I'm Baaaaaa-aaaaaaaaack
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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I'm Baaaaaa-aaaaaaaaack
Husband made it 54 days without drinking. Today is his second day off the wagon and he's nasty as ****. Yesterday's slip I forgave and he told me he was just resetting the counter, not going on some HUGE backslide. Well, today I got the dreaded words of "I'm meeting with "X" for a few minutes and then we'll go out to eat." ("X" is his client and he likes to meet at bars - which is normal and fine in the industry, but not good for my husband) Husband drank and a few minutes turned into about 3 hours.
I got my daughter and left before he got home. We went up to the mall and ate. She didn't want to go home and neither did I. "Oppressive" is not even the word of how it feels around here. It's like he's mad at ME. She's got her earphones on and so do I. He's texting me from the other room, telling me how I'm ungrateful and how I'm faking that I want this marriage. Ya'll....I don't have to defend myself here, but I've been with this man for over 12 years. Tomorrow he'll be contrite.
I've been here and done this so many times. I honestly thought the spell had been broken this last time. I pray he sleeps on the couch, because if he doesn't I will have to. Can't do the smelling the booze on his breath anymore. He told me "maybe you will be happy with a different kind of life", which is supposed to be a threat, but he needs to read that a few times over.
These past 54 days were HEAVEN. No fights, he helped around the house, we were loving, back in church, our daughter was thriving.....now I see it all slipping away. It's like Chutes and Ladders, when you have to go alllllll the way down the slide back to "START".
I got my daughter and left before he got home. We went up to the mall and ate. She didn't want to go home and neither did I. "Oppressive" is not even the word of how it feels around here. It's like he's mad at ME. She's got her earphones on and so do I. He's texting me from the other room, telling me how I'm ungrateful and how I'm faking that I want this marriage. Ya'll....I don't have to defend myself here, but I've been with this man for over 12 years. Tomorrow he'll be contrite.
I've been here and done this so many times. I honestly thought the spell had been broken this last time. I pray he sleeps on the couch, because if he doesn't I will have to. Can't do the smelling the booze on his breath anymore. He told me "maybe you will be happy with a different kind of life", which is supposed to be a threat, but he needs to read that a few times over.
These past 54 days were HEAVEN. No fights, he helped around the house, we were loving, back in church, our daughter was thriving.....now I see it all slipping away. It's like Chutes and Ladders, when you have to go alllllll the way down the slide back to "START".
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi 
Husband made it 54 days without drinking. Today is his second day off the wagon and he's nasty as ****. Yesterday's slip I forgave and he told me he was just resetting the counter, not going on some HUGE backslide. Well, today I got the dreaded words of "I'm meeting with "X" for a few minutes and then we'll go out to eat." ("X" is his client and he likes to meet at bars - which is normal and fine in the industry, but not good for my husband) Husband drank and a few minutes turned into about 3 hours.
I got my daughter and left before he got home. We went up to the mall and ate. She didn't want to go home and neither did I. "Oppressive" is not even the word of how it feels around here. It's like he's mad at ME. She's got her earphones on and so do I. He's texting me from the other room, telling me how I'm ungrateful and how I'm faking that I want this marriage. Ya'll....I don't have to defend myself here, but I've been with this man for over 12 years. Tomorrow he'll be contrite.
I've been here and done this so many times. I honestly thought the spell had been broken this last time. I pray he sleeps on the couch, because if he doesn't I will have to. Can't do the smelling the booze on his breath anymore. He told me "maybe you will be happy with a different kind of life", which is supposed to be a threat, but he needs to read that a few times over.
These past 54 days were HEAVEN. No fights, he helped around the house, we were loving, back in church, our daughter was thriving.....now I see it all slipping away. It's like Chutes and Ladders, when you have to go alllllll the way down the slide back to "START".
I got my daughter and left before he got home. We went up to the mall and ate. She didn't want to go home and neither did I. "Oppressive" is not even the word of how it feels around here. It's like he's mad at ME. She's got her earphones on and so do I. He's texting me from the other room, telling me how I'm ungrateful and how I'm faking that I want this marriage. Ya'll....I don't have to defend myself here, but I've been with this man for over 12 years. Tomorrow he'll be contrite.
I've been here and done this so many times. I honestly thought the spell had been broken this last time. I pray he sleeps on the couch, because if he doesn't I will have to. Can't do the smelling the booze on his breath anymore. He told me "maybe you will be happy with a different kind of life", which is supposed to be a threat, but he needs to read that a few times over.
These past 54 days were HEAVEN. No fights, he helped around the house, we were loving, back in church, our daughter was thriving.....now I see it all slipping away. It's like Chutes and Ladders, when you have to go alllllll the way down the slide back to "START".
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Just awful LPS. It would destroy the ability to trust him even if he does get back on the wagon, which doesn't seem likely.
I get angry with people who are always 'contrite in the morning'. Real contrition means making sure it doesn't happen again.
I feel for you and your daughter. xxx
I get angry with people who are always 'contrite in the morning'. Real contrition means making sure it doesn't happen again.
I feel for you and your daughter. xxx
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LPS.....Yes, I know that a relapse....after one has had such high hopes, just slams the heart of the loved ones down to the ocean floor.
Alcoholism is a condition that is progressive and given to relapse. Without working a diligent program of sobriety....as the first priority...lasting sobriety is unlikely. Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for periods of time...sometimes, long periods of time...but the "alcoholic voice" in their head, is there, 24/7...waiting in the bushes...until the alcoholic is in a vulnerable situation....then it sends it's Siren Call.....It is a battle in their...their head...between the part of the real self("original" is my word for it)...and the alcoholic self...that voice that is whispering, 24/7.
He has been drinking for 20yrs....more heavily the last 5yrs.---which makes sense, because the progressiveness of alcoholism is well recognized.
He has just put his toe into possible recovery....at only 54days...and, without a diligent program, at that.
There is much more to recovery than just putting down the bottle...(though that is an important and necessary first step). Genuine recovery deals with the whole person...that is where the 12 steps of AA comes in. Working through the steps....and making the changes in the thinking and attitudes and translating that into changed behaviors....This does require that sobriety be the first priority...over all else.
It is difficult for the alcoholic to face the idea that they can never do "controlled drinking"....ever again. The very essence of alcoholism is that the ability to have control of their drinking is gone. It is said that it is not the 5th. drink that is the problem...it is the FIRST drink.
There are lots of alcoholics who are in recovery that spent years and years trying to do controlled drinking, before they accepted that they can never drink again...and, that they have to work the principles of the program as a way of life...for the rest of their lives.....
I do think that your expectation of him...as well as his own expectations are unrealistic....You just can't expect to walk on hot lava without any shoes...
I am not surprised that he seems angry at you...because, I am pretty sure that he is. When a person is not ready to get into sobriety....they see anyone and anything that interferes with their ability to drink in comfort, as the enemy. Even if that person is a loved one.
The alcoholic does not drink to hurt their loved ones....it really doesn't have anything to do with the loved one (though they may make that excuse)....it has to do with what is inside them,...and the powerful compulsion to drink.
the alcoholic doesn't drink AT the loved ones...they drink because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do...they drink (without control)....
I think that if you understood more about the true nature of alcoholism....you would be better prepared...to know what you are up against....
I really do get it that you want the marriage....and he wants you off his back....
and there is sooo much to learn about all of this....
I am going to give you the link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...(contained within the "stickies")....there are enough to read one every single day....I think that you will benefit from reading them again....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
LPS.....I am going to give you a link to one of the articles, in particular----as I think it is a good yard stick...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Alcoholism is a condition that is progressive and given to relapse. Without working a diligent program of sobriety....as the first priority...lasting sobriety is unlikely. Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for periods of time...sometimes, long periods of time...but the "alcoholic voice" in their head, is there, 24/7...waiting in the bushes...until the alcoholic is in a vulnerable situation....then it sends it's Siren Call.....It is a battle in their...their head...between the part of the real self("original" is my word for it)...and the alcoholic self...that voice that is whispering, 24/7.
He has been drinking for 20yrs....more heavily the last 5yrs.---which makes sense, because the progressiveness of alcoholism is well recognized.
He has just put his toe into possible recovery....at only 54days...and, without a diligent program, at that.
There is much more to recovery than just putting down the bottle...(though that is an important and necessary first step). Genuine recovery deals with the whole person...that is where the 12 steps of AA comes in. Working through the steps....and making the changes in the thinking and attitudes and translating that into changed behaviors....This does require that sobriety be the first priority...over all else.
It is difficult for the alcoholic to face the idea that they can never do "controlled drinking"....ever again. The very essence of alcoholism is that the ability to have control of their drinking is gone. It is said that it is not the 5th. drink that is the problem...it is the FIRST drink.
There are lots of alcoholics who are in recovery that spent years and years trying to do controlled drinking, before they accepted that they can never drink again...and, that they have to work the principles of the program as a way of life...for the rest of their lives.....
I do think that your expectation of him...as well as his own expectations are unrealistic....You just can't expect to walk on hot lava without any shoes...
I am not surprised that he seems angry at you...because, I am pretty sure that he is. When a person is not ready to get into sobriety....they see anyone and anything that interferes with their ability to drink in comfort, as the enemy. Even if that person is a loved one.
The alcoholic does not drink to hurt their loved ones....it really doesn't have anything to do with the loved one (though they may make that excuse)....it has to do with what is inside them,...and the powerful compulsion to drink.
the alcoholic doesn't drink AT the loved ones...they drink because they are alcoholics and that is what alcoholics do...they drink (without control)....
I think that if you understood more about the true nature of alcoholism....you would be better prepared...to know what you are up against....
I really do get it that you want the marriage....and he wants you off his back....
and there is sooo much to learn about all of this....
I am going to give you the link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...(contained within the "stickies")....there are enough to read one every single day....I think that you will benefit from reading them again....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
LPS.....I am going to give you a link to one of the articles, in particular----as I think it is a good yard stick...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Thanks dandylion. I was just having the most wonderful dream - - and I never dream anymore and if I do, I NEVER remember it. It was of a life exactly like AH asked me to imagine....then AH opens the door and starts running the water in our restroom, WAKING ME UP. He woke up and decided that he's going to go to the Men's Conference that our church has been advertising for the last month. The one I wanted him to go to. The one that has a football coach on it, so I thought that might get his attention! The one that started last night and the one that winds up today. The one where they're already eating breakfast right now. Like that will just erase everything and give him a clean slate. Makes me want to throw up in my mouth.
I'm in a very grumpy mood right now....90% from being woken up in the middle of that yummy dream and then the rest just p-o'd at him. I'm going to get in a better frame before daughter wakes up, because she's got a girlfriend coming over tonight and we've got to tidy the house up. Thanks, ya'll
I'm in a very grumpy mood right now....90% from being woken up in the middle of that yummy dream and then the rest just p-o'd at him. I'm going to get in a better frame before daughter wakes up, because she's got a girlfriend coming over tonight and we've got to tidy the house up. Thanks, ya'll
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
LPS, I'm sorry you are going through this again. I'd been there done that dance so many times I lost count. I'm not sure how many times a spouse can have their heart broken but for a while I was sure I held the world's record. After a while their words just don't mean anything anymore....
I don't have words of wisdom, jut wanted to let you know I understand exactly how you are feeling. It sucks.
I don't have words of wisdom, jut wanted to let you know I understand exactly how you are feeling. It sucks.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LPS.....yes, it is common for them to jump through hoops to get back into "good grace" . It is easier to corral the spouse and get a return to the status-quo, marriage wise...than to face the real core problem....that they can't ever have another drink, again. That their fondest dream...controlled drinking...is no longer possible. Facing that. to an alcoholic feels almost like death. Like taking water away from a goldfish....or, asking you to give up oxygen....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Right, dandylion! Just because you successfully abstain for an extended amount of time doesn't mean you're a normal person with a normal relationship with alcohol. I told my husband today that his drinking wife is dead and that drinking "Husband" needs to get in that box right next to her. I've been spoiled by this sober husband of mine for the last 2 months....I can not and WILL NOT go back to that drunk a-hole of days gone by. Life is too short! To quote a line out of a hip hop song I remember : "A b**** can do bad on her own".
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi
These past 54 days were HEAVEN. No fights, he helped around the house, we were loving, back in church, our daughter was thriving.....now I see it all slipping away. It's like Chutes and Ladders, when you have to go alllllll the way down the slide back to "START".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
I'd move out, go back to working for someone else (instead of working with my husband from home), and either homeschool again (my church just started a homeschool program) or bust my bottom to keep my daughter in her private school with just my income. Maybe I'd even qualify for some kind of tuition assistance; who knows. I can do the single living thing. I can't do living with an actively drinking a-hole anymore.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Just awful LPS. It would destroy the ability to trust him even if he does get back on the wagon, which doesn't seem likely.
I get angry with people who are always 'contrite in the morning'. Real contrition means making sure it doesn't happen again.
I feel for you and your daughter. xxx
I get angry with people who are always 'contrite in the morning'. Real contrition means making sure it doesn't happen again.
I feel for you and your daughter. xxx
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Thank you for sharing. I’ve been in your shoes. He drank so much, I was so worried! He quit for a while, I was so happy! Then he drank again, I was so devastated! Then he started to drink secretly and lied, I was so angry! I ended it, and now my emotions do not depend on what he is or is not doing. I woke up last week and my first thought was, I am at peace. So lovely!
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We're in a full-throttle backslide. 5 days out of the last 8 or 9 now have been drinking days. I'm not proud to say that I dumped a can of La Croix on his head today. That's not considered assault, though, right??? (I'm not feeling very "LovePeace" right now, to say the least!)
Yesterday (after him going out the previous night, getting drunk, forgetting to inform me he was eating with this client and then calling me a bitch in the middle of the night because I didn't want to cuddle with him) we had a very long, serious talk. I've really been growing in my faith and seeing the results that come when you're living for Christ. When my husband drinks, he blames it on the devil. "The devil made me do it", he says. The devil can't MAKE anyone do anything, though! He can tempt and he can torment, for sure. But we have free will!
Anyways, I know some of you aren't religious, but I remembered a piece of Scripture that our pastor had told us and I went to open my Bible to show it to him. (I'm not some Bible expert; most of the time I have to look up in the index to see where anything is) Ya'll, I opened my Bible up and it was THE EXACT PAGE AND PASSAGE that I was looking for. My bookmark was way somewhere else, so it wasn't a coincidence. (Psalm 104:4 for anyone interested) Anyways, it blew my mind away and I told my husband "Did you see that??? God is talking to us!!!" He cried and we prayed for a good 10 minutes out loud. He resolved that tomorrow (today) was going to be his Day 1 of his new sobriety. I forgave him for the backslide and encouraged him to go to an AA meeting and to get back into his Spiritual Counseling (free) and even real therapy if need be. He went to an AA meeting last night and made the appointment for Spiritual Counseling.
Today I actually went out and did something for me, going to an aromatherapy workshop with my dad's girlfriend of the past 12 years. I got home and my AH was cleaning the house, going to make me a nice dinner....basically treat me like a princess. I was very touched by the gestures and even offered to make love to him. (I have been withholding in the intimacy department, I will admit that. We might make love 3x mo. lately) Surprisingly, he turned me down, saying "let's do it later - I'm just in cleaning mode right now"
Well, he was turning me down because he had alcohol on his breath. After all that talk yesterday. After pleading to God and telling Him he repented - - he didn't repent for 12 hours, even.
I'm going to have to walk the walk now. I'll be finishing up my school and either starting my own company or finding a job in my field somewhere else. The day does come ladies. Anyone remember the movie "Regarding Henry", where he tells his assistant "I said when"? (After she had to re-teach him that when you've had enough, you say when regarding the coffee) - - Well, I'm saying "WHEN". No more of this. Thank you all for being so supportive. My heart doesn't want divorce, but my brain is telling me that this is just a bad movie that's going to stay on repeat if I don't change the channel.
Yesterday (after him going out the previous night, getting drunk, forgetting to inform me he was eating with this client and then calling me a bitch in the middle of the night because I didn't want to cuddle with him) we had a very long, serious talk. I've really been growing in my faith and seeing the results that come when you're living for Christ. When my husband drinks, he blames it on the devil. "The devil made me do it", he says. The devil can't MAKE anyone do anything, though! He can tempt and he can torment, for sure. But we have free will!
Anyways, I know some of you aren't religious, but I remembered a piece of Scripture that our pastor had told us and I went to open my Bible to show it to him. (I'm not some Bible expert; most of the time I have to look up in the index to see where anything is) Ya'll, I opened my Bible up and it was THE EXACT PAGE AND PASSAGE that I was looking for. My bookmark was way somewhere else, so it wasn't a coincidence. (Psalm 104:4 for anyone interested) Anyways, it blew my mind away and I told my husband "Did you see that??? God is talking to us!!!" He cried and we prayed for a good 10 minutes out loud. He resolved that tomorrow (today) was going to be his Day 1 of his new sobriety. I forgave him for the backslide and encouraged him to go to an AA meeting and to get back into his Spiritual Counseling (free) and even real therapy if need be. He went to an AA meeting last night and made the appointment for Spiritual Counseling.
Today I actually went out and did something for me, going to an aromatherapy workshop with my dad's girlfriend of the past 12 years. I got home and my AH was cleaning the house, going to make me a nice dinner....basically treat me like a princess. I was very touched by the gestures and even offered to make love to him. (I have been withholding in the intimacy department, I will admit that. We might make love 3x mo. lately) Surprisingly, he turned me down, saying "let's do it later - I'm just in cleaning mode right now"
Well, he was turning me down because he had alcohol on his breath. After all that talk yesterday. After pleading to God and telling Him he repented - - he didn't repent for 12 hours, even.
I'm going to have to walk the walk now. I'll be finishing up my school and either starting my own company or finding a job in my field somewhere else. The day does come ladies. Anyone remember the movie "Regarding Henry", where he tells his assistant "I said when"? (After she had to re-teach him that when you've had enough, you say when regarding the coffee) - - Well, I'm saying "WHEN". No more of this. Thank you all for being so supportive. My heart doesn't want divorce, but my brain is telling me that this is just a bad movie that's going to stay on repeat if I don't change the channel.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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Sorry to hear that LPS. You have a lot of company and support in all of us though. (I too keep my kid in private school on my own.) You sound strong to me. Maybe your next move will create his rock bottom, but that's not your concern, right? : ) Wishing you peace.
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