readyt0change

as i get older, life seems to keep hitting me harder..

i spent the last 7 years floating by seeking pleasure. drugs/alcohol/women... worked a little bit here and there but never had a real steady job. had mental health issues, drug induced psychosis, depression, suicidal ideations. i get disability cheques which i'm not sure how long they will last now.

now i've got 30 days sober.

i've always wanted to act and have started to pursue it but have a lot of doubts.. the path seems arduous to say the least. some days i really don't believe in myself and i've got practically zero support. my acting coach yesterday said some funny things such as "don't limit yourself" and "don't always be focused with the result" all things i've learned from family. they are all about results.

then there's all the other things i could do.. go back to university or college, get a real job? i don't know.

my talents are being ******* wasted. i have everything i need to succeed in this world.. the looks. the charm. the brain.. however i also have major hangups holding me back.. self-doubt.. always thinking i'm not good enough.. something which was ingrained in me since i was young by my mom mostly.. she is an emotional abuser, very messed up person and of course, i've got a lot of her in me, the good and bad.

i've been using drugs and alcohol to cope and now i see how much it has affected my personality and the mountains i must overcome.
i'm getting sober now and it's starting to really hit me. i'm scared, i'm sad, i'm angry but i'm starting to accept my situation. the future seems so unclear and i'm questioning my every move.


thoughts/advice/concerns ?

i will continue to stay sober.

FreeOwl

The future will take it's shape based on what we do TODAY.

The future is just a mirage, and its unfolding depends entirely upon our actions.

I wouldn't have predicted my current NOW as my past future..... but it came into focus with beauty and joy and gratitude and all of it was dependent upon and shaped by my sobriety.

Congratulations on 30 days. That is a fantastic milestone. Since you asked for advice I will offer it:

Continue to stay sober

Work on your whole self - not just NOT drinking, but growing and healing and maturing and facing the things you might prefer not to face

When the fears and the doubts and the shadows and concerns of "The Future" arise, don't attach to them. Simply re-focus on NOW and on The Next Right Thing.

Trust - have faith in the process of following The Next Right thing.

Begin to envision your goals and desires - but don't rush them. Let them form as your sobriety deepens.

As the haze of the drugs and the alcohol fade, as you begin to find yourself more and more, as you take care of the next piece of your NOW that needs to be addressed - what you will find is that the process will lead you on to places you never even dreamed of actually becoming your reality.

Thirty days is a tremendous accomplishment, and it gives you a great foundation to get started on a truly rewarding sober life. Keep at it.

readyt0change

thanks FreeOwl.

i know my mind isn't where it should be yet and it will take a few months to really come back to my old self. i will continue to do the right thing and not focus so much on the future and results.

Ustacallmelola

Therapy has saved me more times than I could count throughout my life and has given me many tools if I choose to use them. I still use the tools I learned in NA back in the 90's (when I choose of course) even though I do not believe in meetings for me anymore. Sometimes we are so disoriented that we cannot find the answers in ourselves and need help. I would find a good therapist that can help you through the trauma and give you some direction and tools.

teatreeoil007

Interesting you bring up being from a family that focused more on results. More goal oriented perhaps? And, I think your acting coach is right. I think when we focus TOO much on results it takes away from savoring "now". At times when I feel anxious or start to fret about something I try and remind myself to stay in the "now' and that seems to help get me through somehow...I think half the battle in life is figuring out what we want to do with our future and in mid life: figuring out what we want to do with the REST of our lives and learning to make peace with what we've done so far as well...we can surely and easily second guess ourselves into oblivion to a point that we stifle ourselves or we carry around a lot of regret. If there is also a negative "dialogue" carried over from say your mother that doesn't help.

I consider acting an art....so there is an inner artist in you waiting to be released. I was raised to explore art and to be artistic, so my parents encouraged us and allowed us plenty of time and freedom to do that. It sounds like your mother may have been controlling and overbearing at times and when it comes to allowing art to spring forth from within that just doesn't work. So, I hope you can find a way to shed the negative dialogue.

teatreeoil007

My mom was the drama coach at the school she taught at. In fact she started the drama club there....she realized there were kids who were not jocks and didn't much to do in the way of extra cirricular activities...so she felt they needed something fun and challenging to do too....it worked out well and those kids loved it. It helped them tap into something....Maybe check out you local theater where you live and try out for a part?

DreamCatcher17

Welcome and congrats to 30 days!

The worst thing a person can say to me is no, which may come in many forms. If I am able to accept that from the beginning, as that is the worst situation, all my fear is gone. You never know the end result of something unless you try.

So, I guess my suggestion would be to get out of your head, open up and give it a try.
No regrets this way, as you've given it your all and maybe it is your next best thing or maybe it's not. Either way you will have the answer and are able to move on in either direction.

Best of luck to you!