emmab219

Hi everyone! Thanks to everyone's great support here, I've been making tiny steps to better myself and my situation.

The only problem is that I'm still not sure I'm making the right choices, and I'm still not sure if my marriage is worth saving or not. Things are constantly shifting between good and bad, depending on the day of the week.

I can't even talk to AH about his drinking anymore because he just gets defensive and says he is doing much better. Maybe in his mind he is, but he doesn't get that it's not enough for me. Sure, maybe he is drinking less but it is still excessive. He tried not to drink during the week anymore but it never succeeds and he binges on the weekends. For example, he drank an entire bottle of Crown Royal on his own between Saturday and Monday...Crown he had bought for me because he drank the small bottle I had purchased to share with a friend one night during the Thanksgiving holiday.

Monday he finished off the one or two shots that were left in the bottle after I went to bed. Tuesday he didn't drink. Wednesday he drank a six-pack of Christmas ales and the one beer I was saving for myself for Thursday night. He replaced my beer he drank, but then was asking if he could have some of them! I said no, and thankfully he listened. All the beers were accounted for in the morning. I drink maybe one beer a week for myself, on Thursday nights. He hasn't come to bed with me except two or three times this week, and all those times it was him crawling into bed after midnight. And I've said this before, I don't want to make him come to bed if he isn't tired but my entire life I imagined marriage to be going to bed with someone and having that time together...we still haven't had sex since early September. Maybe even August.

I'm also still worried about his weight gain...over 50 pounds. And this sounds awful, but I'm not as attracted to him as I once was so even if he ever did try to initiate sex, I don't know that I would be interested...I get working out is hard to do. Especially when he gets home around 7pm after working all day long. But I really want him to try.

I guess I just keep telling myself that things aren't that bad. That it could be worse and he doesn't deserve me leaving him. I still love him very much, and there are still many days where I enjoy his company. But something just feels so off between us anymore. There isn't the same connection that there used to be. The dynamic is all wrong.

Last night, I found a therapist in my area to make an appointment with and wrote down several divorce attorneys in the hopes of getting a consultation. This morning I started researching apartments close by and emailed one asked for more details...I even made a budget to see if I could afford living on my own and I think I can.

He doesn't know any of this....which makes me feel worse. I've told him I'm unhappy, and I think he can sense that. Yet I can't voice how I feel or what I'm thinking without upsetting him or getting called an *******. I do make insensitive remarks sometimes, dropping hints about leaving, and I know I shouldn't. I just don't know what to do and I'm scared. This man has been seven years of my life, almost my entire twenties.

I keep making plans to leave and pushing them aside because I don't know if it's the right choice, and I don't know if I can actually do it. I don't want to make a mistake and realize it too late. I don't even know how to have the conversation with him about all of this anymore. We fight and then nothing changes. If I even utter the word 'separation' or 'divorce' I'm worried about what will happen, about him blaming me and being the bad guy and I love him so much so I don't want to hurt him.

But I keep thinking I'm still pretty young...twenty-eight isn't too late to start over, right? I don't know. I just wanted to get some more off my chest, say I'm making my plans, but am still unsure every single day if I'm doing the right thing.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

SparkleKitty

So the idea that because "things could be worse" means they "aren't that bad" is not a logical conclusion.

This relationship sounds pretty sad to me, and only drinking on weekends does not equal any kind of progress towards dealing with his problem. And wanting him to work out is great, but you have no control over whether he does that or not.

I started over at 32, so no. You are far from being too old. But I can tell you that it is shockingly easy to waste years of your life waiting to be perfectly sure. Or waiting for someone else to change.

You seem to be fighting to save this relationsip. Is he? It doesn't sound like it. So if you are afraid of being seen as the bad guy then maybe you should focus on where that feeling really comes from. From an outside perspective, it looks to be more about your insecurity over what others think than anything rooted in reality. And that is a concern that you can address no matter what he does or doesn't do.

emmab219

You're absolutely right-- I am way too worried about what other people will think. I keep thinking about how much time and money went into a wedding for a marriage that has barely made it two years. I keep thinking about what his mom will think, our friends, etc. I know my family will support me no matter what but after my parent's divorce, I was so adamant about being smart enough to avoid that but here I am.

I don't think he is doing everything he can. I honestly don't think he sees how big of a mess our relationship is, or is just ignoring it. Life just keeps going on for him the way it always has.

Thank you for replying...I really do need to let go of 'what others think' mentality but it's hard. I have pretty moderate anxiety and I think that might be what's playing with my mind here.

SparkleKitty

I understand, I'm the same way. A mantra that has helped me through bouts of anxiety over the last several years is, "What other people think of me is none of my business."

BAW81

I let what everyone was going to think drive me to stay with someone who I knew was not right after a year...I was worried about my dad who spent a it on my beautiful and magical wedding. I was worried about peripheral friends on social media. I worried about having to actually try and find someone else.

Flash forward 4 years and I’ve already spent more on legal fees than my wedding. I will spend the rest of my life worried about my child who has an alcoholic angry father.

Listen to your inner voice because at the end of each and every day, when the door closes, no one else but YOU has to live with the craziness.

Also, my parents are so happy I’m leaving and so sad that I might’ve stayed as long as I did because I was afraid to disappoint them.

glenl

I am so sorry you are going through this - I stayed with my AH for years because I was afraid of what people would think of me (I've been divorced once before, married very young and it was a huge mistake).

But I learned in the last year or so to think instead, "Who the hell are they ["people"] and why do I care what they think?" Simultaneously, I also had to work on my own judgmental behavior and attitude, because I was projecting my feelings of judgment onto others, and thus creating a negative feedback loop in my mind (i.e., I judged others, so I assumed others were judging me - I believed my judgment of others had value, so I assigned value to the judgments I assumed people were making against ME - very destructive stuff).

You are the only one who gets to live your life. You have a right to live it in a happy, healthy way and surround yourself with people who love and inspire you and who you love and inspire back. *hugs*

DreamCatcher17

So sorry for your situation.
Maybe you leaving will be enough to kick him in the ass. Only he can want to get better for himself, maybe with you awway it will help him with a possible future for you guys if he does get better and makes his amends to you.

If that doesn't happen, you will be better off. In that marriage, you want and deserve!

Best of luck and 28 is not too late to start over, better now then in 20 years!

Berrybean

Well. It sounds like he's just refusing to discuss the whole situation thinking that'll make it go away. And so far it's worked.

You don't have to file for divorce immediately. Lots of people just separate, and move out. Like you say, you could afford the apartment. That way he'd understand just how unhappy you are, and get to feel the consequences of his drinking for himself (rather than just passing them onto you).

You might find you actually enjoy having your own little bit of space with no emotionally-unavailable alcoholic to clear up after and second guess.

I know people in the fellowship of AA who had a big wake up call when their partners moved out. Enough to be their rock bottom that made them decide they needed to get sober. However, I should imagine thing don't always work out that way.

My feeling is that you shouldn't think of leaving as 'punishing' him, as much as taking responsibility for your future and giving yourself what you need and deserve.

Have you tried AlAnon for support?

BB

dandylion

emmab....Of course 28 is not too old to start over!!! Consider this---this is the youngest you are ever going to be.....
It may boil down to......how much do you value your own happiness?
You are responsible for your own happiness, in the end.
What price are you willing to pay.....to satisfy everybody else.....

You have given many years of your twenties....how do you want to spend your 30s....? It is up to you to write that story.....

sixth

So sorry to read of your troubles emmab.

Twenty eight? OMGosh hunny, you're just a baby! You have SO MANY good years ahead of you with the "right" person. And ABSOLUTELY you can make it. I did it with two sons! Worked my butt off, but I did it. Don't let anyone tell you you can't and don't get too discouraged. If you do?... seek out your strength... If you're religious, or perhaps you best friend, your Mom? Doesn't matter ~ you'll know who to turn to. (=

*hint* Hey, I was on my own with the two boys after divorce at the age of 38. And I was NOT embarrassed to apply for every single benefit I deserved for what I made at work. I had my (well they don't call it this anymore) but I had my food stamps for my boys, I had medical insurance help, rides to and from medical if I needed it... etc.

Apply for EVERYTHING! You pay your taxes and I did all those years, so heck yeah! I'm taking what I deserve!

Then eventually, you're back to normal again. We pay into it ~ take IT! And best of luck. *hugs*

ladyscribbler

This more than anything is an indicator of the future of this relationship. You trying to figure out the perfect way to express your feelings, him getting enraged no matter how perfectly you think you've phrased it.

He is using angry outbursts to control you, making it "unsafe" for you to talk about anything he doesn't want to discuss, like his drinking.

I spent 5 years trying to figure out the perfect words, and finally had to accept that they don't exist.

mylifeismine

"Yet I can't voice how I feel or what I'm thinking without upsetting him or getting called a ******"

This dynamic in a relationship makes for a very lonely existence for you
with no real intimacy. In a healthy relationship, people can talk about
their feelings, fears, hopes & dreams. Believing that there is the capacity for a healthy relationship with an alcoholic will keep you stuck, unhappy,
lonely, frustrated, second guessing yourself, and ultimately change who
you are to your very core for the worst, while wasting the best years of
your life.

Maybe instead of telling yourself things aren't so bad, see your life
for what it really is. Be brave enough to see the truth of what is
really happening. You owe that to yourself. This is much harder to
do though, than it would seem. I had/have to ask myself daily
questions to get to the real truth and not hide from it.

Mpie9

You are doing great. Get the ducks in a row, mentally prepare and leave. I am 29 and did it in May. Now i don't even think about my ex anymore. Its amazing how time will heal.
AND trust your intuition. As codependents, it is very hard to do that. I am so happy I did.

HUGS

sixth

ummm, yeah ladyscribbler ~ I'm totally on the same page with my last hubby and what you're saying. You actually said, "the perfect words."

It is so sad but true. What are you supposed to do when trapped? YOU ESCAPE and make a better life for yourself. (= Ya start over! Oh man, there are so many resources out there for you. TAKE 'EM!
You've paid into 'em! Take 'em!

*hugs*

Wheelsup

I could have written your post - and I'm 20 years and four children in to my marriage. For what its worth .... You may wake up one day and find yourself able to write the same post you did above - but have spent 20 years asking the same questions. I had many of those questions early in my marriage but I was able to push it aside because 'things weren't that bad.' And, time has only worsened the situation as alcoholism doesn't just go away on its own.

I wanted you to know ... you are not wrong to feel how you do. You are not a 'bad person' for wanting more from your marriage and your life. If you are really that worried about what others think ... then you should absolutely leave. Don't let them think of you as a pushover. You are a strong and capable and deserving of more.

maia1234

Em,
You are doing great. All you are doing is educating yourself. You are not executing anything yet. What you are learning now will empower you to make the right decisions for your future, its called doing your homework. Don't feel guilty about that. You will know the appropriate time to do what you will need to do, trust yourself.

It is an amazing feeling when things fall into place because you have done your homework. They say not to force a solution, just to make it happen. Step back, take your time and it will happen on God's plan, not ours. Deep breaths my friend, doesn't sound like a fun marriage to me. Hugs!!

emmab219

Thank you everyone for all the kinds words and support.

I think somewhere in my heart I know I'm only delaying the inevitable, waiting out a sad situation to see if it gets better and also just being too comfortable to leave. Things aren't that bad, but they aren't that great either. I just don't know how he doesn't see that...or how he is so okay with things being the way they are, unless he really is just oblivious. He has to know, though, right? More than once he's said something along the lines of "I know I'm not the best husband, but I'm not the worst either". Which is true....but also how is that a positive thing?

He sort of acts like there's something wrong with me, to be honest. Like me being upset, angry, and coming down on him for drinking/slacking on housework/etc., is a personality problem that I need to fix.

Lately I hear "I don't know what's wrong with you", "Why are you so mean?", and "You hate me" on a regular basis. And I don't hate him...I love him, but I hate his drinking and it makes me resentful.

I've always been one of those people who goes above and beyond to not hurt others, and I think that's my problem here. A part of it is me not wanting to hurt him. I'm really scared of that, more than I am of leaving. I wouldn't even know how to begin that conversation. That's what I'm working on next, is actually getting up the courage to tell him that I don't want to do this anymore. I've already told him I'm not happy, which did not get me the response I expected.

What makes it worse is that Christmas is literally right around the corner and we have all these family gathering scheduled and it honestly all just feels like the worst timing ever.

I'm just in such an unhappy place right now and I really hope I can gather the courage and strength to find my way out soon. I know my future happiness depends on it!

SparkleKitty

I'm sorry to say this emmab, but it actually does sound "that bad."

You deserve a partner who at a bare minimum is tuned into the general health and state of the relationship. While you are worrying about how not to hurt him, this relationship is hurting both of you.

emmab219

I've also been doing a lot of reading on alcoholism and I know that he's not just going to "get better"...especially if instead of stopping drinking altogether he's just attempting to cut down.

I always bring up that I don't want to have kids while he's drinking and he claims he can stop any time he wants to...which is not true. I know that now. Even if he does quit, recovery is going to be a very long road. I've asked him about outright quitting before and he says he can do it, but doesn't think he needs to/doesn't want to. We've already ruled out AA because he doesn't like the religious aspects of it.

So now I'm just seeing this person who is never going to quit, is never going to seek help, and is content to just coast along with everything in their life falling into the category of 'not bad, but not great either'.

Our least is up in January. Maybe that would be the perfect time to suggest a separation? Just thinking of that conversation makes me stomach hurt. It's going to rip his heart out...

emmab219

@SparkleKitty,

I know, my friends have all said the same thing. I just don't get it. I don't understand him. I've literally said the words "I'm not happy anymore" and it was like he barely acknowledged them. He basically just said "I know" and then life went on. Nothing has changed and that was maybe three weeks ago.

I think I posted about that conversation before. If he had told me he was unhappy, I would have felt devastated and at the very least asked how we could fix things or make a path towards fixing things. It was like he wasn't even hearing me.