is my first time posting, but I feel like I can relate to so much of what Sunset 78 is going through, that I wanted to say something. The emotional ups and downs, the DUI/court stuff, the crying over past abuse/wrongs, drunken rants, and, my favorite, the tirade of drunken verbal abuse that I am subjected to when he is spiraling downward. I too, have said to myself, "but when he isn't drinking, he is so kind, smart, funny, perceptive, considerate....., this isn't him, it's just the drinking, I want to be there for him." Then it occurred to me that if he is getting drunk five out of seven days of every week, maybe this is him too. Maybe he is both, maybe he has the ability to be kind and, at the same time, is a raging alcoholic, that can be mean, manipulative, and emotionally/verbally abusive. What if he is nice 60 percent of the time and a drunken lunatic the other 40 percent, is that good enough for me? I am so, so tired of all of this. Like Sunset 78, I have never dated anyone like this and feel like I am out of my league. And yet..... I have stayed. Why? What is wrong with me? Who's worse? The person that is sick with alcoholism, or the person that knowingly subjects themselves to this insanity? I'm hoping people here can help me make sense of this mess I have gotten myself into.
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