LoveForMe

I made it to day 13. I drank because I was mad. I'm sick of this. I had about 12 ounces of a Straw-ber-rita and then I dumped the last 4. I don't even like the feeling of being buzzed anymore. Why do I still keep running to it to destroy my life?... I know why. I don't feel like I deserve to be or ever will be happy. Just needed to post. Thanks for reading.

ProfessorD

Nice to meet you! Don't beat yourself up. I for one find it incredible that you dumped the last 4 ounces. We all know how hard it is to stop drinking once we've started. WAY harder than drinking 12. So the important thing is that you're back on track. You'll get back to 13 days and many more!

least

I felt that way too, undeserving of happiness, while I was drinking. Drinking put me in despair, feeling hopeless. But the longer I was sober, the more that feeling of despair lifted. It will get better.

Change up your recovery plan. Do something different to stay sober. Try practicing gratitude every day.

Hevyn

I did the same thing, LoveForMe - kept using it to 'cope' when it really did nothing but cause me pain. Proud of you for dumping it out - you sound ready to do this.

Dustitoffman

I agree with least
Make some changes to your plan for effectively moving forward.
You did 13 days although you now start the clock at 1 you still did 13 days well done for that.
You can do much better than that and you know it! You deserve it!

Don't waste time beating yourself up with negative thought processes we can all talk ourselves down.
Make the changes to your plan to avoid the slip and get back on the horse.

Positive action. You can do it!

tomsteve

LFM, you say I don't feel like I deserve to be or ever will be happy.

however,could another reason be because you dont know how to process and react to anger? you do say I drank because I was mad

Rar

Good for you dumping the rest out! I'm only on Day 8 now, but I was in the same situation two days ago. I was so angry and tempted to drink. I was telling myself that I would calm down if I had only one drink. I eventually realized that I would be angry at some point again and I had better learn to cope with my feelings. It helped. Yesterday I was still in a funk, but kept telling myself these are only feelings and I don't have to act on them. 13 days is pretty awesome.

LoveForMe

You are right. I have always had anger management problems. I do not know how to deal with frustration. Anger seems to be my only trigger now.

LoveForMe

Thank you everyone for your replies. I need to stop playing this game. I hope this is my last day 1 for me. Drinking isn't for me anymore.

milly4me

((oh honey)) don't beat yourself up. I'm amazed at your strength to stop mid-drink. And you will be at 13 days again in just 13 days, ya know? Non of that nasty, horrible first day withdrawal stuff in your way either.

I find myself triggered the same way you seem to be. I get angry and drink. But I wonder if we aren't just trying to be the worthless person someone else thinks we are? I think deep down we both know we aren't worthless. I wonder if that's where the anger comes from?

Soberween

Early sobriety is really tough. You are wired differently from others and once your brain is programmed to think alcohol gives a pleasurable effect, it's difficult to reboot your system back to the old you that you were before you ever tried alcohol. I would definitely add to your recovery plan and have something in place for the next time you get angry.

That said, it's pretty great that you came here and posted instead of going on a bender. That is progress. Never quit quitting. We are all rooting for you.

ljc267

You're viewing this as a failure but you could also view it as a success. Instead of having the whole margarita and having more to get drunk you stopped.

That is progress. You realized what you were doing was counterproductive and you stopped. Sounds like you learned from your mistake.

SoberLeigh

Hi, LoveForMe! So glad you posted.

Well done on pouring out the remainder of the drink.

Least mentioned a change to your recovery plan - do you have a plan in place.

I will post a link to a great SR thread on that topic.

SoberLeigh

As promised:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...highlight=Psst (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

readyt0change

Keep fighting man.

At 87 days today and every time I think about drinking I realize I'll wake up in the morning hating myself and losing all this time too. I've gone too far now.

The booze solves nothing. Get back up and start again today.

tomsteve

i seriously relate to that! anger was good..........when i wasnt in a fit of rage. i didnt have a problem with it for a little bit after getting sober, but after the fog wore off- holy smokes!! and the thought that got engrained into me over years and years of doing it kept poppin up first:"get drunk."
yet my past showed me that didnt work for anything other than getting me drunk. it never solved the problem. never helped me understand why i was angry.
i was in AA and the steps(and talking to others) helped me tremendously learning what was causing it; helped me understand the causes and conditions.
i learned i dont just end up drunk when i got angry- its a process. typically starts with things not going my way. then i get frustrated and fight for my way. then i get angry when that doesnt happen. then i fight more. then get into a fit of rage when things still dont go my way.
then i drink.
the sooner i catch it the easier it is to solve.

tomsteve

p.s.
i can go waaaaay back to when i was a youngen- back in the early years- 5-10 ish. i can remember hearing one of my siblings( i heard this often),"toms having a temper tantrum again."
they werent temper tantrums. they were fits of rage.

Dee74

I'm glad you're back LoveForMe

D

LoveForMe

I used to always throw things when I was younger. But drinking doesn't stop me from doing that either🤔

LoveForMe

Sorry my replies are always so short. I'm always on my phone when I reply.