"NOT THIS" moments
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
"NOT THIS" moments
I just got down to this post on the Classic Reading list and it resonated with me in a huge way.
I had a lot of NOT THIS moments over the past couple of years.
I left one job that I hated (for another that I ended up hating - same job, different place, who could've predicted that!), then another, because I just couldn't do it anymore. It took me almost 10 years to give up that career, because it was such a central part of my "everything is fine and normal" disguise that I had on at all times.
I stopped treating my body like a trash can and started eating right and practicing better self-care - I was in the woods on a camping trip (no AH since he hates the outdoors, something else we never had in common) and was eating wonderful, healthy meals with my best friend and when I got back I said NOT THIS to all of my old habits (fast food, takeout, junk food, emotional eating, overeating all the time, etc) and haven't looked back.
And so many times, I had the backbeat of NOT THIS NOT THIS NOT THIS in my marriage. Before we were married, even. I refused to listen to it for a long time, refused to accept it, refused to accept reality.
Not anymore. Magical thinking is on my NOT THIS list, big time.
What about you?
Dear Ones -
Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly...which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place.
Maybe we will have to admit that we are in the wrong job. Or the wrong relationship. With the wrong people around us. Living in the wrong neighborhood. Acting out on the wrong behaviors. Using the wrong substances. Pretending to believe things that we no longer believe. Pretending to be something we were never meant to be.
This moment of realization is seldom fun. In fact, it's usually terrifying.
I call this moment of realization: NOT THIS.
Because sometimes that's all you know, at such a moment.
All you know is: NOT THIS.
Sometimes that's all you CAN know.
All you know is that some deep life force within you is saying, NOT THIS, and it won't be silenced.
Your body is saying: "NOT THIS."
Your heart is saying: "NOT THIS."
Your soul is saying: "NOT THIS."
But your brain can't bring itself to say "NOT THIS", because that would cause a serious problem. The problem is: You don't have a Plan B in place. This is the only life you have. This is the only job you have. This is the only spouse you have. This is the only house you have. Your brain says, "It may not be great, but we have to put up with it, because there are no other options." You're not sure how you got here — to this place of THIS — but you sure as hell don't know how to get out...
So your brain says: "WE NEED TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE."
But still, beating like a quiet drum, your body and your heart and your soul keep saying: NOT THIS...NOT THIS...NOT THIS.
I think some of the bravest people I have ever met were people who had the courage to say the words, "NOT THIS" outloud — even before they had an alternative plan.
People who walked out of bad situations without knowing if there was a better situation on the horizon.
People who looked at the life they were in, and they said, "I don't know what my life is supposed to be...but it's NOT THIS." And then they just...left.
I think my friend who walked out of a marriage after less than a year, and had to move back in with her mother (back into her childhood bedroom), and face the condemnation of the entire community while she slowly created a new life for herself. Everyone said, "If he's not good enough for you, who will be?" She didn't know. She didn't know anything about what her life would look like now. But it started with her saying: NOT THIS.
I think of my friend who took her three young children away from a toxic marriage, despite that fact that her husband supported her and the kids financially...and the four of them (this woman and her three children) all slept in one bed together in a tiny studio apartment for a few years, while she struggled to build a new life. She was poor, she was scared, she was alone. But she had to listen to the voices within her that said, NOT THIS.
I think of friends who walked out of jobs — with no job waiting for them. Because they said NOT THIS.
I think of friends who quit school, rather than keep pretending that they cared about this field of study anymore. And yes, they lost the scholarship. And yes, they ended up working at a fast food restaurant, while everyone else was getting degrees. And yes, it took them a while to figure out where to go next. But there was a relief at last in just surrendering to the holy, non-negotiable truth of NOT THIS.
I think of friends who bravely walked into AA meetings and just fell apart in front of a room full of total strangers, and said, NOT THIS.
I think of a friend who pulled her children out of Sunday School in the middle of church one Sunday because she'd had it with the judgment and self-righteousness of this particular church. Yes, it was her community. Yes, it was her tribe. But she physically couldn't be in that building anymore without feeling that she would explode. She didn't know where she was going, spiritually or within her community, but she said, NOT THIS. And walked out.
Rationally, it's crazy to abandon a perfectly good life (or at least a familiar life) in order to jump into a mystery. No sane person would advise you to make such a leap, with no Plan B in place. We are supposed to be careful. We are supposed to be prudent.
And yet....
And yet.
If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don't know what to do, instead...you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.
You don't need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong.
The bravest thing to say can be these two words.
What comes next?
I don't know. You don't know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is...? It's NOT THIS.
ONWARD,
LG
Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly...which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place.
Maybe we will have to admit that we are in the wrong job. Or the wrong relationship. With the wrong people around us. Living in the wrong neighborhood. Acting out on the wrong behaviors. Using the wrong substances. Pretending to believe things that we no longer believe. Pretending to be something we were never meant to be.
This moment of realization is seldom fun. In fact, it's usually terrifying.
I call this moment of realization: NOT THIS.
Because sometimes that's all you know, at such a moment.
All you know is: NOT THIS.
Sometimes that's all you CAN know.
All you know is that some deep life force within you is saying, NOT THIS, and it won't be silenced.
Your body is saying: "NOT THIS."
Your heart is saying: "NOT THIS."
Your soul is saying: "NOT THIS."
But your brain can't bring itself to say "NOT THIS", because that would cause a serious problem. The problem is: You don't have a Plan B in place. This is the only life you have. This is the only job you have. This is the only spouse you have. This is the only house you have. Your brain says, "It may not be great, but we have to put up with it, because there are no other options." You're not sure how you got here — to this place of THIS — but you sure as hell don't know how to get out...
So your brain says: "WE NEED TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE."
But still, beating like a quiet drum, your body and your heart and your soul keep saying: NOT THIS...NOT THIS...NOT THIS.
I think some of the bravest people I have ever met were people who had the courage to say the words, "NOT THIS" outloud — even before they had an alternative plan.
People who walked out of bad situations without knowing if there was a better situation on the horizon.
People who looked at the life they were in, and they said, "I don't know what my life is supposed to be...but it's NOT THIS." And then they just...left.
I think my friend who walked out of a marriage after less than a year, and had to move back in with her mother (back into her childhood bedroom), and face the condemnation of the entire community while she slowly created a new life for herself. Everyone said, "If he's not good enough for you, who will be?" She didn't know. She didn't know anything about what her life would look like now. But it started with her saying: NOT THIS.
I think of my friend who took her three young children away from a toxic marriage, despite that fact that her husband supported her and the kids financially...and the four of them (this woman and her three children) all slept in one bed together in a tiny studio apartment for a few years, while she struggled to build a new life. She was poor, she was scared, she was alone. But she had to listen to the voices within her that said, NOT THIS.
I think of friends who walked out of jobs — with no job waiting for them. Because they said NOT THIS.
I think of friends who quit school, rather than keep pretending that they cared about this field of study anymore. And yes, they lost the scholarship. And yes, they ended up working at a fast food restaurant, while everyone else was getting degrees. And yes, it took them a while to figure out where to go next. But there was a relief at last in just surrendering to the holy, non-negotiable truth of NOT THIS.
I think of friends who bravely walked into AA meetings and just fell apart in front of a room full of total strangers, and said, NOT THIS.
I think of a friend who pulled her children out of Sunday School in the middle of church one Sunday because she'd had it with the judgment and self-righteousness of this particular church. Yes, it was her community. Yes, it was her tribe. But she physically couldn't be in that building anymore without feeling that she would explode. She didn't know where she was going, spiritually or within her community, but she said, NOT THIS. And walked out.
Rationally, it's crazy to abandon a perfectly good life (or at least a familiar life) in order to jump into a mystery. No sane person would advise you to make such a leap, with no Plan B in place. We are supposed to be careful. We are supposed to be prudent.
And yet....
And yet.
If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don't know what to do, instead...you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.
You don't need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong.
The bravest thing to say can be these two words.
What comes next?
I don't know. You don't know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is...? It's NOT THIS.
ONWARD,
LG
I left one job that I hated (for another that I ended up hating - same job, different place, who could've predicted that!), then another, because I just couldn't do it anymore. It took me almost 10 years to give up that career, because it was such a central part of my "everything is fine and normal" disguise that I had on at all times.
I stopped treating my body like a trash can and started eating right and practicing better self-care - I was in the woods on a camping trip (no AH since he hates the outdoors, something else we never had in common) and was eating wonderful, healthy meals with my best friend and when I got back I said NOT THIS to all of my old habits (fast food, takeout, junk food, emotional eating, overeating all the time, etc) and haven't looked back.
And so many times, I had the backbeat of NOT THIS NOT THIS NOT THIS in my marriage. Before we were married, even. I refused to listen to it for a long time, refused to accept it, refused to accept reality.
Not anymore. Magical thinking is on my NOT THIS list, big time.
What about you?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Aww that "NOT THIS" piece helped me so much - I've even sent it to several friends going through things similar to all of us, and they have all said it's been a pivotal piece in helping them.
There were so many NOT THIS moments for me.
Every time he called me an awful name
When he showed up to Christmas with my family loaded
When every home project he attempted was messed up because he was drunk
Everytime I looked out the window to see him mowing the lawn with vodka in hand
When I would hide out in the bedroom to avoid him
When I would sit in the driveway and cry because I didn't want to go inside when I got home from work
and so many more.
Our lives were meant for so much more than that stuff!
There were so many NOT THIS moments for me.
Every time he called me an awful name
When he showed up to Christmas with my family loaded
When every home project he attempted was messed up because he was drunk
Everytime I looked out the window to see him mowing the lawn with vodka in hand
When I would hide out in the bedroom to avoid him
When I would sit in the driveway and cry because I didn't want to go inside when I got home from work
and so many more.
Our lives were meant for so much more than that stuff!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Thanks for posting this. It resonated with me.
Not this moments for me:
*When I avoided going home and would sit in a restaurant, cafe, or park reading and crying.
*When I woke up at 2, 3, 4 o'clock in the morning and wandered around looking for him because I was afraid he was passed out somewhere, and then I would be under-slept for the rest of the day.
*When I lent him money, over and over, and even though he said he would pay it back, he would pay me back and say, "I need to borrow more cause I'm giving this to you and I don't have enough".
*When I wanted to call him during the day for any reason, and his phone was off, not with him, or he was too high to answer it... or who knows what.
*When I knew that I would never be able to count on him for anything at anytime... because our lives depended on me picking up the detritus of the results of his drug use.
*When I had to avoid going out anywhere socially or anywhere important, because he would have an episode of "depression" before such events.
*When I was being harassed or similarly attacked by his "friends", and he let them do it because he said, "that guy's useful to me".
*When, after I discussed rehab options, he blamed me for his choice to abuse drugs, even though he had abused drugs long before we had met.
*When he said that there are "two sides to every incident of domestic violence".
*When he started attacking random strangers who disagreed with his point of view... and wanted me to tell him that he was right and they were wrong.
*When he started thinking that public nudity was OK.
*When I found out that the depth of his lies were so incredible, if I went searching for the end, I would never come up for air.
*When he was abusive towards my parents.
There are so many worse "not this" incidents, but I can't post them here because... it's just too much.
Not this moments for me:
*When I avoided going home and would sit in a restaurant, cafe, or park reading and crying.
*When I woke up at 2, 3, 4 o'clock in the morning and wandered around looking for him because I was afraid he was passed out somewhere, and then I would be under-slept for the rest of the day.
*When I lent him money, over and over, and even though he said he would pay it back, he would pay me back and say, "I need to borrow more cause I'm giving this to you and I don't have enough".
*When I wanted to call him during the day for any reason, and his phone was off, not with him, or he was too high to answer it... or who knows what.
*When I knew that I would never be able to count on him for anything at anytime... because our lives depended on me picking up the detritus of the results of his drug use.
*When I had to avoid going out anywhere socially or anywhere important, because he would have an episode of "depression" before such events.
*When I was being harassed or similarly attacked by his "friends", and he let them do it because he said, "that guy's useful to me".
*When, after I discussed rehab options, he blamed me for his choice to abuse drugs, even though he had abused drugs long before we had met.
*When he said that there are "two sides to every incident of domestic violence".
*When he started attacking random strangers who disagreed with his point of view... and wanted me to tell him that he was right and they were wrong.
*When he started thinking that public nudity was OK.
*When I found out that the depth of his lies were so incredible, if I went searching for the end, I would never come up for air.
*When he was abusive towards my parents.
There are so many worse "not this" incidents, but I can't post them here because... it's just too much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Oh man, the not wanting to go home. Staying late at work even though you don't need to. Sitting in the car outside "listening to something interesting on the radio" because going in makes you stomach turn. I do not miss that one bit.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I've had many not this moment over the past few years. :-
Not this to putting up with my life with exah
not this to being bullied by some of my adult kids
not this to drama from so called friends
not this to abuse from my father
not this to being put on by people cos am willing
Latest not this :-
realising I do not deserve to be miserable and sad while doing things for others all the time who have no regard for me or care of me. Who never invite me to visit, send me even a Christmas cards or acknowledge I exist unless I am helping them. After spend Christmas totally alone with my two sons I emailed various people and said no more. It was freeing and scary at the same time. I have a clean slate. The New Year is mine to forge as I wish. Last night I spent it on the streets with my team of people who help homeless and addicts. I came home at 3.30 am buzzing. My not this is doing what I am passionate about not what is boring, depressing and grinding me down so not that comes into play too
Not this to putting up with my life with exah
not this to being bullied by some of my adult kids
not this to drama from so called friends
not this to abuse from my father
not this to being put on by people cos am willing
Latest not this :-
realising I do not deserve to be miserable and sad while doing things for others all the time who have no regard for me or care of me. Who never invite me to visit, send me even a Christmas cards or acknowledge I exist unless I am helping them. After spend Christmas totally alone with my two sons I emailed various people and said no more. It was freeing and scary at the same time. I have a clean slate. The New Year is mine to forge as I wish. Last night I spent it on the streets with my team of people who help homeless and addicts. I came home at 3.30 am buzzing. My not this is doing what I am passionate about not what is boring, depressing and grinding me down so not that comes into play too
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