Tough times
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Tough times
Hi all, hope you’re doing ok today.
Had a hard day yesterday. My bf has been doing really well since his stint in rehab, he’d gone back to work and joined the gym, seemed to be moving in the right direction.
Then yesterday morning about 10:30 my phone rang and it was his number... but when I answered it was a stranger’s voice.
He told me he’d found my bf unconscious on the side of the road and had called an ambulance due to his being unresponsive!
The ambulance stil hadn’t arrived and my bf has finally come round enough to give this Good Samaritan a name to contact: me.
I rushed down there (he was miles from both his home, my home and his place of work, no idea how he got there as he doesn’t drive) and when I arrived it was clear he hadn’t sustained any injuries, he’d just blacked out drunk.
I cancelled the ambulance and brought him home, where he slept a while. When he woke, he was so full of self loathing, talking about how he’s “ruined everything” and that he hates himself and wishes he was dead, that we would all be better off without him etc.
He’s gone off to work this morning but who knows if he’ll make it in. He’s convinced he is going to be fired when he arrives so I’m worried he’ll spiral down again and not even show up. I asked him to promise me that if he does get fired that he’ll at least call me instead of disappearing off to die in a ditch somewhere but he said he couldn’t make that promise.
I’m very concerned that he might do something silly, he has expressed suicidal thoughts several times over the last 24 hours. I just hope it’s all talk and he’s not seriously considering harming himself
Had a hard day yesterday. My bf has been doing really well since his stint in rehab, he’d gone back to work and joined the gym, seemed to be moving in the right direction.
Then yesterday morning about 10:30 my phone rang and it was his number... but when I answered it was a stranger’s voice.
He told me he’d found my bf unconscious on the side of the road and had called an ambulance due to his being unresponsive!
The ambulance stil hadn’t arrived and my bf has finally come round enough to give this Good Samaritan a name to contact: me.
I rushed down there (he was miles from both his home, my home and his place of work, no idea how he got there as he doesn’t drive) and when I arrived it was clear he hadn’t sustained any injuries, he’d just blacked out drunk.
I cancelled the ambulance and brought him home, where he slept a while. When he woke, he was so full of self loathing, talking about how he’s “ruined everything” and that he hates himself and wishes he was dead, that we would all be better off without him etc.
He’s gone off to work this morning but who knows if he’ll make it in. He’s convinced he is going to be fired when he arrives so I’m worried he’ll spiral down again and not even show up. I asked him to promise me that if he does get fired that he’ll at least call me instead of disappearing off to die in a ditch somewhere but he said he couldn’t make that promise.
I’m very concerned that he might do something silly, he has expressed suicidal thoughts several times over the last 24 hours. I just hope it’s all talk and he’s not seriously considering harming himself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Just to add to this...
I felt like I’d been doing much better with my codie problem. I’d backed off a bit, given him some space, focussed on me etc and all was going well.
But how are you supposed to not worry constantly about someone who seems desperate to die?
I felt like I’d been doing much better with my codie problem. I’d backed off a bit, given him some space, focussed on me etc and all was going well.
But how are you supposed to not worry constantly about someone who seems desperate to die?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
That's pretty tough UD, and so disappointing for you and your BF. Whether it becomes a brief glitch or a more serious relapse is out of your power.
I understand you can't stop yourself worrying, but perhaps keep telling yourself that it won't help him or you. It might convey to him that you don't think he can handle it on his own, and might feed into his feelings of helplessness. He may be looking for you to take over; hold back and let him handle it on his own.
I understand you can't stop yourself worrying, but perhaps keep telling yourself that it won't help him or you. It might convey to him that you don't think he can handle it on his own, and might feed into his feelings of helplessness. He may be looking for you to take over; hold back and let him handle it on his own.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Upsidedown.....when someone is expressing suicidal ideation....call 911....(emergency services).....
Do you have emergency services where you live?
I must disclose that I am a medical professional and this is what I do in that kind of situation.
Let others, who are able to help them, step in....
Do you have emergency services where you live?
I must disclose that I am a medical professional and this is what I do in that kind of situation.
Let others, who are able to help them, step in....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Upsidedown23 
I understand what you’re saying and agree for the most part, an alcoholic needs to help themself. But is it really a good idea to leave a suicidal person to their own devices?
It's uncomfortable, but at some point it's necessary for our own mental health to let go and let someone else worry about it.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Upsidedown, I've been exactly where you are. I know how terrifying and anxiety inducing it is. I know the absolute need you feel to protect your qualifier from himself. It's exhausting..and it eventually drove me crazy. Not even kidding. I worked myself into a severe anxiety disorder over my fear of him killing himself, intentionally or otherwise ( maybe through drunk driving , OD or some other drunken misfortune.) I could barely function as a human being. I was a zombie at work and a blithering mess at home. I was emotionally unavailable to my loved ones because I was so consumed with my anxiety. Living in constant fear and angry because I was, was a pretty dark hole I dug for myself.
Please don't be like the old me, don't let the alcoholic use your fears against you to protect his own brand of crazy...and like others have said, if you feel he is seriously suicidal call the authorities, either he will get help from people who know how to help OR he will quit pushing your buttons.
I do believe your alcoholic has felt suicidal. I know mine was serious at times... I also know due to my reactions to that knowledge, it became a tool he used to manipulate me... and I allowed myself to be affected by that in a really, really detrimental way.
Again, I know how hard this is, and I am so sorry you are dealing with it.
*BIG HUGS*
Please don't be like the old me, don't let the alcoholic use your fears against you to protect his own brand of crazy...and like others have said, if you feel he is seriously suicidal call the authorities, either he will get help from people who know how to help OR he will quit pushing your buttons.
I do believe your alcoholic has felt suicidal. I know mine was serious at times... I also know due to my reactions to that knowledge, it became a tool he used to manipulate me... and I allowed myself to be affected by that in a really, really detrimental way.
Again, I know how hard this is, and I am so sorry you are dealing with it.
*BIG HUGS*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 8
I'm so sorry! This is one of things we fear the most as family and friends of an alcoholic. I have been through a similar situation, and the suicidal thoughts did pass (in my case they were not used as a tool for manipulation, he genuinely felt hopeless at the time), though the self-loathing and the feeling that he let himself as well as his family down persisted for much longer (not sure if they ever went away completely). I know how stressed and terrified you must feel right now, and I don't wish that on anyone. Hopefully he continues to try in his recovery and realize that just because this happened doesn't mean that he failed completely or that he's a lost cause. I also agree, if you think he might actually act on these dark thoughts, call for emergency services. Sending you big hugs!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I will say this. Call the police if there is a fear, ask them to do a well check.
This does a few things. #1...makes him see you take suicide threats seriously. #2 Takes the responsibility off of you. #3 If he is truly suicidal will get him help.
So many addicts pull the suicide card as a way of manipulation, which is an awful thing to do. Doing the above literally puts responsibility for their own lives in their hands where it belongs, not yours.
It took a long time of counseling for me to understand that if a person continues down their destructive paths and chooses to end their life, as awful as it may be, it is not your fault. You cannot be responsible for another person, and if you try to be you will make them dependent on you, thus crippling them further.
Huge hugs.
This does a few things. #1...makes him see you take suicide threats seriously. #2 Takes the responsibility off of you. #3 If he is truly suicidal will get him help.
So many addicts pull the suicide card as a way of manipulation, which is an awful thing to do. Doing the above literally puts responsibility for their own lives in their hands where it belongs, not yours.
It took a long time of counseling for me to understand that if a person continues down their destructive paths and chooses to end their life, as awful as it may be, it is not your fault. You cannot be responsible for another person, and if you try to be you will make them dependent on you, thus crippling them further.
Huge hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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I've been through this, too... in very similar ways. My husband doesn't remember things the same way I experienced them, so he doesn't think he was ever suicidal... his actions and words on many occasions have said he was. The only thing that really seemed to help either of us was me stepping clear away from everything, picking up the phone and turning this over to whoever 911 called in. I always prayed first and came to trust the person who answered my call for help was working for both myself and anyone else my husband may potentially put in danger -- I never knew if that may be himself or someone else.
Alanon has helped immensely in my own healing and learning to find words and strength within myself to take different actions.
One time when my husband was going to be released from a 24 hour hold at the hospital, I said the thought of that completely scared me. I then kept emotions out of it as I shared past incidences, words and history. What happened then what up to them. In this case it was more inpatient therapy. He soon went back to using alcohol instead of the other tools he was learning.
There have also been times that when I prayed I felt great PEACE and a strong gut instinct to do nothing... knowing I had done all I could and if someone was meant to show up to help him out, they would... just as the stranger and ambulance call were there for your boyfriend.
(((Hugs)))
Alanon has helped immensely in my own healing and learning to find words and strength within myself to take different actions.
One time when my husband was going to be released from a 24 hour hold at the hospital, I said the thought of that completely scared me. I then kept emotions out of it as I shared past incidences, words and history. What happened then what up to them. In this case it was more inpatient therapy. He soon went back to using alcohol instead of the other tools he was learning.
There have also been times that when I prayed I felt great PEACE and a strong gut instinct to do nothing... knowing I had done all I could and if someone was meant to show up to help him out, they would... just as the stranger and ambulance call were there for your boyfriend.
(((Hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Thank you everyone. I did actually consider emergency services yesterday but I held back purely out of a fear that I was wasting their time or that he’d be cross with me.
(That second part is purely codie anxiety kicking in because he’s never really been particularly cross with me about anything since the day we met! I don’t fear him or anything, he isn’t an angry person, I think probably it was more a fear of looking like a fool for ‘overreacting’ tbh)
He made it into work today and they didn’t fire him so he seems to be feeling a little better today. Relieved of a bit of his anxiety for now, at least.
Appreciate all the advice, I thought I was doing better with my codependency but the suicide talk sucked me back in. Time to reboot and start again with being strong!
(That second part is purely codie anxiety kicking in because he’s never really been particularly cross with me about anything since the day we met! I don’t fear him or anything, he isn’t an angry person, I think probably it was more a fear of looking like a fool for ‘overreacting’ tbh)
He made it into work today and they didn’t fire him so he seems to be feeling a little better today. Relieved of a bit of his anxiety for now, at least.
Appreciate all the advice, I thought I was doing better with my codependency but the suicide talk sucked me back in. Time to reboot and start again with being strong!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
upsidedown...never worry about "over reacting" or looking like a fool when it comes to something like suicide. The professionals--police and 911 emergency personnel are there to deal with these kinds of situations....that is their job.
Even though I have worked several years in psychiatry and emergency rooms...I wouldn't hesitate to call in the professionals, if my own loved one were talking suicide--either seriously or manipulative....
We cannot know, for sure, which is which. You are not equipped to make that determination. None of us are. ....so...always..always...err on the side of caution, in my opinion...
I have witnessed, many times, the agony that the loved ones go through in the face of an actual suicide....It is devastating t o them...and, they always torture themselves with "what more should I have done?" "Why didn't I call someone?"
In my opinion...it doesn't matter if they get mad at you....it they are actively suicideal..it can save their life...and, if they are not serious...they might think twice about pulling your chain the next time. In any case, they are still alive...
I would ask my own self--would I rather have them mad, or have them dead."
Even though I have worked several years in psychiatry and emergency rooms...I wouldn't hesitate to call in the professionals, if my own loved one were talking suicide--either seriously or manipulative....
We cannot know, for sure, which is which. You are not equipped to make that determination. None of us are. ....so...always..always...err on the side of caution, in my opinion...
I have witnessed, many times, the agony that the loved ones go through in the face of an actual suicide....It is devastating t o them...and, they always torture themselves with "what more should I have done?" "Why didn't I call someone?"
In my opinion...it doesn't matter if they get mad at you....it they are actively suicideal..it can save their life...and, if they are not serious...they might think twice about pulling your chain the next time. In any case, they are still alive...
I would ask my own self--would I rather have them mad, or have them dead."
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