Farouk

I found your site yesterday while in a state of sadness and despair. My situation is like that of so many and that helps me feel less alone. Thank you all for sharing and offering knowledge and hope and faith in community.

Last year I was retiring and as part I guess of reviewing the past and charting a future, I spontaneously contacted through email an old boyfriend from almost 40 years ago who ‘got away’; Id never understood why hed up and left for grad school without being able to say come with me, I love you. We had gone to the same high school as well. I think I understand some of the reasons now, but at any rate, the timing issue now seemed right: he was divorcing, I got the thrill again when I heard his voice.

I flew across the country for a few days that got extended into more than a week. The magic was there. He was disraught about the divorce he was undergoing (she left him) and in bad share physically and emotionally. It was shocking. My heart was moved. I like the role of healer (this goes back in both a healthy and unhealthy way to always trying to heal and make happy my dysfunctional mother whom I loved very much).

So we decidedly to experiment. Iwould come for three months. I did. I stayed. With a break of several months here and there to go back to my home, which I love, Ive been with him in his chaotic and still dark inner and outer worlds for a year and a half.

We were drinking wine every night—I get drunk with one glass and sick with two and was drinking more!—but I didnt see the underlying pathology until about three months later when I was away and got a call he was in the hospital. An old friend hed called perceived his extremely drunken state and had called emergency.

At first, I was shocked and devastated but unknowing. He got scared and entered a multiple time a week group but it ended. We got a couples therapist. Several times. He had and has issues about me (though I see these as in part a screen to deflect from his alcoholism) and I certainly about him. I went several times to Al Anon. Useful. I almost left several times but his terrible pleading had me return.

Up and down roller coaster. On depression meds that also scare me with the alcohol. While hes made some progress in working through bad financial issues, businesses, properties etc, hes still in a black hole of anger at his ex, fear, a sense of futility. He retired early due to funding cuts, thought he would be OK and then lost his way. Couldnt find work or meaning. Here is a man who created multiple amazing busibesses and was highly regarded in his field and emerges an alcoholic, with literally no friends, no activities, no human connections other than functional business ones from his past. Estranged from his only brother. So he feels no reason to live often and, heres the kicker so to speak, Ive been the only good thing, the only ‘hope’. Ive made a life here for myself and some for him. When he can get out of bed. But its been seemingly impossible to fully move forward. To sort out our lives together.

Weve had some beautiful times. We are sexually and physically extremely attracted and compatible too. But the periodic binges continue. A month ago a day after after a long trip that must have exhausted his capacity to keep it together, I found him unable to stand, tilting, almost fully incoherent but aggressive. He stood. He fell. I thought it a stroke. Over meditation. He refused 911. I was panicking. I stayed and the next am he was past the crisis. But Id ‘had it’. Went later that day or the next to a neighbor friend’s with the idea of staying there a month or so to clear my head and then go back home for good, shipping my many things.

But as you all know, he pleaded, called and saw his shrink (the meds were too strong...but I also think now he was drinking.) i came back. I set out terms: intensive therapy. Another therapist. I again suggested a treatment facility and again offered to pay for part of it.

Well he has ‘worked on that’, gotten names etc , seen a new one, erratically sees a substance abuse one he actually likes, doesnt like the new one. But trying. The last 3-4 weeks hed really seemed changed. Happy at times. Agreeing to get out of the house more and do things with me. No conflicts.

And so things seemed better than ever and we seriously talked about how to move forward, living both places, etc. We had fun. Intimacy. I had real tangibly based hope. I was for the first time thinking this can be. My dearest live of my life and me.

The cycle of hope and despair you all describe played out again on Monday. His computer broke after I had gone out. It was enough to tip him over. I called later and noted the slurred speech. When I returned he was totally out of it in bed. Not aggressive as hed been with last episodes but it was just so sad. And of course infuriating.

So I need resolve and am pushing myself. Im leaving for home next week. But I seemingly cant (yet?) give up. Ive offered to let him come for the holidays. Longer if he wants.

I worry that with literally no one and virtually no engagement in the world except for functional and business purposes and a once-a-week at best therapist and disorganized once-a-week group that he will drink himself to death. He says and has said all along that he has nothing to live for is worthless, cant figure out how to move forward but is incapable it seems of seeking intensive help.

So I leave and then if he dies? Kills himself?

I know Im not responsible but how could I live with that.

And leaving for good. Giving up on this love. That Ive harbored for decades. Thats all difficult of course. So Im trying a middle road of separation again. I expect no real change, but leaving things staus quo is going to change nothing. Ill see my therapist back home.

I ask for your help. Insights. Ive read many testimonials and am grateful.