Struggling with REALLY bad depression and feeling lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Struggling with REALLY bad depression and feeling lost
After spending about 10 hours on my computer today - I go to college online - what did I have to look forward to when I finished up my project? A pleasant dinner with interesting conversation? Greeting the cute kids as a couple when they came to the door trick-or-treating?
Nah. Just a drunk who made the usual horse's *** out of himself in front of our next door neighbors in particular when they came over with their nine-month-old twins dressed in really cute costumes. He was so obviously drunk and it's embarrassing to me.
I'm just a nervous, anxious, depressed wreck. I can't shake this depression and this feeling of discomfort when I get near him, whether he's drunk or sober. I wrote him a heart-felt letter several weeks ago about how I felt. No blame or finger-pointing. Just how scared and anxious I felt. He wanted to discuss the letter with me ... our so-called "discussion" lasted approximately 10 minutes at the dinner table with him making some vague comments about a few points I made, but otherwise not saying much of anything. He suggested we discuss the letter some more the following night.
That was the last time my letter was discussed. Hell, I wasn't pinning my hopes on him discussing anything that deals with feelings, so I wasn't let down when it was just shoved under the rug like everything else.
It's just that I'm finding it more difficult and stressful (thus the depression) to live with this screwed-up person day in and day out. Right now I can leave because I'm a student with no job. I'm going on a job interview tomorrow - it doesn't pay much, but I'd get tuition reimbursement, so I thought I'd take a shot of it.
I'm really sorry I sound like such a whining, helpless crybaby. It's just this damn depression and feeling so uncomfortable that is really getting to me. Sometimes I feel that everything is so hopeless, particularly when I take a cold hard look at two of my MAJOR character defects: getting involved with abusers/addicts and my inability to handle money in a responsible manner. I estimate that during my adult life, I've come into about $70,000 and it's slipped through my hands because I'm so irresponsible. I literally financially supported my former husband with MY money for years in addition to working my butt off. How true it is that "a fool and his money are soon parted."
I feel like a real failure at life, and I'm afraid that if I can't fix these defects, I'm doomed to crappy relationships with addicts and ending up in the poorhouse!
Nah. Just a drunk who made the usual horse's *** out of himself in front of our next door neighbors in particular when they came over with their nine-month-old twins dressed in really cute costumes. He was so obviously drunk and it's embarrassing to me.
I'm just a nervous, anxious, depressed wreck. I can't shake this depression and this feeling of discomfort when I get near him, whether he's drunk or sober. I wrote him a heart-felt letter several weeks ago about how I felt. No blame or finger-pointing. Just how scared and anxious I felt. He wanted to discuss the letter with me ... our so-called "discussion" lasted approximately 10 minutes at the dinner table with him making some vague comments about a few points I made, but otherwise not saying much of anything. He suggested we discuss the letter some more the following night.
That was the last time my letter was discussed. Hell, I wasn't pinning my hopes on him discussing anything that deals with feelings, so I wasn't let down when it was just shoved under the rug like everything else.
It's just that I'm finding it more difficult and stressful (thus the depression) to live with this screwed-up person day in and day out. Right now I can leave because I'm a student with no job. I'm going on a job interview tomorrow - it doesn't pay much, but I'd get tuition reimbursement, so I thought I'd take a shot of it.
I'm really sorry I sound like such a whining, helpless crybaby. It's just this damn depression and feeling so uncomfortable that is really getting to me. Sometimes I feel that everything is so hopeless, particularly when I take a cold hard look at two of my MAJOR character defects: getting involved with abusers/addicts and my inability to handle money in a responsible manner. I estimate that during my adult life, I've come into about $70,000 and it's slipped through my hands because I'm so irresponsible. I literally financially supported my former husband with MY money for years in addition to working my butt off. How true it is that "a fool and his money are soon parted."
I feel like a real failure at life, and I'm afraid that if I can't fix these defects, I'm doomed to crappy relationships with addicts and ending up in the poorhouse!
Living in the process
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CHARLOTTE,NC
Posts: 4
your not alone
I wish i could say you was alone.. but your not. if i had half the money, hell the time and energy i put into my sorry relationships with drug addicted men and family members i would be wealthy.. oprah or donald trump wealthy. I know what it's like to be depressed, lost and desperate, just wanting a moments peace. Ah!! just to be "normal", not to feel lost, or walking around on eggshells. What i read today was "learning to let go".. boy when i read that i was like hmmmm.. how do i do that? Right now my "ex" who i was with for ten yrs. who is a recoving addict and the father of my children is driving me insane.
I have finally come to the conclusion i have to let him go. Easier said than done. i found out that i have to work on my own issues. and boy do i have some!!! I have to be willing to accept that most of what he does, is what i let him do. Notice i said my "ex" but i continue to see him as if we are still together.. get the hint. But, when he doesnt do what i want/need/think he should do .. i feel used. I(key word) allow him to come and go as he pleases between my home and his. which he shares with another recoving addict, who happens to be his girlfrnd. Now, I admit part of me wants him back,
I keep asking myself why? He is still a liar, cheater and well let's just say.. still recovering. But the worst part is i'm helping him. So i ask myself when does it stop! when the h*** am i gonna allow myself to recover. I realize i have no control over him, but i have control over me. I know i need help. so im seeking it, i have lived the life of an addict for way too long. I have found out that living with an addict all my life has made me an addictive person. yes im addicted to the abuse(obviously) or why would i keep subjecting myself to it. sometimes the only way to help someone is to help yourself.
good luck
I have finally come to the conclusion i have to let him go. Easier said than done. i found out that i have to work on my own issues. and boy do i have some!!! I have to be willing to accept that most of what he does, is what i let him do. Notice i said my "ex" but i continue to see him as if we are still together.. get the hint. But, when he doesnt do what i want/need/think he should do .. i feel used. I(key word) allow him to come and go as he pleases between my home and his. which he shares with another recoving addict, who happens to be his girlfrnd. Now, I admit part of me wants him back,
I keep asking myself why? He is still a liar, cheater and well let's just say.. still recovering. But the worst part is i'm helping him. So i ask myself when does it stop! when the h*** am i gonna allow myself to recover. I realize i have no control over him, but i have control over me. I know i need help. so im seeking it, i have lived the life of an addict for way too long. I have found out that living with an addict all my life has made me an addictive person. yes im addicted to the abuse(obviously) or why would i keep subjecting myself to it. sometimes the only way to help someone is to help yourself.
good luck
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Good morning, prodigal. I know what it's like to go to college and live with a drunk. I did it for years. I graduated last year despite everything so keep plugging away and you'll get there.
The only thing I can say is RUN to your Financial Aid Office and see what you may be eligible for. There is a ton of financial aid out there and you don't know what you're eligible for until you check it out. It may help you to live independently
Another good thing to do would be to read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and go to Alanon. That will help you with your issues of taking care of losers. They both teach you how to take care of yourself first.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
The only thing I can say is RUN to your Financial Aid Office and see what you may be eligible for. There is a ton of financial aid out there and you don't know what you're eligible for until you check it out. It may help you to live independently
Another good thing to do would be to read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and go to Alanon. That will help you with your issues of taking care of losers. They both teach you how to take care of yourself first.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Prodigal,
This was today's thought. I hope it helps however much it can.
************************************************** ********
A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work.
--Geoffrey Norman
Exercise changes our thought patterns in beneficial ways. Often we may feel irritable or blue and see nothing we can do about the situation. Then we are amazed at what simply going for a half-hour walk will do. Although our situations don't change, we are changed in how we respond to them. Exercise - whether going for a walk, working in the garden, playing ball, or scrubbing a floor - clears our minds. After some physical movement we find our thoughts getting clearer. Ideas come to mind that help us cope, and our spirit is energized.
Science has demonstrated that many serious cases of depression respond just as well to a program of vigorous daily exercise as to traditional treatment. In a sense, our Higher Power speaks to us through our muscles and bones when we move them. This spiritual experience, like many others, never comes from thinking about it, only from doing it.
Today, I will make time for physical activity.
From the book Touchstones by Anonymous
This was today's thought. I hope it helps however much it can.
************************************************** ********
A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work.
--Geoffrey Norman
Exercise changes our thought patterns in beneficial ways. Often we may feel irritable or blue and see nothing we can do about the situation. Then we are amazed at what simply going for a half-hour walk will do. Although our situations don't change, we are changed in how we respond to them. Exercise - whether going for a walk, working in the garden, playing ball, or scrubbing a floor - clears our minds. After some physical movement we find our thoughts getting clearer. Ideas come to mind that help us cope, and our spirit is energized.
Science has demonstrated that many serious cases of depression respond just as well to a program of vigorous daily exercise as to traditional treatment. In a sense, our Higher Power speaks to us through our muscles and bones when we move them. This spiritual experience, like many others, never comes from thinking about it, only from doing it.
Today, I will make time for physical activity.
From the book Touchstones by Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
prodigal -
First of all, you're not responsible for your H's behavior. You don't have any reason to be embarrassed when he gets drunk and acts like an a$$. Don't take that on. It is his choice - his life.
Secondly, I had to get past the idea that I could talk to my H and get any validation of my feelings. He is not going to help you through this. He is not going to change just because you feel badly. He may want to help you, but he isn't capable of doing that. He is an alcoholic. He has to protect his right to drink - at all costs.
That being said, you can do this yourself. You don't need his help. You can take the steps to bring peace to your life whether he keeps drinking or not.
You are only a failure if you quit trying. All you have to do is keep trying and keep working. It will come - you have to have faith.
Hugs - L
First of all, you're not responsible for your H's behavior. You don't have any reason to be embarrassed when he gets drunk and acts like an a$$. Don't take that on. It is his choice - his life.
Secondly, I had to get past the idea that I could talk to my H and get any validation of my feelings. He is not going to help you through this. He is not going to change just because you feel badly. He may want to help you, but he isn't capable of doing that. He is an alcoholic. He has to protect his right to drink - at all costs.
That being said, you can do this yourself. You don't need his help. You can take the steps to bring peace to your life whether he keeps drinking or not.
You are only a failure if you quit trying. All you have to do is keep trying and keep working. It will come - you have to have faith.
Hugs - L
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by prodigal
I'm just a nervous, anxious, depressed wreck. I can't shake this depression and this feeling of discomfort when I get near him, whether he's drunk or sober. I wrote him a heart-felt letter several weeks ago about how I felt. No blame or finger-pointing. Just how scared and anxious I felt. He wanted to discuss the letter with me ... our so-called "discussion" lasted approximately 10 minutes at the dinner table with him making some vague comments about a few points I made, but otherwise not saying much of anything. He suggested we discuss the letter some more the following night.
That was the last time my letter was discussed. Hell, I wasn't pinning my hopes on him discussing anything that deals with feelings, so I wasn't let down when it was just shoved under the rug like everything else.
I feel like a real failure at life, and I'm afraid that if I can't fix these defects, I'm doomed to crappy relationships with addicts and ending up in the poorhouse!
That was the last time my letter was discussed. Hell, I wasn't pinning my hopes on him discussing anything that deals with feelings, so I wasn't let down when it was just shoved under the rug like everything else.
I feel like a real failure at life, and I'm afraid that if I can't fix these defects, I'm doomed to crappy relationships with addicts and ending up in the poorhouse!
Oh and the letter.... yes. I've written many a letter only to hear "Can I get back to you about this?" or "I'm not going to address this now but..." or "I need to read over your letter again before I can comment" or... no reply at all or "We need to discuss this but I want to do it in person" or... or... or... or... He has yet to actually discuss his drinking with me. He has never told me how he feels. He has never addressed the issues head on. And now I know that he won't until he gets "there" -- to that magical place where they get into recovery and are perhaps far enough away from the addiction to have gained perspective in terms of how their illness has affected others... I could be wrong and I may never find out. I broke up with my A earlier this week. It's been painful on one hand but, on the other hand, my stress levels are back to normal and the depression is lifting.
You have choices and options, it's just a matter of finding out what is available to you and what you have to do to get where YOU want to be. It;s best to make your decisions based on what is and not what you hope will be.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I'm just a nervous, anxious, depressed wreck. I can't shake this depression and this feeling of discomfort when I get near him, whether he's drunk or sober.
Have you been going to any meetings? That might help a lot. If you're able and can afford to, therapy would be a big help too. But find one that has experience with alcoholism.
I wrote him a heart-felt letter several weeks ago about how I felt. No blame or finger-pointing. Just how scared and anxious I felt. He wanted to discuss the letter with me ... our so-called "discussion" lasted approximately 10 minutes at the dinner table with him making some vague comments about a few points I made, but otherwise not saying much of anything. He suggested we discuss the letter some more the following night.
Done this too. You're exposing your heart and soul and they can't handle it. They can't take care of themselves, so we can't expect support from them.
I'm really sorry I sound like such a whining, helpless crybaby. It's just this damn depression and feeling so uncomfortable that is really getting to me. Sometimes I feel that everything is so hopeless, particularly when I take a cold hard look at two of my MAJOR character defects: getting involved with abusers/addicts and my inability to handle money in a responsible manner. I estimate that during my adult life, I've come into about $70,000 and it's slipped through my hands because I'm so irresponsible. I literally financially supported my former husband with MY money for years in addition to working my butt off. How true it is that "a fool and his money are soon parted."
Doesn't it **** you off when you look back and realize how they were able to manipulate and twist us around their little finger to make you think you had to do everything you did?
I feel like a real failure at life, and I'm afraid that if I can't fix these defects, I'm doomed to crappy relationships with addicts and ending up in the poorhouse![/QUOTE]
With an attitude like this, you're going to be a failure and continually partner up with addicts. You need AA "attitude adjustment". Think of yourself as the most awesome, powerful, strong person you know. You need to look up some literature about self-esteem.
I hope you can work through this. You're going to college to make something of yourself educationally. You do the mental adjustment at the same time.
Hugs, Kathy
Have you been going to any meetings? That might help a lot. If you're able and can afford to, therapy would be a big help too. But find one that has experience with alcoholism.
I wrote him a heart-felt letter several weeks ago about how I felt. No blame or finger-pointing. Just how scared and anxious I felt. He wanted to discuss the letter with me ... our so-called "discussion" lasted approximately 10 minutes at the dinner table with him making some vague comments about a few points I made, but otherwise not saying much of anything. He suggested we discuss the letter some more the following night.
Done this too. You're exposing your heart and soul and they can't handle it. They can't take care of themselves, so we can't expect support from them.
I'm really sorry I sound like such a whining, helpless crybaby. It's just this damn depression and feeling so uncomfortable that is really getting to me. Sometimes I feel that everything is so hopeless, particularly when I take a cold hard look at two of my MAJOR character defects: getting involved with abusers/addicts and my inability to handle money in a responsible manner. I estimate that during my adult life, I've come into about $70,000 and it's slipped through my hands because I'm so irresponsible. I literally financially supported my former husband with MY money for years in addition to working my butt off. How true it is that "a fool and his money are soon parted."
Doesn't it **** you off when you look back and realize how they were able to manipulate and twist us around their little finger to make you think you had to do everything you did?
I feel like a real failure at life, and I'm afraid that if I can't fix these defects, I'm doomed to crappy relationships with addicts and ending up in the poorhouse![/QUOTE]
With an attitude like this, you're going to be a failure and continually partner up with addicts. You need AA "attitude adjustment". Think of yourself as the most awesome, powerful, strong person you know. You need to look up some literature about self-esteem.
I hope you can work through this. You're going to college to make something of yourself educationally. You do the mental adjustment at the same time.
Hugs, Kathy
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