Suzette33

My guy moved out in September. We have been together 4 1/2 years. He has combat PTSD and is drinking really heavily. He moved out it seems to drink in peace. He moved into a trailer down the road and still pays for all the bills here, his rent, my phone, my electricity...

We were going out every week for a while but that has stopped. He has not spent the night with me since September and I am riding a roller coaster with his rejection of me. Now that I don't see the drinking it is hard for me to realize why I do not hear from him and why he doesn't want to be by my side. I really miss that companionship.
He keeps telling me how he spends his nights with the chef from his work, Drinking and gambling- I am growing to hate that guy and I know the chef is sexually promiscuous so I am not liking this and won't be able to take it much longer.
I am going to therapy and am in school full time. I am working constantly on trying not to take it personally but I am so lonely and just want my man back.
I did an intervention with him a few weeks ago and he said he would get help. He hasn't. Plus, I really hate winter. Thanks for listening.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Suzette

you posted in our groups forum, so I moved your post here to our Family and Friends forum for more response

I'm sorry you miss your guy but it doesn't sound at all like he wants to change. In fact it sounds like he thinks his life is pretty sweet right now...

Talking him back would mean living with that kind of chaos, maybe forever.

Thats a big choice to make.

D

Suzette33

Oh ya, seems to have no interest in coming back, won't even stay the night... He will miss me when I am gone. This we all know. He hates his job which supplies him with daily alcohol... sleeps in the trailer they supply him. This restaurant job has been the worst for him. Totaled his truck driving home completely trashed 5 drinks in. I was the only one who knew the level of regular intoxication (except the chef). I would get vocal about the drunk driving and the groping me while drunk. I don't miss that. I miss the man I met 4 1/2 years ago who seemed to love me so much. He is still really the only person in my life I can count on- so it's really tough loosing him to this addiction that I just cannot really understand.

amy55

Hi Suzette,

Wanted to welcome you to family and friends here. Sorry that you needed to search out a forum, but glad that you came here.

We care about you here, and how you are dealing with things. Many of us have gone through the same things.

It's getting late here on the east coast, so I'm heading off for some sleep, but would love to talk some more tomorrow.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

OpheliaKatz

Suzette, the addict in my life had PTSD from child abuse. He made it 800xs worse by choosing to experiment with drugs as a teenager, and then he got hooked and in some way, he's had a substance abuse problem since then but has managed to hide it for months, even years at a time. I know that people with that situation need support, but they have to want support, they have to want to stop using drugs/drinking. Any therapy they engage in for their PTSD is going to be useless if they don't also address their addiction. Having therapy for PTSD without also addressing the addiction is like taking a shower with your clothes on. I hope you can find some things to occupy your time so you don't worry too much about this guy. He will get help if he wants it. At the moment, it seems he doesn't want it and there is nothing you can do about it.

Suzette33

Thanks everyone. It is now getting to the point where I am generally more sad after I see him then glad. It hurts because I really have few friends. Our relationship was very isolating. He has moved to a piece of property with a bunch of people and I am up here alone. I keep reaching out to folks but often don't hear back.

Starting to wrap my head around having to leave the area for secure housing. It is all too much to take in. I need to just focus on getting through the rest of the semester.

Last night he texted that we could hike today... No word about it today and I know he works in an hour so there is more tears and heart ache and this is stupid. There is dancing in two places tonight. One with alcohol, one without. Going to go! Hip hop class at 430!

Done!! Thanks for being a place to share.

Suzette33

Another thing I want to add, even though it is focusing on him... He cannot seem to be able to juggle working full time, drinking heavy and me... And I am the one that suffers. This does help me- to know he loves me and he is just not capable.

Missmac35

Hi sorry for what brings you here but very glad you are here. You have said that he cannot cope with you work AND drinking and that makes you feel better. Why can't he drop the drinking then for you? Drinking is more important than anything to him and h doesn't not sound remotely ready to quit.
Sounds like you are more attached due your lack of social connections and your housing situation. Totally understandable.
Once you are ready to accept that you can't control, cure or change his addiction and it's nothing to do with you personally you may be ready to see you deserve so so so much more from life

NYCDoglvr

I know it's hard not to take it personally but alcoholism is a compulsion to drink no matter the costs ... it is his God, higher power and great love of his life. I recommend Alanon, which helped me get my priorities right and taught me I can only help myself. Big hug.

maia1234

Suze,
Welcome and glad you reached out. Yes, sounds like your boyfriend is a full blown addict and is not capable of having a relationship. His love is alcohol.

There is a lot of help for us codies. Have you reached out to any alanon or open aa meetings. This is a great place to meet people who have lived your crazy life style. Face to face support could be beneficial to you. There are stickies at the top that talks about education regarding alcoholism. I know you don't understand this, but he is doing you a favor by leaving, as you have no choice but to move on in life. Don't be like me who was dragged for 34 years with my addict. I didn't have the strength to leave and move on in my life.

Addiction is a horrible thing, it wrecks peoples lives. Please do your homework and realize that you are so much better then him. Seek support and slowly move forward. The longer you go no contact the better you will be. Him playing his games when he is drunk and then not responding when he is hung over, needs to end. Cut him off you phone, email and all social media. You don't need to accept this horrible behavior. You are no longer a couple!!

Hugs my friend, you have made many friends on SR. We understand and we can help you get through this terrible time in your life. Hugs!!

Suzette33

Well he is bragging about being two weeks sober and is starting to say he wants to move back in. I have been going to therapy and really looking at myself and what is going on for me. He has been saying how happy is with us and sensed I was withdrawing. He pushed me on it. So I told him. Succinctly, straight and with the term "drunkard". I said of course HE was happy. He is living the "drunkards dream" but it was hurting me. His behavour hurts. Of course he was furious. I pointed out that my feelings are part of having a relationship. I knew I was rocking the boat with my very truthful comments but I know this is not going to keep me satisfied. I am not going to be happy being the fifth most important thing in this man's life.

He is my heart though so it is really tough. His new house situation is so awkward for me. He moved inside the house now and lives with a gorgeous young italian woman who hangs out in a pink robe and I hear my guy talk to her in this super sweet voice. I hate it. And I am supposed to be cool with it. I am not. Thanks everyone.

FeelingGreat

Hi Suzette, it doesn't sound good for the future of your relationship, and that's sad at this time of year. He seems to have checked out in many ways. Maybe you are prolonging the inevitable by continuing to live in the house and allowing him to pay for the rent etc? I get that he left you in the lurch, but you might want to consider permanent arrangements where you don't depend on him.
Moving away from him in your mind and attitude will help you in focus on what's best for you and your future. At the moment its all about him.
You went to a dance class, got out, exercised, had fun. Do more of that.
All the best for Christmas.

AnvilheadII

yeah, the best way to see an addict's TRUE motives are to say NO.....

and then stand back, way back.

he shows complete disregard for YOUR feelings....only concerned with what HE wants, WHEN he wants it. which is typical.

well done on speaking your piece.....even if the results were less than ideal.

Nata1980

Good for you to stand up for yourself - it is really hard.

Sounds like it may be better to leave him to his own devices, pink robe and all. Addicts only care about their needs and what’s convenient for them. You deserve better!

Suzette33

Thanks for your comments. I am just reading them over and over. He has been messaging me about how I said this to hurt him. I really didn't. He said this is why he left me, because I accuse him of terrible things. Oy vey. I said if I am not allowed to express my feelings I am going to blow and it is going to come out worse. He is framing it like I am a terrible person and I don't deserve love. I am saying, I don't like you living with this woman. I don't like it. It's great for you. I don't like you ditching me to go drinking with your promiscuos friend. I've been quiet about it but if you are serious about making this work, I get a voice. So you all called it and I knew he wasn't going to like it but he kept saying I was holding myself back from him. Ya! You left me and are living with another woman. I am not crazy. No woman would like this. You would think somone might actually love me, want to marry me... Atleast promise to never leave me. That was my downfall. I watched a whole bunch of those fixer upper tv shows where couples buy homes together... And then add the holidays and bam. I said it.

Suzette33

Spiraling downward here. Thinking about the progress he seemed to have been making. Being loving to me and now I've ruined it. I forgive him all the time. Makes me hate myself. Like I have to be perfect for anyone to love me. I am so isolated here. He is all I have here and his love is so fickle and inconsistant.

AnvilheadII

he is NOT all you have.....he is just what you have been focused on. there are really nice people out there....kind, caring, gentle.

you are not seeing progress....you are just seeing DIFFERENT. he is still showing you no compassion, or understanding. he is definitely not demonstrating any humility..or respect.

that is not about YOU.
that is all about HIM. this is who he is.

Nata1980

Dear Suzette

Sorry you are going through this.

He is not everything, you are. You don’t have to be perfect, or different - it is just with addicts blame lies on everyone around them. Mean wives, nagging girlfriends, nasty boss, the list goes on.

Count your blessings - I know it does not sound like it, you are now spared a further burden of living with an addict.

Stay strong 😊

FeelingGreat

You can change that. Move back to your home town, or put the focus on you and what you need to do to change that.

Suzette33

So the extensive messaging ended last night with me putting it together that he has been living in the main house for a while living in close quarters with the gorgeous Italian girl and just not telling me for months. I was shaking with rage. Makes me sick thinking about it now. He knew I wouldn't like it so he just did not tell me but decided now that he wants us to be closer-to let me in on it. It is so awkward I can barely stand it. He ended the conversation very thoughtfully stressing we were broken up when he moved in there and we will move slow, I am the most important person in his life and he wants me to be part of what he has been building without me.
Today he messaged that he is keeping his phone off because he cannot have another day like yeaterday.
Tomorrow is Christmas. May spend it all alone.
Have my 401k all ready to cash and relocate if need be. I knew these holidays would make or break us. We shall see. No fun stuff is going on that I can get in on at this late notice. Thought he and I would at least have a simple gift exchange. Not going to reach out to him at all. It is breaking my heart.