TYG2

My best friends Mom passed away.
Do I call her or not?
History:
She abruptly didn't return a few VM' s in the spring of 2015 or invite me to their annual summer bon fire party. I realized in horror that I must drunk dialed her at some point after my Dad's death in March 2015 cuz we spoke a lot in the two weeks following. I respected her obvious wish not to speak with me. No Happy Birthday , Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Nothing. We'd been BFF's since Grade 7. Each other's maid of honour.
While being a heavy binge drinker for more than a decade (sometimes very mean nasty) I somehow no matter how drunk knew enuf to never be insulting or nasty to her. NEVER. I've lost my son, family and every friend I ever had because of my drunken behavior. And when I realized I'd lost her too I drank way more. I'm on Day 14, was reading the newspaper after a productive day and I saw the obituary.
?????call or not?????

Dee74

Maybe send a card instead TYG?

D

2ndhandrose

I agree with Dee, a card is best.

Not that you asked, but I wouldn't write anymore than your condolences. I would leave the relationship troubles completely out and maybe in the future you will be able to work to restore your friendship.

All the best

least

I'd send a condolence card.

ChickChick

As my Mom just passed 4 weeks ago. I say card. I could not handle all of the phone calls. And I felt awful for not wanting to talk to every single person. So yeah. For now I think a card would be very nice.

JustTony

Agree with the above sentiments.

The written word is always far more powerful in circumstances like this anyway. A short message that concentrates on her terrible loss only is a respectful and appropriate piece of communication.

TYG2

Thank you all. I love SR!!!! Card it is.
But how God awful I can't be there for her, like she was for me. All because of something I don't even remember saying during a blackout binge.
Just more incentive to work my recovery program harder than ever.

Dee74

Chances are things won't always be this way - but for now let yourself focus on you and let her grieve TYG.

D

MagnumCat

I agree with sending a card. It's not the time to discuss anything else.

I also know exactly how you feel about losing your best friend. I lost my best friend this year due to my drinking. I've known her for 48 years. She was my maid of honour as well. She was the one person that I could talk to about anything. I'm lost without her. I'm 8 days sober and I hope that one day we will rekindle our friendship. I have to look after me right now, but when I can, I hope to show her the new me and gain her respect again.

Sending the card might just be the opening you need to start communicating with her again. Baby steps!

faith823

Hello,
I can also relate to exactly how you feel. I also have not heard from my best friend since the 7th grade . I was also her maid of honor.
The last I saw her was at our highschool reunion and she was less
than impressed with my behavior. I was just also have been to ashamed
to call her . Recently while drunk that is when I have no shame-
I messaged her on FB saying I guess we are not friends any more.
no response not even sure if she has read it.

I just wanted to let you know I understand. Send your condolence card. .Then maybe after some time follow up with a I am thinking of you card advising you are there for her if she needs you.

Once I get some sober time together I may send a thinking of you card myself-

Akc

Hey, I agree that phone calls would be too much for her at this time, U clearly care for and love her so best way to do is focus entirely on her and her loss, don’t bring up the past just let her know you are thinking about her and there are no negative undertones, coming from someone who has lost close friends due to the drink I can honestly say now now a few years down the line of being sober I don’t blame them for the distance, It was hard work being my friend, I was fine at parties then I’d get emotional, cry, binge drink and pretty much ruin a night out . I accept that .. but now be there for her ... good luck

Akc

Im in same boat but I’m bitter about my friendship! It was my fault I cried a lot , was self obsessed especially when I got counselling, I talked my problem all the time then she walked away , I don’t blame her I was an awful friend at that time but before that I did everything for her , I just felt like when the chips were down she wasn’t there for me... I’m heart broken about it ... I have so many regrets. But I’ve been sober 2 years and unfortunately carry the stigma of alcoholic in people eyes. But it’s mental health and thankfully the world is opening up to it