Smarie78

The alcoholic in my life is now in financial trouble due to his addiction. As many of you know he is in and out of relapsing benders and obviously the consequences when he comes back get worse and worse. He loses jobs, finds new ones, just to lose them again. Now his financial situation is worsening that they are going to be shutting off his phone until he can pay the bill. He has a new job (again) and will not get paid until next Friday. He has asked me to borrow a significant (significant for me that is) amount of money to pay 3 months worth to avoid getting it shut off. He promises he will pay me back next Friday on payday and I won't even notice it missing. I have lent money to him before to get out of his consequential mess and it has never been paid back (though me being me I don't exactly demand it). Not to mention, last payday before the last job loss he went on a bender and spent it all on motels and alcohol. So whose to say that won't happen this time with my own money?

Please before you ask "why are you still involved with this person?"...I just ask for ways to stay strong with saying no and not get pulled in by the enormous guilt that happens when I lay down boundaries. I can't help but feel sorry for him because of everything happening. I know it is in his control to get better and he is back to working his program and with a new sponsor. He is very far down the rabbit hole of addiction, but I just in good faith not only cannot afford the money he is asking for (I can temporarily but I am trying very hard to pay down debt from the 6 months I spent unemployed from my layoff - I don't want my credit card balance going any higher even if just temporarily), but isn't this the number one thing you should *NOT* do for addicts? In my mind, a week without a phone should not be a problem, especially because he has an ipad he can use to communicate.

Has anyone ever died from not having a phone? He can certainly be without for a week. With Christmas here I need to buy gifts too and can't risk not getting it back. I also again don't want my CC balance any higher than it is today. I also know if I lend it I will feel even more angry and resentful than I already do. Ok....I decided not to just as I am typing this. Nevermind

Just trying to prep for when he tells me that he is going to kill himself because he is such a loser or tell me his life is awful (things he says when the consequences roll in) and my anxiety spikes when he says it and I feel compelled to soothe.

glenl

I don't think anyone here is going to ask you "why are you still with this person" in that way.

*hugs*

You should say no to helping him financially, imo. That's a boundary you can choose to set to protect yourself.

Have you gotten support for yourself? It sounds like he's in a program but are you?

hopeful4

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Say no.

FireSprite

No is a complete sentence Smarie, you don't need to qualify your answer any further than that.

Ariesagain

How much money has he cost you already?

When he has his tantrum, remind yourself of that.

Can you really afford this guy?

SparkleKitty

The more you soothe, the less likely he ever is to alter his own behavior to prevent future consequences. You are not helping by giving him money.

hearthealth

Sounds like you already miss the money. Do you think he is worried about your financial security? He can go without a phone or anything else for a week, a month or even a year of he wanted to.

Maudcat

No.
No.
No.
Giving him money, and I say giving because you won’t get it back, just enables continued bad behavior.
Saying no could be a way to crowbar him out of your life.

AnvilheadII

he's a grown g/d MAN who has put himself IN this financial pickle.
you are not a bank.
you are not there to soothe this grown man when he pitches a fit.
you are not there to make sure he has a phone.
trust me, he doesn't want the $$$ for a PHONE.
this is HIS PROBLEM.
if you take yourself OUT of the equation, he will go to one of his other sources. which he does have. and he has probably already hit them up for $$$ too.

can you SEE how utterly pathetic his behavior is?

just say NO. then shut off the phone. lock the door. let him throw his tantrum elsewhere. who wants to see that? maybe as a parting gift you could buy him a binkie so he can soothe himself.

atalose

How many times has he killed himself so far?

How many times has he actually changed his awful life so far?

It’s the same story with the same ending each and every single time. How many times have you died from anxiety for saying no? Have you ever said no? Has saying no been so anxiety ridden that you had to take yourself to the ER?

I’m guessing no, I’m guessing you lived through the experience of saying no just like he lived through the experience of hearing it.

PuzzledHeart

If you keep giving, all you're doing is reinforcing the idea in his head that he's too screwed up to earn his own paycheck.

Do you want to pay him because you feel that it's really the best thing for him, or to shut up the voices in your head? If it's to shut up the voices, then you are choosing what is easy as opposed to what is right.

tomsteve

i ended up in jail once. called my girlfriend.
'you got yourself there, you can get yourself out."
doesnt mean she didnt care about me, just that she wasnt gonna enable me nor allow me to whine about it.

very wise move she made there.

Bekindalways

Heya Smarie. Glad to hear that typing it out helped you figure it out.

I'm sending you strength and courage to stand firm. I hope you stay mad too as this is a healthy response in the situation.

firebolt

"No, and I'm not discussing it any further."

Then don't discuss it any further.

Hawkeye13

He gets paid in a week

If he has to rehook his phone up, instead of drink with the money,
it actually may help him if you don't bail him out this time.

He can make it without a phone for a week.

Smarie78

Thanks all! After I said no he responded with dead silence. My little brain tried to trick me with guilt saying "...hmm....you may have done it this time and sent him off to drink! or worse...to actually kill himself!"...I quieted the voice and went happily back to my work. Later he came back asking for at least half. I still said no....ignored the calls and the "I am freaking out right now sweating like my chest is gonna explode"....and said to myself, block it out. Now I'm $500 NOT in the hole and going to buy a few gifts for my nephews now after a very productive work day.

I agree massively with everything written above. If I add up all the little times I have helped, he still drank eventually, and still didn't solve his problem. Maybe I helped solve it for a few days. But no action I have ever taken did much of anything. That helps me when I think of it in that sense. And again, we are talking not having a phone for a week, not being homeless or in jail. And hey, I think not having a phone could be a good thing!

Maudcat

This is true!
No phone, no contact.
Good work.
Stay strong.

Carol Star

I told my xah I would not finance his suicide......

elihoping

Also, if he’s getting paid next Friday and can afford to pay it all back in one go, why is he asking for 3 months worth of money? Why not just ask for one, pay you back next Friday and then pay the following two months then? It makes no sense! If it is in fact being used for his phone, then it sounds like he’s planning on having his phone still available when he goes on benders over the next few months.

Well done on saying no! I know how hard it is Smarie. I got into 15k worth of credit card debt because I couldn’t say no to my ex and he kept using the card even long after we’d broken up.

FeelingGreat

Good for you Marie, you're growing a much thicker skin.