Today is a hard day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
Today is a hard day
So, I have posted before that my husband went to rehab far away back in September. I went out there when he had finished the program and we spent a long weekend doing bucket list things, which was frankly amazing. Came back right at the very end of November and things have been mostly okay.
He goes to meetings regularly. I go to Al-Anon once a week although sometimes I'm still not sure about those shenanigans. I also go to a therapist (going today thank the Lord).
He also is on a program to receive the Vivitrol shot every 28 days. He dropped the ball on finding a physician to give him the next injection in December, but that was actually okay for a while because he had a backup prescription for the pill form, which he took. Well, he did make arrangements to get the Vivitrol shot again, and I know this because it's currently in our refrigerator. Now he has to make arrangements with his current PCP, who he is trying to replace with a "doc in recovery", to receive the shot.
I have learned that my place in this is not all up in it, and I have been mostly successful with that. However, I know it will be some time before he thinks completely straight and is back to his more normal self because of what addiction does to people's brains, so when I saw him dithering about "finding a doctor in recovery" rather than "finding someone to administer the vivitrol shot and refill the other meds," I looked them up myself and handed him a post-it with a Vivitrol-friendly doc several weeks ago. He ignored the post-it and now has run out of naltrexone and the Vivitrol shot is so close, yet so far away in the fridge. On the "win" side of things, I did manage not to nag him about finding a doc. As a result, he is doing this crazy convoluted thing where now there's a $1000 shot in the fridge where it is doing him no good at all. But at least he managed to do that, so yay.
Yesterday he came home early from work and pretty much went straight to bed, saying that he had not been sleeping well and did not feel well and was super tired. Well, we all know what that sounds like. However, I actually think he really is legit sick because I can tell he has a fever. But apparently it is affecting his mind because he asked what day our anniversary is this morning when he was trying to get logged in to his work computer (he works from home several days a week). I realized later that the reason he asked that was because he was trying to think of a new password and wanted to use our anniversary, which made that only slightly less alarming. Also, his boss actually called the house because he had not signed in and it was 20 minutes past the latest time they are supposed to sign in. This is extremely unusual. He was awake and sitting there but just not doing it. I handed the phone over and let him deal with it.
Anyway, so I do believe he is legit sick. He keeps blowing his nose and sounds congested and he is feverish.
I do not keep tabs on him and I am mostly successful with all of that.
But this was just alarming and I am really pissed that he allowed his naltrexone RX to run out like this. I also told him earlier that this looks EXACTLY like what it would look like if he had relapsed and that this is just not acceptable to me. I told him that the communication has started to take a turn in the wrong direction and that if he is starting to be secretive and dishonest again, that was a very bad sign.
I suppose this is how I know that the therapy graduation proposed by my therapist at our last session is a little premature. I actually do not think there has been a relapse, but this is just so so hard. It's also hard to know where the line is between what is a healthy marriage relationship between life partners (we have been married literally dozens of years) and what is me being codependent/whatever-the-opposite-of-enabling-is-because-for-sure-I'm-not-doing-that.
All of this has shown me that I need to keep to my plan to finish the rest of my degree (I am in grad school) and make myself completely financially independent. That makes me so sad but I know it will be much better for me in the long run if I don't need to worry about his contribution to our financial situation.
I don't even know why I'm posting this.
He goes to meetings regularly. I go to Al-Anon once a week although sometimes I'm still not sure about those shenanigans. I also go to a therapist (going today thank the Lord).
He also is on a program to receive the Vivitrol shot every 28 days. He dropped the ball on finding a physician to give him the next injection in December, but that was actually okay for a while because he had a backup prescription for the pill form, which he took. Well, he did make arrangements to get the Vivitrol shot again, and I know this because it's currently in our refrigerator. Now he has to make arrangements with his current PCP, who he is trying to replace with a "doc in recovery", to receive the shot.
I have learned that my place in this is not all up in it, and I have been mostly successful with that. However, I know it will be some time before he thinks completely straight and is back to his more normal self because of what addiction does to people's brains, so when I saw him dithering about "finding a doctor in recovery" rather than "finding someone to administer the vivitrol shot and refill the other meds," I looked them up myself and handed him a post-it with a Vivitrol-friendly doc several weeks ago. He ignored the post-it and now has run out of naltrexone and the Vivitrol shot is so close, yet so far away in the fridge. On the "win" side of things, I did manage not to nag him about finding a doc. As a result, he is doing this crazy convoluted thing where now there's a $1000 shot in the fridge where it is doing him no good at all. But at least he managed to do that, so yay.
Yesterday he came home early from work and pretty much went straight to bed, saying that he had not been sleeping well and did not feel well and was super tired. Well, we all know what that sounds like. However, I actually think he really is legit sick because I can tell he has a fever. But apparently it is affecting his mind because he asked what day our anniversary is this morning when he was trying to get logged in to his work computer (he works from home several days a week). I realized later that the reason he asked that was because he was trying to think of a new password and wanted to use our anniversary, which made that only slightly less alarming. Also, his boss actually called the house because he had not signed in and it was 20 minutes past the latest time they are supposed to sign in. This is extremely unusual. He was awake and sitting there but just not doing it. I handed the phone over and let him deal with it.
Anyway, so I do believe he is legit sick. He keeps blowing his nose and sounds congested and he is feverish.
I do not keep tabs on him and I am mostly successful with all of that.
But this was just alarming and I am really pissed that he allowed his naltrexone RX to run out like this. I also told him earlier that this looks EXACTLY like what it would look like if he had relapsed and that this is just not acceptable to me. I told him that the communication has started to take a turn in the wrong direction and that if he is starting to be secretive and dishonest again, that was a very bad sign.
I suppose this is how I know that the therapy graduation proposed by my therapist at our last session is a little premature. I actually do not think there has been a relapse, but this is just so so hard. It's also hard to know where the line is between what is a healthy marriage relationship between life partners (we have been married literally dozens of years) and what is me being codependent/whatever-the-opposite-of-enabling-is-because-for-sure-I'm-not-doing-that.
All of this has shown me that I need to keep to my plan to finish the rest of my degree (I am in grad school) and make myself completely financially independent. That makes me so sad but I know it will be much better for me in the long run if I don't need to worry about his contribution to our financial situation.
I don't even know why I'm posting this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
You posted because you needed to. And that’s a good thing.
Sorry you are going through this.
I know it is so hard. I too am working on my degree and have no plans to remain in this chaos - my AH is in recovery and I have been trying hard to mind my side and keep my nose out of his recovery and think I am doing pretty good.
My problem is working on my own recovery of co dependence. I tend to make myself crazy and need to stop doing that...
hugs to you!
Sorry you are going through this.
I know it is so hard. I too am working on my degree and have no plans to remain in this chaos - my AH is in recovery and I have been trying hard to mind my side and keep my nose out of his recovery and think I am doing pretty good.
My problem is working on my own recovery of co dependence. I tend to make myself crazy and need to stop doing that...
hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Boy, it is so hard not to project and catatrophize from another’s behavior.
Often I go to my mother’s house and it’s clear my sib is toasted.
Other days I go over and he is relatively lucid.
I try to take each day as it comes, but it’s difficult.
Hang in there, NotAPeach.
Often I go to my mother’s house and it’s clear my sib is toasted.
Other days I go over and he is relatively lucid.
I try to take each day as it comes, but it’s difficult.
Hang in there, NotAPeach.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It takes a good deal of practice to let go of an alcoholic and his/her disease, plus let them find recovery their own way, if they ever do. For me it was two steps forward, one step back. You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I'm glad you were able to come here and vent a bit about your frustrations. We all need an outlet now and then.
I am no longer married to my qualifier but I certainly remember how upsetting it was to me when he wasn't behaving the way I wanted him to. I remember the financial insecurity I felt because of his poor decisions. It was frightening. The struggle is real.
Codependence is a B-word... but it sounds like you are working hard towards overcoming that aspect of your life. Focusing on your education is so important right now. You are going to feel so empowered when you finish that degree.
I know it feels defeating sometimes, but you are doing a great job of moving your life forward in a positive way.
*hugs*
I am no longer married to my qualifier but I certainly remember how upsetting it was to me when he wasn't behaving the way I wanted him to. I remember the financial insecurity I felt because of his poor decisions. It was frightening. The struggle is real.
Codependence is a B-word... but it sounds like you are working hard towards overcoming that aspect of your life. Focusing on your education is so important right now. You are going to feel so empowered when you finish that degree.
I know it feels defeating sometimes, but you are doing a great job of moving your life forward in a positive way.
*hugs*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
Thanks, guys. I am doing a little better today. My therapist told me all the stuff I did was OK. She said what would not have been good would have been if he had asked me to speak to his boss or call him and cover for him and if I had done it, that sort of thing. We decided to reevaluate my graduation from therapy at the six-month mark, which will be in April sometime.
This morning I cleaned up the house including the bathroom that I use the most, the microwave, which was pretty nasty, the fridge, the dishes, trash, and I mopped the floor. These were all things *I* wanted done. He is still a bit under the weather and keeps apologizing for not helping but it's actually OK. I wanted to do it. My son-in-law, whom I love and who is like me in a lot of ways, flew into town on Thursday and stayed the night, so I also cleaned up my lair upstairs, which includes a guest suite but also my hoard (crafty hobby stuff). It's ever so much nicer dwelling up here on this snowy weird Saturday afternoon with things cleaned up.
We have dinner plans later with family I enjoy, so I think I am going to settle in for an afternoon of reading for school since things are tidied up and there's nothing else pressing (for me) around here. My son-in-law comes back to hang out tomorrow so we will do that for a few hours and the rest of the weekend will be about relaxing and school work, possibly working on my hobby stuff.
Thanks for asking! And thanks for being so nice and supportive. It really helped.
This morning I cleaned up the house including the bathroom that I use the most, the microwave, which was pretty nasty, the fridge, the dishes, trash, and I mopped the floor. These were all things *I* wanted done. He is still a bit under the weather and keeps apologizing for not helping but it's actually OK. I wanted to do it. My son-in-law, whom I love and who is like me in a lot of ways, flew into town on Thursday and stayed the night, so I also cleaned up my lair upstairs, which includes a guest suite but also my hoard (crafty hobby stuff). It's ever so much nicer dwelling up here on this snowy weird Saturday afternoon with things cleaned up.
We have dinner plans later with family I enjoy, so I think I am going to settle in for an afternoon of reading for school since things are tidied up and there's nothing else pressing (for me) around here. My son-in-law comes back to hang out tomorrow so we will do that for a few hours and the rest of the weekend will be about relaxing and school work, possibly working on my hobby stuff.
Thanks for asking! And thanks for being so nice and supportive. It really helped.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
NAP,
Yes, you are working your program of minding your side of the street. We need to treat our addicts with dignity and respect. He knows what he needs to do as hard as that is for us to understand. The "old" us would have nagged to death of what he needs, not anymore.
They say here, relapses are usually calculated, its not out of the blue. Maybe you can ask him to join you at an open aa meeting, saying you are going would you like to join. Him not doing the shot and running out of pills, not finding a dr, could be considered, calculated. You never know what is going on in an addicts head.
Keep working on school and making a future for you. Thats all you are in control of today. Hugs!!
Yes, you are working your program of minding your side of the street. We need to treat our addicts with dignity and respect. He knows what he needs to do as hard as that is for us to understand. The "old" us would have nagged to death of what he needs, not anymore.
They say here, relapses are usually calculated, its not out of the blue. Maybe you can ask him to join you at an open aa meeting, saying you are going would you like to join. Him not doing the shot and running out of pills, not finding a dr, could be considered, calculated. You never know what is going on in an addicts head.
Keep working on school and making a future for you. Thats all you are in control of today. Hugs!!
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