Aquiana

This came from a different thread but it seems more fitting here now. With a big thud, he fell off the wagon this afternoon. He went to a hockey game, with the same friends, and this time he didn't say no. He said he only had two, but he came home with some. All the feelings of distrust and fear came sailing back. I knew this was something that would probably happen one day but I was hoping I was wrong. He has since left and said he was going to a meeting here in town. He took the beer with him though saying he was going to get rid of it since he didn't trust himself with it but I'm not so sure......

So now I don't know what to do again. Is this normal? Is it something that a lot of recovering people go through? He says he wants to maybe drink occasionally, which I don't mind, but what are the odds he won't go back to doing it as heavily as before. He says he'll never be that bad again because he doesn't ever want it to get that bad and he's aware of the signs now. Is he being realistic in thinking he can control it now? Does anyone have any idea on whether or not an A can learn to control their drinking? I don't know whether I should just let him do it or whether I should be packing bags. Help!

Lorelai

Sweetie -
You aren't "letting him do" anything. He is making his own decisions about his life and you will have to make your own decisions about your life.

You don't have to pack your bags. You have to focus on yourself and get to the point where you can make whatever decisions you need to make.

My H and I were married for 20 years. If I had a dollar for every time he decided he was going to "cut down" and "drink like everyone else" I'd be a very wealthy woman right now.

I'm sure that my H tried very hard and believed very much that he could just drink a few beers now and then. He can't. I know that for sure.
L

Cadence57

Ditto with my A. He can go for days without his beer (as long as there is no beer to be found) - but he might drink a glass or two of wine. He can even maintain "normal" nightly drinking for a short period, but eventually... he goes back to his heavy nightly drinking (anywhere from 4 - ?? beers - I've seen him drink as many as 11 in 4 hours). I don't know if he's ever been honest ("I only had one") with me or not. I don't trust his numbers - because he knows it's so important to me, I'd venture to say he'd fudge in his favor to avoid the inevitable consequences... Would he really admit to drinking six??? I think not!

Aquiana

I don't know whether I should be giving him a chance or not. He says he needs some time to prove himself...I need something to get my mind off this. He came home last night and said he went to the meeting here. I kind of believe he did. Although he denies it up and down I kind of believe he did drink at least some of the beer he took with him when he went. He was showing some of his signs when he got home. The thing that upsets me the most about it is that I don't blame him for slipping. I knew the problem probably wouldn't go away overnight. I expected him to slip more than I expected a complete recovery. Mostly I need him to keep trying. I don't want him to give up. Unfortunatly if giving up is what he wants to do than we can't stay together and I know that. The other thing is that I don't want him lying about it. If he drank those beers admit to it and work on it. I don't understand his ability to look me in the eye and lie especially when he knows that lack of trust is our biggest problem. I sort of understand why it's hard for him. I had issues with alcohol and drugs when I was younger. I still crave drugs when I'm upset even though I haven't even done them in years. More recently I quit smoking for a few weeks and I fell off the wagon. That and when he caught me....I lied about it. Difference was, when I lied I felt terrible and spilled the beans. He lies with so much indifference it's frightening. Makes me wonder if that the alchohol or if that's just him. Something to think about unfortunately.

ASpouse

You should NOT have expected him to slip up. He went to rehab to dry out for crying out loud, went to meetings day and night. He was taught and is very well aware of what he needs to remain sober and start living a life of sobriety.

You are enabling him to drink by not setting boundaries and expecting him to slip. Have higher expectations of him and yourself. He is setting himself up to fail and you are setting yourself up to fail.

Lorelai

Let's say my H came to me and said "Stop breathing or I'm going to leave you." Well, I don't want him to leave me but I know I have to breath to live. What would I do?

I think I would keep breathing really quietly and try to hide the fact that I was breathing. If he accused me of breathing, I would say "No, I'm not breathing."

I think it's like that with my H. He really believes that he has to drink to live. He thinks his only option is to keep drinking and hide it from me. Somewhere in his mind he thinks that will take care of the problem. Of course if he keeps drinking, he will one day be obviously drunk. It's impossible to hide that.

You said that you need something to keep your mind off of this. You can keep your mind on you and your life and your happiness. That way, whether he slips or not, you can still stay centered and go on with your life. It is possible. It just takes some practice.
L

Cadence57

Great analogy!! Dangerous Dan just said pretty much the same thing to me on another board in here... Alcoholics believe they NEED to drink to live.
I think that concept is almost impossible for those of us who have never been there to fathom. At least it is for me!

Ann

It's not what we do or don't do, it's about them and their disease. They do what they do because they are adddicted. Boundaries are about us, not about controlling them, we CANNOT control what they do or don't do and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can let go and start working on us.

They don't DO it to us, they just do it. What we do for ourselves is entirely up to us and shouldn't be influenced by trying to control, blame, shame, or bargain them back to sobriety. It simply doesn't work. If we could love them back, every one of them would be sober and clean today. We are powerless over them, their addiction and their recovery. Step 1.

Hugs
Ann

Aquiana

I should rephrase the fact that I expected him to slip. I mean more that I didn't expect him to be miraculously recovered after he got out. I've been patient about him not going to meetings and things at first only because he's the type of guy that wouldn't go if I made too big of a deal about it. If he thinks I'm "nagging" or treating him like he's an idiot, he wouldn't do it for sure. I've mostly been saying he should go to meet some new people. We have a problem where all of our good friends are drinkers. Well nearly all anyway. I've been trying to hang out with the couple that aren't so much as often as possible. Some of my friends that don't are a little hard for him to hang out with. There's about a 14 year age gap there and he can't relate to them at all. He's a social guy so it's not a problem for us to hang out with different people as long as we can find some. We come from a small place so there's only so many things going on here and alot involve drinking. I'm sure it would make a huge difference if he didn't get surrounded by it.

I hope it helps too that I decided for sure, small town or not that I'm going to go to a meeting on Wednesday. Whether he keeps drinking or not doesn't matter anymore. I need help, and I know it.

ASpouse

I didn't word that correctly Ann in my haste to reply. Perhaps I have to stop and think before typing! You said it very well, as usual.

Cadence57

This was probably the most difficult concept for me to grasp. The difference between setting boundries for ME and setting boundries as a means of control. I just started reading CoDependent No More and the lighbulbs were going off like 4th of July fireworks. I finally GET it but it's still new and the fine lines are not all quite visible yet.
I find myself feeling really bad about my really bad behaviour with him in the past - the bargaining, the shame and blaming, the controlling --- Geez, I honestly NEVER considered myself to be controlling until I started reading this book!!! Now... well, it's a whole new ballgame. I can't go back to the old ways when I know that they were wrong.

Trying to control someone elses's behaviour or MAKE an alcoholic understand how you feel is like trying to nail Jello to a tree... I really DO finally get it.

Aquiana

I've been reading through a lot of these posts and how I have to admit I can't do anything about his problem. I know what my problem is. I am the most stubborn person on earth in regards to admitting to anyone, including myself, that I can't do something. I'm like that with him, I'm like that at home and I'm like that at work. I'm the kind of person that will keep doing the impossible over and over again rather than admit it beat me. I'll do it till I'm swearing and in tears. I guess I just want all you guys to know that it's not that I'm not listening to your advice when you give it. It's just really really hard to admit I'm powerless about it. I thank everyone for the advice and I'm working on letting it go. I know it's only self defeating to beat ones head against a wall, I'm just so not used to being out of control.

Thanx and please don't give up on me. I'll get there....

ASpouse

I used to be that way also. My life, at least my inner self and spiritual self is so much at peace now that I have let go of my control issues. I fought it tooth and nail, but boy when I finally gave in, I felt so much better.

You'll get there Aquiana, you have to work on yourself and not decide what is best for him and what is not. It's his decision to make, not yours.

Lorelai

(((Aquiana)))

I think that what you described is a very "codie" trait. I always thought I could fix anything if I just tried hard enough. I spent a lot of time worrying about and trying to fix other people's problems. I think that kept me busy enough not worry about my own issues.

The strangest thing about all of this for me, Aquiana is that all the time I thought I was in control, others were controlling me. Once I started to learn how to give up control , I felt so much more in control of myself. It's really hard to explain but, for me, it has lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. I can live my life without worrying and obsessing and let others live their lives without my constant input.

Don't worry about anybody giving up on you. I've been here a long time and nobody ever gave up on me.
Hugs - L