CentralOhioDad

I know this is off-topic, but I wanted my friends' advice!

DS7 lies about the stupidest sh*t - mainly what he has for lunch at school! He's somewhat of a picky eater, I understand that, but why lie about it? I'll ask him what he ate for lunch, and I'll ask the same thing 4 times, and get 4 different versions, and he seems to be thinking up the answer each time. In other words, he's not even GOOD at lying!

We have told him repeatedly that if he tells the truth, we won't get upset, and we don't, we praise him for the truth! He tried to tell me that the only thing they had available yesterday for lunch was a breadstick and 2 bags of carrots!! We pay a sh-load of school taxes every year, I know they have better food than that! And they give us a menu at the beginning of the year. Trust me (I'm not lying), they have a really good, balanced selection.

I know kids lie, we all have, but at least make it about something good, and not about something I could easily track!

Suggestions??

COD

BAW81

COD - When reading your post the first thing that comes to mind is - do you think he is trying to figure out what you want him say?

What I mean is, do you think he feels the tension in your home and is internalizing it, feeling like he is to blame, and so he lies to try and "be better?"

I read an article recently about children and divorce and it talked about how children around your DS age have a tough time separating home issues from themselves and even internalize them as their fault. While we, as parents, know that is the furthest from the truth, our little ones just aren't emotionally mature enough to separate parent to parent issues from parent to children.

Another thought is he's 7, he's exploring his imagination. You could just indulge his imagination by asking if the bread and carrots are yummy and make it funny....

Chevfb7

Maybe he can't remember? I ask my kids all the time what they had for lunch or how school was and they say I don't know or I don't remember! Makes me wonder what they do all day. Also, maybe flat out confronting him, and saying I know you didn't have that because I have a menu of what is served. May just be the age too. Easier to lie then to have to think! I wouldn't be to worried about it unless he starts lying in every aspect.

Maudcat

Hi, COD.
I was just listening to a program about why kids lie on Dr. radio on Sirius.
One of the things the psychologists and physicians kept circling back to is that kids lie to deflect or shut down the conversation they believe is going to come.
Maybe your son feels a bit self conscious that he is a picky eater?
And at 7, he simply doesn’t know how to lie very well, so it’s easy to trip him up.
Don’t have answers, just thought I would mention the radio program.

CentralOhioDad

Possibly yes on both of these points - most likely on the second one.

I posted the other day how AW snapped at me in the car over a simple question I asked, and how he immediately withdrew.

How then would I counteract that?

CentralOhioDad

I get the same answer s when I ask him about his day, except for what they did in P.E. or recess! He does tend to not remember a bunch of things - though he can remember the lyrics to every song he likes!

Oh, and I did confront him and he said, "Well, you can't always trust what's on that menu!" Umm, then why would they put it out??

FireSprite

My first 2 thoughts were already mentioned:

and

and my 3rd thought is - Does this issue create a united response from you & your AW? Could he possibly be doing it for the attention & maybe even feeling like it's one of the few issues where mommy & daddy get along?

Kids very often don't care whether they are getting positive or negative attention - just so long as they are getting it. At this age, my niece was terrible about getting attention via negative behaviors.

What does he say when you ask him why he does it?

BAW81

I am not sure if I remember or not but have you seeked out a counselor for your DS? My little one is too little but I've been talking to my own therapist about it and I think it is a good first step because it gives him someone, other than you and your AW, to help make sense of what is going on. It will give him tools not to internalize it.

My parents fought in front of me growing up and its always hard to watch, no matter if there is another issue like addition going on. But the truth is that fighting is also a part of relationships.....perhaps just reinforcing with something like "when mom and dad argue it has nothing to do with you. We both love you for you. You are so special and so loved."

CentralOhioDad

His answer is: "I dunno." Then he put his head down, and said his head hurt from thinking. (Basically he wanted me to stop asking him questions).

He does get a unified response from me and AW - at least on this.

BAW81

I don't know if it makes you feel better or not but my nieces (ages 7 and 9) say the EXACT same thing. I think he's just a 7 year old

I would worry if he starts lying about important things like homework assignments, etc.

CentralOhioDad

Okay, maybe I'll loosen up a bit. He doesn't lie about big stuff for the most part, just the little crap.

hopeful4

I don't have much experience w/this, my kids never really went through this. I tend to think he is possibly throwing out his lunch and eating something you don't want him to? Does he get to pick options. He may just not remember because he does not deem it important.

My DD will tell me they did nothing at school that day LOL. When I ask her why she says that (she is older, grade 6), she will say because they did not do anything and it does not seem worth telling that they did 8 papers, blah, blah, blah. We just had this conversation yesterday!

I would gently speak to him about it and see how much he can articulate to you about it. I also would not worry much about it unless it becomes big stuff.

FireSprite

In a situation like this, I would handle it like this (just MY opinion here):

Later that evening when we were alone I would tell DD that I noticed she seemed uncomfortable when x, y, z happened & that I wanted to make sure she was OK because *I* know that *I* was uncomfortable about it too. I would slowly, slowly direct the conversation by asking questions and then letting her answers guide each subsequent question.

In the beginning it's a lot of listening - trying to separate their feelings from facts & validating that what they saw WAS real, WAS accurate & that it's OK to not feel good about someone else's behavior.... that it doesn't mean you don't LOVE that person, just that you don't always LIKE their choices. I also turned the tables on her questions a lot - well, what do YOU think? How does it make YOU feel? You are allowed to have your own thoughts & feelings, DD.

He probably really DOESN'T know, Dad. It's likely reactive & takes him by surprise too..... he's going to need you to talk, talk, talk him through it.

hopeful4

FireSprite, your such a great mom!

Clover71

This is how I feel about it. ^

Is he overly hungry when he gets home? He is probably just not eating as much as he is supposed to. Have you tried having him pack his lunch?

I think it might be the age. Sometimes I can't figure things out with boys. Why would they take the time to pretend to brush their teeth when it takes the same amount of time to actually do it? My oldest who is now 7 used to pretend to read.

What did you do in school today? "Nothing".

dandylion

COH.....my first thought is that he just doesn't remember....and, he might "fill in"...(confabulation...which is common in young children).....to please you with an answer.....
gosh...I have to stop and try to remember what I had for lunch!!
Trust me....what boys of that age eat for lunch is the least important thing on their mind, at the end of the day......although it might be a big deal to anxious and hoovering parents.....
I suspect that he is just trying to please you by producing some kind of answer.....
If I were you...(I have raised three kids)...I would be inclined to just drop the questioning about lunch...if he is a pick eater, already...it may just create some tension around the whole subject of eating.....
If he is healthy.....probably not a problem.....he will make it up at dinner, if he is hungry...lol....

Wheelsup

I've got four kiddos - and this is not a battle I would fight with them. I've learned the hard way ... to only fight battles I intend on winning (and this is one that, frankly, you cannot win unless you plan to go to the lunchroom and sit and watch him eat).

Also, I am very careful about not 'setting my kids up to lie.' It is a bit difficult to explain, but essentially it means not putting them in a situation where they feel they have to lie or fudge on something that I already know the answer too - and most times, they know I know the answer to the question.

As an example, if I know my child didn't turn a homework assignment in ... I don't ask "so, did you turn your homework in?" and, when they lie and say yes ('cuz DUH who wouldn't be tempted to avoid THAT trouble), turn around and yell at them for lying to me because "I know you didn't turn it in." That's completely unfair - and doesn't address the real issue ... which is the darn homework not being turned in. If I know the answer, I would start this one with "You didn't turn your English homework in. What happened?" It is much, much more productive ... and, frankly, a much better way to start what is bound to be a not-fun conversation for my kiddo.

In the past, I've tracked what my kids ate at lunch. I use the information as a way to start a conversation. For example, "I heard they had bread sticks at lunch today. Did any of your friends try them out?" Or, "I've always liked the bread sticks at Olive Garden; do you think the ones in the cafeteria are the same?"

I can tell ya, this is how I learned that apparently elementary school hot dogs bounce off the cafeteria floor ... and was a big topic of conversation for 5th graders ...

DesertEyes

No worries, COD. Raising kids with all the dysfunction that addiction brings is very much on topic. No worries at all on that subject.

Mike
Moderator, SR

searching4shay

I think a lot of it is the age. Some advice I got when my kids were younger was to ask direct questions, rather than open ended. So, instead of what did you do at school today? Are you still working on multiplication in math? Who did you play with at recess? I saw that pizza and chicken fingers were on the menu today. Which did you have? Did you like it? I'd be hesitant to let the lies slide, only to avoid creating a pattern, but I bet it's pretty harmless.

Seren

As a picky eater as a child, I can tell you that one thing that caused me anxiety and made it even worse was being grilled by my parents about what I had eaten, what I hadn't eaten, having them watch me like a hawk at dinner time...it was awful!

Just having been on the receiving end of that kind of scrutiny, I would humbly inquire if perhaps there aren't larger battles to be fought than every morsel that goes into your dear son's mouth?