My ex recovering alcoholic boyfriend is unsure how he feels about me?
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My ex recovering alcoholic boyfriend is unsure how he feels about me?
Hey! I know everyone including my therapist told me to stay away from him. I did. But of course he reeled me back in and said how sorry he was and all of that.
Well he's still in the rehab. He's about to finish his 28 days soon. I noticed he has been talking to me less and has been very argumentive with me. I told him I felt insecure about the relationship. I told him I don't think we are meant to be. He kept saying he just doesn't want to be there and wants to be in a three quarter house.
Well I asked him "Jake do you really love me? Because you are not acting like someone who does. Please tell me your true feelings. Because when you are drunk you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world and you think I'm your soulmate, and everything else that is sickeningly sweet. But when. You're sober, you act sorta distant and weird. Like we're friends and you're very agitated. I shouldn't have to worry if you love me or not, and I feel like you don't." He said "I am just unsure about how I feel about us. I don't even know what to do. I'm going to a halfway house but I want to go to a three quarter house, and I'm not medicated for my bipolar good. Like they put me back on Lamictal which doesn't work. I am all over the place and need to sort things out." I said "it'd be one thing to sort those things out, but to say you are unsure of us is appalling! You should be happy and lucky you have me back after what you did to me in the relationship. You're lucky to even be talking to me and you're saying you're unsure of me? How ass backwards is that? I didn't do anything in this relationship but take care of you, loved you, emotionally supported you, financially supported you, I gave my heart and soul to you but you're unsure of me? Wow. I'm done with you for good. How dare you say you are unsure of ME? When I should be unsure of you! You cheated, lied, manipulated, and ****** with my head." He said "I do love you, it's just that we fight all the time and I need to sort things out." I said "we fight because you make it into a fight. You don't solve things, and I just wanted resolution. I still shouldn't be in the category of uncertainty if I am supposedly your soulmate and the one you're going to marry."
I am so heartbroken. I think that when he's sober he's not attracted to me. He played with my head with sickeningly sweet letters of owning up, begged for me, told my mother in front of me he's going to marry me, there's no other woman like me, nobody compares, I'm all he has, he feels like a part of him dies when I leave him, etc. Yeah I heard it all, then this con artist turns around and says to me that he's unsure of me? When I have been nothing but good to him? And he owes it to me to be sober and fix this relationship? He even said that in his own words.
I'm so heartbroken. I feel like disposable trash. I told him to never contact me again and do that to me again. I told him I'm not going to wait till he clears his head to see if he wants to be with me. There should be no question and no doubts. It should be a definite because I'm healthy, loyal, and loving and never did anything wrong to him. So I said I deserve better and to leave me alone and that he's blocked. But it doesn't change the fact that I got manipulated once again, and I fell in his trap and developed feelings again for someone who is uncertain of me. I was with him for 2 and a half years. How dare he? I'm so sick and heartbroken. Please. I need someone to give me their input because I feel like I'm about to lose it. He literally messed with my head and my support, that all was for nothing.
Well he's still in the rehab. He's about to finish his 28 days soon. I noticed he has been talking to me less and has been very argumentive with me. I told him I felt insecure about the relationship. I told him I don't think we are meant to be. He kept saying he just doesn't want to be there and wants to be in a three quarter house.
Well I asked him "Jake do you really love me? Because you are not acting like someone who does. Please tell me your true feelings. Because when you are drunk you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world and you think I'm your soulmate, and everything else that is sickeningly sweet. But when. You're sober, you act sorta distant and weird. Like we're friends and you're very agitated. I shouldn't have to worry if you love me or not, and I feel like you don't." He said "I am just unsure about how I feel about us. I don't even know what to do. I'm going to a halfway house but I want to go to a three quarter house, and I'm not medicated for my bipolar good. Like they put me back on Lamictal which doesn't work. I am all over the place and need to sort things out." I said "it'd be one thing to sort those things out, but to say you are unsure of us is appalling! You should be happy and lucky you have me back after what you did to me in the relationship. You're lucky to even be talking to me and you're saying you're unsure of me? How ass backwards is that? I didn't do anything in this relationship but take care of you, loved you, emotionally supported you, financially supported you, I gave my heart and soul to you but you're unsure of me? Wow. I'm done with you for good. How dare you say you are unsure of ME? When I should be unsure of you! You cheated, lied, manipulated, and ****** with my head." He said "I do love you, it's just that we fight all the time and I need to sort things out." I said "we fight because you make it into a fight. You don't solve things, and I just wanted resolution. I still shouldn't be in the category of uncertainty if I am supposedly your soulmate and the one you're going to marry."
I am so heartbroken. I think that when he's sober he's not attracted to me. He played with my head with sickeningly sweet letters of owning up, begged for me, told my mother in front of me he's going to marry me, there's no other woman like me, nobody compares, I'm all he has, he feels like a part of him dies when I leave him, etc. Yeah I heard it all, then this con artist turns around and says to me that he's unsure of me? When I have been nothing but good to him? And he owes it to me to be sober and fix this relationship? He even said that in his own words.
I'm so heartbroken. I feel like disposable trash. I told him to never contact me again and do that to me again. I told him I'm not going to wait till he clears his head to see if he wants to be with me. There should be no question and no doubts. It should be a definite because I'm healthy, loyal, and loving and never did anything wrong to him. So I said I deserve better and to leave me alone and that he's blocked. But it doesn't change the fact that I got manipulated once again, and I fell in his trap and developed feelings again for someone who is uncertain of me. I was with him for 2 and a half years. How dare he? I'm so sick and heartbroken. Please. I need someone to give me their input because I feel like I'm about to lose it. He literally messed with my head and my support, that all was for nothing.
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Honestly, Brunette, I think his mixed-up feelings have literally nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fact that he is an addict who is trying to recover. His head is eighty-seven ways from Sunday right now, and will be for awhile.
He simply is not any better relationship material in early recovery than he was in active addiction.
He may have messed with your head, but it's on you now to stop opening the door to let him in to do so.
He simply is not any better relationship material in early recovery than he was in active addiction.
He may have messed with your head, but it's on you now to stop opening the door to let him in to do so.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Honestly, Brunette, I think his mixed-up feelings have literally nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fact that he is an addict who is trying to recover. His head is eighty-seven ways from Sunday right now, and will be for awhile.
He simply is not any better relationship material in early recovery than he was in active addiction.
He may have messed with your head, but it's on you now to stop opening the door to let him in to do so.
He simply is not any better relationship material in early recovery than he was in active addiction.
He may have messed with your head, but it's on you now to stop opening the door to let him in to do so.
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Hes all over the place because he's spent the last X many years, months, weeks using alcohol to numb all the uncomfortable feelings people experience in the course of every day life. Now his coping mechanism is gone and all he's left with is all these overwhelming feelings, for the first time, and he has no clue WTF to do with them. You are, and have been, collateral damage to the chaos that addiction brings. It's not a great club to be a member of, but the good news is there are a ton of people right here who understand.
You're not wrong. The way he has treated you is far less than you or any other human being deserves. But that is all he's capable of right now. Even if he is one of the few who truly embrace recovery and sobriety it will still be a very, very, very long time before he can untangle the knot of disasters that his addiction has left in its wake, before he can ever, maybe possibly be the supportive and attentive partner you deserve.
You're not wrong. The way he has treated you is far less than you or any other human being deserves. But that is all he's capable of right now. Even if he is one of the few who truly embrace recovery and sobriety it will still be a very, very, very long time before he can untangle the knot of disasters that his addiction has left in its wake, before he can ever, maybe possibly be the supportive and attentive partner you deserve.
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Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe05
See, I take it personally because I was above and beyond a good girlfriend to him.
I was a great girlfriend and then fiancee and then wife to my alcoholic. I took care of him, I was good to him, I was faithful and loving to his family and everything you could ask for. It didn't matter. He chose alcohol over me every time anyway. He chose himself over me always.
The only way for you to feel better is to change yourself and stop expecting anything from a man who does not have the ability to meet your expectations.
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Originally Posted by glenl
I don't say this to be harsh, just honest - this doesn't matter.
I was a great girlfriend and then fiancee and then wife to my alcoholic. I took care of him, I was good to him, I was faithful and loving to his family and everything you could ask for. It didn't matter. He chose alcohol over me every time anyway. He chose himself over me always.
The only way for you to feel better is to change yourself and stop expecting anything from a man who does not have the ability to meet your expectations.
I was a great girlfriend and then fiancee and then wife to my alcoholic. I took care of him, I was good to him, I was faithful and loving to his family and everything you could ask for. It didn't matter. He chose alcohol over me every time anyway. He chose himself over me always.
The only way for you to feel better is to change yourself and stop expecting anything from a man who does not have the ability to meet your expectations.
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30 days into recovery, i wasnt even sure how i felt about myself.
But it doesn't change the fact that I got manipulated once again, and I fell in his trap and developed feelings again for someone who is uncertain of me.
one thing that is a straight up bitch is accepting accountability and responsibility for what happens to me.
no one manipulates me unless i allow it to happen.
i fall into no ones trap unless i allow it to happen.
accepting responsibility and accountability for myself and what happens to me sure changed my life.
But it doesn't change the fact that I got manipulated once again, and I fell in his trap and developed feelings again for someone who is uncertain of me.
one thing that is a straight up bitch is accepting accountability and responsibility for what happens to me.
no one manipulates me unless i allow it to happen.
i fall into no ones trap unless i allow it to happen.
accepting responsibility and accountability for myself and what happens to me sure changed my life.
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Exactly
Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe05
You should be happy and lucky you have me back after what you did to me in the relationship. You're lucky to even be talking to me and you're saying you're unsure of me? How ass backwards is that? I didn't do anything in this relationship but take care of you, loved you, emotionally supported you, financially supported you, I gave my heart and soul to you but you're unsure of me? Wow. I'm done with you for good. How dare you say you are unsure of ME? When I should be unsure of you! You cheated, lied, manipulated
I am so heartbroken.
I told him to never contact me again and do that to me again. .
I am so heartbroken.
I told him to never contact me again and do that to me again. .
I literally just had the same conversation with my EAB yesterday!
He is also in treatment and we were together for 2 years.
I felt the same exact way you did hearing his truth .
IT HURT LIKE HELL.
Last month when he first went in and around the holidays I also felt suicidal and spent a lot of December in bed. I wanted him to acknowledge me and how bad I was hurting, he did not.
He can't seem to see beyond himself.
Don't look at is a con artist or him messing with your head, they are all over the place at this stage of their recovery/disease as other people have explained here.
This is what happens, it is VERY HARD to accept. Fighting with them does not help them stay sober or help us either. It sounds like yours explained things better then mine but I took it so personally I had trouble really listening to what he was saying.
I had expectations, VERY UNREALISTIC expectations. I wanted apologies too, amends. However amends don't come until Step 9 if they even get that far.
I am detaching, today is a good day but yesterday was not.
Don't feel played, that's not what this is about, the disease takes everyone hostage and everyone gets hurt.
His love for you could be very real, he is just not well enough and I know for me even with a steady foot in al anon I became very sick too.
All we can do is work on ourselves and try not to make things worse by fighting with them, that has been the challenge for me.
Hugs
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Hes all over the place because he's spent the last X many years, months, weeks using alcohol to numb all the uncomfortable feelings people experience in the course of every day life. Now his coping mechanism is gone and all he's left with is all these overwhelming feelings, for the first time, and he has no clue WTF to do with them. You are, and have been, collateral damage to the chaos that addiction brings. It's not a great club to be a member of, but the good news is there are a ton of people right here who understand.
You're not wrong. The way he has treated you is far less than you or any other human being deserves. But that is all he's capable of right now. Even if he is one of the few who truly embrace recovery and sobriety it will still be a very, very, very long time before he can untangle the knot of disasters that his addiction has left in its wake, before he can ever, maybe possibly be the supportive and attentive partner you deserve.
You're not wrong. The way he has treated you is far less than you or any other human being deserves. But that is all he's capable of right now. Even if he is one of the few who truly embrace recovery and sobriety it will still be a very, very, very long time before he can untangle the knot of disasters that his addiction has left in its wake, before he can ever, maybe possibly be the supportive and attentive partner you deserve.
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Originally Posted by glenl
I don't say this to be harsh, just honest - this doesn't matter.
I was a great girlfriend and then fiancee and then wife to my alcoholic. I took care of him, I was good to him, I was faithful and loving to his family and everything you could ask for. It didn't matter. He chose alcohol over me every time anyway. He chose himself over me always.
The only way for you to feel better is to change yourself and stop expecting anything from a man who does not have the ability to meet your expectations.
I was a great girlfriend and then fiancee and then wife to my alcoholic. I took care of him, I was good to him, I was faithful and loving to his family and everything you could ask for. It didn't matter. He chose alcohol over me every time anyway. He chose himself over me always.
The only way for you to feel better is to change yourself and stop expecting anything from a man who does not have the ability to meet your expectations.
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He was being honest with you by saying he wasn't sure about you. You turned it into a fight. My advice to you based on my own rehabilitating ex is leave him alone. Like others have said he has no headspace for you and judging by your reactions to him you've not listened to one thing said to you since you've been on this forum or learnt anything. I learnt I needed to work on myself and not worry what my ex was doing, seeing , thinking or feeling.
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Originally Posted by kayleezen
Hi BrunetteBabe,
I literally just had the same conversation with my EAB yesterday!
He is also in treatment and we were together for 2 years.
I felt the same exact way you did hearing his truth .
IT HURT LIKE HELL.
Last month when he first went in and around the holidays I also felt suicidal and spent a lot of December in bed. I wanted him to acknowledge me and how bad I was hurting, he did not.
He can't seem to see beyond himself.
Don't look at is a con artist or him messing with your head, they are all over the place at this stage of their recovery/disease as other people have explained here.
This is what happens, it is VERY HARD to accept. Fighting with them does not help them stay sober or help us either. It sounds like yours explained things better then mine but I took it so personally I had trouble really listening to what he was saying.
I had expectations, VERY UNREALISTIC expectations. I wanted apologies too, amends. However amends don't come until Step 9 if they even get that far.
I am detaching, today is a good day but yesterday was not.
Don't feel played, that's not what this is about, the disease takes everyone hostage and everyone gets hurt.
His love for you could be very real, he is just not well enough and I know for me even with a steady foot in al anon I became very sick too.
All we can do is work on ourselves and try not to make things worse by fighting with them, that has been the challenge for me.
Hugs
I literally just had the same conversation with my EAB yesterday!
He is also in treatment and we were together for 2 years.
I felt the same exact way you did hearing his truth .
IT HURT LIKE HELL.
Last month when he first went in and around the holidays I also felt suicidal and spent a lot of December in bed. I wanted him to acknowledge me and how bad I was hurting, he did not.
He can't seem to see beyond himself.
Don't look at is a con artist or him messing with your head, they are all over the place at this stage of their recovery/disease as other people have explained here.
This is what happens, it is VERY HARD to accept. Fighting with them does not help them stay sober or help us either. It sounds like yours explained things better then mine but I took it so personally I had trouble really listening to what he was saying.
I had expectations, VERY UNREALISTIC expectations. I wanted apologies too, amends. However amends don't come until Step 9 if they even get that far.
I am detaching, today is a good day but yesterday was not.
Don't feel played, that's not what this is about, the disease takes everyone hostage and everyone gets hurt.
His love for you could be very real, he is just not well enough and I know for me even with a steady foot in al anon I became very sick too.
All we can do is work on ourselves and try not to make things worse by fighting with them, that has been the challenge for me.
Hugs
Thank you for your input, it just really hurts and I can't deal with it. As you knew what it felt like. I understand that he is a mess right now, I just thought he wouldn't be a mess about me. I'm gonna try to work on myself. Thank you for the support and again I am sorry for everything you've endured. Xoxo. You have my support as well.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
He was being honest with you by saying he wasn't sure about you. You turned it into a fight. My advice to you based on my own rehabilitating ex is leave him alone. Like others have said he has no headspace for you and judging by your reactions to him you've not listened to one thing said to you since you've been on this forum or learnt anything. I learnt I needed to work on myself and not worry what my ex was doing, seeing , thinking or feeling.
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BrunetteBabe.....you are expecting him to behave like a healthy, stable, normal, non-addicted person. Mature...dependable....self aware....good insight....
But, that is just not the reality.
Years of drinking...not to mention the bi-polar and any other baggage he might have brought from his early life...have rendered not capable of being able to cope with the responsibilities of a relationship...like you expect....Even if he wants to...evidence shows that he can't.
If you could look inside his head...you would see a war goin on in there...or a cyclone of confusion. It takes about 6 months for the brain chemistry to BEGIN to level out....and the next 1-2-3yrs. to have some lasting change in his thinking patterns, his attitude, and his behaviors.....that is, if he grabs on to the program and lives it faithfully....
For you...this is equally disruptive to what you had planned...to the fantasy of what life was going to be, with him. That is understandable, I think...because I don't think you had any idea of what this disease(s) entail.
And, the sweet words---Oh, My! that is like the most intoxicating emotional drug that a girl who has selected "the one" can hear. Mankind has not invented a drug that is as powerful as that.
But, it is one thing to say words---it is another thing, entirely, to DO...to put those words into action. Even if the person thought they meant them at the time that they said them.
You are, now, faced with grieving....because we always grieve the loss of something or someone that we have invested ourselves, into. I think that it is absolutely critical that you understand that, now....That you must go through the grieving process. It will take several weeks to several months....depending on how long you need to grieve...and, how much you work on yourself.....
Grieving sucks....it is very painful, especially in the beginning...That is what the non-stop crying is all about. And, that is o.k. Even necessary....
You will be going through the short-term pain...for your Long-term gain....
I suggest that you back away and allow him and yourself to begin to heal.....
There is nothing else that you can do....
But, that is just not the reality.
Years of drinking...not to mention the bi-polar and any other baggage he might have brought from his early life...have rendered not capable of being able to cope with the responsibilities of a relationship...like you expect....Even if he wants to...evidence shows that he can't.
If you could look inside his head...you would see a war goin on in there...or a cyclone of confusion. It takes about 6 months for the brain chemistry to BEGIN to level out....and the next 1-2-3yrs. to have some lasting change in his thinking patterns, his attitude, and his behaviors.....that is, if he grabs on to the program and lives it faithfully....
For you...this is equally disruptive to what you had planned...to the fantasy of what life was going to be, with him. That is understandable, I think...because I don't think you had any idea of what this disease(s) entail.
And, the sweet words---Oh, My! that is like the most intoxicating emotional drug that a girl who has selected "the one" can hear. Mankind has not invented a drug that is as powerful as that.
But, it is one thing to say words---it is another thing, entirely, to DO...to put those words into action. Even if the person thought they meant them at the time that they said them.
You are, now, faced with grieving....because we always grieve the loss of something or someone that we have invested ourselves, into. I think that it is absolutely critical that you understand that, now....That you must go through the grieving process. It will take several weeks to several months....depending on how long you need to grieve...and, how much you work on yourself.....
Grieving sucks....it is very painful, especially in the beginning...That is what the non-stop crying is all about. And, that is o.k. Even necessary....
You will be going through the short-term pain...for your Long-term gain....
I suggest that you back away and allow him and yourself to begin to heal.....
There is nothing else that you can do....
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Let me just say I really appreciate you all and have so much love, support and hugs for you all. I'm trying to work on myself but he really messed with my head that I don't even want to live anymore for allowing myself to be subjected to his manipulative crap. He conned me.
He also even said to me (which I forgot to add) that he said "whether if it's with you or another woman I'm getting healthy for myself." I said "if I was so special there would be no other woman. You would only want me." He said a day later "OMG Olivia you're looking into it. I didn't mean it that way." Then he went onto say a guy that is in his 50's in there said "if you get healthy man then healthy people will be more attracted to you and you'll be around like minded people. I met my wife when I was clean and healthy. She makes more.money than me and has a lot going for, so I don't know what she sees in me because my job isn't that great, but she said she loves me for me. So I am back in here because I don't want to lose because I relapsed on alcohol after being 11 years sober. She's a very healthy minded good woman." I said "so, are you trying to be healthy in hopes you'll get that or something?" He said "no I'm just telling you what he is saying about attracting healthy minded people when you're healthy."
I even asked him a today when all this crap happened that if he is just getting healthy and sober for a future woman, and you think you'll attract healthier women. He said "not necessarily." I said "you should be getting healthy for yourself and also me because you even said you owe it to me." He said "I do." But see the head games? What does "not necessarily" mean? It should just be a flat out "NO" if he cared about me. I think he just wants to be single and even though I'm not an active user and I'm not a drug addict, I think he thinks he'll attract healthy high class women if he's healthy, so he doesn't care to have me in his life. Which is even more hurtful because I deserve to endure that healthy minded Jake because he tormented my life for 2 and a half years, but just some random woman will endure the good Jake? Like she'll get the benefits, but I won't for serving my hard time with him? After he cheated on me, destroyed my self image, and everything? Abused me horrible mentally. But yet some random woman will get the benefits, the nice Jake but I won't? That made me so mad. He just doesn't love me, and conned me. So now I can't stop crying. I'm so damn hurt. I'm a very bubbly girl who helped him, and loved him. Did EVERYTHING for him, and he doesn't care to lose that? He even told me I wasn't irreplaceable, but yet he's making it seem like I am by saying "whether it's with you or another woman". Of course he back tracked on his comment and said he didn't mean it, but he keeps flip flopping and it hurts so bad that I want to take my own life. Sick of everyone not genuinely loving me when I give everyone my genuine love.
He also even said to me (which I forgot to add) that he said "whether if it's with you or another woman I'm getting healthy for myself." I said "if I was so special there would be no other woman. You would only want me." He said a day later "OMG Olivia you're looking into it. I didn't mean it that way." Then he went onto say a guy that is in his 50's in there said "if you get healthy man then healthy people will be more attracted to you and you'll be around like minded people. I met my wife when I was clean and healthy. She makes more.money than me and has a lot going for, so I don't know what she sees in me because my job isn't that great, but she said she loves me for me. So I am back in here because I don't want to lose because I relapsed on alcohol after being 11 years sober. She's a very healthy minded good woman." I said "so, are you trying to be healthy in hopes you'll get that or something?" He said "no I'm just telling you what he is saying about attracting healthy minded people when you're healthy."
I even asked him a today when all this crap happened that if he is just getting healthy and sober for a future woman, and you think you'll attract healthier women. He said "not necessarily." I said "you should be getting healthy for yourself and also me because you even said you owe it to me." He said "I do." But see the head games? What does "not necessarily" mean? It should just be a flat out "NO" if he cared about me. I think he just wants to be single and even though I'm not an active user and I'm not a drug addict, I think he thinks he'll attract healthy high class women if he's healthy, so he doesn't care to have me in his life. Which is even more hurtful because I deserve to endure that healthy minded Jake because he tormented my life for 2 and a half years, but just some random woman will endure the good Jake? Like she'll get the benefits, but I won't for serving my hard time with him? After he cheated on me, destroyed my self image, and everything? Abused me horrible mentally. But yet some random woman will get the benefits, the nice Jake but I won't? That made me so mad. He just doesn't love me, and conned me. So now I can't stop crying. I'm so damn hurt. I'm a very bubbly girl who helped him, and loved him. Did EVERYTHING for him, and he doesn't care to lose that? He even told me I wasn't irreplaceable, but yet he's making it seem like I am by saying "whether it's with you or another woman". Of course he back tracked on his comment and said he didn't mean it, but he keeps flip flopping and it hurts so bad that I want to take my own life. Sick of everyone not genuinely loving me when I give everyone my genuine love.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
BrunetteBabe.....you are expecting him to behave like a healthy, stable, normal, non-addicted person. Mature...dependable....self aware....good insight....
But, that is just not the reality.
Years of drinking...not to mention the bi-polar and any other baggage he might have brought from his early life...have rendered not capable of being able to cope with the responsibilities of a relationship...like you expect....Even if he wants to...evidence shows that he can't.
If you could look inside his head...you would see a war goin on in there...or a cyclone of confusion. It takes about 6 months for the brain chemistry to BEGIN to level out....and the next 1-2-3yrs. to have some lasting change in his thinking patterns, his attitude, and his behaviors.....that is, if he grabs on to the program and lives it faithfully....
For you...this is equally disruptive to what you had planned...to the fantasy of what life was going to be, with him. That is understandable, I think...because I don't think you had any idea of what this disease(s) entail.
And, the sweet words---Oh, My! that is like the most intoxicating emotional drug that a girl who has selected "the one" can hear. Mankind has not invented a drug that is as powerful as that.
But, it is one thing to say words---it is another thing, entirely, to DO...to put those words into action. Even if the person thought they meant them at the time that they said them.
You are, now, faced with grieving....because we always grieve the loss of something or someone that we have invested ourselves, into. I think that it is absolutely critical that you understand that, now....That you must go through the grieving process. It will take several weeks to several months....depending on how long you need to grieve...and, how much you work on yourself.....
Grieving sucks....it is very painful, especially in the beginning...That is what the non-stop crying is all about. And, that is o.k. Even necessary....
You will be going through the short-term pain...for your Long-term gain....
I suggest that you back away and allow him and yourself to begin to heal.....
There is nothing else that you can do....
But, that is just not the reality.
Years of drinking...not to mention the bi-polar and any other baggage he might have brought from his early life...have rendered not capable of being able to cope with the responsibilities of a relationship...like you expect....Even if he wants to...evidence shows that he can't.
If you could look inside his head...you would see a war goin on in there...or a cyclone of confusion. It takes about 6 months for the brain chemistry to BEGIN to level out....and the next 1-2-3yrs. to have some lasting change in his thinking patterns, his attitude, and his behaviors.....that is, if he grabs on to the program and lives it faithfully....
For you...this is equally disruptive to what you had planned...to the fantasy of what life was going to be, with him. That is understandable, I think...because I don't think you had any idea of what this disease(s) entail.
And, the sweet words---Oh, My! that is like the most intoxicating emotional drug that a girl who has selected "the one" can hear. Mankind has not invented a drug that is as powerful as that.
But, it is one thing to say words---it is another thing, entirely, to DO...to put those words into action. Even if the person thought they meant them at the time that they said them.
You are, now, faced with grieving....because we always grieve the loss of something or someone that we have invested ourselves, into. I think that it is absolutely critical that you understand that, now....That you must go through the grieving process. It will take several weeks to several months....depending on how long you need to grieve...and, how much you work on yourself.....
Grieving sucks....it is very painful, especially in the beginning...That is what the non-stop crying is all about. And, that is o.k. Even necessary....
You will be going through the short-term pain...for your Long-term gain....
I suggest that you back away and allow him and yourself to begin to heal.....
There is nothing else that you can do....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he isn't getting sober FOR YOU. what he said was it doesn't matter if he is with you OR anyone else or no one else, he is getting sober for HIM.
you are not the center of his universe....
nor should he be the center of YOUR universe.
this is not him about demonstrating his undying love for you. real life doesn't work that way. you are blowing this WAY out of proportion.
he's not that great of a boyfriend. he won't be the boyfriend YOU need him to be. EVER. you want someone who thinks the sun rises at your command. makes it all about you.
relationships are about two people, who give to each other.....but remain individuals....with thoughts and plans and goals. they do not feed off each other like they are oxygen tanks. they are independent. they do not play games.
he showed you who he is. believe it. allow it. accept it.
you are not the center of his universe....
nor should he be the center of YOUR universe.
this is not him about demonstrating his undying love for you. real life doesn't work that way. you are blowing this WAY out of proportion.
he's not that great of a boyfriend. he won't be the boyfriend YOU need him to be. EVER. you want someone who thinks the sun rises at your command. makes it all about you.
relationships are about two people, who give to each other.....but remain individuals....with thoughts and plans and goals. they do not feed off each other like they are oxygen tanks. they are independent. they do not play games.
he showed you who he is. believe it. allow it. accept it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
BrunetteBabe.....I know how emotionally vulnerable you are, right now. Please, find someone....a face to face person to talk to and be with. You need other humans, right now. Even if they will just sit and listen and let you cry.....
One time, after a break-up of an almost 4yr. relationship...I was a hot mess...probably worse than you...lol....At times, I didn't even feel like I could breathe.....I was stunned at the amount of pain....
One year later, I was with the most loving person of my whole life.....
But, the first six months after the breakup was a trip through an inferno of raw feelings. I can still remember it.....
You are going to be o.k....I promise. Just get yourself some living person support.....And, keep reading and keep posting!!
One time, after a break-up of an almost 4yr. relationship...I was a hot mess...probably worse than you...lol....At times, I didn't even feel like I could breathe.....I was stunned at the amount of pain....
One year later, I was with the most loving person of my whole life.....
But, the first six months after the breakup was a trip through an inferno of raw feelings. I can still remember it.....
You are going to be o.k....I promise. Just get yourself some living person support.....And, keep reading and keep posting!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
He needs to get sober for himself, first and foremost. If he is in rehab attempting to get sober for someone else, chances are it will not stick.
Agree with all of the advice on here. Get away and stay away from him and his recovery.
You want him to make amends and feel bad for all of the things you did for him, but the harsh reality is that that time will probably never come or will not come any time soon.
You said you don’t deserve this and you are absolutely correct, so stop allowing it. After all every time you engage with him you are left with nothing more than when you started.
If you are truly feeling suicidal, please call the suicide hotline 18002738255. I hope it’s allowed to put that information here.
Please see that you have value beyond all of this BS. Because you are valuable, and no one deserves this, and you can move away from this. That is YOUR choice and doesn’t have anything to do with him.
The situation sounds extremely unhealthy for you and once you can see past the pain then you will realize that YOU really do not want to keep pursuing this relationship.
Grieve the loss of the relationship and yes it is heart wrenching and oh SO painful! But necessary. By continually going back for more and fishing for the answers you want from him that you will never get, you keep prolonging the grieving process.
Again, there is nothing for you to grab onto in this relationship, so let go of it.
His recovery has nothing to do with you.
He probably doesn’t even recall a lot of the time when he was actively using.
Let go and let yourself move through the grieving process. And again it is painful but you need to allow yourself to go through it.
Peace and hugs to you! I have been through the days of non stop tears and pain and feeling like my heart was being literally ripped from my body. And I feel for you! Believe me, once you start to see the light through the pain it gets better, you are not allowing YOURSELF to get better by continually engaging with him and waiting for him to tell you what you want to hear.
Agree with all of the advice on here. Get away and stay away from him and his recovery.
You want him to make amends and feel bad for all of the things you did for him, but the harsh reality is that that time will probably never come or will not come any time soon.
You said you don’t deserve this and you are absolutely correct, so stop allowing it. After all every time you engage with him you are left with nothing more than when you started.
If you are truly feeling suicidal, please call the suicide hotline 18002738255. I hope it’s allowed to put that information here.
Please see that you have value beyond all of this BS. Because you are valuable, and no one deserves this, and you can move away from this. That is YOUR choice and doesn’t have anything to do with him.
The situation sounds extremely unhealthy for you and once you can see past the pain then you will realize that YOU really do not want to keep pursuing this relationship.
Grieve the loss of the relationship and yes it is heart wrenching and oh SO painful! But necessary. By continually going back for more and fishing for the answers you want from him that you will never get, you keep prolonging the grieving process.
Again, there is nothing for you to grab onto in this relationship, so let go of it.
His recovery has nothing to do with you.
He probably doesn’t even recall a lot of the time when he was actively using.
Let go and let yourself move through the grieving process. And again it is painful but you need to allow yourself to go through it.
Peace and hugs to you! I have been through the days of non stop tears and pain and feeling like my heart was being literally ripped from my body. And I feel for you! Believe me, once you start to see the light through the pain it gets better, you are not allowing YOURSELF to get better by continually engaging with him and waiting for him to tell you what you want to hear.
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