Sober House?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 23
Sober House?
Hi all- it's been about a month since I posted about my situation with my AH. I've been working a lot on detaching from my AH and trying not to get to wrapped up in the sobriety guessing game. I've read "Codependent No More" and have been attending weekly Al-Anon meetings.
Well, after two months of sobriety he relapsed on Christmas Eve. Of course he lied about how much, how long , etc. which ended up coming out later, but it was just that one day. We had made a "relapse plan" at the advice of the counselor of his care program, which was for me to leave until he was sober and for him to let his IOP counselors know within 48 hrs. He did all of this and has been doing everything right, but isn't that always the case once people mess up? Perfection to try and win everyone back.
However, I know I cannot live with him for a while- I'm beginning to forget what a healthy relationship should be and I'm starting to doubt my gut/instincts. I mean, I believed when he initially said he only had one drink! That's absurd and I can't believe I bought it...
Anyway, we spoke today about living options (we both have family in the area) and he took some time to think it through. He went to a meeting, talked to his sponsor and is going to look into a Sober House. He thinks that living with his parents is a bad idea (I agree) and living by himself will be too much alone time.
I'm wondering what anyone's thoughts are on this situation? I worry about him living at our home alone as he tends to get into his own head when he's alone too much and of course I would like to stay in our house instead. To me this seems like a pretty good option, but I'm not very familiar with the idea of a sober house and how long this could last? I'm hoping by spending time apart we can both learn to be healthier people by ourselves and then see if being together is the best thing.
Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated! I hope everyone has had a wonderful New Years Day!
Well, after two months of sobriety he relapsed on Christmas Eve. Of course he lied about how much, how long , etc. which ended up coming out later, but it was just that one day. We had made a "relapse plan" at the advice of the counselor of his care program, which was for me to leave until he was sober and for him to let his IOP counselors know within 48 hrs. He did all of this and has been doing everything right, but isn't that always the case once people mess up? Perfection to try and win everyone back.
However, I know I cannot live with him for a while- I'm beginning to forget what a healthy relationship should be and I'm starting to doubt my gut/instincts. I mean, I believed when he initially said he only had one drink! That's absurd and I can't believe I bought it...
Anyway, we spoke today about living options (we both have family in the area) and he took some time to think it through. He went to a meeting, talked to his sponsor and is going to look into a Sober House. He thinks that living with his parents is a bad idea (I agree) and living by himself will be too much alone time.
I'm wondering what anyone's thoughts are on this situation? I worry about him living at our home alone as he tends to get into his own head when he's alone too much and of course I would like to stay in our house instead. To me this seems like a pretty good option, but I'm not very familiar with the idea of a sober house and how long this could last? I'm hoping by spending time apart we can both learn to be healthier people by ourselves and then see if being together is the best thing.
Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated! I hope everyone has had a wonderful New Years Day!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Carter.
My brother went to a sober house after forced detox several years ago.
It was group home style.
He didn’t like sharing a room, and he was probably the highest functioning person there.
Needless to say, he hated it.
He had lived with my mom for years until his drinking got so bad that he had a withdrawal related seizure, which led to hospital detox, then the sober house.
Gotta say, the staff at the sober house kept him sober and took good care of him.
He got healthy and his head got clear.
I say, God bless the people who run sober houses.
Now, my situation is different than yours in that my brother never wanted to get sober. He never felt that he had a problem.
Still doesn’t.
It sounds like your spouse is trying to achieve sobriety.
Sober houses differ. They aren’t all group style.
I think it could be a good thing for your husband to do.
I hope others weigh in with their experiences soon.
Good luck.
My brother went to a sober house after forced detox several years ago.
It was group home style.
He didn’t like sharing a room, and he was probably the highest functioning person there.
Needless to say, he hated it.
He had lived with my mom for years until his drinking got so bad that he had a withdrawal related seizure, which led to hospital detox, then the sober house.
Gotta say, the staff at the sober house kept him sober and took good care of him.
He got healthy and his head got clear.
I say, God bless the people who run sober houses.
Now, my situation is different than yours in that my brother never wanted to get sober. He never felt that he had a problem.
Still doesn’t.
It sounds like your spouse is trying to achieve sobriety.
Sober houses differ. They aren’t all group style.
I think it could be a good thing for your husband to do.
I hope others weigh in with their experiences soon.
Good luck.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Carter....for a couple of years...my husband and I owned a sober house---called an Oxford House. (You can google it and see their website). There are oxford houses all over the country.
The one we had was for men. We owned the house...but, Oxford House actually ran it.
I was very impressed. Most of the residents did very well. They were screened, prior to residency for their level of commitment to sobriety.....They stayed various amounts of time....usually, 3 mo. was the shortest time. For the single men...a year to a year and a half was more typical. AA was an integral part of the program.
Not all sober houses are the same....so, you will have to do some homework to select a place.
I think a sober house sounds like a good idea.
The one we had was for men. We owned the house...but, Oxford House actually ran it.
I was very impressed. Most of the residents did very well. They were screened, prior to residency for their level of commitment to sobriety.....They stayed various amounts of time....usually, 3 mo. was the shortest time. For the single men...a year to a year and a half was more typical. AA was an integral part of the program.
Not all sober houses are the same....so, you will have to do some homework to select a place.
I think a sober house sounds like a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Yeah, sober houses will only accept sober people.
It was kind of a miracle that the sober house I speak of accepted my sib.
Having been through detox, he was technically sober, but not at all committed to staying that way.
I actually found the sober house and interviewed them on his behalf.
And they took him.
Now, several years down the road, and with him drinking more than ever, I doubt that would happen again.
It was kind of a miracle that the sober house I speak of accepted my sib.
Having been through detox, he was technically sober, but not at all committed to staying that way.
I actually found the sober house and interviewed them on his behalf.
And they took him.
Now, several years down the road, and with him drinking more than ever, I doubt that would happen again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 23
Thanks so much for your input! My AH is moving into the house this afternoon- it's actually an Oxford house, so I'm glad I recognized the name from this post!
While we are separated I'm hoping to have as little contact as possible- a true break from him and his mood swings/my worry. We are still meeting once a week with a counselor at his outpatient care and she suggested that we both have goals to be working toward during this time apart.
I'm having some trouble coming up with goals for myself. One thing I know I want to work on is not being sucked into his bad moods- he's been very cold and distant toward me for the past day or so leading up to his move. I hope to learn skills to detach from that feeling when it happens. I'm going to be seeing a counselor on my own, going to Al-Anon, working out, and doing things I enjoy without worry. Does anyone have experience creating these types of goals for your own recovery?
Thanks!
While we are separated I'm hoping to have as little contact as possible- a true break from him and his mood swings/my worry. We are still meeting once a week with a counselor at his outpatient care and she suggested that we both have goals to be working toward during this time apart.
I'm having some trouble coming up with goals for myself. One thing I know I want to work on is not being sucked into his bad moods- he's been very cold and distant toward me for the past day or so leading up to his move. I hope to learn skills to detach from that feeling when it happens. I'm going to be seeing a counselor on my own, going to Al-Anon, working out, and doing things I enjoy without worry. Does anyone have experience creating these types of goals for your own recovery?
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I think that being away from the addict drama and moods will be enormously helpful.
For me, it was important to keep in mind that I was not in control of someone else’s behavior.
That was and is very freeing for me.
Good luck.
For me, it was important to keep in mind that I was not in control of someone else’s behavior.
That was and is very freeing for me.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Glad he checked in
On a side note - “hating it” and “being more functional than the rest” are exactly the excuses XAH came up with when he ditched the sober house idea - and his family who took him there supported it. Did not work out too well for him (or them)
In my mind, sober houses are not supposed to be comfortable or lofty, or give any freedom for anything whatsoever. Most require meeting attendance and have connections with local businesses to keep the folks working.
And yes - being away from drama is sure refreshing. The happiest time my life - when XAH moved out for good. And that was with DS being sick and me struggling with arranging childcare etc
On a side note - “hating it” and “being more functional than the rest” are exactly the excuses XAH came up with when he ditched the sober house idea - and his family who took him there supported it. Did not work out too well for him (or them)
In my mind, sober houses are not supposed to be comfortable or lofty, or give any freedom for anything whatsoever. Most require meeting attendance and have connections with local businesses to keep the folks working.
And yes - being away from drama is sure refreshing. The happiest time my life - when XAH moved out for good. And that was with DS being sick and me struggling with arranging childcare etc
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 23
Nata- you're right, after he visited the house and was interviewed, he told me how much he appreciated our home. My husband has a good job and does well- thankfully it has not been impacted by his drinking YET. But, I am hoping that this time away will also help him to understand what can happen to one's life without making major changes. He needs to be held accountable by someone who is not me- hopefully himself.
I am looking forward to a calm night tonight watching the Golden Globes without keeping tabs on his whereabouts
I am looking forward to a calm night tonight watching the Golden Globes without keeping tabs on his whereabouts
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