I left the house for only an hour...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 4
I left the house for only an hour...
My heart is full of frustration. Even hate. I don't even know what it is I am hating, but it is excruciating.
I really should start by saying that I am NOT the innocent one. I have made so many, and continue to make, countless mistakes. It's just, now I feel like I am the only one trying to get better.
I literally left the house for an hour, and came home at 7:30PM to find him slobbery, slurry, stumbling drunk. Again. While he was suppose to be watching the kids. See, I work nights as a nurse, and I thought I had to work tonight, but I didn't. I always leave for work hoping to God that maybe he won't drink, or maybe he won't drink too much, or maybe he will wait for the kids to go to bed, or maybe I at least won't arrive home in the morning to find him passed out on the couch in my pantyhose with beer cans or cups of booze all over the coffee table while my boys stare at him because he is near impossible to wake up.
It's not only that, he drinks all day on his days off. He drinks in a sneaky way. One might never actually see him take a drink, but alas, as the day goes on he gets drunker and drunker.
When we met 5 years ago as coworkers in a bar, I never imagined we would end up like this. I'm no longer his girlfriend. I am his enabler. We don't even kiss or be intimate. These days I just keep him from getting arrested, and pay most of the bills. Back when we first got together I felt every night was a drinking competition. I would drink myself sick just trying to remotely keep up with him. When our first son was born he calmed down a little, but things are back to where they were and worse.
He is "functional". If by functional you mean hasn't been arrested, and has been able to hold down his 3-shift a week gig at Outback Steakhouse.
I can't help him, and I'm scarred of what will happen if I kick him to the curb. I hate to admit that I need him, and want him to be a father to his boys. He is a terrible example right now, though. God help me, I don't think anyone can stop the bad that will ensue when I let go of the reins and stop trying to control this madness.
I really should start by saying that I am NOT the innocent one. I have made so many, and continue to make, countless mistakes. It's just, now I feel like I am the only one trying to get better.
I literally left the house for an hour, and came home at 7:30PM to find him slobbery, slurry, stumbling drunk. Again. While he was suppose to be watching the kids. See, I work nights as a nurse, and I thought I had to work tonight, but I didn't. I always leave for work hoping to God that maybe he won't drink, or maybe he won't drink too much, or maybe he will wait for the kids to go to bed, or maybe I at least won't arrive home in the morning to find him passed out on the couch in my pantyhose with beer cans or cups of booze all over the coffee table while my boys stare at him because he is near impossible to wake up.
It's not only that, he drinks all day on his days off. He drinks in a sneaky way. One might never actually see him take a drink, but alas, as the day goes on he gets drunker and drunker.
When we met 5 years ago as coworkers in a bar, I never imagined we would end up like this. I'm no longer his girlfriend. I am his enabler. We don't even kiss or be intimate. These days I just keep him from getting arrested, and pay most of the bills. Back when we first got together I felt every night was a drinking competition. I would drink myself sick just trying to remotely keep up with him. When our first son was born he calmed down a little, but things are back to where they were and worse.
He is "functional". If by functional you mean hasn't been arrested, and has been able to hold down his 3-shift a week gig at Outback Steakhouse.
I can't help him, and I'm scarred of what will happen if I kick him to the curb. I hate to admit that I need him, and want him to be a father to his boys. He is a terrible example right now, though. God help me, I don't think anyone can stop the bad that will ensue when I let go of the reins and stop trying to control this madness.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hugs to you DF. Have you considered AlAnon at all? I'd also suggest reading and posting (daily) in the friends and family area here, as the folk there have walked this path ahead of you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Thing is, it doesn't really matter what label you slap on his alcoholism. While he doesn't want to stop drinking, he won't. And why would he want to stop while he has someone to pick up the pieces from his chaos? You are absorbing the impact of his choices and active alcoholism, so he can be barely functional because you're making that so. But I doubt this is sustainable in the long term. You have your own side of the street to manage with out having to sweep up the consequences of his drinking. He is not one of the kids.
A short perusal of the ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) literature will be very informative. You may think you are holding the family together for the kids sake. But growing up in a household with a parent who is unpredictable, irresponsible, and emotionally unavailable is not good for any child's emotional security and development.
I hope that you will find the support you need to draw some healthy boundaries so you and your children can free yourself of the misery of living with the effects of active alcoholism somehow.
BB
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Thing is, it doesn't really matter what label you slap on his alcoholism. While he doesn't want to stop drinking, he won't. And why would he want to stop while he has someone to pick up the pieces from his chaos? You are absorbing the impact of his choices and active alcoholism, so he can be barely functional because you're making that so. But I doubt this is sustainable in the long term. You have your own side of the street to manage with out having to sweep up the consequences of his drinking. He is not one of the kids.
A short perusal of the ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) literature will be very informative. You may think you are holding the family together for the kids sake. But growing up in a household with a parent who is unpredictable, irresponsible, and emotionally unavailable is not good for any child's emotional security and development.
I hope that you will find the support you need to draw some healthy boundaries so you and your children can free yourself of the misery of living with the effects of active alcoholism somehow.
BB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
You are hating the situation, mostly. You mentioned that you met as co-workers in a bar, yet you are now a nurse, and he has a part-time job in the same sort of industry as when you met. Connect those dots, and you will see where the hate and resentment is coming from.
Your kids are the focus. Period. If their mom (assuming they are sons) puts up with behaviors like his, would you want your sons to expect women to put up with it ?
Good luck and God bless.
Your kids are the focus. Period. If their mom (assuming they are sons) puts up with behaviors like his, would you want your sons to expect women to put up with it ?
Good luck and God bless.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
This sounds very hard. I wonder if you have a support system or any sober friends around you who could offer advice on how to proceed in a safe way which will be best for your children and your own fragile sobriety? Keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
I feel for you Drunken Flower. My husband used to drink like that, though only on weekends and football games. He still drinks heavily, but not like he used to do. I remember coming home one Sunday night (My mother was dying and I was visiting her) only to find him passed out in a chair. Our son (about 11 at the time) was no where to be seen. I woke him up and asked him where he was and he said, "I don't know". Turns out my son had walked a couple of miles and back to a boy scout meeting. Our son never spoke of it. I agree with others to check out the friends and family forum. I wish you the best of luck. Please post often and let us know how you're doing.
((HUGS))
((HUGS))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,298
I feel and can relate to your exasperation, paradox and fear. He is stuck. Alcohol is marching him right over the cliff. Here, we know the sound of that drum and where it takes us. Don’t go there with him. I got sober for my kids. Unless he chooses to do something different, the alcohol with bring him lower. If you make it comfortable for him, he will continue and the weight will be heavier for you. Your focus, care and resources need to be taking care of your kids and yourself. If he doesn’t feel the weight of his addiction, he won’t change. Even if he does he may not change. But the kids are first and they need stable and healthy. I’m glad you are here, but I’m sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Outside support like Alanon is highly recommended.
You have my prayers for you and your family.
You have my prayers for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
God help me, I don't think anyone can stop the bad that will ensue when I let go of the reins and stop trying to control this madness.
you are under the illusion you HAVE this under control.
you do not. you cannot control HIS drinking. you can only make choices in what YOU are going to be about living with his drinking.
god help all of you if while drunk and caring for small children, something goes terribly wrong. a fire, burns from the hot water tap, drowning, wandering off. instead of making him the filter of your thinking, shift it to what is best and safest for the children.
his drinking is not going to get better. it will only get worse. whether you are there thinking you can stop it or not.
you are under the illusion you HAVE this under control.
you do not. you cannot control HIS drinking. you can only make choices in what YOU are going to be about living with his drinking.
god help all of you if while drunk and caring for small children, something goes terribly wrong. a fire, burns from the hot water tap, drowning, wandering off. instead of making him the filter of your thinking, shift it to what is best and safest for the children.
his drinking is not going to get better. it will only get worse. whether you are there thinking you can stop it or not.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree and am sorry for your situation.
Would you leave your children with anyone else who was drunk and passing out? I think you know how dangerous this is and from the time you have had together, I am guessing your children are very small.
Please think of them, they are not safe with him. Please find some support for yourself, meetings or counseling have helped many of us here, and put some peace and stability back into your life.
Would you leave your children with anyone else who was drunk and passing out? I think you know how dangerous this is and from the time you have had together, I am guessing your children are very small.
Please think of them, they are not safe with him. Please find some support for yourself, meetings or counseling have helped many of us here, and put some peace and stability back into your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
If you've had an alcohol problem in the past or still do (based on your username), it makes sense that you are now "waking up" to a situation that has probably been in place for a long time.
We all know this intellectually: Hope is not a strategy. You just can't leave your kids with him, and hope he doesn't drink. I'm sure you're super overwhelmed right now, but it seems like there are two main things you need to do: 1) Stay sober, and 2) find a new childcare provider immediately. That's it.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds just awful.
We all know this intellectually: Hope is not a strategy. You just can't leave your kids with him, and hope he doesn't drink. I'm sure you're super overwhelmed right now, but it seems like there are two main things you need to do: 1) Stay sober, and 2) find a new childcare provider immediately. That's it.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds just awful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
As an adult child of both alcoholic parents, I can tell you it'll cause far more harm to the children trying to "keep him around for the kid's sake".
I'm 45, and still have long-standing issues from it.
If you don't see yourself as deserving better, at least be the adult in the relationship and realize that they do.
The ability to father children does not make one a "Dad."
I'm 45, and still have long-standing issues from it.
If you don't see yourself as deserving better, at least be the adult in the relationship and realize that they do.
The ability to father children does not make one a "Dad."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 4
I used to drink a lot, but not anymore. My username is not in reference to how much I drink.
I don't know how I will be able to do this. But I know I can't leave the kids alone with him anymore. I need to figure something out. I just don't have many options. I'm not religious, not much family around, and not many friends anymore.
And I know that my yelling and being upset at him for drinking is probably doing more damage than his actual drinking.
I don't know how I will be able to do this. But I know I can't leave the kids alone with him anymore. I need to figure something out. I just don't have many options. I'm not religious, not much family around, and not many friends anymore.
And I know that my yelling and being upset at him for drinking is probably doing more damage than his actual drinking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
I read the book "Lit" a few weeks ago and I encourage you to too...powerful story about a woman struggling with alcohol while she was a new mom...so kind of reverse of your situation. Instead of kicking him "on the street" maybe give him the option of inpatient. Sounds like your kids are really young and besides him being a bad example it's probably not safe for them to be alone with him simply as he cannot watch small children when passed out! Hope you have friends/family that can help with your kids; if so, consider an intervention with that support group present the day you decide he has the choice of rehab or "the street." Then it's his choice, and it's hard and scary, but likely his only chance.🌾🙏💙
Originally Posted by DrunkenFlower 
My heart is full of frustration. Even hate. I don't even know what it is I am hating, but it is excruciating.
I really should start by saying that I am NOT the innocent one. I have made so many, and continue to make, countless mistakes. It's just, now I feel like I am the only one trying to get better.
I literally left the house for an hour, and came home at 7:30PM to find him slobbery, slurry, stumbling drunk. Again. While he was suppose to be watching the kids. See, I work nights as a nurse, and I thought I had to work tonight, but I didn't. I always leave for work hoping to God that maybe he won't drink, or maybe he won't drink too much, or maybe he will wait for the kids to go to bed, or maybe I at least won't arrive home in the morning to find him passed out on the couch in my pantyhose with beer cans or cups of booze all over the coffee table while my boys stare at him because he is near impossible to wake up.
It's not only that, he drinks all day on his days off. He drinks in a sneaky way. One might never actually see him take a drink, but alas, as the day goes on he gets drunker and drunker.
When we met 5 years ago as coworkers in a bar, I never imagined we would end up like this. I'm no longer his girlfriend. I am his enabler. We don't even kiss or be intimate. These days I just keep him from getting arrested, and pay most of the bills. Back when we first got together I felt every night was a drinking competition. I would drink myself sick just trying to remotely keep up with him. When our first son was born he calmed down a little, but things are back to where they were and worse.
He is "functional". If by functional you mean hasn't been arrested, and has been able to hold down his 3-shift a week gig at Outback Steakhouse.
I can't help him, and I'm scarred of what will happen if I kick him to the curb. I hate to admit that I need him, and want him to be a father to his boys. He is a terrible example right now, though. God help me, I don't think anyone can stop the bad that will ensue when I let go of the reins and stop trying to control this madness.
I really should start by saying that I am NOT the innocent one. I have made so many, and continue to make, countless mistakes. It's just, now I feel like I am the only one trying to get better.
I literally left the house for an hour, and came home at 7:30PM to find him slobbery, slurry, stumbling drunk. Again. While he was suppose to be watching the kids. See, I work nights as a nurse, and I thought I had to work tonight, but I didn't. I always leave for work hoping to God that maybe he won't drink, or maybe he won't drink too much, or maybe he will wait for the kids to go to bed, or maybe I at least won't arrive home in the morning to find him passed out on the couch in my pantyhose with beer cans or cups of booze all over the coffee table while my boys stare at him because he is near impossible to wake up.
It's not only that, he drinks all day on his days off. He drinks in a sneaky way. One might never actually see him take a drink, but alas, as the day goes on he gets drunker and drunker.
When we met 5 years ago as coworkers in a bar, I never imagined we would end up like this. I'm no longer his girlfriend. I am his enabler. We don't even kiss or be intimate. These days I just keep him from getting arrested, and pay most of the bills. Back when we first got together I felt every night was a drinking competition. I would drink myself sick just trying to remotely keep up with him. When our first son was born he calmed down a little, but things are back to where they were and worse.
He is "functional". If by functional you mean hasn't been arrested, and has been able to hold down his 3-shift a week gig at Outback Steakhouse.
I can't help him, and I'm scarred of what will happen if I kick him to the curb. I hate to admit that I need him, and want him to be a father to his boys. He is a terrible example right now, though. God help me, I don't think anyone can stop the bad that will ensue when I let go of the reins and stop trying to control this madness.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
Regarding not having much family or friends, it doesn't hurt to reach out to the ones you do have...especially other women that have hearts for children. They may surprise you and offer help at least in the short term/while he's in rehab if he goes. And you don't have to be religious to go to a nearby church and ask for help...there are a lot of older women out there who don't have grandchildren nearby that would love the chance to help someone who is essentially a single mom. Just a thought...and I'll say a prayer for you and your boys that some good people will come into your life to help alleviate this very hard, I'm sure terribly frightening situation. 🌾🙏🏻💙
Originally Posted by DrunkenFlower
I used to drink a lot, but not anymore. My username is not in reference to how much I drink.
I don't know how I will be able to do this. But I know I can't leave the kids alone with him anymore. I need to figure something out. I just don't have many options. I'm not religious, not much family around, and not many friends anymore.
And I know that my yelling and being upset at him for drinking is probably doing more damage than his actual drinking.
I don't know how I will be able to do this. But I know I can't leave the kids alone with him anymore. I need to figure something out. I just don't have many options. I'm not religious, not much family around, and not many friends anymore.
And I know that my yelling and being upset at him for drinking is probably doing more damage than his actual drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I can't help him, and I'm scarred of what will happen if I kick him to the curb. I hate to admit that I need him, and want him to be a father to his boys. He is a terrible example right now, though. God help me, I don't think anyone can stop the bad that will ensue when I let go of the reins and stop trying to control this madness
You're right. You can't help him. Nor can you make him want to be a good father. You can't make him do anything you'd like him to do because those aren't your decisions to make. They're his. He's made them. Fighting his decisions will only wear you down and drain your energy. I imagine that energy would be better spent on your child and yourself?
You're not responsible for talking care of him. He's an adult. What happens to him if (or when) you've had enough of the insanity and you kick him to the curb, is not going to be your fault. The consequences of his actions are HIS to bear. Not yours.
You're right. You can't help him. Nor can you make him want to be a good father. You can't make him do anything you'd like him to do because those aren't your decisions to make. They're his. He's made them. Fighting his decisions will only wear you down and drain your energy. I imagine that energy would be better spent on your child and yourself?
You're not responsible for talking care of him. He's an adult. What happens to him if (or when) you've had enough of the insanity and you kick him to the curb, is not going to be your fault. The consequences of his actions are HIS to bear. Not yours.
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