Understood...finally
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Understood...finally
I have been telling my AH to get his own checking account and to let’s move toward getting the truck loan in his name and such for months, even before he quit drinking - but he probably doesn’t remember those conversations.
Last night I think I finally got through to him that this marriage is ending - it actually was at the end a long time ago for me. His response? “I have a disease and you just have to have patience.” And he has been “letting” me do what I need to do. “Letting” me? What? I went for dinner with a friend after that conversation and on the way to dinner I get a call from my step daughter, whom AH called I assume right after I left. Well she is supporting me doing what I have to do to be happy. So that was a relief as he always threatened in the past that he would “take” my kids away from me (they are all my step children and all adults in their late 20’s/early 30’s). I stayed with him so long because I didn’t want to lose my family - as my family of origin is a completely (messed up) different story.
We are supposed to do Christmas with the kids this Sunday. Don’t know that that is going to happen, as far as I am concerned I still want them all to come over. But we will see.
So now that he gets it he has turned to complete ice. So cold that it is almost scary. And again, reminded this morning that he has a disease and he is focusing everything on staying sober. Well, good for him. And I am going to move on with my life. Why do I feel so guilty about doing that? I get really happy when I think about living my life without all of the drama of all of this, of living and actually “being” instead of reacting to his actions all the time or following him around to ensure he isn’t doing something like blowing up or starting the house on fire.
I truly do not believe he cares about me or my life. All conversations swing back around to being about him and his sickness. My life, hopes, dreams don’t matter and are never discussed. I can’t talk to him about anything that has to do with my job, or my fears or anything. Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be about? Two people that are there for each other?
Well, at the end of the day, he finally gets it and our marriage ending is my fault, I guess. <sigh>
Last night I think I finally got through to him that this marriage is ending - it actually was at the end a long time ago for me. His response? “I have a disease and you just have to have patience.” And he has been “letting” me do what I need to do. “Letting” me? What? I went for dinner with a friend after that conversation and on the way to dinner I get a call from my step daughter, whom AH called I assume right after I left. Well she is supporting me doing what I have to do to be happy. So that was a relief as he always threatened in the past that he would “take” my kids away from me (they are all my step children and all adults in their late 20’s/early 30’s). I stayed with him so long because I didn’t want to lose my family - as my family of origin is a completely (messed up) different story.
We are supposed to do Christmas with the kids this Sunday. Don’t know that that is going to happen, as far as I am concerned I still want them all to come over. But we will see.
So now that he gets it he has turned to complete ice. So cold that it is almost scary. And again, reminded this morning that he has a disease and he is focusing everything on staying sober. Well, good for him. And I am going to move on with my life. Why do I feel so guilty about doing that? I get really happy when I think about living my life without all of the drama of all of this, of living and actually “being” instead of reacting to his actions all the time or following him around to ensure he isn’t doing something like blowing up or starting the house on fire.
I truly do not believe he cares about me or my life. All conversations swing back around to being about him and his sickness. My life, hopes, dreams don’t matter and are never discussed. I can’t talk to him about anything that has to do with my job, or my fears or anything. Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be about? Two people that are there for each other?
Well, at the end of the day, he finally gets it and our marriage ending is my fault, I guess. <sigh>
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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I feel like we are in eerily similar places relationship-wise right now. My AH says he hasn't had a drink since November, and I guess I believe him but I no longer really care - which is to say, I care that he gets better, I hope he does, for himself, but I'm done regardless.
And while I haven't said those exact words to him (I am afraid he could relapse and act out and I am not ready to deal with that - I know I can't control him, and keeping this information from him feels like I am trying to control him, so I am working on that), I can feel him starting to understand, and his attitude toward me has been turning. He started off (after the drunken abuse and ranting ended the night I left) all apologies and accepting responsibility and making promises. Then I didn't come back and it turned to wanting me to lay out all my plans, sort out our bills with him, separate our things, and give my key back by the end of December. And then it's transitioned to sending me somewhat nasty messages over the holidays - asking me to help him lie to his family about what's going on, heaping more blame when I didn't do so, "I left him, I broke my marriage vows, I won't give him a chance, I don't believe in him, I hate him, I am making something out of nothing," I am throwing away 8 years together over "some bad drunken behavior." He doesn't understand and he may never understand how he has made me feel - less than, terrified, never enough, confused and unloved.
This morning I felt momentarily happy about something, an interaction that I had yesterday with a potential new friend, and then felt the avalanche of "you shouldn't feel happy" wash over me. But this time, I stopped still and thought, "You don't owe anyone your misery. You have a right to feel happy. You have a right to seek happiness. What are you afraid of? That people might judge your choices? Why do you care? No one knows what you've been through or what you need better than you do. Just get on with living your life."
That's growth, I think. But it's taken me 4 months of detaching and distancing to even get here - I still feel the guilt, I just know that it's wrong now. Now I work on edging it out and replacing it with a more useful emotion.
And while I haven't said those exact words to him (I am afraid he could relapse and act out and I am not ready to deal with that - I know I can't control him, and keeping this information from him feels like I am trying to control him, so I am working on that), I can feel him starting to understand, and his attitude toward me has been turning. He started off (after the drunken abuse and ranting ended the night I left) all apologies and accepting responsibility and making promises. Then I didn't come back and it turned to wanting me to lay out all my plans, sort out our bills with him, separate our things, and give my key back by the end of December. And then it's transitioned to sending me somewhat nasty messages over the holidays - asking me to help him lie to his family about what's going on, heaping more blame when I didn't do so, "I left him, I broke my marriage vows, I won't give him a chance, I don't believe in him, I hate him, I am making something out of nothing," I am throwing away 8 years together over "some bad drunken behavior." He doesn't understand and he may never understand how he has made me feel - less than, terrified, never enough, confused and unloved.
This morning I felt momentarily happy about something, an interaction that I had yesterday with a potential new friend, and then felt the avalanche of "you shouldn't feel happy" wash over me. But this time, I stopped still and thought, "You don't owe anyone your misery. You have a right to feel happy. You have a right to seek happiness. What are you afraid of? That people might judge your choices? Why do you care? No one knows what you've been through or what you need better than you do. Just get on with living your life."
That's growth, I think. But it's taken me 4 months of detaching and distancing to even get here - I still feel the guilt, I just know that it's wrong now. Now I work on edging it out and replacing it with a more useful emotion.
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I really don't know anyone who has left an addict that the addict has stepped up and said yes, I see that my behavior ended things. It's always blame, blame, deny, blame. Don't feed into it.
He is focusing on his sobriety. Wonderful. You are focusing on YOU, and your happiness. Even more wonderful.
In other words, he is quacking. You have a choice to get upset and let if affect your well being, or see it for what it is and ignore it.
How much longer do you have to be in the same home?
Big hugs!
He is focusing on his sobriety. Wonderful. You are focusing on YOU, and your happiness. Even more wonderful.
In other words, he is quacking. You have a choice to get upset and let if affect your well being, or see it for what it is and ignore it.
How much longer do you have to be in the same home?
Big hugs!
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Scary Time....it has been said, that, if you want to see where an alcoholic is, in relation to their recovery....just tell them "no"....about anything!
He is likely to use this as an excuse to resume drinking...while blaming you, all the while....I hope not...but, it wouldn't be unusual....
He is likely to use this as an excuse to resume drinking...while blaming you, all the while....I hope not...but, it wouldn't be unusual....
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Yes, glenl, your situation sounds VERY similar. I am doing my best to self talk and to work the first step of letting go of control- which I never had to begin with. I talk to him and end up breaking down and bawling because I think I keep looking for something left, anything as far as care or compassion and every time I get nothing and my heart breaks all over again.
We are going to “talk” tomorrow about the financials, so any advice on keeping my cool and focused is certainly appreciated.
Since this is so very early into the logistics, I fear we will have to remain in the same house for awhile still.
He just sent me a text that he won’t be home tonight until late and that he is heartbroken, lonely, scared. And just where does he think that I have been for the last few years.
Everyone sure was right that this disease only progresses and stomps on everything in its path.
I just can’t wait around any longer or shoulder ALL of the responsibility and blame.
I would rather go through mitigation than an attorney if we discover we can’t agree on stuff. But my support system (close friends, certainly not family) have all advised I get an attorney - which I cannot afford...
We are going to “talk” tomorrow about the financials, so any advice on keeping my cool and focused is certainly appreciated.
Since this is so very early into the logistics, I fear we will have to remain in the same house for awhile still.
He just sent me a text that he won’t be home tonight until late and that he is heartbroken, lonely, scared. And just where does he think that I have been for the last few years.
Everyone sure was right that this disease only progresses and stomps on everything in its path.
I just can’t wait around any longer or shoulder ALL of the responsibility and blame.
I would rather go through mitigation than an attorney if we discover we can’t agree on stuff. But my support system (close friends, certainly not family) have all advised I get an attorney - which I cannot afford...
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Originally Posted by ScaryTime 
Yes, glenl, your situation sounds VERY similar. I am doing my best to self talk and to work the first step of letting go of control- which I never had to begin with. I talk to him and end up breaking down and bawling because I think I keep looking for something left, anything as far as care or compassion and every time I get nothing and my heart breaks all over again.
We are going to “talk” tomorrow about the financials, so any advice on keeping my cool and focused is certainly appreciated.
Since this is so very early into the logistics, I fear we will have to remain in the same house for awhile still.
He just sent me a text that he won’t be home tonight until late and that he is heartbroken, lonely, scared. And just where does he think that I have been for the last few years.
Everyone sure was right that this disease only progresses and stomps on everything in its path.
I just can’t wait around any longer or shoulder ALL of the responsibility and blame.
I would rather go through mitigation than an attorney if we discover we can’t agree on stuff. But my support system (close friends, certainly not family) have all advised I get an attorney - which I cannot afford...
We are going to “talk” tomorrow about the financials, so any advice on keeping my cool and focused is certainly appreciated.
Since this is so very early into the logistics, I fear we will have to remain in the same house for awhile still.
He just sent me a text that he won’t be home tonight until late and that he is heartbroken, lonely, scared. And just where does he think that I have been for the last few years.
Everyone sure was right that this disease only progresses and stomps on everything in its path.
I just can’t wait around any longer or shoulder ALL of the responsibility and blame.
I would rather go through mitigation than an attorney if we discover we can’t agree on stuff. But my support system (close friends, certainly not family) have all advised I get an attorney - which I cannot afford...
I don't know how you can talk face to face and keep your composure, your cool, etc. I can't. We've seen each other once since I left and it was an accident and I left immediately (not wordlessly, I said I couldn't be there and had to leave and then I did). I would just keep trying to remember that just because someone else says something, doesn't mean it's true. And just because someone makes you feel something, doesn't mean that it's okay. And maybe that's enough to get through the moment.
I am holding out hope that AH will end up agreeing to an easy divorce once the conversation happens officially - in our state and county you can file jointly with a pre-arranged agreement and then you basically just wait and it becomes final automatically - we have no kids, no house, just a couple of cars and not much else, which makes it potentially easier.
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"Well, at the end of the day, he finally gets it and our marriage ending is my fault, I guess. <sigh>"
^^^ Hey some of us here see your marriage ending as due to your virtue/strength/courage/wisdom but absolutely NOT your fault!
^^^ Hey some of us here see your marriage ending as due to your virtue/strength/courage/wisdom but absolutely NOT your fault!
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Well that discussion didn’t go like I thought it would. AH is unwilling to give up the house but has no problem if I leave and take the dogs-all three of them. I know he cannot afford to buy me out.
I don’t think anything is going to happen as far as a separation either, he refuses to leave and get an apartment or anything.
And then hits me with - he is at the step where he ‘makes amends’. I don’t feel he is at that step. He is still just as selfish and condescending as he always has been.
I don’t think anything is going to happen as far as a separation either, he refuses to leave and get an apartment or anything.
And then hits me with - he is at the step where he ‘makes amends’. I don’t feel he is at that step. He is still just as selfish and condescending as he always has been.
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Sounds like lawyer time, sorry to say.
If he can't buy you out, it may not be in your best interest to move
until you find out how to protect your assets--that's of course not an option
if you no longer feel safe, however. . .
If he can't buy you out, it may not be in your best interest to move
until you find out how to protect your assets--that's of course not an option
if you no longer feel safe, however. . .
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I don’t really know what to think after the conversation today. He was very cold and calculating today at the same time saying he was at the step of “making amends”. Yes I fear you are right....lawyer.... I just hate this. I don’t so much feel lost anymore but more like I know what I need to do and hate like hell that I have to do it. And he is still blaming me-saying I am the one that wants this and quack quack quack.... how can he not see through his own BS???? Or how can he STILL think that I am so stupid that I can’t see through it? I absolutely despise him right now at this moment!
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Scary Time.....I don't know if I gave you this link, before...but, here it is...
It might help you organize your thoughts......
www.womansdivorce.com
It might help you organize your thoughts......
www.womansdivorce.com
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Scary Time.....I don't know if I gave you this link, before...but, here it is...
It might help you organize your thoughts......
www.womansdivorce.com
It might help you organize your thoughts......
www.womansdivorce.com
And thank you everyone for everything! I know a lot of you have been or are now at this point and my heart aches for all of us that find ourselves in this situation. I have a perpetual headache and I cannot seem to keep anything in my stomach...everything goes right through me. I need to take care of myself I know... so now I am thinking meditation? Anyone have any good books and/or videos on how to meditate? I just want to find some peace at least while he is at his meetings or whatever, and get rid of this headache.
Peace to you all!
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a lot of headaches are actually due to being dehydrated. so water up! a nice hot shower pounding on the back of the skull/neck can do wonders.
your AH's initial responses are not THAT surprising.....basically he's hearing: it's over, pack your stuff and go. and he's saying: like hell i will!
i know you say you can't afford an attorney....i'd argue you can't afford NOT to. this would be a good time to sit down and really examine the finances and assets. can either of you afford to maintain the home and mortgage on a single income? if you are both on the mortgage, the only way to get one name removed is to sell or refinance. that is different that the deed, which can be relinquished via a quit claim deed. but the BANK doesn't care - they won't just use a sharpie and redact one name.
what about other assets? vehicles? RV? retirement? is spousal support a consideration EITHER way? are you in a community property state? there is much to be considered when divorcing...do your homework!
your AH's initial responses are not THAT surprising.....basically he's hearing: it's over, pack your stuff and go. and he's saying: like hell i will!
i know you say you can't afford an attorney....i'd argue you can't afford NOT to. this would be a good time to sit down and really examine the finances and assets. can either of you afford to maintain the home and mortgage on a single income? if you are both on the mortgage, the only way to get one name removed is to sell or refinance. that is different that the deed, which can be relinquished via a quit claim deed. but the BANK doesn't care - they won't just use a sharpie and redact one name.
what about other assets? vehicles? RV? retirement? is spousal support a consideration EITHER way? are you in a community property state? there is much to be considered when divorcing...do your homework!
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
a lot of headaches are actually due to being dehydrated. so water up! a nice hot shower pounding on the back of the skull/neck can do wonders.
your AH's initial responses are not THAT surprising.....basically he's hearing: it's over, pack your stuff and go. and he's saying: like hell i will!
i know you say you can't afford an attorney....i'd argue you can't afford NOT to. this would be a good time to sit down and really examine the finances and assets. can either of you afford to maintain the home and mortgage on a single income? if you are both on the mortgage, the only way to get one name removed is to sell or refinance. that is different that the deed, which can be relinquished via a quit claim deed. but the BANK doesn't care - they won't just use a sharpie and redact one name.
what about other assets? vehicles? RV? retirement? is spousal support a consideration EITHER way? are you in a community property state? there is much to be considered when divorcing...do your homework!
your AH's initial responses are not THAT surprising.....basically he's hearing: it's over, pack your stuff and go. and he's saying: like hell i will!
i know you say you can't afford an attorney....i'd argue you can't afford NOT to. this would be a good time to sit down and really examine the finances and assets. can either of you afford to maintain the home and mortgage on a single income? if you are both on the mortgage, the only way to get one name removed is to sell or refinance. that is different that the deed, which can be relinquished via a quit claim deed. but the BANK doesn't care - they won't just use a sharpie and redact one name.
what about other assets? vehicles? RV? retirement? is spousal support a consideration EITHER way? are you in a community property state? there is much to be considered when divorcing...do your homework!
We have agreed to re evaluate in a couple of months and I have a lot of family coming in August that are planning on staying here for a family members wedding. I figure (provided nothing else happens) that this will give me time to get some bills paid down and some money for a different place when that time comes.
I am going to also consult a lawyer next week and see just what I should and shouldn’t do....
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Originally Posted by ScaryTime
Now that I think about it you are right. And now that I step back and look at the big picture I probably don’t even want the house. Let him have it... although he cannot afford to buy me out I know that so it will end up on the market I fear.
We have agreed to re evaluate in a couple of months and I have a lot of family coming in August that are planning on staying here for a family members wedding. I figure (provided nothing else happens) that this will give me time to get some bills paid down and some money for a different place when that time comes.
I am going to also consult a lawyer next week and see just what I should and shouldn’t do....
We have agreed to re evaluate in a couple of months and I have a lot of family coming in August that are planning on staying here for a family members wedding. I figure (provided nothing else happens) that this will give me time to get some bills paid down and some money for a different place when that time comes.
I am going to also consult a lawyer next week and see just what I should and shouldn’t do....
A solid credit rating is the name of the game these days.
Don't put yours in the hands of an an active alcoholic.
I'm glad you are checking with a lawyer.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
August is a long long way off.........
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