JustNo

Hello, all.
This is my first post, and I am feeling like I did the first time I attended and spoke in an AlAnon meeting (many years ago).
I have been married to my AH for 25 years. We married right out of high school.
At 28, after i took the children and left, he got sober. We were back together after he was sober 8 months. He was sober 9 years. Then, while simultaneously having an affair, he relapsed (for about 4 years). The drinking went into overdrive. He was really making up for lost time. Bourbon was his drink of choice. There were days he couldn’t even walk. Everyone in the home would shut themselves in their rooms. Our house was silent. I have never been so lonely in my life.
After a family intervention and 30 days in rehab, he found his sobriety again.
At least that’s what I hoped. Well, it’s been just over a year. I walked in from work today to find him cooking dinner. I immediately noticed the familiar slurred speech, the dodgy eyes, and of course the ever-popular unintelligible conversation. My heart is heavy for my boys. I am so sad. The short-lived joy is over.
What now?

amy55

Hi JustNo,

Wanted to welcome to our family here.

I was married for over 25 years before I left, so I do know how change is hard.

How are you doing, how are you holding up? How old are your boys?

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

dandylion

JustNo.....what are your plans? I am sure that you must have known, by now, that relapse is always possible.....and, you have thought of how your would handle it when if it happened.....?

JustNo

Thank you for the kind words and hugs.
I wish I could say that I have a plan. I don’t. I knew this could happen. Heck, I assumed it eventually would. But, I have this way of putting these kind of things on the shelf and hoping I never have to deal with them.
Between me and the boys yesterday, we just shared looks of concern and sadness. I spoke to my 21-year old about it. He wanted to know what I will do. More of a “how will you help him” not “will you leave”.
I’m wondering if I should reach out to my AH’s sponsor. What do you guys think?

SparkleKitty

I think you should leave his recovery to him, and take extra good care of yourself right now. I'm very sorry this happened.

tomls

I agree completely with sparkle kitty.Thank you for posting.

glenl

I am so sorry you are going through this. *hugs*

This is my greatest fear any time I entertain the idea that we might get back together some day - I can't stomach the thought that I could wake up in another 2, 5, 10 years to this all happening again. And then I wouldn't be 8 years in - I'd be 10, 13, 18 years in... time is all we have in this life. It's the only thing there is.

dandylion

JustNo....From my point of view...I don't think it would hurt to contact his sponsor....and, there is no garantee that it will make any difference, either.
If you do...DON'T HANG YOUR HOPE ON IT.

I do think that you should absolutely get back to alanon meetings right away....and take the boys with you....

You can't live on hope, alone. And, love is not enough, either.
By now, you know that relapse is only one drink away for an alcoholic....

From what you write, it appears like you may be co-dependent...as well as your boys...if they are looking to you to "help him".
He is the one to help himself. It has to come from within him...

It is your task to decide what you will and will not live with. Be mindful that your actions are a model for your boys....as much as your husband's is...

I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects of the loved ones...I hope you will take the time to read them....
Also, a book that is like a "bible", around here, is "Co-dependent No More"...you can get it on amazon.com or at the library.....I think it will resonate a lot, with you....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

atalose

The shelf has fallen off the wall, it’s time to start dealing with it.

Al-anon, counseling/therapy – for you! The time has come to STOP focusing on HIS recovery/relapse and how you can help him by contacting HIS sponsor or something else to help him. It’s time to put all that thought and energy into yourself and what you can do to help you.

JustNo

Thank you for your perspectives.
I agree that I need to go back to Al Anon. I am aware that his sobriety rests solely on him. I know that I cannot do that for him.
It has been difficult to find an active Al Anon group near me. I actually went to a scheduled meeting several months ago and no one showed up. I have the resources to find others, and I will.
Thank you all.

firebolt

(((HUGS))) to you and your family. That would be so defeating. I agree with everyone, take care of you. And maybe it's time to evaluate your feelings, what you want for your life, and formulate a plan if this is more than a slip. You deserve the BEST life!!

hopeful4

Maybe research if you have a Celebrate Recovery around you. Lots like Alanon, and saved me during some of my darkest days. Hugs!

JustNo

Thank you. I will look it up!

Clover71

I agree with this. I can "hear" in your post that you feel you should do something and also your kid(s) are looking for action. This is a loving action knowing that you can't fix it nor can the sponsor, and it will also hopefully provide relief in your mind that you did all you can do for him. It's also a good lesson for the kids. Then you have to take care of yourself.

tomsteve

i assume youre referring to anAA sponsor. in the chapter in the big book of AA, "working with others", one thing it says

If there is any indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him - usually his wife. Get an idea of his behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings. You need this information to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned.

determining whether to contact the sponsor is as simple as
check your motives.
no expectations of the outcome is a good thing,too

FeelingGreat

This might be a good time to educate the boys on alcoholism, what can be done and what can't, before their expectations get too high.
Has your AH said anything yet, or is it an elephant in the room?

Sasha1972

I am really sorry to hear about your disappointment with your husband. I agree with the other posters - do whatever would make YOU feel a bit better, without any expectation that it will affect your husband. This might mean contacting his sponsor because it would relieve your feelings, or it might mean not contacting his sponsor and letting your husband deal with it himself. From your username, it sounds like you are aware of what behavior is or isn't acceptable to you.

Your kids probably wish you could do something to help their father, but you can't, because he's the one drinking, not you. I can imagine it's hard for even adult kids in that situation to give up the wishful hope that maybe Mom can fix Dad.