Verbally Abused and Miserable, so why don't I leave?
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Verbally Abused and Miserable, so why don't I leave?
This is the question I keep asking myself. A little over a week ago AH got angry with me and proceeded to tear down every single aspect of my being. Everything that was said was meant to destroy me, and it came very, very close. In addition I was called angry, mean, ugly, a bitch, and insane. When I finally asked why he was doing this, he said something along the lines of, well, I can't hit you. Seriously???? There are a few things that would be deal breakers, and that is one of them, and he knows it. I was shocked he even said it and am still disturbed at the obvious underlying anger. I managed to keep my cool throughout. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or that I'm just becoming numb to it all. I did take an opportunity to tell him he was an alcoholic, and he was rapidly approaching the point of choosing his drink or his family. He told me he could stop whenever he wanted but wanted my assurance that if he did I wouldn't cause him any additional stress. I told him there would always be situations and stress, and if that's the environment he needed, then he should go to rehab. Anyway, at that point it was a conversation going nowhere, and he was drunk, so I chose to stop wasting my breath. It did give me some pretty big insight into his own views on his situation.
So, now I'm not sure why I'm even staying. It's not financial, although it would be a huge change, it could be done. I guess it's partially the kids, although the youngest will be driving in less than a year, so a lot of the things I still feel the need to protect him from will be solved by that. It's not the shame of divorce, because I really don't care at this point. If it were one of my friends I would be screaming at them to run and not look back. So, I've been trying to figure out what it is that keeps me here.
The closest I can come to is:
1) There are other health major issues at play with him, so I feel like I shouldn't kick him when he's down. Although this becomes less of a consideration as he continues to bring me down.
2) Eventually something will break and cause him to face his own issues. Maybe it won't have to be me?
3) I'm stubborn. I have been with this man more than half of my life. How can I just give up?
One good thing that came out of his tirade is we both agree I need help. (Insert eye roll here.) So, I should see a counselor. Not that I couldn't have at any time, but it would have caused a huge fight, and I wasn't to the point I felt it was worth the struggle. Now, however, he's suggested it, so I am currently looking for a counselor. Maybe I can work through some of my own thoughts, and strengthen myself to not only help me, but help our kids, until that time comes that something changes. Because even though I don't know what that change will be, something is going to have to change.
The other good thing is that he knows he really blew it, so he's been on relatively good behavior lately, which reduces the stress on all of us.
So, now I'm not sure why I'm even staying. It's not financial, although it would be a huge change, it could be done. I guess it's partially the kids, although the youngest will be driving in less than a year, so a lot of the things I still feel the need to protect him from will be solved by that. It's not the shame of divorce, because I really don't care at this point. If it were one of my friends I would be screaming at them to run and not look back. So, I've been trying to figure out what it is that keeps me here.
The closest I can come to is:
1) There are other health major issues at play with him, so I feel like I shouldn't kick him when he's down. Although this becomes less of a consideration as he continues to bring me down.
2) Eventually something will break and cause him to face his own issues. Maybe it won't have to be me?
3) I'm stubborn. I have been with this man more than half of my life. How can I just give up?
One good thing that came out of his tirade is we both agree I need help. (Insert eye roll here.) So, I should see a counselor. Not that I couldn't have at any time, but it would have caused a huge fight, and I wasn't to the point I felt it was worth the struggle. Now, however, he's suggested it, so I am currently looking for a counselor. Maybe I can work through some of my own thoughts, and strengthen myself to not only help me, but help our kids, until that time comes that something changes. Because even though I don't know what that change will be, something is going to have to change.
The other good thing is that he knows he really blew it, so he's been on relatively good behavior lately, which reduces the stress on all of us.
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The closest I can come to is:
1) There are other health major issues at play with him, so I feel like I shouldn't kick him when he's down. Although this becomes less of a consideration as he continues to bring me down.
2) Eventually something will break and cause him to face his own issues. Maybe it won't have to be me?
3) I'm stubborn. I have been with this man more than half of my life. How can I just give up?
1) There are other health major issues at play with him, so I feel like I shouldn't kick him when he's down. Although this becomes less of a consideration as he continues to bring me down.
2) Eventually something will break and cause him to face his own issues. Maybe it won't have to be me?
3) I'm stubborn. I have been with this man more than half of my life. How can I just give up?
Logic and reason says that he believes he can abuse you right up to the point of physical violence and you will not leave. I think my AH believed that as well even though I never set that condition.
I can't tell you what to do, but I do think you might benefit from thinking more about what's best for YOU and less about what you imagine is best for him. Nothing you do is going to change what's going on in his head.
Case in point - my AH claims he stopped drinking when I left, but his behavior and language toward me is still psychologically abusive to this day, and he cannot see it or refuses to. It is what it is. Not my problem. I'm moving on and living my life.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I get it. Though not to the degree that your spouse is, my spouse is also verbally nasty when drunk.
Like you, for me, the reason for NOT leaving has nothing to do with finances. I don't have any shame about potential divorce either. My reason for staying, as screwed up as this sounds, is our kiddo (1.5 years old). I suspect you believe (as do I, at this moment) that protecting your kids is easier if you're in it than if you're not. I'm glad that soon your kiddo will be old enough to drive and (I'm assuming) won't be dependent on your spouse as much.
Oh yeah, and *I* am in therapy for myself too. As with you, both my spouse and I *agree* about that.
I don't have any good advice; just thought I would write to give you a fist-bump as a fellow traveler in this thing called life who is going through some of the same things I am. I've been doing meditation lately (iPhone app-guided) and it seems to help me some.
As I've heard often, and I'm sure you have too, you're only in control of yourself and the best thing is to work on making yourself happy and at peace regardless of what your AH is doing. It's so very very hard, and it takes so much work. I'm like 0.1% of the way there.
So, meditate. Write. Find a hobby. Find yourself. And keep posting here. And most of all, stay safe.
Best,
DocK
Like you, for me, the reason for NOT leaving has nothing to do with finances. I don't have any shame about potential divorce either. My reason for staying, as screwed up as this sounds, is our kiddo (1.5 years old). I suspect you believe (as do I, at this moment) that protecting your kids is easier if you're in it than if you're not. I'm glad that soon your kiddo will be old enough to drive and (I'm assuming) won't be dependent on your spouse as much.
Oh yeah, and *I* am in therapy for myself too. As with you, both my spouse and I *agree* about that.
I don't have any good advice; just thought I would write to give you a fist-bump as a fellow traveler in this thing called life who is going through some of the same things I am. I've been doing meditation lately (iPhone app-guided) and it seems to help me some.
As I've heard often, and I'm sure you have too, you're only in control of yourself and the best thing is to work on making yourself happy and at peace regardless of what your AH is doing. It's so very very hard, and it takes so much work. I'm like 0.1% of the way there.
So, meditate. Write. Find a hobby. Find yourself. And keep posting here. And most of all, stay safe.
Best,
DocK
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 15
Glenl,
Excellent post. Thank you for this.
"All of this is about him and about magical thinking ("If I... then he...") not logic and reason.
Logic and reason says that he believes he can abuse you right up to the point of physical violence and you will not leave. I think my AH believed that as well even though I never set that condition.
I can't tell you what to do, but I do think you might benefit from thinking more about what's best for YOU and less about what you imagine is best for him. Nothing you do is going to change what's going on in his head.
Case in point - my AH claims he stopped drinking when I left, but his behavior and language toward me is still psychologically abusive to this day, and he cannot see it or refuses to. It is what it is. Not my problem. I'm moving on and living my life. "
Excellent post. Thank you for this.
"All of this is about him and about magical thinking ("If I... then he...") not logic and reason.
Logic and reason says that he believes he can abuse you right up to the point of physical violence and you will not leave. I think my AH believed that as well even though I never set that condition.
I can't tell you what to do, but I do think you might benefit from thinking more about what's best for YOU and less about what you imagine is best for him. Nothing you do is going to change what's going on in his head.
Case in point - my AH claims he stopped drinking when I left, but his behavior and language toward me is still psychologically abusive to this day, and he cannot see it or refuses to. It is what it is. Not my problem. I'm moving on and living my life. "
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Originally Posted by glenl 
All of this is about him and about magical thinking ("If I... then he...") not logic and reason.
Logic and reason says that he believes he can abuse you right up to the point of physical violence and you will not leave. I think my AH believed that as well even though I never set that condition.
Thank you!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
searching.....Please go back and read the post that I made to you on November 25. I would still say the same to you, again.
You are living with abuse...even if you don't think of it that way. Abuse isn't just being hit...there are many types....and, from what you share...I think you are more controlled by the fear than you are aware of.....
The DV people can refer you to someone who is skilled in working with those who have been living with abuse...so, they can provide counseling for you--or refer you to someone who has the skill set that you need.....
It shows strength to get help....it is not a weakness....
I am giving you a link to our extensive library of excellent articles....I hop that you will take the time to read through them.....knowledge is power...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The number to the Domestic Violence Hotline is .......1-800-799-7233. They can direct you to your local organization.... Everything will be held in strict confidence.
Have you read the sticky...at the top of the forum, on abuse?
You are living with abuse...even if you don't think of it that way. Abuse isn't just being hit...there are many types....and, from what you share...I think you are more controlled by the fear than you are aware of.....
The DV people can refer you to someone who is skilled in working with those who have been living with abuse...so, they can provide counseling for you--or refer you to someone who has the skill set that you need.....
It shows strength to get help....it is not a weakness....
I am giving you a link to our extensive library of excellent articles....I hop that you will take the time to read through them.....knowledge is power...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The number to the Domestic Violence Hotline is .......1-800-799-7233. They can direct you to your local organization.... Everything will be held in strict confidence.
Have you read the sticky...at the top of the forum, on abuse?
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Originally Posted by dandylion
searching.....Please go back and read the post that I made to you on November 25. I would still say the same to you, again.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Searching...it is good that you have resources close and available to you....just make that they are experienced in the areas that you need the most help in.....
Also, if you have not read "Co-Dependent No More"...it would be a good time to begin it...It is like a "bible" around here. You can get it on amazon.com and/or the local library....It is an easy, good read.....
Also, if you have not read "Co-Dependent No More"...it would be a good time to begin it...It is like a "bible" around here. You can get it on amazon.com and/or the local library....It is an easy, good read.....
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by searching4shay
3) I'm stubborn. I have been with this man more than half of my life. How can I just give up?
In my own therapy and by learning from this site, I've learned that it isn't failure by leaving. It isn't "giving up," it is standing up for yourself, it is saying NO to unacceptable treatment, it is brave, it is teaching your children by example.
I hope that your experience in therapy helps you get stronger and allows you to look at this from another perspective. I will admit, sometimes I waffle and waiver but then my STBXAH does something to snap me right back into reality and I am flooded with relief that I am choosing not to waste one more minute with someone unworthy.
Sending you support and strength for your inner journey and wishing you the best!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
This man does not deserve your love or commitment. He's a grown man. His health issues are not your concern. Seems to me he's made it pretty clear to you who he really is. Immature, selfish, self centered, self pitying, fearful, arrogant and mean. Should I go on?
Is this what you really want in your heart of hearts? I think you deserve more.
You said you've spent half your life with him. Do you really want to waste the other half hoping someday he'll het his s**t together?
Is this what you really want in your heart of hearts? I think you deserve more.
You said you've spent half your life with him. Do you really want to waste the other half hoping someday he'll het his s**t together?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by DocK
I get it. Though not to the degree that your spouse is, my spouse is also verbally nasty when drunk.
Like you, for me, the reason for NOT leaving has nothing to do with finances. I don't have any shame about potential divorce either. My reason for staying, as screwed up as this sounds, is our kiddo (1.5 years old). I suspect you believe (as do I, at this moment) that protecting your kids is easier if you're in it than if you're not. I'm glad that soon your kiddo will be old enough to drive and (I'm assuming) won't be dependent on your spouse as much.
Oh yeah, and *I* am in therapy for myself too. As with you, both my spouse and I *agree* about that.
I don't have any good advice; just thought I would write to give you a fist-bump as a fellow traveler in this thing called life who is going through some of the same things I am. I've been doing meditation lately (iPhone app-guided) and it seems to help me some.
As I've heard often, and I'm sure you have too, you're only in control of yourself and the best thing is to work on making yourself happy and at peace regardless of what your AH is doing. It's so very very hard, and it takes so much work. I'm like 0.1% of the way there.
So, meditate. Write. Find a hobby. Find yourself. And keep posting here. And most of all, stay safe.
Best,
DocK
Like you, for me, the reason for NOT leaving has nothing to do with finances. I don't have any shame about potential divorce either. My reason for staying, as screwed up as this sounds, is our kiddo (1.5 years old). I suspect you believe (as do I, at this moment) that protecting your kids is easier if you're in it than if you're not. I'm glad that soon your kiddo will be old enough to drive and (I'm assuming) won't be dependent on your spouse as much.
Oh yeah, and *I* am in therapy for myself too. As with you, both my spouse and I *agree* about that.
I don't have any good advice; just thought I would write to give you a fist-bump as a fellow traveler in this thing called life who is going through some of the same things I am. I've been doing meditation lately (iPhone app-guided) and it seems to help me some.
As I've heard often, and I'm sure you have too, you're only in control of yourself and the best thing is to work on making yourself happy and at peace regardless of what your AH is doing. It's so very very hard, and it takes so much work. I'm like 0.1% of the way there.
So, meditate. Write. Find a hobby. Find yourself. And keep posting here. And most of all, stay safe.
Best,
DocK
I don't want my child growing up listening to his dad verbally abuse me, watch him abuse alcohol, and think that is acceptable behavior. I know that is what my STBXAH watched growing up and he is just continuing the cycle of abuse.
While it is a hard road, I am choosing to walk it so that I can break the cycle for my child. I want my child to learn from my actions and learn how to set up healthy boundaries in relationships.
I wanted to share as food for thought. Sending you strength!
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I'm stubborn. I have been with this man more than half of my life. How can I just give up?
you realize that doesn't make any real sense, right?
that would be like a POW upon being freed saying, ya know i think i'll stay here cuz i'm used to it, but thanks for the rescue. you are not going to get any points for staying in a miserable abusive situation. and do you want to spend one more DAY of your precious life "not" being hit????
you realize that doesn't make any real sense, right?
that would be like a POW upon being freed saying, ya know i think i'll stay here cuz i'm used to it, but thanks for the rescue. you are not going to get any points for staying in a miserable abusive situation. and do you want to spend one more DAY of your precious life "not" being hit????
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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^ totally agree. How can you NOT give up?!
And honestly, it’s not YOU giving up-he trashed the relationship by giving up on himself. You’re wanting freedom-which is exactly the opposite of giving up.
I’ve been where you are-I didn’t even know I was being abused, I couldn’t call it that. I was in such denial and terrified and beat down. PLEASE get some help for you. There are so many of us here that have gotten out of abusive situations and are thriving!!! I will suppprt you along the way.
One of the great things I learned here was : you’ll leave when the fear of the unknown is less than the fear of the known. I PROMISE you it is worth it every second of the day to leave. You are worth so much more...and you need to own that, believe it and live it!
And honestly, it’s not YOU giving up-he trashed the relationship by giving up on himself. You’re wanting freedom-which is exactly the opposite of giving up.
I’ve been where you are-I didn’t even know I was being abused, I couldn’t call it that. I was in such denial and terrified and beat down. PLEASE get some help for you. There are so many of us here that have gotten out of abusive situations and are thriving!!! I will suppprt you along the way.
One of the great things I learned here was : you’ll leave when the fear of the unknown is less than the fear of the known. I PROMISE you it is worth it every second of the day to leave. You are worth so much more...and you need to own that, believe it and live it!
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Why can't you leave? I'd look at fear being the main reason and we all have that, especially when the prospect of change is involved. You seem to understand that this is all about him and there's nothing you can say or do that will change the situation. Alanon was a huge help for me in getting to the root of the problem (it was me) and then getting the support to take the necessary actions. A big hug!
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1) There are other health major issues at play with him, so I feel like I shouldn't kick him when he's down. Although this becomes less of a consideration as he continues to bring me down.
How far down will you allow him to bring you? To some kind of breaking point? You are obviously a very strong person, I get that, we all have a breaking point, don't let yourself get there because at that point you will need others to help you out of this, will they be there?
2) Eventually something will break and cause him to face his own issues. Maybe it won't have to be me?
I hope not but I wouldn't bet on anything "breaking" for him in general. This is kind of wishful thinking?
3) I'm stubborn. I have been with this man more than half of my life. How can I just give up?
Well, that's one way of looking at it and I understand that too. Thing is, by not letting it go (now whether that means distancing yourself emotionally or leaving him or both, that's up to you), you are setting yourself up.
Who is looking out for you in all of this by the way?
How far down will you allow him to bring you? To some kind of breaking point? You are obviously a very strong person, I get that, we all have a breaking point, don't let yourself get there because at that point you will need others to help you out of this, will they be there?
2) Eventually something will break and cause him to face his own issues. Maybe it won't have to be me?
I hope not but I wouldn't bet on anything "breaking" for him in general. This is kind of wishful thinking?
3) I'm stubborn. I have been with this man more than half of my life. How can I just give up?
Well, that's one way of looking at it and I understand that too. Thing is, by not letting it go (now whether that means distancing yourself emotionally or leaving him or both, that's up to you), you are setting yourself up.
Who is looking out for you in all of this by the way?
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I think at some point we all have to decide when we're going to start giving the same consideration to ourselves that we give so freely and beyond all reason to others, particularly those who hurt us.
We get one, brief, shining moment that is over before we know it. Is this really how you want to spend it?
We get one, brief, shining moment that is over before we know it. Is this really how you want to spend it?
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I hear you and am in a very similar situation. However my AH is in recovery but still very, very selfish.
I went through a time that I could not stand to be in the same room with him.
We are still in the same house and that’s very hard but I will not let the end of this marriage (if that’s what ends up happening) strip my financially. He refuses to leave for a trial separation and I really can’t leave either because I don’t trust him.
I also am on the fence (again) about if this is going to be the end as I said he’s in recovery but ... I just don’t know.
You should get to al anon and definitely do some research on this disease, it is only going to progress...if he is still drinking. It does not get better it gets worse and he will most likely cross that physical line.
As far as staying for your children, you should be thinking of leaving for your children.
I am also an adult child of an alcoholic and even though you are doing your best to shield your children, trust me they see it, know it and accept it. Out of respect for yourself and your children you should get them out of that situation - that will show them that it is not a healthy relationship and that you (and they in future relationships) should not accept another’s rotten behavior toward you or them.
I was reading some of the alcoholics’ stories in this site today and many of them stated they had no respect for anyone, women, family or friends. My stepson is now an adult and exhibits zero respect towards women - which is not surprising at all because that’s what he grew up learning by example to both my AH’s ex wife and to myself. That’s what my AH grew up seeing (his father showing no respect for his mother) and so the cycle goes. Break that cycle...
I went through a time that I could not stand to be in the same room with him.
We are still in the same house and that’s very hard but I will not let the end of this marriage (if that’s what ends up happening) strip my financially. He refuses to leave for a trial separation and I really can’t leave either because I don’t trust him.
I also am on the fence (again) about if this is going to be the end as I said he’s in recovery but ... I just don’t know.
You should get to al anon and definitely do some research on this disease, it is only going to progress...if he is still drinking. It does not get better it gets worse and he will most likely cross that physical line.
As far as staying for your children, you should be thinking of leaving for your children.
I am also an adult child of an alcoholic and even though you are doing your best to shield your children, trust me they see it, know it and accept it. Out of respect for yourself and your children you should get them out of that situation - that will show them that it is not a healthy relationship and that you (and they in future relationships) should not accept another’s rotten behavior toward you or them.
I was reading some of the alcoholics’ stories in this site today and many of them stated they had no respect for anyone, women, family or friends. My stepson is now an adult and exhibits zero respect towards women - which is not surprising at all because that’s what he grew up learning by example to both my AH’s ex wife and to myself. That’s what my AH grew up seeing (his father showing no respect for his mother) and so the cycle goes. Break that cycle...
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Hi, Searching.
Wow. There is a lot to unpack in your post.
Youve gotten lots of good input from people who have been there and are doing what they need to do to move forward.
I strongly recommend Al-Anon or some therapy with someone experienced in addictions and families.
God luck and good thoughts.
Wow. There is a lot to unpack in your post.
Youve gotten lots of good input from people who have been there and are doing what they need to do to move forward.
I strongly recommend Al-Anon or some therapy with someone experienced in addictions and families.
God luck and good thoughts.
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You know, I went through all of the reasons for why I did not leave earlier then I did. I could substantiate all of my reasons, except for the real reason for why I didn't leave earlier.
I wanted "validation". Validation that I did not just waste 25 years of my life. Validation, that he did actually love me.
I was in my marriage, and I don't even know if I loved him anymore, I just got stuck on a "hamster wheel", that went round and round, and I just kept doing things that were familiar to me.
Once I jumped off of that hamster wheel, and once I left, I was able to think. It might not have been immediately, but I wasn't going around in circles anymore.
Yes, I needed "validation", and I was never going to get it from him. It was a gift that I had to give to myself.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I wanted "validation". Validation that I did not just waste 25 years of my life. Validation, that he did actually love me.
I was in my marriage, and I don't even know if I loved him anymore, I just got stuck on a "hamster wheel", that went round and round, and I just kept doing things that were familiar to me.
Once I jumped off of that hamster wheel, and once I left, I was able to think. It might not have been immediately, but I wasn't going around in circles anymore.
Yes, I needed "validation", and I was never going to get it from him. It was a gift that I had to give to myself.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by amy55
I wanted "validation". Validation that I did not just waste 25 years of my life. Validation, that he did actually love me.
I was in my marriage, and I don't even know if I loved him anymore, I just got stuck on a "hamster wheel", that went round and round, and I just kept doing things that were familiar to me.
I was in my marriage, and I don't even know if I loved him anymore, I just got stuck on a "hamster wheel", that went round and round, and I just kept doing things that were familiar to me.
You all have given me so much to think about. It would be so much easier to cut and run if he were always a jerk, but in reality he's not. However, regardless of his mood of the day or moment, the eggshells are now always there, so that is the reality that I must deal with.
Thank you all for your insight and experience.
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