Trying
Hi,
I am familiar with AA because I joined the program in the summer of 2015. After falling off the wagon a few times, I managed to dig in, get a sponsor and do my steps.
I stayed sober for 13 months and actually started living life - as the oldtimers call it.
But I fell off again.
Honestly i have not made many serious attempts since. Going to 2 meetings has been impossible in a row, I usually drink before then.
I keep telling myself I got sober once, I can do it again. I am 26, not married, earn okay and keep telling myself I still have a lot of time. People I met in the program had crashed cars, string of divorces, a few homeless people, loans they couldn't pay - but I was none of that and I have used that excuse for so long.
After a bad bender, I wake up with shame and guilt - I promise my gf to clean up, sometimes even manage to make a meeting, but by the second day, I am back at it.
I once quit for 30 days just to prove to myself I didn't have a problem - a month which i then celebrated with alcohol again...
I have tried drinking every alternate day, drinking only on weekends, drinking after eating, not drinking at home, drinking only when watching sports/playing music (i record music as a hobby) - I manage to keep up for 2 weeks at most, and then it's daily drinking from then.
I know it seems like i know what my problem is, but i am terrified of stopping. A part of me is actually scared the program will work because that would mean a life without alcohol. No more weekends, new years, Christmas, family vacations.
I plan on doing meetings starting this evening (still just 1 pm in Dubai, UAE)
I am just tired of failing at this over and over - even more tired of waking up the way i do, everyday.