105 days my AH has been gone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 9
105 days my AH has been gone
His First unannounced 60 days at AFR in Michigan with very little contact. Mostly because we/He did not want to talk about the huge mess he had left, or any kind of real life conversation. Next step he was off to California for some sober living (he said he needed more “practice”) he has been there 45 days so far. Still very little contact. Mostly because there can still be no real conversations about “life” “us” “our marriage” “the bills that are piling up” “coming home” as soon as the conversation goes past the beautiful weather in Southern California or how he can hear the sea lions every night when he goes to bed there is no more conversation for a week or more. that his car is more then half paid off and it’s getting repoed because I can’t afford to pay everything here. His response was “oh well, that sucks” left me speechless. At what point is what’s is happening here ok to talk about? That his bank account is -$370 that his car is gone that his job is gone that our health insurance he carries is no longer active that his back child support is over $4000. That I can’t pay everything, that I’m not even sure I should be waiting around for him to come back, he shows no signs of it as of now.
I know he is “avoiding triggers” but when/if he comes home he is going to have one hell of a mess and the mess just keeps getting bigger. Every trigger he has is going to sit in his lap as soon as he gets off the plane.
I try to talk and I’m shut right down. I need help understanding this
I know he is “avoiding triggers” but when/if he comes home he is going to have one hell of a mess and the mess just keeps getting bigger. Every trigger he has is going to sit in his lap as soon as he gets off the plane.
I try to talk and I’m shut right down. I need help understanding this
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Charmane, that's an awful anxiety making experience for you. He's obviously detached to the point where he doesn't intend to help you out with this. The Californian time might be good for sobriety, but its also a holiday from anxiety and real life problems. I'm sure he knows what's waiting for him when he emerges.
Have you considered that he's not coming back? Would that be a possibility?
As for now, my reaction was that you might have to act as if he's gone for good and tidy up what you can. Is it possible to see a financial counsellor who can advise you on how to deal with his debts and preferably separate yourself from him financially? This is the type of counsellor that helps with unmanageable debt. They may or may not refer you on to legal help.
If that sounds expensive, there may be community organisations or legal clinics which will help. Do some research, because you shouldn't be coping with this on your own.
Have you considered that he's not coming back? Would that be a possibility?
As for now, my reaction was that you might have to act as if he's gone for good and tidy up what you can. Is it possible to see a financial counsellor who can advise you on how to deal with his debts and preferably separate yourself from him financially? This is the type of counsellor that helps with unmanageable debt. They may or may not refer you on to legal help.
If that sounds expensive, there may be community organisations or legal clinics which will help. Do some research, because you shouldn't be coping with this on your own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 9
I have thought a few times that he might not come back. And as things get worse and worse for him I think it more often.
It’s been beyond stressful here. I have actually had to move since he left. I could not afford the place we were in by myself. he knows I’ve moved and as it was all unfolding he said the new place was “not ours” whatever that means. I even got a 2 bedroom so his kids still had a room with us. I’m trying to tidy things up and live as though he isn’t coming back, it’s not so easy with all of his possessions here. I have even so much as started to repack some of it up and set it a side. When I ask what his plan is? I get very vague answers like “ I’m not ready and your not ready for me to come back” then no call and no answer for a week or more... this is turning into kind of a joke... makes me sick because I want to be supportive but am finding it very very hard
It’s been beyond stressful here. I have actually had to move since he left. I could not afford the place we were in by myself. he knows I’ve moved and as it was all unfolding he said the new place was “not ours” whatever that means. I even got a 2 bedroom so his kids still had a room with us. I’m trying to tidy things up and live as though he isn’t coming back, it’s not so easy with all of his possessions here. I have even so much as started to repack some of it up and set it a side. When I ask what his plan is? I get very vague answers like “ I’m not ready and your not ready for me to come back” then no call and no answer for a week or more... this is turning into kind of a joke... makes me sick because I want to be supportive but am finding it very very hard
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
He sounds like he's checked out and doesn't want to tell you, sorry. After all, life is so much less stressful if he leaves everything behind for you to clean up.
Even if he intends to stay married in practical terms he's left you. No financial support for you or his children.
Once again I'll urge you not to carry this on your own, but seek out help from professionals who can guide you because there's a chance you will be responsible for his debts. Do you have friends or family around for emotional support?
It's time to start taking action on your own, and not waiting on some signal from him. All the best.
Even if he intends to stay married in practical terms he's left you. No financial support for you or his children.
Once again I'll urge you not to carry this on your own, but seek out help from professionals who can guide you because there's a chance you will be responsible for his debts. Do you have friends or family around for emotional support?
It's time to start taking action on your own, and not waiting on some signal from him. All the best.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Charmane....I think that you might consider that your first priority should be to take care of your own welfare, first. (remember about putting on your own oxygen mask, first?!). Certainly, he is not very concerned for your welfare., by the way....
From what you write, it sounds, to me, like you both "know" that he is n ot coming back.
I don't think that getting into recovery is about ditching your real world responsibilities. Sounds to me like he is just being avoidant.....
Don't you think that it is time to visit a lawyer to find out what both of your rights are...and, to find ways to protect your finances as much as you can.....
The following website might help you to organize your thinking and know what questions to ask a lawyer...
www.womansdivorce.com
From what you write, it sounds, to me, like you both "know" that he is n ot coming back.
I don't think that getting into recovery is about ditching your real world responsibilities. Sounds to me like he is just being avoidant.....
Don't you think that it is time to visit a lawyer to find out what both of your rights are...and, to find ways to protect your finances as much as you can.....
The following website might help you to organize your thinking and know what questions to ask a lawyer...
www.womansdivorce.com
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Charmane.
Very sorry for your situation.
Money worries are the worst.
I agree with FeelingGreat that it sounds as if your spouse is not going to help or be there in any way for you just now.
Which, I can only imagine, is very, very hard.
Are there avenues that you can take that could be helpful?
Legal aid services, maybe.
I think if you can obtain a picture of your rights and responsibilities regarding his/your debts, that will go a ways toward easing things.
Good luck. Here when you need us.
Very sorry for your situation.
Money worries are the worst.
I agree with FeelingGreat that it sounds as if your spouse is not going to help or be there in any way for you just now.
Which, I can only imagine, is very, very hard.
Are there avenues that you can take that could be helpful?
Legal aid services, maybe.
I think if you can obtain a picture of your rights and responsibilities regarding his/your debts, that will go a ways toward easing things.
Good luck. Here when you need us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 37
It's time to take steps to protect yourself and the children. You can't depend on him coming back. Hopefully the resources that others have mentioned will help you do that. I'm so sorry you're in this position. It sounds like you've been doing an incredible job holding things together on your own already.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I know he is “avoiding triggers” but when/if he comes home he is going to have one hell of a mess and the mess just keeps getting bigger.
i'd say he's avoiding LIFE. he ran away rather than face the mess he has created. that's very selfish and immature.
as others have said, even IF he came back......he'd have to seriously man up, get a job, stay sober, address the finances, be a responsible citizen and partner, take care of the household, learn to engage with you on a meaningful level, show humility, become selfless.
with what you know of this person, do you SEE that happening??
you are going to have to do what is best for YOU now. work within your own limits, and not keep trying to carry his sorry butt.
i'd say he's avoiding LIFE. he ran away rather than face the mess he has created. that's very selfish and immature.
as others have said, even IF he came back......he'd have to seriously man up, get a job, stay sober, address the finances, be a responsible citizen and partner, take care of the household, learn to engage with you on a meaningful level, show humility, become selfless.
with what you know of this person, do you SEE that happening??
you are going to have to do what is best for YOU now. work within your own limits, and not keep trying to carry his sorry butt.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He is not ready clearly, because sober LIVING is not the same as sober AVOIDING. That is still very much addict and unresponsible behavior. I would count on him for nothing, separate my life as much as possible, and not count on him coming back. Any messes he creates, let him figure out how to take care of them if he ever gets back to living.
So sorry. I don't say thing lightly because I know you are hurting. Big hugs.
So sorry. I don't say thing lightly because I know you are hurting. Big hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by elissa1962 
Who's paying for this fancy rehab by the sea btw? What an a-hole not to tell you what's going on. I would dump his butt just my opinion. Sorry you are hurting.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
Good for you for realizing once again, you have been conned. If not from the active addict but supposedly the sober addict. Have you ever thought that he might have a girl friend. There are a lot of hook ups in rehab, as "she" truly understands what I am going through, unlike you... blah blah blah!!
I think that you have put your life on hold for way to long. You are trying to survive and he wants to talk about the sea lions. What ever. Stop reaching out, start making decisions of packing up his belongings and take it to a friends. Stop thinking that Mr. Wonderful is going to appear. Mr. Wonderful doesn't exist. If he loved you, he would be taking responsibility and helping, getting a job and acting like an adult. Its about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Doesn't sound like he is doing that.
Move on my friend, you will be much better off with out the lazy bum!! Sorry!!
Good for you for realizing once again, you have been conned. If not from the active addict but supposedly the sober addict. Have you ever thought that he might have a girl friend. There are a lot of hook ups in rehab, as "she" truly understands what I am going through, unlike you... blah blah blah!!
I think that you have put your life on hold for way to long. You are trying to survive and he wants to talk about the sea lions. What ever. Stop reaching out, start making decisions of packing up his belongings and take it to a friends. Stop thinking that Mr. Wonderful is going to appear. Mr. Wonderful doesn't exist. If he loved you, he would be taking responsibility and helping, getting a job and acting like an adult. Its about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Doesn't sound like he is doing that.
Move on my friend, you will be much better off with out the lazy bum!! Sorry!!
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