Farouk

I found your site yesterday while in a state of sadness and despair. My situation is like that of so many and that helps me feel less alone. Thank you all for sharing and offering knowledge and hope and faith in community.

Last year I was retiring and as part I guess of reviewing the past and charting a future, I spontaneously contacted through email an old boyfriend from almost 40 years ago who ‘got away’; Id never understood why hed up and left for grad school without being able to say come with me, I love you. We had gone to the same high school as well. I think I understand some of the reasons now, but at any rate, the timing issue now seemed right: he was divorcing, I got the thrill again when I heard his voice.

I flew across the country for a few days that got extended into more than a week. The magic was there. He was disraught about the divorce he was undergoing (she left him) and in bad share physically and emotionally. It was shocking. My heart was moved. I like the role of healer (this goes back in both a healthy and unhealthy way to always trying to heal and make happy my dysfunctional mother whom I loved very much).

So we decidedly to experiment. Iwould come for three months. I did. I stayed. With a break of several months here and there to go back to my home, which I love, Ive been with him in his chaotic and still dark inner and outer worlds for a year and a half.

We were drinking wine every night—I get drunk with one glass and sick with two and was drinking more!—but I didnt see the underlying pathology until about three months later when I was away and got a call he was in the hospital. An old friend hed called perceived his extremely drunken state and had called emergency.

At first, I was shocked and devastated but unknowing. He got scared and entered a multiple time a week group but it ended. We got a couples therapist. Several times. He had and has issues about me (though I see these as in part a screen to deflect from his alcoholism) and I certainly about him. I went several times to Al Anon. Useful. I almost left several times but his terrible pleading had me return.

Up and down roller coaster. On depression meds that also scare me with the alcohol. While hes made some progress in working through bad financial issues, businesses, properties etc, hes still in a black hole of anger at his ex, fear, a sense of futility. He retired early due to funding cuts, thought he would be OK and then lost his way. Couldnt find work or meaning. Here is a man who created multiple amazing busibesses and was highly regarded in his field and emerges an alcoholic, with literally no friends, no activities, no human connections other than functional business ones from his past. Estranged from his only brother. So he feels no reason to live often and, heres the kicker so to speak, Ive been the only good thing, the only ‘hope’. Ive made a life here for myself and some for him. When he can get out of bed. But its been seemingly impossible to fully move forward. To sort out our lives together.

Weve had some beautiful times. We are sexually and physically extremely attracted and compatible too. But the periodic binges continue. A month ago a day after after a long trip that must have exhausted his capacity to keep it together, I found him unable to stand, tilting, almost fully incoherent but aggressive. He stood. He fell. I thought it a stroke. Over meditation. He refused 911. I was panicking. I stayed and the next am he was past the crisis. But Id ‘had it’. Went later that day or the next to a neighbor friend’s with the idea of staying there a month or so to clear my head and then go back home for good, shipping my many things.

But as you all know, he pleaded, called and saw his shrink (the meds were too strong...but I also think now he was drinking.) i came back. I set out terms: intensive therapy. Another therapist. I again suggested a treatment facility and again offered to pay for part of it.

Well he has ‘worked on that’, gotten names etc , seen a new one, erratically sees a substance abuse one he actually likes, doesnt like the new one. But trying. The last 3-4 weeks hed really seemed changed. Happy at times. Agreeing to get out of the house more and do things with me. No conflicts.

And so things seemed better than ever and we seriously talked about how to move forward, living both places, etc. We had fun. Intimacy. I had real tangibly based hope. I was for the first time thinking this can be. My dearest live of my life and me.

The cycle of hope and despair you all describe played out again on Monday. His computer broke after I had gone out. It was enough to tip him over. I called later and noted the slurred speech. When I returned he was totally out of it in bed. Not aggressive as hed been with last episodes but it was just so sad. And of course infuriating.

So I need resolve and am pushing myself. Im leaving for home next week. But I seemingly cant (yet?) give up. Ive offered to let him come for the holidays. Longer if he wants.

I worry that with literally no one and virtually no engagement in the world except for functional and business purposes and a once-a-week at best therapist and disorganized once-a-week group that he will drink himself to death. He says and has said all along that he has nothing to live for is worthless, cant figure out how to move forward but is incapable it seems of seeking intensive help.

So I leave and then if he dies? Kills himself?

I know Im not responsible but how could I live with that.

And leaving for good. Giving up on this love. That Ive harbored for decades. Thats all difficult of course. So Im trying a middle road of separation again. I expect no real change, but leaving things staus quo is going to change nothing. Ill see my therapist back home.

I ask for your help. Insights. Ive read many testimonials and am grateful.

Anna

Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation. I hope your boyfriend decides to seek support for himself. For you, consider checking out AlAnon in your area for support, and it's good that you're seeing a therapist. You will always find support here, too.

Verdantia

Hi, Farouk. Alcohol is a destroyer of many relationships but I think some can be repaired with lots of hard work and recovery. One of my dear friends is getting married Sunday to her long-term boyfriend who had a very destructive, insane drinking problem that he solved 6 years ago so it is possible to regan trust and have a mentally healthy life together. Wishing you all the best; so many tragic stories when it comes to booze. I hate it.

Farouk

Thank you. Hope is what Id like to hang onto but I know that is living in an unhealthy limbo. If it works out, great. But my task is self care, healing.

MyLittleHorsie

It's not your cross to bear.

I was with my ex, an alcoholic for 8 years. I remember thinking, why can't he stop, why wouldn't he stop before he got so bad. Yet here I am! I remember at 8 years thinking ahead 8 years, would I be alive, would I recognise myself anymore?

I left, he suffered for a few years, progressing and spiralling deeper into his disease. He died last year. It was pretty horrible too, he had renal failure, had a stroke and was trapped in his bathroom, one of his friends found him, hours, days later, nobody knows, the friend heard whimpering from the bathroom. The firefighters had to cut the bathroom door to get him out, the bathroom was so small. He had a massive bleed in his brain, the renal specialist refused to give him anymore dialysis. The doctors made him comfortable and his brother sat with him while he passed.

He was sick when I left, he threatened suicide. I chose my life over his.

You can only control your own life.

Lots of hugs to you,this decision sucks. Don't let his vortex become yours.

Farouk

This is such a tragic story. Im so sorry. I hope you have found peace.

Farouk

Thank you so much. You are all loving beings and the paradox is that suffering is the fuel that creates compassion.

MyLittleHorsie

Oh you don't know the half of it, the SOB was loaded and left me all his money! He cut his own daughter out though and was estranged from her. I think it was his final way of getting back at me, me having to sign over all that money and properties because I am a lot of things, but I would never keep that money away from his daughter who deserved it.

I have my own issues with booze, for the 8 years I was with him, they were exasperated.

I made my peace the night I moved out. I had to. I had to admit I had an issue too, that I needed to heal and it wasn't possible with him. He could never get sober. I don't think he wanted to, in some weird way, it's like he was marked for an early death from the day he was born.

His story I remember, I think of it often, he never stopped drinking, I can. He destroyed every relationship he had at the end, I won't. Being a drunk isn't fun, it's a lonely existence, even if you are a closet drinker like I was. The mornings of feeling bad, eating roll after roll of breath mints, bathing in perfume, praying you don't have that alcoholic tangy smell. I've seen what happens when you don't stop, I got a second chance, probably 3rd or 4th if I am honest. I could't save him, I could only save me.

LiveLikeGold6

Wow extremely powerful stories from both of you ladies. In all honestly i dont have experience in the exact same issue, however, i did survive coming out of a domestic violence relationship last year (that was fueled by booze) and i at times felt trapped to leave because of the what ifs. What if he did this or that. But the reality of what was happening was if i stayed id be hurt again and again always in tears and pushed to either becoming destroyed or becoming the destroyer. I finally chose to leave. It took 6 months of white knuckling it through sobriety to keep it that way. After another 7 months of being an active drinker im finally working on me. Sometimes, oftentimes, detaching with love is the only way to save yourself.

Dee74

Welcome Farouk - I know you'll find a lot of support here.

I was the alcoholic - I burned through not one but two long term relationships.
I was the one driving the runaway car not my exes.

They weren't responsible for my bad choices, and no one could save me, but myself.
.
They left for their own good. They went on to have happy lives

My story has a happy ending - eventually I found the spark of a flame in me that enabled me to stop

wishing the best for you - and for your partner.

D