Is this a good leaving plan?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Is this a good leaving plan?
Feel free to add your ideas and opinions....
Hes been sober three weeks, bending over backwards to do whatever I want. Well, I want to leave. I need SPACE away from him. My shoulders and neck twitch involuntarily when I think about him touching me. No abuse, cheating, he always owned up to how much he drank ( I used to secretly count) always took care of everything blah blah blah.
I cant stay in the same room with him. It makes me tense up. I cry off and on all day, since I moved out of our room 6 weeks ago. Driving in the car is torture, hes 3 feet from me. Many women on SS have told me they felt this way to, I don't know why this is happening, but it is. What made up my mind was last night. I was in my bed, almost asleep when I heard him walking down the hall to go to bed. Then a panic attack hit me out of nowhere. I knew he was just going to bed, not coming to hurt me or fight or anything. But my mind doesn't seem to agree.
Since we have a 16 year old son with Autism/Bipolar, I need to be close to help. If he has a meltdown I can come help. There's nothing we can do to physically stop him, but one of us can usually talk him down before he hurts himself until he bleeds. And there will be meltdowns with such a huge change.
-We have property, so I can put an RV trailer on the property. AH said he will get a line to the septic tank, hook it up with the well and run elect to it. If he won't, I have his best friend who will do it (no worries, not getting involved in any other way with him, he's been my brother for 20 years now. I wouldn't even get near that possible slippery slope)
-If spouses live on the same property BUT have separate cooking and bathroom facilities, one spouse can qualify for food stamps. So I can get FS.
-Our 11 yo can stay with me and our 16 yo rarely leaves the house, so he will stay with dad. Solves the problem of child support having to be involved.
-I have a part time job, so I have some income to pay for household stuff, the increase in the elect bill, cell phone etc.
-He agreed I could take the whole tax return. Im opening my own account which he will have no access to.
-He will continue to pay for everything else for the house...gas for the car, insurance, rent, elect etc.
If things go south, I DO have a contingency plan and access to a low income lawyer (not the best, but its all I have) Its so expensive for housing here, lots of people live in RV's. So if I can't live on our property, there are 8 RV parks within 20 miles of my house. I'd need more income then. I also have 4 adult daughters and 3 sons in law who will help out where they can.
The problem is, we have no money to get the RV. The most important thing about an RV here is it has to have no leaks at all. It rains 8 months out of the year here. And a leak free RV is several thousand dollars at the least. My tax return wont even cover 1/5th of the cost of an RV.
We live on his disability and there is no money to spare. Our credit is horrible, and we couldn't make payments anyway. Our kids have young families of their own and no extra money and no space for me to stay either. No family or friends to borrow and RV from.
So, Im stuck. Any ideas? Advice? Am I forgetting something?
Hes been sober three weeks, bending over backwards to do whatever I want. Well, I want to leave. I need SPACE away from him. My shoulders and neck twitch involuntarily when I think about him touching me. No abuse, cheating, he always owned up to how much he drank ( I used to secretly count) always took care of everything blah blah blah.
I cant stay in the same room with him. It makes me tense up. I cry off and on all day, since I moved out of our room 6 weeks ago. Driving in the car is torture, hes 3 feet from me. Many women on SS have told me they felt this way to, I don't know why this is happening, but it is. What made up my mind was last night. I was in my bed, almost asleep when I heard him walking down the hall to go to bed. Then a panic attack hit me out of nowhere. I knew he was just going to bed, not coming to hurt me or fight or anything. But my mind doesn't seem to agree.
Since we have a 16 year old son with Autism/Bipolar, I need to be close to help. If he has a meltdown I can come help. There's nothing we can do to physically stop him, but one of us can usually talk him down before he hurts himself until he bleeds. And there will be meltdowns with such a huge change.
-We have property, so I can put an RV trailer on the property. AH said he will get a line to the septic tank, hook it up with the well and run elect to it. If he won't, I have his best friend who will do it (no worries, not getting involved in any other way with him, he's been my brother for 20 years now. I wouldn't even get near that possible slippery slope)
-If spouses live on the same property BUT have separate cooking and bathroom facilities, one spouse can qualify for food stamps. So I can get FS.
-Our 11 yo can stay with me and our 16 yo rarely leaves the house, so he will stay with dad. Solves the problem of child support having to be involved.
-I have a part time job, so I have some income to pay for household stuff, the increase in the elect bill, cell phone etc.
-He agreed I could take the whole tax return. Im opening my own account which he will have no access to.
-He will continue to pay for everything else for the house...gas for the car, insurance, rent, elect etc.
If things go south, I DO have a contingency plan and access to a low income lawyer (not the best, but its all I have) Its so expensive for housing here, lots of people live in RV's. So if I can't live on our property, there are 8 RV parks within 20 miles of my house. I'd need more income then. I also have 4 adult daughters and 3 sons in law who will help out where they can.
The problem is, we have no money to get the RV. The most important thing about an RV here is it has to have no leaks at all. It rains 8 months out of the year here. And a leak free RV is several thousand dollars at the least. My tax return wont even cover 1/5th of the cost of an RV.
We live on his disability and there is no money to spare. Our credit is horrible, and we couldn't make payments anyway. Our kids have young families of their own and no extra money and no space for me to stay either. No family or friends to borrow and RV from.
So, Im stuck. Any ideas? Advice? Am I forgetting something?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I got to the point when I said I can't take it one more minute, this is it. And when that happens there is no going back.
These are big steps you're taking so I hope you have support, like a friend and/or family member. I couldn't have done it on my own. My support was Alanon and I recommend it.
A big hug! I'll pray for you.
These are big steps you're taking so I hope you have support, like a friend and/or family member. I couldn't have done it on my own. My support was Alanon and I recommend it.
A big hug! I'll pray for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wamama.....I think you could call the DV people to ask for advice....they may have resources at their disposal that they can offer ..or refer you to....
I think that you qualify to talk to them, due to living with an alcoholic for so many years, and the psychological stress that has left you with an anxiety disorder. You don't have to be physically hit to talk to them....
You certainly can't lose anything by asking them.......
I think that you qualify to talk to them, due to living with an alcoholic for so many years, and the psychological stress that has left you with an anxiety disorder. You don't have to be physically hit to talk to them....
You certainly can't lose anything by asking them.......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 27
It sounds like you have decided what is best for you and that you have thought it all out and know what you want except that money is an issue. Is there a way you can go from part time to full time? That would bump up your income and allow you to keep saving money until you are able to do what you want to do. I know it can be discouraging, but as you are waiting until you can buy it you should remind yourself that you are taking the steps to hit your goals and that is something to be proud of.
Maybe it would help if you set boundaries in the house to limit how much time you see him and how close he gets to you since that seems to cause a strong involuntary reaction mentally and physically for you. Maybe you can set up boundaries that you have a "save room" where when you are in that room he is not to talk to your or come in NO MATTER WHAT- this way you know that if you go in there you can pretend he doesn't exist- hell put up a curtain barrier to fill up the door way to make even more privacy for yourself. IT might also help to surround yourself with things that relax you- candles, music playing, dim the lights a bit, keep a favorite book around, etc. (you get the point).
hugs hugs hugs.
Dani
Maybe it would help if you set boundaries in the house to limit how much time you see him and how close he gets to you since that seems to cause a strong involuntary reaction mentally and physically for you. Maybe you can set up boundaries that you have a "save room" where when you are in that room he is not to talk to your or come in NO MATTER WHAT- this way you know that if you go in there you can pretend he doesn't exist- hell put up a curtain barrier to fill up the door way to make even more privacy for yourself. IT might also help to surround yourself with things that relax you- candles, music playing, dim the lights a bit, keep a favorite book around, etc. (you get the point).
hugs hugs hugs.
Dani
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I have lots of support. Unfortunately none of them are independently wealthy
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
I got to the point when I said I can't take it one more minute, this is it. And when that happens there is no going back.
These are big steps you're taking so I hope you have support, like a friend and/or family member. I couldn't have done it on my own. My support was Alanon and I recommend it.
A big hug! I'll pray for you.
These are big steps you're taking so I hope you have support, like a friend and/or family member. I couldn't have done it on my own. My support was Alanon and I recommend it.
A big hug! I'll pray for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Thanks Dani. I have my own room, that does help. However he has stuck his head in a few times to ask a question, so it might help to tell him not to come in at all. And if he has a question he can just wait longer. I'm planning that me living in the RV is a temporary thing. But now Im wondering if I should plan it a permanent thing and hope its temporary? Dang, Im getting smart!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Ive seen calling DV several times on this forum. I agree it wouldnt hurt to call. I put the number in my phone but was too afraid to call. Because that would mean striking out on my own, and that is scarey. I was a single mom to three little girls for many years before I got married. I must admit I've enjoyed being a stay at home mom for 20 years, letting AH worry over finances and take care of everything (except his alcoholism) Im very scared of being back in the world again with two boys, no work skills that will make any kind of money, and trying to find anywhere but a box to live in on that salary.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wamama....remember that a lot of women are in your position...and the dv people deal with that all of the time...stay at home moms who are really scared to go out in the world, again....etc. They may have referrals for vocational training...it is never too late to learn..to go to school again...
Older students and older workers are often more reliable than younger ones...and, many employers are aware of that....
You may, also, qualify for special subsidized housing...at least, down the line....
Do make that call....
Reach out and try to think positive....if you reach out, there is more help that you think....
turn over every stone....nothing is worse than living with a practicing alcoholic...it is better to live in a box (with no leaks) and have a satisfied mind....
Older students and older workers are often more reliable than younger ones...and, many employers are aware of that....
You may, also, qualify for special subsidized housing...at least, down the line....
Do make that call....
Reach out and try to think positive....if you reach out, there is more help that you think....
turn over every stone....nothing is worse than living with a practicing alcoholic...it is better to live in a box (with no leaks) and have a satisfied mind....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Wamama, I too am in the same house with my AH. My AH is about 2.5 months into recovery...and I too can barely stand being in the same room with him. So when are are both home he hangs out downstairs where there’s a TV and such. He has been in the spare room...and finally is giving me the space I so badly need-he knocks before coming into my room and is showing a level of respect he has never shown before. The way we got to this is me communicating with him over and over and over that I need space and if it’s not going to work out that he will need to get an apartment or stay elsewhere. Therefore he is respectful of my space.
And going forward yes, leave no stone unturned in finding a way to get by yourself. And I am going back to school as well for my bachelors degree-and I am almost 50 years old. Never too late.
Hugs to you!
And going forward yes, leave no stone unturned in finding a way to get by yourself. And I am going back to school as well for my bachelors degree-and I am almost 50 years old. Never too late.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
our 16 yo rarely leaves the house, so he will stay with dad.
Please do not leave him. I let my exah have my twin boys, then nearly 16 and they had to be rescued within 8 months after a truly terrible time with ex. He drank even more after I had left and was never ever fit to care for them ..not really.
Please do not leave him. I let my exah have my twin boys, then nearly 16 and they had to be rescued within 8 months after a truly terrible time with ex. He drank even more after I had left and was never ever fit to care for them ..not really.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Oh that is horrible!
Nothing makes you want to go on a rampage than someone hurting your child. Even worse when its their own father! Are your boys ok now? Thank you for being concerned about my son. 😍 I will just be in an RV about 500 feet from my house. I am so thankful my husband has never hurt our kids. He is blind and can't drive, so I don't have to worry about him taking him anywhere while drinking. I've read many times on SR that the dad took a drive while drunk with the kids. Long ago when my husband was still driving he did that. I absolutely flipped out on him like a woman out of her mind. I could tell he was buzzed, not drunk, but we all know its the same effect when driving. I hope your boys, and you are doing well now. We will all make it to the other side.
Nothing makes you want to go on a rampage than someone hurting your child. Even worse when its their own father! Are your boys ok now? Thank you for being concerned about my son. 😍 I will just be in an RV about 500 feet from my house. I am so thankful my husband has never hurt our kids. He is blind and can't drive, so I don't have to worry about him taking him anywhere while drinking. I've read many times on SR that the dad took a drive while drunk with the kids. Long ago when my husband was still driving he did that. I absolutely flipped out on him like a woman out of her mind. I could tell he was buzzed, not drunk, but we all know its the same effect when driving. I hope your boys, and you are doing well now. We will all make it to the other side.
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
our 16 yo rarely leaves the house, so he will stay with dad.
Please do not leave him. I let my exah have my twin boys, then nearly 16 and they had to be rescued within 8 months after a truly terrible time with ex. He drank even more after I had left and was never ever fit to care for them ..not really.
Please do not leave him. I let my exah have my twin boys, then nearly 16 and they had to be rescued within 8 months after a truly terrible time with ex. He drank even more after I had left and was never ever fit to care for them ..not really.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Going back to school?
You go!!! That's wonderful! You saying that reminded me I went to school 21 years ago and was a dental assistant. There are no licencing laws in my state for dental assisting, I might be able to get back into that. It will be hard though. Its a young person field, you almost never see anyone over 40 in that area of dental care. Not impossible though.
You go!!! That's wonderful! You saying that reminded me I went to school 21 years ago and was a dental assistant. There are no licencing laws in my state for dental assisting, I might be able to get back into that. It will be hard though. Its a young person field, you almost never see anyone over 40 in that area of dental care. Not impossible though.
Originally Posted by ScaryTime
Wamama, I too am in the same house with my AH. My AH is about 2.5 months into recovery...and I too can barely stand being in the same room with him. So when are are both home he hangs out downstairs where there’s a TV and such. He has been in the spare room...and finally is giving me the space I so badly need-he knocks before coming into my room and is showing a level of respect he has never shown before. The way we got to this is me communicating with him over and over and over that I need space and if it’s not going to work out that he will need to get an apartment or stay elsewhere. Therefore he is respectful of my space.
And going forward yes, leave no stone unturned in finding a way to get by yourself. And I am going back to school as well for my bachelors degree-and I am almost 50 years old. Never too late.
Hugs to you!
And going forward yes, leave no stone unturned in finding a way to get by yourself. And I am going back to school as well for my bachelors degree-and I am almost 50 years old. Never too late.
Hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I promise to make that call.
Thank you. 😁
Thank you. 😁
Originally Posted by dandylion
Wamama....remember that a lot of women are in your position...and the dv people deal with that all of the time...stay at home moms who are really scared to go out in the world, again....etc. They may have referrals for vocational training...it is never too late to learn..to go to school again...
Older students and older workers are often more reliable than younger ones...and, many employers are aware of that....
You may, also, qualify for special subsidized housing...at least, down the line....
Do make that call....
Reach out and try to think positive....if you reach out, there is more help that you think....
turn over every stone....nothing is worse than living with a practicing alcoholic...it is better to live in a box (with no leaks) and have a satisfied mind....
Older students and older workers are often more reliable than younger ones...and, many employers are aware of that....
You may, also, qualify for special subsidized housing...at least, down the line....
Do make that call....
Reach out and try to think positive....if you reach out, there is more help that you think....
turn over every stone....nothing is worse than living with a practicing alcoholic...it is better to live in a box (with no leaks) and have a satisfied mind....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Nothing makes you want to go on a rampage than someone hurting your child. Even worse when its their own father! Are your boys ok now? Thank you for being concerned about my son. �� I will just be in an RV about 500 feet from my house. I am so thankful my husband has never hurt our kids
He didn't physically hurt them but he stopped me seeing them, got his drug addicted and alcoholic brother living with him, didn't get my son's type 1 insulin meds for 6 months and starved our cats. He drank all the time and didn't get out of bed...ever. He never fed them,( they lived on toast and cereal,) or wash their clothes or took them out. Interestingly a social worker went round 6 times and didn't pick up on anything. He blocked my number on their phones but eventually they realised and were able to get in touch with me. He was never like that with them when I was there. Never underestimate how they can become. I was appalled at what he became capable of. Even if your husband is "only drinking" and you are in an rv in the yard ( not sure why you have to move out tbh but that another post) it's not a good place for your son to be with him by himself.
He didn't physically hurt them but he stopped me seeing them, got his drug addicted and alcoholic brother living with him, didn't get my son's type 1 insulin meds for 6 months and starved our cats. He drank all the time and didn't get out of bed...ever. He never fed them,( they lived on toast and cereal,) or wash their clothes or took them out. Interestingly a social worker went round 6 times and didn't pick up on anything. He blocked my number on their phones but eventually they realised and were able to get in touch with me. He was never like that with them when I was there. Never underestimate how they can become. I was appalled at what he became capable of. Even if your husband is "only drinking" and you are in an rv in the yard ( not sure why you have to move out tbh but that another post) it's not a good place for your son to be with him by himself.
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