Hi. 19 days so far.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,916
Hi. 19 days so far.
I keep getting the reminder about never having posted so here goes. I am a 43 year old married mother of 2 beautiful and challenging children. I have a very stressful executive level job. I have spent years trying to cultivate a continual state of numbness once the workday ended. I think this has been my strategy to deal with difficulties in marriage and feelings of failure for not being the competent parent I thought I would be (I'm sure drinking played a role but I mean more that from the MOMENT my first child was born about ten years ago I never felt like I could do it right despite years and years of babysitting and working with kids. I could go on but then I'll never finish this post). And to blot out the extreme stress of my job.
I quit abruptly on 1/2. I say abruptly because it was a surprise even to me. I quit for 90 days in 2015 and tried a sober January the following year and didn't even make it through that. When asked if I was doing sober January this year I just laughed. Things at work have been too intense. I couldn't even think about going a day much less a month. Much less longer. But then I woke up January 2nd after weeks of hard drinking, wondering if I slurred my words around company and my parents, having spent so much time and energy to cultivate and maintain a consistent buzz that it was my total preoccupation when not at work or otherwise totally occupied, and I just decided to go for the month. I am scared to say forever. But I'm aiming for it. I don't know how this will be received around here. I'm having to tell myself I will go 100 days and then reassess. It's just too daunting at the moment to choose forever. So I'm doing one day at a time, for a minimum of 100 days.
I just think I may need at least a virtual community (if not a community IRL) for some support. Right now I feel awesome about my choice. I can't say I feel awesome in general. I have headaches a lot. Soreness. Fatigue. And everything feels basically the same in terms of it being difficult to manage stress. BUT I feel good about my choice. I just worry for the long term. My marriage was borne of a bond over drinking and that has continued into today. My husband is the great enabler and normalizer of what is at its core problem drinking. I love him, and I have just had to make peace that anyone who quits has conditions that face them. Maybe someone is further along in their alcoholism. Maybe someone else has a history of trauma and it's harder to manage stress. Someone else has no financial resources. Everyone is going to encounter conditions that will make them want to drink. I just happen to live with one of the biggest conditions of mine and be married to him. At least for now I just decided that it was important to focus on my sobriety, on my life and then see what needs to happen in our marriage. Or not. I couldn't do both at the same time. Plus I think it would be too easy to just say that it's his fault I drink. Um, no. It's mine just as much so right now I'm dealing with the half I have control over, yours truly.
But because I live with a high functioning alcoholic and am confronted DAILY with temptation I'm reaching out to you all. So that maybe when my kids are screaming and my husband is swilling a martini (or even more tempting drinking my beautiful ex-best-friend Chardonnay) I can come online and say HELP!
Thanks for reading. This may be too long a post. Sorry!
I quit abruptly on 1/2. I say abruptly because it was a surprise even to me. I quit for 90 days in 2015 and tried a sober January the following year and didn't even make it through that. When asked if I was doing sober January this year I just laughed. Things at work have been too intense. I couldn't even think about going a day much less a month. Much less longer. But then I woke up January 2nd after weeks of hard drinking, wondering if I slurred my words around company and my parents, having spent so much time and energy to cultivate and maintain a consistent buzz that it was my total preoccupation when not at work or otherwise totally occupied, and I just decided to go for the month. I am scared to say forever. But I'm aiming for it. I don't know how this will be received around here. I'm having to tell myself I will go 100 days and then reassess. It's just too daunting at the moment to choose forever. So I'm doing one day at a time, for a minimum of 100 days.
I just think I may need at least a virtual community (if not a community IRL) for some support. Right now I feel awesome about my choice. I can't say I feel awesome in general. I have headaches a lot. Soreness. Fatigue. And everything feels basically the same in terms of it being difficult to manage stress. BUT I feel good about my choice. I just worry for the long term. My marriage was borne of a bond over drinking and that has continued into today. My husband is the great enabler and normalizer of what is at its core problem drinking. I love him, and I have just had to make peace that anyone who quits has conditions that face them. Maybe someone is further along in their alcoholism. Maybe someone else has a history of trauma and it's harder to manage stress. Someone else has no financial resources. Everyone is going to encounter conditions that will make them want to drink. I just happen to live with one of the biggest conditions of mine and be married to him. At least for now I just decided that it was important to focus on my sobriety, on my life and then see what needs to happen in our marriage. Or not. I couldn't do both at the same time. Plus I think it would be too easy to just say that it's his fault I drink. Um, no. It's mine just as much so right now I'm dealing with the half I have control over, yours truly.
But because I live with a high functioning alcoholic and am confronted DAILY with temptation I'm reaching out to you all. So that maybe when my kids are screaming and my husband is swilling a martini (or even more tempting drinking my beautiful ex-best-friend Chardonnay) I can come online and say HELP!
Thanks for reading. This may be too long a post. Sorry!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Welcome Numblady and Congratulations on your 19 days. That's pretty awesome. I, also, am married to one of my triggers. However, he's only one trigger. I have lots of triggers because I was always looking for an excuse to drink. I hope you stay with us. Read and post often. You will find lots of wisdom, friendship and support here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,575
Welcome to the family, Numblady. 19 days - something to be so proud of. We know how hard it is in the beginning.
I had no one to talk things over with - everyone in my life was a social drinker. They also thought I could just have 'one or two' and not have to quit all together. They just didn't get it - and that's why I treasure SR. We can discuss our challenges & struggles - and understand each other. We're glad you're here.
I had no one to talk things over with - everyone in my life was a social drinker. They also thought I could just have 'one or two' and not have to quit all together. They just didn't get it - and that's why I treasure SR. We can discuss our challenges & struggles - and understand each other. We're glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Hi NL
The similarities in your story are our connection.
I'm on day 11
I have a 12 step many years sober sponsor
I am on a daily program but I also am focusing on 90 to 100 initially
Although I am under no illusion that if I don't stay stopped I'm in for some irreversible consequences.
That's an incentive to keep me honest with myself.
Trauma
Fatigue
Despair
Fake numbness ( alcohol' s illusion!)
Demoralisation
I could go on.. you get my drift!
No thanks I don't want any more misery!!
No I am taking responsibility for my well-being.
I don't fight my addiction
I accept it
I move in another direction one breath a time and I can honestly say
In spite of myself and my weaknesses
I am accessing an Authentic loving Power thAt is empowering me to maintain my sobriety and I am experiencing that energy by following a daily action plan.
It is the only way I know how to build a defence against the illness of addiction.
I quit playing God
I let go
I follow directions
I am open minded, reachable And teachable and wow.. .
This surrender moment to moment as scary and unfamiliar as it is to me
Is working!
You can do recovery
Anyone can if they are willing to get at it!!
I also had 90 days a while back
I also couldn't even go a day up until recently.
Today I am living proof that sober living is a reality as long as I do what I have to do to allow that to become my daily experience.
Best wishes to you.
G
The similarities in your story are our connection.
I'm on day 11
I have a 12 step many years sober sponsor
I am on a daily program but I also am focusing on 90 to 100 initially
Although I am under no illusion that if I don't stay stopped I'm in for some irreversible consequences.
That's an incentive to keep me honest with myself.
Trauma
Fatigue
Despair
Fake numbness ( alcohol' s illusion!)
Demoralisation
I could go on.. you get my drift!
No thanks I don't want any more misery!!
No I am taking responsibility for my well-being.
I don't fight my addiction
I accept it
I move in another direction one breath a time and I can honestly say
In spite of myself and my weaknesses
I am accessing an Authentic loving Power thAt is empowering me to maintain my sobriety and I am experiencing that energy by following a daily action plan.
It is the only way I know how to build a defence against the illness of addiction.
I quit playing God
I let go
I follow directions
I am open minded, reachable And teachable and wow.. .
This surrender moment to moment as scary and unfamiliar as it is to me
Is working!
You can do recovery
Anyone can if they are willing to get at it!!
I also had 90 days a while back
I also couldn't even go a day up until recently.
Today I am living proof that sober living is a reality as long as I do what I have to do to allow that to become my daily experience.
Best wishes to you.
G
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 172
Welcome! This site is amazing! I am starting day by day and not sayin forever either.
Have you read drinking: a love story? I just finished it and I find it speaks to the functional alcoholic and shows you how it progresses.
Have you read drinking: a love story? I just finished it and I find it speaks to the functional alcoholic and shows you how it progresses.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 4
Day 1 - again.....
I completely understand what you are going through. I too have had executive level jobs where the environment was all about drinking and partying when the clock hit 6pm. I walked away from that job in order to have more control and balance in my life. However, every job has stress and I have been finding I can no longer handle it and desperately look to when I can open the Chardonnay or any flavor of wine available to me. I have been trying to stop for months. I can manage a day and then the drive to drink until numb is back. I told my husband today. He is supportive as he drinks very little. I am wondering about the meds that reduce or stop the cravings. I am going to discuss with a doctor who is expert in field. I don’t think it is possible for me to be a moderate drinker.
Originally Posted by Numblady 
I keep getting the reminder about never having posted so here goes. I am a 43 year old married mother of 2 beautiful and challenging children. I have a very stressful executive level job. I have spent years trying to cultivate a continual state of numbness once the workday ended. I think this has been my strategy to deal with difficulties in marriage and feelings of failure for not being the competent parent I thought I would be (I'm sure drinking played a role but I mean more that from the MOMENT my first child was born about ten years ago I never felt like I could do it right despite years and years of babysitting and working with kids. I could go on but then I'll never finish this post). And to blot out the extreme stress of my job.
I quit abruptly on 1/2. I say abruptly because it was a surprise even to me. I quit for 90 days in 2015 and tried a sober January the following year and didn't even make it through that. When asked if I was doing sober January this year I just laughed. Things at work have been too intense. I couldn't even think about going a day much less a month. Much less longer. But then I woke up January 2nd after weeks of hard drinking, wondering if I slurred my words around company and my parents, having spent so much time and energy to cultivate and maintain a consistent buzz that it was my total preoccupation when not at work or otherwise totally occupied, and I just decided to go for the month. I am scared to say forever. But I'm aiming for it. I don't know how this will be received around here. I'm having to tell myself I will go 100 days and then reassess. It's just too daunting at the moment to choose forever. So I'm doing one day at a time, for a minimum of 100 days.
I just think I may need at least a virtual community (if not a community IRL) for some support. Right now I feel awesome about my choice. I can't say I feel awesome in general. I have headaches a lot. Soreness. Fatigue. And everything feels basically the same in terms of it being difficult to manage stress. BUT I feel good about my choice. I just worry for the long term. My marriage was borne of a bond over drinking and that has continued into today. My husband is the great enabler and normalizer of what is at its core problem drinking. I love him, and I have just had to make peace that anyone who quits has conditions that face them. Maybe someone is further along in their alcoholism. Maybe someone else has a history of trauma and it's harder to manage stress. Someone else has no financial resources. Everyone is going to encounter conditions that will make them want to drink. I just happen to live with one of the biggest conditions of mine and be married to him. At least for now I just decided that it was important to focus on my sobriety, on my life and then see what needs to happen in our marriage. Or not. I couldn't do both at the same time. Plus I think it would be too easy to just say that it's his fault I drink. Um, no. It's mine just as much so right now I'm dealing with the half I have control over, yours truly.
But because I live with a high functioning alcoholic and am confronted DAILY with temptation I'm reaching out to you all. So that maybe when my kids are screaming and my husband is swilling a martini (or even more tempting drinking my beautiful ex-best-friend Chardonnay) I can come online and say HELP!
Thanks for reading. This may be too long a post. Sorry!
I quit abruptly on 1/2. I say abruptly because it was a surprise even to me. I quit for 90 days in 2015 and tried a sober January the following year and didn't even make it through that. When asked if I was doing sober January this year I just laughed. Things at work have been too intense. I couldn't even think about going a day much less a month. Much less longer. But then I woke up January 2nd after weeks of hard drinking, wondering if I slurred my words around company and my parents, having spent so much time and energy to cultivate and maintain a consistent buzz that it was my total preoccupation when not at work or otherwise totally occupied, and I just decided to go for the month. I am scared to say forever. But I'm aiming for it. I don't know how this will be received around here. I'm having to tell myself I will go 100 days and then reassess. It's just too daunting at the moment to choose forever. So I'm doing one day at a time, for a minimum of 100 days.
I just think I may need at least a virtual community (if not a community IRL) for some support. Right now I feel awesome about my choice. I can't say I feel awesome in general. I have headaches a lot. Soreness. Fatigue. And everything feels basically the same in terms of it being difficult to manage stress. BUT I feel good about my choice. I just worry for the long term. My marriage was borne of a bond over drinking and that has continued into today. My husband is the great enabler and normalizer of what is at its core problem drinking. I love him, and I have just had to make peace that anyone who quits has conditions that face them. Maybe someone is further along in their alcoholism. Maybe someone else has a history of trauma and it's harder to manage stress. Someone else has no financial resources. Everyone is going to encounter conditions that will make them want to drink. I just happen to live with one of the biggest conditions of mine and be married to him. At least for now I just decided that it was important to focus on my sobriety, on my life and then see what needs to happen in our marriage. Or not. I couldn't do both at the same time. Plus I think it would be too easy to just say that it's his fault I drink. Um, no. It's mine just as much so right now I'm dealing with the half I have control over, yours truly.
But because I live with a high functioning alcoholic and am confronted DAILY with temptation I'm reaching out to you all. So that maybe when my kids are screaming and my husband is swilling a martini (or even more tempting drinking my beautiful ex-best-friend Chardonnay) I can come online and say HELP!
Thanks for reading. This may be too long a post. Sorry!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
Well done and welcome. I was a high functioning alcoholic as well; good job that I still have, no money worries, etc. The way people reacted to the new me was mostly positive, especially those closest to me who were most aware of the problem.
You don't say much about your husband's reaction to your choice to sober up, but as a drunk himself, he may not care, as long as it doesn't interfere with HIS drinking. You will, if you continue on your sober journey, problem come to a place where his drinking will no longer be something you can deal with. For now, you are making the right choice to concentrate on YOU.
Good luck, you're in a good place here with good folks.
You don't say much about your husband's reaction to your choice to sober up, but as a drunk himself, he may not care, as long as it doesn't interfere with HIS drinking. You will, if you continue on your sober journey, problem come to a place where his drinking will no longer be something you can deal with. For now, you are making the right choice to concentrate on YOU.
Good luck, you're in a good place here with good folks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
NL,
I could really relate to your post. You have gotten some wonderful responses -- I could especially relate to GL's response.
I have found that moments of clarity like you had three weeks ago don't come often so I really hope you will continue to capitalise on it, notwithstanding your husband's behaviour. My bet is that he will eventually try to persuade to drink again, that you don't really have a problem, bla, bla.
And your AV will love it, no problem, off I go.
But please trust me on this, once a compulsive drinker, always a a compulsive drinker. From the first sip in my case, even after a long time on the bench.
So I totally understand not saying forever, but I hope you will find a way to make it forever, none of us know how many second chances we will get.
I could really relate to your post. You have gotten some wonderful responses -- I could especially relate to GL's response.
I have found that moments of clarity like you had three weeks ago don't come often so I really hope you will continue to capitalise on it, notwithstanding your husband's behaviour. My bet is that he will eventually try to persuade to drink again, that you don't really have a problem, bla, bla.
And your AV will love it, no problem, off I go.
But please trust me on this, once a compulsive drinker, always a a compulsive drinker. From the first sip in my case, even after a long time on the bench.
So I totally understand not saying forever, but I hope you will find a way to make it forever, none of us know how many second chances we will get.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,916
Yes Readygo (not sure why this didn't post below your post but I'm pretty sure it's operator error on my part 
)! This is the second stint I've had experimenting with sober life and each time i do it i obsessively read each and every drinking related memoir I can get my hands on. It really helps me. I particularly like Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore just because it's similar to my story. Kind of hope my mother in law doesn't ever see my Kindle carousel. Kick the Drink! Dry! It's got 'em all. 
LMK if you want any recommendations. Currently reading May Cause Miracles and the Sober Diairies. Let me know if you've got any other recommendations as well.
)! This is the second stint I've had experimenting with sober life and each time i do it i obsessively read each and every drinking related memoir I can get my hands on. It really helps me. I particularly like Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore just because it's similar to my story. Kind of hope my mother in law doesn't ever see my Kindle carousel. Kick the Drink! Dry! It's got 'em all. LMK if you want any recommendations. Currently reading May Cause Miracles and the Sober Diairies. Let me know if you've got any other recommendations as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,916
Aww JBean I hear you! Sounds like you've made it through at least a first day. Maybe you can make it through another (and another and so on?). Easier said than done, right? Also hope you can find community you need. This site seems so helpful and positive. I wish there was an app so I could check in at work while anticipating the night ahead. I hope you can find your way to a less stressed place. I'm no expert so I'll just say what I've been telling my own addled mind, which is that it hasn't exactly helped me all that much and I've had plenty of 100s of days with drinking but for over a decade unless I was cooking a baby or in the middle of nursing I haven't had any without. I want to know what it feels like. I've also discovered this whole new world called PODCASTS. I hated listening to anything but found my way to a series called Home. If you commute I highly recommend it.
Sending love and support!
Sending love and support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,916
Sorry everyone I'm learning that I should read all the posts and combine into one reply. Grayghost your advice is very good and so is yours Dropsie. Thank you! As for my husband, his response has been mixed. I will not say I blame him for being taken aback. I was putting away a crapton of wine, that i would go very great lengths to not be able to count: a little from this bottle, some from this box, oh and why not start a new bottle because I won't drink the whole thing on account of all the other wine I had and then I have something to look forward to tomorrow! And then all of a sudden, after the fact, I let him know that I had decided to quit completely for a while. At times he jokes in a negative way but he also has been in recovery (cocaine, primarily) and although he won't exactly support me I don't think he'll put much energy into trying to derail me. Granted that may happen naturally. Or it may be that I reach a point in my journey as Grayghost indicated, where we have to get on a similar path or just get on different ones. But I don't think he'll be critical of me for trying. At least, not most of the time.
He is an odd person in that he is completely unabashed about the amount he drinks, his liver functioning is amazing because he is an endurance athlete, and he seems to have made peace with where he is with his drinking. I'm not saying it's the right place for me or for him just that he's in his own world in a lot of ways when it comes to drinking.
Again thanks for listening!
He is an odd person in that he is completely unabashed about the amount he drinks, his liver functioning is amazing because he is an endurance athlete, and he seems to have made peace with where he is with his drinking. I'm not saying it's the right place for me or for him just that he's in his own world in a lot of ways when it comes to drinking.
Again thanks for listening!
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