Caravagio

Hi SR,

So here I am again. Officially day 1. I'm still anxious that I'm not going to do what is needed to stay sober. Right now I don't want a drink and the idea of having one makes me feel nauseous. But part of my pattern is that I feel like this, hungover. then in a few days I'll feel mentally stronger and this is usually when I think I can have a drink.

I have said this before but what I keep thinking is the further away I am from my last drink the closer I am to my next. This is my pattern. I feel very sad thinking of this cycle. Self sabotage is something I am very good at.

I'll keep checking in daily to SR to help give me the mental strength to do what I need to do x

IOAA2

Hi. It only is self sabotage if you let it. It's not an uncommon phrase in AA. I've been sober +30 years and for me it's very accurate though I seldom think about it as I just don't drink today. BE WELL

Boleo

I was stuck in a 2 week relapse cycle for the better part of 2 years. Even spending 5 months in rehab did not release me from having fantasy's about my next drink.

The thing that broke the cycle for me was a spiritual awaking so profound that I never thought about drinking again:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ory-boleo.html

Ghostlight1

Wow, I felt the same way as you for many years.
Fourth day; feeling better, hangover gone and hey! I can drink. I went through this cycle for many years until the drinking days became closer and closer to my last drink, and I was drinking in the morning to cure the hangover.

Alcoholism is progressive, and if you're anything like me, which I get the feeling you are, things will eventualy get worse.

What works for me is thinking the first drink through to the end and the misery it'll bring. I don't focus on how I feel now all the time, but how I used to feel while drinking. It was misery and out of control.
I've managed to stay sober now for two years eight months. It's great and I wouldn't let drink ruin my life again. I've never had one drink in my life, and I never plan to. It's all or nothing.
There are those of us here who are staying sober one day at a time, and I wish the same for you.

quitforme79

This is quite common I hear as the further we get away, the less we think of the consequences from our last drunk. At almost 10 months, my mind still can glorify a drink or think "it wasn't so bad". I have to remember that my decision to quit wasn't made in haste. I knew for awhile that I had to stop but just didn't have the willingness. AA meetings & SR remind me of the hell I don't want to go back to. When newcomers come in I see first hand how I looked/felt when I first put down the drink. Keep your resolve however you have to & just don't take the first drink!

misspond

Hi there - absolutely don't give in once you think you feel "stronger". It's not strength that has us take a drink, it's addiction. I'm no expert at this and I am working hard to ensure that I don't "feel strong enough" to have a drink anytime soon.

I never really understood the idea of one day at a time until very recently and I'm calling on all of my other experiences of giving up addictions to help with what I hope is my last negative one.

It really helps to read and post when you feel your resolve slipping, and remember, if one human being can achieve this we all can xx

dwtbd

If you are resolved to not drink , you need to change your thinking about alcohol use. What people refer to as a 'plan', only you can decide for yourself, but what is your plan?

From your comments it sounds like you are planning on using alcohol in the future, is that the case?

ArcticSA

How did you finally get the willingness???

AlefVavResh

I spent every moment I could squeeze in my first week.

You can do it!

happyhour

hi carv,

my mind is like a yapping dog on the other side of a door - barking, scratching, and tempting me "it's OK, it's just a beer, you don't have a problem...just moderate, you just got good/bad/any news have a drink". then, i open the door and the dog turns into the accuser..."you good for nothing loser, you can't do anything right, drunk, lush, has-been, good for nothing...."

sick..sick..sick.

stay strong and i agree - 1 day at a time. no more.

ZoeM

It's a lot easier to stay stopped, than to stop all over again. Been telling myself that a few times lately

ersatzmatriarch

something that might work for you when you feel like you're gonna grab that first drink... stop and remember your last drunk.

not your last drink... your last drunk. the last time you got wasted... remember it all, play it through in your head. the start, middle, finish and aftermath.

let yourself feel every moment of it... remember how it was honestly. for me, keeping that memory fresh (but safely stored until i need it) is plenty to keep me from picking up that first drink.

another thing i use is reading the threads here from the brave people who did pick up again and had the love and courage to not only come back, but to share their experiences with us. i hate that others have gone back into that experiment of picking up again (because i can imagine the pain), but i am grateful to how it turns out so i can take their word for it and not have to go back out myself. i'm willing to take their word for how bad it can be... and for each that does make it back, i am forever grateful.

freshstart57

This is the two faced AV right there, described perfectly, HappyHour. One face tries to to justify a drink, and the other tells you that you will never stay sober. Floating over all is the past conditioning of the taste, the buzz, the pleasure. For me it was like an old GF that made me feel miserable and hopeless, that lied and cheated, until the day came when I cut her loose for good.

This is addiction and something you can overcome, we can each of us do it. Start by believing in yourself, and that you deserve a life without the trials and agony that go along with alcohol, and that you deserve a life with your full measure of peace and joy and happiness. Recognize these ideas for what they are, and make that plan to never drink again. When you do this, a great sense of relief will wash over you, a relief that comes with the deep knowing that you are done.

You can do this! Onward!

heath480

Sorry you are struggling.For me I could easily stop drinking but I am an Alcoholic,staying stopped was my problem and it was my problem for many years.

The first drink is the one that does the damage,stay away from the first drink.

Have you got a plan? Your post reads as if you are planning your next drink.

Wishing you well.

Spinach

Hi, How's things been apart from the revolving door of sobriety. Guess you've got to weigh up the good against the bad and reckon the bad piles just going to get bigger and bigger if you go for the drinking and vice versa if you stay with the other path.
Delayed gratification really takes some handling if your an alcoholic, but it's not impossible.
Love John.

Nuway2fly

Caravagio, you're in an abusive relationship. You're letting the other party control and dominate you, which is wrecking your life and your happiness and your self-esteem. Most of us have asked many times why women stay in abusive relationships. It always seemed incomprehensible to me, until I woke up one day and realized I was in an abusive relationship.

Mine was with alcohol, too. Oh, it would talk sweet to me sometimes. Sometimes it was so gentle. I thought it was my best friend, my most loyal companion, my lover. After all, it seemed worthy of submitting my body to it. It deceived me so often, though. One glass of wine was foreplay. The second glass took me to ecstasy. The third glass was when the beatings started, and the beatings continued until I would often lose consciousness.

I made up my mind time and again to leave, but I kept getting drawn back in. I told myself that things could change. That they could go back to the way things were at first, when we seemed so happy together. I had become a person stuck in an abusive relationship.

Finally I woke up. I couldn't believe I'd fallen into this trap. I wrote this sentence in my journal, but it took a while for it to really sink in. "The sex is great, but then he always beats me afterward." Nobody can maintain self esteem in a dance with the devil like that. So I got the courage to leave.

I still feel stalked a little bit, each day since I left. It's as if I can't ever totally get away from the old whispers to "come back". But all that fear that I felt about leaving was baseless. When I decided to exert my will and end the farce, that old lover lost the power to control me. Over time I've heard that old familiar voice get fainter and fainter.

There is life after leaving a bad relationship. Start to live your own life again.



(I apologize to anyone who's actually been in abusive relationship with another human. I'm not making light of that at all. But this metaphor has done more good to help me than any other I've yet discovered.)

MrNatural

I'm not big on cliches in AA--I prefer to look at the feet and not the mouth.

But I do believe the further I get from the last market crash brings me that much closer to the next one. The book 'Alcoholics Anonymous' mentions finances in 'Bill's Story' along with the 9th Step Promises so I consider this post appropriate.

EliL

It was my pattern for years! Swear off alcohol hungover, never again! A few days later when I felt better on the drink again! Then I found out that a drink the next day made me feel better so i didn’t have to wait the 3/4 days but that’s a different story!

Anyways I would swear off the drink after a heavy night and when I relayed this to my heavy drinking friends they would laugh saying yeah we’ve all had a night like that,a night! They were referencing a few nights max in their whole drinking career. For me it was every night I had a drink, the following morning was guilt and remorse, self flagulation, the lot!. From experience that is absolutely not normal in the slightest but I didn’t know that! The obsession on stopping drinking took up much more time than the drinking and this was almost from the start of my drinking career!

So if you are drinking alcohol and you have those feelings the next morning then there is something very wrong. The two routes are to attempt to get help to try and manage those feelings in order to keep being able to drink on occasion or abstain and then get help for those feelings where you will find that alcohol was just a symptom of whatever issue you had even before you started drinking.

Hope you find a way, here is a good start

Gottalife

There's a bit of the alcoholic mind in that old saying. Based in fear and superstition. The further I get from my last drink, the better my life has got. There is no thought of drinking even in the direst of circumstances. It just doesn't occur to me to drink. That is the result of a profound spiritual experience. My reaction to life is completely different now, drinking does not come up as an option.

Bear in mind that prior to that experience, the longer I was dry on my own power, the worse life got.

I was pretty interested in parts of the big book that talked about permanent recovery, and also Ebby's words to Bill about what was required to survive the certain low spots that will be coming to all of us. They came to me, and I reacted sanely and normally, just as promised.

tomsteve

you got that right,my friend.
my first sponsor used to say that saying from time to time.buggered him up when i said,"why dont ya quit screwin around and go get drunk rather than come to meetings and say that."

the further away from my last drink,the further away i am from it.
doesnt get any simpler then that.