Amii

My fiance is currently in rehab. He's been there since one month. I got to see him 3 times since he's been to rehab. I last saw him on the 2nd of January. I miss him terribly. It's one week today since i haven't seen him or heard from him. Im getting really anxious. I keep thinking he's gonna leave me when he gets out of rehab. It makes me panic and cry all the time. I don't know how to cope with all of this. I feel really embarassed to talk about it to anyone. And there is no one close enough for me to talk to. I kept a journal and every time i reread it - i sound like a crazy woman! Does anyone know if it's normal for me to feel this way? He was really distant the last time we met. No sweet names..he did say he love me though. And he asked about what we' be doing once he is back. And when he'll be leaving rehab there will be exactly a year left for us to get married. We already fixed our wedding date. I dunno if im the one over reacting. Can anyone help? 😞

Rodney18

I think it’s absolutely normal to feel as you do. I was in rehab for 22 days and missed my family terribly and they missed me. I had all types of thoughts and would have them again. Separation anxiety is something that just happens. It can be dealt with, once one knows it’s a typical response and that’s what I do believe.

DreamCatcher17

Welcome,

I think it is totally normal.

Have you considered Alanon? That is a great support group!

Ariesagain

We can get addicted to drama and chaos...then when the source of that is gone, it’s like withdrawal.

How long have you known him? I hope you’ll stay and read the threads that describe what living with addiction can be like. A year out for your wedding date might be a good thing...it can give you some time to see if this recovery of his works out?

Done4today

Welcome Amii to SR,

I don't think what you're describing is abnormal. I do think it's unhealthy to think and feel this way. I hope you find a Co-dependency program that can help you such as Al-anon.

Your fiancé has taken steps to improve his life which will enhance your life as a couple. If you have insecurities about him becoming well, then you need to reevaluate the relationship or work on your fears with a program.

Good luck

Amii

Hello Rodney.

Thanks for the reply. I do feel a little better today. Guess i just have to wait till he is back. Hopefully everything will work out okay

Amii

Ive been wanting to call his social worker. She said they provide support for the family as well.. Im hesistant to call-to tell her what? That i miss my fiancé and i feel insecure.. That im afraid he'll just put an end to our relationship. Sound ridiculous to me. And honestly everyone knows me as a strong person-it's embarassing to show others my weakness. ( i so have a huge ego problem)

Amii

Ive known him since im 16-im gonna be 28 this year! We went out together before and then got separated when i went for my studies. After 6 years of separation we got back together in 2016. Its gonna be 2 years since we back together this year ☺
At the beginning of our relationship-2 years back he did say he had an addiction problem but he was over it. He got back into drugs right after we got engaged-for about 6 months. Then he got into a fight and that's when we found out the truth. I was the first one to whom he admitted that he had an addiction problem.
It's been a blow..koz i always told him that addiction and cheating on me could be the only things that could separate us. Im still angry at me although he says the only reason he agreed to go to rehab was for us. So we can have a better future. I guess i just don't trust him anymore. And he hasn't really included me in the day care program he was in before going to rehab- so i don't really know what to expect and what not to.
Being away from him definitely is giving me time to think about everything seriously. I dont want to hurt him either. Koz i guess being in rehab isnt easy for him and if he really did mean it when he said that he is doing it for us then it's unfair to him. Im just really afraid and insecure

Amii

I dont have insecurities about his recovery. Im just afraid that when he is out of rehab he decides to break up with me.
I read somewhere that once people are out of rehab they have a hard time coping and often relapse when they face people/places that remind them of their addiction or they just avoid those people/places.
Im afraid that i may have contributed to his addiction. I mean-when i asked him why did he turn to drugs-he said it used to numb his feelings. He was having a hard time coping with his very strict mom. And now that i think of it we used to argue a lot around that period too. That is why im afraid i may have contributed to his addiction. And if i did-he will want to avoid me once he is back and well..
I dunno its all mixed up in my head. I did speak to him about my fears and he said i just have to trust him.
I think i have to work on my fears as you said.

LateBloominCait

Chances are that your relationship is codependent and he has very rational fears that if you fall back into old patterns, he will drink again. If he truly gets well and you don't seek help for yourself, he may have no choice but to be alone to stay sober. You really should call and find a professional to talk to. Many spouses (enablers) are themselves addicted to the addict and their drama and addicted to the "rescuer" role. They don't know what to do when the addict no longer needs their 24/7 help.

Him needing help as an addict was not love and you helping wasn't love. It was codependence. Love can only occur between two independent, strong and sober individuals who take responsibility for their part of the relationship. Since addict/enabler relationships tend to turn into invalid/caretaker relationships, it isn't uncommon for the romance to die after living that way for a while. The enabler becomes more of a parental figure which is not attractive. The addict's behavior can also dampen romantic feelings for the spouse and turn into disgist or even contempt.

Is it unfair that his drinking is impacting you this way? Yes, but you weren't married to a fully mature man. He is going to do a lot of growing up as he gets more time sober and probably isn't sure who he will be at the end of the journey. You getting help will mean you can work on becoming a healthier partner as well but also a stronger and more independent person which is what he will need to maintain sobriety going forward.

If you truly believe his addiction is what held you together, it is probably going to end anyway as it was never a healthy relationship. But I suspect he is probably at a stage of his recovery where he isn't feeling overly emotional or flowery. He will be a lot less damatic. He may have been very flowery with romantic words before, but that was the alcohol amplifying his feelings. You probably are used to the roller coaster of extreme highs as well as lows. If he is really getting better, the ride will settle down. Many spouses have no idea how addicted to the drama they are until it's gone.

Nowsthetime

Hello!

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

You said that he went to rehab for your relationship, for the two of you. If this is the case then it is not going to stick. Definitely not. It only sticks with a person goes because they need to for themselves. Blaming others and manipulating you it’s typical addict behavior. It is really good that your wedding it’s so far away in time so that you can see and really evaluate his recovery. Do not, I repeat, do not marry somebody in active addiction. It will be hell and it only gets worse.

I’m glad you found us! Use us for support.

Done4today

If he gets well and you're still sick, then who would want that relationship?

While he is working on himself, this is your chance to work on yourself. If he chooses not to be with you, then so be it. That is a part of life. BF, GF, lovers, partners, just fall out of love and move on. As a recovered alcoholic that has been in my fair share of co-dependent relationships. I am grateful that I have learned good life skills that keep me sober and healthy in my relationships and break ups. Just like you didn't make him drink, you aren't getting him sober, and you can't make him stay in a relationship or love you. If reading this makes your anxiety spike or cause some emotional reaction, then you need to get working on your co-dependency. Good luck