I should have been here years ago
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
I should have been here years ago
Hi all! This is my time posting, my apologies if any ettitiquet is wrong!
I'm 24 and my ABF is 28. We started dating when I was 22 and moved in the next year. ABF and I were both wild until 5 months in our relationship, when we both became aware of his problem. There were 2 suicide attempts that I was fortunate enough to intervene. He went to inpatient treatment across the country before coming back almost 4 later.
I had rented an apartment for us to move into when he got back. I know, my parents lost it and everyone thought I was crazy. But he put in a ton of effort and I thought why not just try. Anyways it's coming up on 2 years later from us moving out together and things have been going really well! He's done a ton of work on himself, he's working to repair relationships with my family, I've never been happier. There's been 2 relapses since we've lived together, that I'm almost certain of. Or I was until today when I woke up with the worst feeling about him. Just that something wasn't okay, I'm not going to start preaching but I had that feeling twice before when he tried killing himself. Or maybe I'm trying to justify reading his bank statement and no I'm not happy I did.
I'm so torn. October 10th said he had spent $65 at a pub after work. Normally I'd justify this as a meal we had but I checked my phone and I was out of town and he never mentioned going out for dinner when that's something he would mention.
The next was 17 days later and I'm more torn. He spent $22 at a liquor store. I'm going to sound so naive but from time to time we buy prohibition beer or nona wine and we get it at the liquor store. He never buys them on his own but I know once is the past while he did and I was surprised but I can't remember when it was! But that was a night I was working late and he got a ride home from a cab.
I feel like as I'm typing it out it's sinking in. I don't know if I'd consider this sinking in but it hurts.
I royally screwed up in snooping but I feel like I have this bomb now and no idea what to do with it.
I'm sorry for the novel, I haven't told anyone and I don't know if I can. I'm very confused.
I'm 24 and my ABF is 28. We started dating when I was 22 and moved in the next year. ABF and I were both wild until 5 months in our relationship, when we both became aware of his problem. There were 2 suicide attempts that I was fortunate enough to intervene. He went to inpatient treatment across the country before coming back almost 4 later.
I had rented an apartment for us to move into when he got back. I know, my parents lost it and everyone thought I was crazy. But he put in a ton of effort and I thought why not just try. Anyways it's coming up on 2 years later from us moving out together and things have been going really well! He's done a ton of work on himself, he's working to repair relationships with my family, I've never been happier. There's been 2 relapses since we've lived together, that I'm almost certain of. Or I was until today when I woke up with the worst feeling about him. Just that something wasn't okay, I'm not going to start preaching but I had that feeling twice before when he tried killing himself. Or maybe I'm trying to justify reading his bank statement and no I'm not happy I did.
I'm so torn. October 10th said he had spent $65 at a pub after work. Normally I'd justify this as a meal we had but I checked my phone and I was out of town and he never mentioned going out for dinner when that's something he would mention.
The next was 17 days later and I'm more torn. He spent $22 at a liquor store. I'm going to sound so naive but from time to time we buy prohibition beer or nona wine and we get it at the liquor store. He never buys them on his own but I know once is the past while he did and I was surprised but I can't remember when it was! But that was a night I was working late and he got a ride home from a cab.
I feel like as I'm typing it out it's sinking in. I don't know if I'd consider this sinking in but it hurts.
I royally screwed up in snooping but I feel like I have this bomb now and no idea what to do with it.
I'm sorry for the novel, I haven't told anyone and I don't know if I can. I'm very confused.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Welcome Notorious. I'm so glad you found us and hope that you find lots of support on this forum.
Could you fill us in on what you have done for yourself? Have you educated yourself about codependency and alcoholism? Do you have a support network for yourself?
Again welcome and let us know how it goes. More will be revealed as time goes on about his relapse although it is so so not fun to be in your position.
Could you fill us in on what you have done for yourself? Have you educated yourself about codependency and alcoholism? Do you have a support network for yourself?
Again welcome and let us know how it goes. More will be revealed as time goes on about his relapse although it is so so not fun to be in your position.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
Last night was really overwhelming. I hadn't read much into codependency but yeah that sounds about right. When he was away I had done some therapy and we have done couples therapy since he's been back. My counsellor and I had spoken about becoming my own person again, I feel like it was a polite way of telling me I'm codependent but I missed the mark on how deep rooted it is. Reading negative traits and having them resignate so much has been really tough, but I'm happy I've been pointed in the right direction!
In the last year I've taken huge strides to steer away from codependency without realizing what it was, I had no idea the impact it would have on his addiction though. I feel more confused and ashamed than ever.
Then there's the relapse. I have no idea what to do here. The really weak part of me wants to hope it'll go away. I didnt say anything last night. In the past I've been so quick to call him out when I realized he had relapsed but I don't feel that way this time. Does anyone have any suggestions on how they would handle the situation?
Again, I realize I created my own problem by wrongfully snooping.
In the last year I've taken huge strides to steer away from codependency without realizing what it was, I had no idea the impact it would have on his addiction though. I feel more confused and ashamed than ever.
Then there's the relapse. I have no idea what to do here. The really weak part of me wants to hope it'll go away. I didnt say anything last night. In the past I've been so quick to call him out when I realized he had relapsed but I don't feel that way this time. Does anyone have any suggestions on how they would handle the situation?
Again, I realize I created my own problem by wrongfully snooping.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. The issue being of course is that you have no plan for relapse. It's a smart thing to do if you are going to choose to stay with an addict to make a plan for what you will both do if there is a relapse. A contract that you both sign and agree to so there are no surprises.
What I am confused about is this. You drink with him, but expect him not to drink when you are not around?? Is this correct? Pardon me if it's not, I am just having a hard time trying to understand the issue at hand.
Keep reading, keep posting, this is a place of great support.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. The issue being of course is that you have no plan for relapse. It's a smart thing to do if you are going to choose to stay with an addict to make a plan for what you will both do if there is a relapse. A contract that you both sign and agree to so there are no surprises.
What I am confused about is this. You drink with him, but expect him not to drink when you are not around?? Is this correct? Pardon me if it's not, I am just having a hard time trying to understand the issue at hand.
Keep reading, keep posting, this is a place of great support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Hello and welcome to SR.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. The issue being of course is that you have no plan for relapse. It's a smart thing to do if you are going to choose to stay with an addict to make a plan for what you will both do if there is a relapse. A contract that you both sign and agree to so there are no surprises.
What I am confused about is this. You drink with him, but expect him not to drink when you are not around?? Is this correct? Pardon me if it's not, I am just having a hard time trying to understand the issue at hand.
Keep reading, keep posting, this is a place of great support.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. The issue being of course is that you have no plan for relapse. It's a smart thing to do if you are going to choose to stay with an addict to make a plan for what you will both do if there is a relapse. A contract that you both sign and agree to so there are no surprises.
What I am confused about is this. You drink with him, but expect him not to drink when you are not around?? Is this correct? Pardon me if it's not, I am just having a hard time trying to understand the issue at hand.
Keep reading, keep posting, this is a place of great support.
My apologies, I totally understand the confusion. I had mention that occasionally we grab prohibition or non alcoholic wine or champagne. Meaning on celebrations or nice summer days we grab non alchoholic beverages! Which we never started doing until about a year of recovery. I rarely drink anymore and when I do it's never with him.
My concern was I wasn't sure if the spending at the liquor store was a time he had gotten us those non alchohic beers or if he had actually purchased liquor. When I mentioned we went to pubs we just go out to dinner but we don't drink at all together and haven't since he became sober.
I like your point of making a plan when it comes to relapse. I've always been on board with relapse being apart of recovery. Our deal has been as long as he's trying to be healthy and happy I'll be happy. But I'm not okay with secrets or not being honest about a relapse. He relapsed twice in the past year and half. Both times it was him drinking for a night and telling me the same night. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he'll be honest again but I know I can't rely on that.
Again, thank you for your response. It's incredible to read everyone's post and realize I'm not as alone as I've always thought
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Notorious....I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope you will take the time to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by Notorious
Last night was really overwhelming. I hadn't read much into codependency but yeah that sounds about right. When he was away I had done some therapy and we have done couples therapy since he's been back. My counsellor and I had spoken about becoming my own person again, I feel like it was a polite way of telling me I'm codependent but I missed the mark on how deep rooted it is. Reading negative traits and having them resignate so much has been really tough, but I'm happy I've been pointed in the right direction!
In the last year I've taken huge strides to steer away from codependency without realizing what it was, I had no idea the impact it would have on his addiction though. I feel more confused and ashamed than ever.
Then there's the relapse. I have no idea what to do here. The really weak part of me wants to hope it'll go away. I didnt say anything last night. In the past I've been so quick to call him out when I realized he had relapsed but I don't feel that way this time. Does anyone have any suggestions on how they would handle the situation?
Again, I realize I created my own problem by wrongfully snooping.
In the last year I've taken huge strides to steer away from codependency without realizing what it was, I had no idea the impact it would have on his addiction though. I feel more confused and ashamed than ever.
Then there's the relapse. I have no idea what to do here. The really weak part of me wants to hope it'll go away. I didnt say anything last night. In the past I've been so quick to call him out when I realized he had relapsed but I don't feel that way this time. Does anyone have any suggestions on how they would handle the situation?
Again, I realize I created my own problem by wrongfully snooping.
And yes it is good to get a plan together. Relapse can be part of the journey to recovery but it can also be just spiraling deeper into alcoholism.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
N, please do not beat yourself up for snooping. I mean, he wasn't being honest either... or was he?
I'm going to share some of my experience here and not sure if you can use it. If you can, please do. I tried couples therapy with my AH. I will never do couples therapy again. The reason is this: addicts lie (sometimes). In my experience, my AH did not want to stop using drugs and so he started lying... and lying... and lying. He was deeply in denial about both his addiction and the state of our relationship because of it. Couples therapy only works if both parties are willing to be honest about their shortcomings. If only one of you is being honest, the honest person is making themselves vulnerable and the dishonest person will eventually use this against the honest person. If you can find some stickys about gaslighting, please read them, because this happened to me in my relationship and I ended up being strung along for years.
I'm not saying that this is going to be your experience, but it's something to think about. I would not recommend couples therapy if the couple has a member that's in active addiction and not recovering. If you feel that couples therapy is helping you, please continue. I had a bad experience.
What I would recommend instead (and what I did not do because that was before I found SR), is for you to go to Alanon by yourself (or Naranon) and get support for your emotional health (not get support for your partner, just for you... but you know this as you read about codependency).
If you ask him about the relapses, there are may be four things that could happen. 1) He admits that he's relapsed and says he's going to keep trying to recover (and this is the truth -- this is the best possible outcome). 2) He admits that he's relapsed and says he's going to keep trying (and this is a lie). 3) He says that the expenditures were for groceries, taxis, restaurants, non-alcoholic drinks... whatever (because he's a bad liar... or maybe it's the truth). 4) He admits that he doesn't want to stop drinking (and while this is the truth, he is probably going to really hurt you when he says this).
I didn't trust my gut in my relationship and lived to regret it. I always thought: "I should just ask him what is going on." I'm glad that you are taking a different tact. I think if you have a gut feeling, it is usually correct. Bear in mind that if there has been lying before it can take a long time before you actually trust him again.
So... question is... what do you want to do (for yourself)?
I hope this helps you.
I'm going to share some of my experience here and not sure if you can use it. If you can, please do. I tried couples therapy with my AH. I will never do couples therapy again. The reason is this: addicts lie (sometimes). In my experience, my AH did not want to stop using drugs and so he started lying... and lying... and lying. He was deeply in denial about both his addiction and the state of our relationship because of it. Couples therapy only works if both parties are willing to be honest about their shortcomings. If only one of you is being honest, the honest person is making themselves vulnerable and the dishonest person will eventually use this against the honest person. If you can find some stickys about gaslighting, please read them, because this happened to me in my relationship and I ended up being strung along for years.
I'm not saying that this is going to be your experience, but it's something to think about. I would not recommend couples therapy if the couple has a member that's in active addiction and not recovering. If you feel that couples therapy is helping you, please continue. I had a bad experience.
What I would recommend instead (and what I did not do because that was before I found SR), is for you to go to Alanon by yourself (or Naranon) and get support for your emotional health (not get support for your partner, just for you... but you know this as you read about codependency).
If you ask him about the relapses, there are may be four things that could happen. 1) He admits that he's relapsed and says he's going to keep trying to recover (and this is the truth -- this is the best possible outcome). 2) He admits that he's relapsed and says he's going to keep trying (and this is a lie). 3) He says that the expenditures were for groceries, taxis, restaurants, non-alcoholic drinks... whatever (because he's a bad liar... or maybe it's the truth). 4) He admits that he doesn't want to stop drinking (and while this is the truth, he is probably going to really hurt you when he says this).
I didn't trust my gut in my relationship and lived to regret it. I always thought: "I should just ask him what is going on." I'm glad that you are taking a different tact. I think if you have a gut feeling, it is usually correct. Bear in mind that if there has been lying before it can take a long time before you actually trust him again.
So... question is... what do you want to do (for yourself)?
I hope this helps you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Welcome to SR. It's an amazing place full of people who have BTDT.
This jumped out at me:
One of the most fundamental truths that is often said around here involves the "3 Cs": You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CURE it, and you cannot CONTROL it.
His addiction is his to own and do something about (or not). It has nothing whatsoever to do with you or your actions. You working on yourself did not cause him to relapse or sink further into the quagmire. That's ALL on HIM.
The best thing you can do right now is to stick around here, reading and learning all you can about codependency and addiction. There is an enormous amount of wisdom to be gained from the amazing people who have posted here over the years.
This jumped out at me:
In the last year I've taken huge strides to steer away from codependency without realizing what it was, I had no idea the impact it would have on his addiction though. I feel more confused and ashamed than ever.
His addiction is his to own and do something about (or not). It has nothing whatsoever to do with you or your actions. You working on yourself did not cause him to relapse or sink further into the quagmire. That's ALL on HIM.
The best thing you can do right now is to stick around here, reading and learning all you can about codependency and addiction. There is an enormous amount of wisdom to be gained from the amazing people who have posted here over the years.
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