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Codependency and the nonalcoholic

Old 11-27-2017, 02:10 AM
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Codependency and the nonalcoholic

I didnít see a co-dependency sub-forum so I decided to post here. Co-dependency doesnít have to include drugs or alcohol.

My boyfriend meets some of the characteristics of being a ďmoney codendentĒ He attracts friends that take advantage of him financially which is primarily the reason of being in deep debt. Iím not talking a few thousand dollars. Way more than that.

My boyfriend has this one friend who is the worst of the few that take advantage of him financially. This friend always complains about his money troubles and the ex-friends/ex-wives in his past who have stolen from him. This friend of his also has a shopping addiction and smokes which is why he has money troubles. And expects my boyfriend to bail him out buying food or my boyfriend will feel sorry for him and split half of whatever he has, usually snacks/junk food. Even when we are eating out, my boyfriend always pays his tab knowing he canít afford it with the debt he has.

My boyfriendís dad is his chief enabler helping him out financially because my boyfriend doesnít know how to say no to his friends that are taking advantage of his kindness.

I finally blew up and spoke my mind to my boyfriend and his friend. Iím tired of listening to my boyfriend talk how he wants to reduce his debt and even attending financial workshops on how to budget money but continues to spend frivolously on small gifts for his friends and me and paying for other peopleís tab at the restaurant. And Iím tired of him allowing his friends to use their pity to financially take advantage
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Old 11-27-2017, 03:01 AM
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The issue here doesn't seem to be his generosity as much as your focus on it.

He doesn't have an issue with his spending. You do. The only thing we're able to change is ourselves.

I’m tired of him allowing his friends to use their pity to financially take advantage
There is nothing you can do about his actions, only yours. Acceptance of the fact that things are not how you would like them and that this is beyond your control is a really good place to start finding relief from your stress about this.

If this isn't what you want in a long time relationship, it'd be a good idea to start doing some investigative self-work to discover what you really would like in a partner, let go of this one, and leave room open in your life for someone else.
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Old 11-27-2017, 03:32 AM
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I'll echo KTF's reply. you might see more change from addressing your co-dependency with him than from focusing on his with others.
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Old 11-27-2017, 07:08 AM
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I hear you, Sarah.
We had a friend who was always tapping us for money.
Actually, he was my spouse’s friend, not really mine.
My spouse felt bad for his friend, as he was divorced, had lost a good job with the government, and really didn’t have a lot.
My issue was that his friend was a disagreeable, narcissistic sort who made his own bad choices.
After a couple of, “sorry, we can’t help you this month,” conversations, we stopped hearing from him.
Funny how that happens.
Agree with the others, though. You can’t control your SO’s behavior.
If he, himself, is in debt, in part because he gives money to friends, perhaps a conversation with a money manager is due.
That really is up to him, though.
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Old 11-27-2017, 08:42 AM
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I agree, while it may be codie of him to enable these situations, it's YOUR codependence that really speaks loudest in what you shared.

If you aren't married, isn't his money his to do with as he pleases? How is it your issue to control or manage? While I can understand being irked if he complains about a situation he's self-creating & how irritating it can be when we see someone consistently make the wrong choice - but it doesn't make it any less his right to make bad choices for himself if he wants to. It's messed up, but people self-sabotage in all sorts of ways.
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Old 11-27-2017, 10:57 AM
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that's quite the list of "Faults in Others" as you see them.

he's not a project to be fixed. his finances are his to manage. if you don't like that about him, well..........you have choices.
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Old 11-27-2017, 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I agree, while it may be codie of him to enable these situations, it's YOUR codependence that really speaks loudest in what you shared.

If you aren't married, isn't his money his to do with as he pleases? How is it your issue to control or manage? While I can understand being irked if he complains about a situation he's self-creating & how irritating it can be when we see someone consistently make the wrong choice - but it doesn't make it any less his right to make bad choices for himself if he wants to. It's messed up, but people self-sabotage in all sorts of ways.
Good points you brought up. What do you mean mine codependene with him speaks the loudest? I bought the issues up because itís not something I would put up with if we were married. Knowing that he freely gives to his friends when they rarely give back irriates me to the core. Heís a complete doormat giving in to other peopleís needs before his own.

He knows how I feel about it. And then my boyfriend complains about his money troubles but allows his friends use him financially
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Old 11-27-2017, 07:32 PM
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He has shown you repeatedly that this is who he is and as much as he might complain about it, he doesn't change. There is no reason to believe that marriage will miraculously transform him into a fiscally responsible person. If that is something that is important to you in a partner, then a long term relationship with this person may not be right for you.
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Old 11-27-2017, 08:35 PM
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Yeah, Sparkle is right.
Money disagreements are a big source of couples’ and married people’s conflicts.
I’m going to go against the tide here, though, and urge you to get your SO to a financial planner/ money manager.
He sounds like he needs some money sense.
If he isn’t interested in that, well, you will have your answer, yes?
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Old 11-28-2017, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by SarahBear View Post
Good points you brought up. What do you mean mine codependene with him speaks the loudest? I bought the issues up because it’s not something I would put up with if we were married. Knowing that he freely gives to his friends when they rarely give back irriates me to the core. He’s a complete doormat giving in to other people’s needs before his own.

He knows how I feel about it. And then my boyfriend complains about his money troubles but allows his friends use him financially
Well - it's just one post in an online forum, so take it with a grain of salt... but I'm "hearing" more desire to control his actions than just plain irritation at his choices. Part of codependency can be that we let our emotions become ruled/largely affected by other people's life choices. Like sparkle mentioned, this is who he IS & it sounds like something you've brought to his attention repeatedly at this point. Has it changed anything except to increase your OWN irritation?

And yes- working in the field of financial services as an assistant for a certified financial planner, I can say that he definitely could benefit from a discussion with a professional but I can tell you that just like ANY other part of life where we choose denial - he won't hear what he's not ready to acknowledge. Money is emotional & I can't tell you how many dead-end conversations I've witnessed when people are resistant to change.

If you've approached the subject multiple times at some point you just have to accept it & stop beating a dead horse. We can't FORCE people to change no matter how "right" we think we are. JMHO
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Old 11-28-2017, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by SarahBear View Post
... I didnít see a co-dependency sub-forum so I decided to post here.....
You are correct, we don't have a generic, one-size-fits-all forum for co-dependency. You are most welcome to post here, regardless of what "drug of choice" is involved.

Originally Posted by SarahBear View Post
... Co-dependency doesnít have to include drugs or alcohol.....
Agree completely. If you browse around a bit you will see that most people here understand that. Some years ago I fell into that trap. I assumed that the lady with whom I had a wonderful relationship was not as bad as a drug addict because her drug of choice was food. It took some very patient al-anon "long timers" to help me understand that it's not about the drug, it's about the behavior.

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