Trying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Trying
Hi,
I am familiar with AA because I joined the program in the summer of 2015. After falling off the wagon a few times, I managed to dig in, get a sponsor and do my steps.
I stayed sober for 13 months and actually started living life - as the oldtimers call it.
But I fell off again.
Honestly i have not made many serious attempts since. Going to 2 meetings has been impossible in a row, I usually drink before then.
I keep telling myself I got sober once, I can do it again. I am 26, not married, earn okay and keep telling myself I still have a lot of time. People I met in the program had crashed cars, string of divorces, a few homeless people, loans they couldn't pay - but I was none of that and I have used that excuse for so long.
After a bad bender, I wake up with shame and guilt - I promise my gf to clean up, sometimes even manage to make a meeting, but by the second day, I am back at it.
I once quit for 30 days just to prove to myself I didn't have a problem - a month which i then celebrated with alcohol again...
I have tried drinking every alternate day, drinking only on weekends, drinking after eating, not drinking at home, drinking only when watching sports/playing music (i record music as a hobby) - I manage to keep up for 2 weeks at most, and then it's daily drinking from then.
I know it seems like i know what my problem is, but i am terrified of stopping. A part of me is actually scared the program will work because that would mean a life without alcohol. No more weekends, new years, Christmas, family vacations.
I plan on doing meetings starting this evening (still just 1 pm in Dubai, UAE)
I am just tired of failing at this over and over - even more tired of waking up the way i do, everyday.
I am familiar with AA because I joined the program in the summer of 2015. After falling off the wagon a few times, I managed to dig in, get a sponsor and do my steps.
I stayed sober for 13 months and actually started living life - as the oldtimers call it.
But I fell off again.
Honestly i have not made many serious attempts since. Going to 2 meetings has been impossible in a row, I usually drink before then.
I keep telling myself I got sober once, I can do it again. I am 26, not married, earn okay and keep telling myself I still have a lot of time. People I met in the program had crashed cars, string of divorces, a few homeless people, loans they couldn't pay - but I was none of that and I have used that excuse for so long.
After a bad bender, I wake up with shame and guilt - I promise my gf to clean up, sometimes even manage to make a meeting, but by the second day, I am back at it.
I once quit for 30 days just to prove to myself I didn't have a problem - a month which i then celebrated with alcohol again...
I have tried drinking every alternate day, drinking only on weekends, drinking after eating, not drinking at home, drinking only when watching sports/playing music (i record music as a hobby) - I manage to keep up for 2 weeks at most, and then it's daily drinking from then.
I know it seems like i know what my problem is, but i am terrified of stopping. A part of me is actually scared the program will work because that would mean a life without alcohol. No more weekends, new years, Christmas, family vacations.
I plan on doing meetings starting this evening (still just 1 pm in Dubai, UAE)
I am just tired of failing at this over and over - even more tired of waking up the way i do, everyday.
to SR. Good thing about this site is, there is someone here 24/7 Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: yorkshire UK
Posts: 879
Hi Anathema. Welcome to SR. I understand what you mean; its like we try EVERY possible to way to have alcohol in our lives but without it controlling us. But you, me, and everyone else on here has found that impossible.
Try not to look at the future, just take a day at a time. I know it sounds like an old cliche but its still true. I am 3 and half weeks sober and very happy to be but I have relapsed so many times in the past I am scared also.
You said you had 13 great months sober, it can come again. Just a day at a time.
Check into the 24 hour recovery connection forum on this site, sign up every day pledging not to drink for the next 24 hours. I find it a great help. Just for today I will be sober, I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
Stay close to this site; read posts and post yourself. Give up the battle of control with alcohol, don't give it house room
Take care.
Try not to look at the future, just take a day at a time. I know it sounds like an old cliche but its still true. I am 3 and half weeks sober and very happy to be but I have relapsed so many times in the past I am scared also.
You said you had 13 great months sober, it can come again. Just a day at a time.
Check into the 24 hour recovery connection forum on this site, sign up every day pledging not to drink for the next 24 hours. I find it a great help. Just for today I will be sober, I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
Stay close to this site; read posts and post yourself. Give up the battle of control with alcohol, don't give it house room
Take care.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome Anathema 
Joining SR was a game changer for me - I couldn't go beyond 3 days without drinking...but somehow being part of this community - asking for help and giving help to others - gave me back the ability to make better choices.
I'm glad you've found us
D
Joining SR was a game changer for me - I couldn't go beyond 3 days without drinking...but somehow being part of this community - asking for help and giving help to others - gave me back the ability to make better choices.
I'm glad you've found us
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
If I think too hard I can come up with loads of reasons why I don't want to quit drinking. Holidays parties functions Christmas nights out weekendsome away all inclusive holidays wine with dinner wine after work wine every night and on and on it goes.
I have to look at it differently. How my life is better without drinking in it. I'm not giving up something or making a sacrifice I'm gaining something. Better sleep better health better looks better mental health. Respect of others and respect of myself. Peace of mind. Serenity. More time to do things. More time to enjoy things. Really enjoy life. No hangovers. No blacking out. No waking thinking what did I do or say. No headaches no dehydration no waking at 3 am fearful.
What's not to miss 😀
I have to look at it differently. How my life is better without drinking in it. I'm not giving up something or making a sacrifice I'm gaining something. Better sleep better health better looks better mental health. Respect of others and respect of myself. Peace of mind. Serenity. More time to do things. More time to enjoy things. Really enjoy life. No hangovers. No blacking out. No waking thinking what did I do or say. No headaches no dehydration no waking at 3 am fearful.
What's not to miss 😀
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
The thought of missing out on the fun occasions without drinking was a problem for me, too. I could not imagine a party, restaurant, holiday, etc. without alcohol.
When I quit drinking, I looked around and realized that a lot of other people at these events weren't drinking either! You've gone 6 weeks and realized the benefits - keep that in mind.
I'm fairly social and enjoyed the AA meetings for that but it was also hard for me to get to a meeting. SR is a fabulous resource. Don't give up.
When I quit drinking, I looked around and realized that a lot of other people at these events weren't drinking either! You've gone 6 weeks and realized the benefits - keep that in mind.
I'm fairly social and enjoyed the AA meetings for that but it was also hard for me to get to a meeting. SR is a fabulous resource. Don't give up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 298
As others have said, I was also terrified of living a life alcohol free. I had woven drinking into the fibers of my life, so how could I possibly go on without it?
First, I had to educate myself on how drinking had altered my thinking. That if I really thought back on all those "good times", they were fun because of the activity, the friends, the family. The booze just stopped my insecurities, and allowed be to be free. I needed to learn to be free, and whole, without drinking. I started doing that, and sobriety began to take hold. It's an ongoing process, and takes focus every day.
It's scary and hard at first, but then you realize, of course you can live without it. It can be so much better, and honest, and scary, and whole, without it.
First, I had to educate myself on how drinking had altered my thinking. That if I really thought back on all those "good times", they were fun because of the activity, the friends, the family. The booze just stopped my insecurities, and allowed be to be free. I needed to learn to be free, and whole, without drinking. I started doing that, and sobriety began to take hold. It's an ongoing process, and takes focus every day.
It's scary and hard at first, but then you realize, of course you can live without it. It can be so much better, and honest, and scary, and whole, without it.
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