Blindlove

I'll apologize now for being long winded, but it's important to provide the background. My boyfriend of 8 years had been in recovery for over a decade. I never knew the user side of him before. For various reasons, he returned to drugs. It started with Percocets, then grew to include cocaine and, occasionally, meth. He has been actively using for about a year. Throughout this time he became increasingly paranoid and convinced that I was cheating and no longer in love with him. He would have heart-wrenching breakdowns where he'd beg me to confess so we could rebuild and move on. I've NEVER been unfaithful. His delusions included auditory hallucinations. He actually would hear my "other boyfriend" telling him things we would do and how in love we were. I know my real boyfriend loves me deeply and this belief was crushing him inside. He used drugs, as he put it, "to not feel" because he couldn't handle the devestation of my loving someone else. Again, this was all in his head. The hallucinations grew to epic proportions.... At one point he texted friends and family to say goodbye as he believed my imaginary boyfriend was coming to kill him. Yet, throughout all this heartache, he always told me he didn't want to lose me. He'd forgive me. Etc etc. Oh, during this year, he also began selling drugs as a means of getting more money back for his expensive daily habit. Jump forward to this past weekend. The explosion finally occurred and the daily drug use was brought out into the open to family and close friends. Why? Because he and I had yet another talk about his needing help, what he was doing to himself and others, so on and so forth. Well, during this conversation, he admitted to me that, in the past few months, he had cheated on me with 3 other women a total of 4 times. He received oral sex in exchange for drugs.(now this was a confession that I can only assume is the whole truth but, let's face it, he hasn't exactly been honest until now.) The drug abuse, lies, and draining of finances was a hard enough issue to deal with. But infidelities to??? I'm crushed. I'm so lost. He's extremely apologetic and upset. He can swears it had nothing to do with being attracted or wanting someone else. I really don't get that. He did go to rehab the next day and I have (at least temporarily) moved out of our house. Some personal research has shown me an illness called Othello syndrome. This is an illness causing morbid jealousy and a fixed belief that one's partner is cheating. It can be caused by opioid abuse among other things. He seems to fit the bill. I guess what I'm getting at is, I'm torn. I understand his delusions have made him feel for a year the way I'm feeling now. But, his delusions weren't real, his betrayal of me is. Would you forgive in this situation? How do you know if it's worth trying? Right now it's all very fresh and I can't imagine getting the visuals out of my head to ever be intimate with him again. Please, any advice would be appreciated. I love him so much but I feel like thats maybe not enough sometimes.

biminiblue

All of that would be a dealbreaker for me. The cheating is the final nail in the coffin.

Only you know what is the best thing. Of course from where I sit it looks like you may be being given the gift of discernment and this is the time to make a clean break.

Blindlove

My logical side agrees with you 110%. My heart won't get on board. My gut says everything will be okay but won't choose a side. As I mentioned, this is all still very raw. I know time is what's needed most at this point. But, sometimes it helps to just vent and get unbiased opinions. I appreciate your input! Thank you!

SparkleKitty

His delusions are caused by the drug use, not some random event that he has literally no control over. He knows that drugs make him believe things that are not true and yet he continues to use them. Does that help your heart get in line with your head?

Blindlove

He did not realize he was delusional or that it was caused by the drug use. To him, this was all very real and my disagreement with that was just me trying to make him think he's crazy. Like the expression, "crazy people don't know they're crazy." I believe there is underlying mental illness involved as well. I've worked with people who have mental illness for most of my adult life so I know how real hallucinations can be to those suffering. I also know part of me wants to make excuses because I love him. Thank you for your input. To answer your question, no, my heart is still not on board. Maybe with time, maybe not. For now he's in rehab and I'm in wait and see.

JK130

Forgive him? Yes. And then, list all the things that you need to do to protect yourself - so that you can build a productive, satisfying, working-towards-happiness life. 8 years is a long time to support someone who is making such poor choices.

Blindlove

I want to forgive him.. Even just for my own peace of mind. I'm just not ready yet. It's only been a few days since everything came out. I'm still trying to figure out the steps to take. I want to go to the family meetings at rehab when they begin so I can be informed and educated and I want counseling but I don't have insurance right now so that'll have to wait. His addiction only began a year ago.. For 7 years everything was great. However, even a year is too long to have been going through all this. I am just still in the beginning stages of my grief, so I go back and forth over how to move forward. Do I work it out with the man I had planned to marry if he stays clean? Do I cut and run? Ugh, I just wish I could sleep for 4/5 months and wake up to some semblance of a normal life again.

SparkleKitty

His addiction only began a year ago for you. This is something he was dealing with long before he ever met you, according to your first post.

That's the reality of addiction -- it is a lifelong effort. That's important for you to understand as it will factor into your decision of whether more relapses are something you want to risk if you decide to maintain a future with him.

Blindlove

Very good point! This is exactly why I'm glad I found this forum. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees on your own.

atalose

While you were focused on his “hallucinations” and paranoia and he was out cheating, where was the focus on his drug use?

Addicts are great manipulators and deflectors. What better way to get away with bad behavior then to allow you to believe some underlying mental illness caused the cheating and not the drugs.

Your mind knows the truth your heart is in fantasyland.

HardLessons

Hi

Obviously your BF has a lot of issues going on: addiction using a powerful mixture of drugs, cheating, lying, manipulation, paranoia, delusional thinking, psychosis, etc He definitely is not in his right frame of mind. Nor is anyone using that mixture of drugs.

Add too all of the above the fact that he lives with you & is dealing drugs.

How long before the police show up at your door & arrest the both of you. Feeling badly about your relationship with your addicted BF is one thing but feeling badly about this relationship while possible sitting in jail is a whole different scenario.

Think about it - he is out of his mind & selling drugs.

I had to consider such consequences because of my relationship with an addict.

Thanks

Maudcat

Hi, Blindlove.
Welcome to SR.
That is a nasty combo of drugs your SO is using.
No wonder he is delusional and paranoid.
Doesn’t sound like it was a very safe situation for you at the time either.
I understand your feelings.
Lots of good years together and one really bad one.
Two things: your trust has been broken, and that’s a tough thing to repair.
And, as hardlessons noted, he put you at extreme risk of being arrested as a partner to his drug selling.
Your life would have been forever changed.
It’s early days all around, and, hopefully, you can get some clarity while you are apart. Good luck. Keep coming back and let us know how it’s going.

OpheliaKatz

Atalose, Hardlessons, and Maudcat have said things I agree with... among all the other responses too. I know you are hurting right now, but I would put off marrying him until you have had time away from the situation. By "time" I mean, a few months of no contact. You focus on you. He can focus on him. From my time with an addict who blamed all his bad behaviors (including his choice to use drugs) on a mental health issue, I would say that it's absolutely true that love is not enough. Or if it is, understand that "love" is also about responsibility to oneself and others; it is about respect; it is about caring for yourself and others. It is never just about feelings. If this man can't be responsible for himself, can't respect himself or you enough to be faithful, and can't care for himself enough to stay sober, you are in relationship where the "love" is one-sided. You love him. He is not capable of loving you (at least not in this state).

I think you need to ensure your own safety before thinking about if your relationship is worth saving -- trust takes a long time to repair.

Ariesagain

Please don’t marry him. That will only make you more vulnerable to his addiction as it binds you legally and financially.

It would change nothing about his behavior, other than to make it potentially worse once it’s even harder for you to leave.

Sending you a hug.

OT4Kids

End the relationship and take care of yourself. Pray that he gets the help that he needs.