A little off topic. Lawyer appt coming up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
A little off topic. Lawyer appt coming up.
I realize that this post may have been better received had I put it in a different forum or even maybe not have posted at all. However, all of you here have given me such insight and things to things about - let alone the wonderful support that I've received here, that I wanted to post here.
My lawyer's appointment is in 2 weeks. I've been feeling rather jittery the past week or so about it. Knowing it's coming up has me feeling on edge. Add that in with some other things going on (such as needing a car for winter, holidays and birthdays, and more), I feel a sense of dread sometimes. I mean, I know I can do this, but it's hard.
So anyways, before I get off the point I'm trying to get too.....I'm trying to come up with a reasonable dissolution plan. Ah told me when we first split up that he felt that we could probably agree on everything and that he chose a dissolution over divorce when I asked which route he'd prefer to go. Of course, he truly wants neither, but given the choice, he chose dissolution. So now we have to agree on everything.
I have asked him about once or twice a month over the past few months to make me a list of the things he wants. Needless to say, he hasn't done so. Nor do we really discuss it. The only times we talk are things that concern the kid's.
While I want to be fair and just get this over with, I also do not want to hurt me and the kids by giving in too much. We've sustained enough damage as it is and I know it's going to be hard no matter what.
I would like a good idea of what to even ask for and consider. Hoping that I can get AH to agree before I even go to the lawyer so that this can get moving. I believe we've stalled long enough on the reality of the situation. Now it's time to deal with it all.
Besides your support, I was wondering if those of you that have been through a divorce or legal seperation would be so kind as to give me some insight as to what things I need to ask about, be prepared for, etc.
I know the basics such as child support, division of property, etc. But know that I'll probably forget something.
Anyone want to help me out?
I'm off to spend the day with my Mother today so I'll post again tonight on what I've tried to set up so far if you want to look over it and give me your thoughts.
Hope you all have a nice day and I"ll check in later.
Thanks.
My lawyer's appointment is in 2 weeks. I've been feeling rather jittery the past week or so about it. Knowing it's coming up has me feeling on edge. Add that in with some other things going on (such as needing a car for winter, holidays and birthdays, and more), I feel a sense of dread sometimes. I mean, I know I can do this, but it's hard.
So anyways, before I get off the point I'm trying to get too.....I'm trying to come up with a reasonable dissolution plan. Ah told me when we first split up that he felt that we could probably agree on everything and that he chose a dissolution over divorce when I asked which route he'd prefer to go. Of course, he truly wants neither, but given the choice, he chose dissolution. So now we have to agree on everything.
I have asked him about once or twice a month over the past few months to make me a list of the things he wants. Needless to say, he hasn't done so. Nor do we really discuss it. The only times we talk are things that concern the kid's.
While I want to be fair and just get this over with, I also do not want to hurt me and the kids by giving in too much. We've sustained enough damage as it is and I know it's going to be hard no matter what.
I would like a good idea of what to even ask for and consider. Hoping that I can get AH to agree before I even go to the lawyer so that this can get moving. I believe we've stalled long enough on the reality of the situation. Now it's time to deal with it all.
Besides your support, I was wondering if those of you that have been through a divorce or legal seperation would be so kind as to give me some insight as to what things I need to ask about, be prepared for, etc.
I know the basics such as child support, division of property, etc. But know that I'll probably forget something.
Anyone want to help me out?
I'm off to spend the day with my Mother today so I'll post again tonight on what I've tried to set up so far if you want to look over it and give me your thoughts.
Hope you all have a nice day and I"ll check in later.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi SS.
I've never been through a divorce, but there is a site called "findlaw" that I have found useful for other legal type info. Just add a .com after the name... I'm being technical and not posting the link because it is a commercial site, but I just looked and it says the divorce info is free. I also did a web search using the terms "divorce forum" and there were several listings. It's perfectly appropriate for you to discuss this here, just thought you might find more answers faster with more resources.
((((Standing Strong! ))))
And more hugs,
Smoke
I've never been through a divorce, but there is a site called "findlaw" that I have found useful for other legal type info. Just add a .com after the name... I'm being technical and not posting the link because it is a commercial site, but I just looked and it says the divorce info is free. I also did a web search using the terms "divorce forum" and there were several listings. It's perfectly appropriate for you to discuss this here, just thought you might find more answers faster with more resources.
((((Standing Strong! ))))
And more hugs,
Smoke
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Im sad to say Im a bit of an expert, having divorced 2 times, once from my childrens father after 9 yrs of marriage and again from my 2nd husband after 11 yrs.
The things you'll want to consider are:
**Who carries the kids on health insurance? How will the co-pay be divided or handled?
**If they go to college, who will pay etc?
**When they start to drive, who will cover them on car insurance?
**Furniture - take what you and the kids are comfortable with, leave behind the stuff you dont really need, or would want to replace, or was really "his" and he loved it
**As for kids stuff: split it up evenly. My kids had too much anyways, and it made the transition between moms house and dads house a lot easier if they had some of their special stuff at both places
** Holidays - who gets them? Think about if Thanksgiving is your BIG family holiday vs Christmas etc
**Who has the right to sign them up for sports, etc? If you disagree. who will pay the sports fees, uniforms, equipment etc?
Are there vacation properties? Cars?
I remember sitting outside one of the courts and listened to a couple who were fighting FEVERISHLY over some nintendo game that a child had. Both lawyers were involved and it got ridiculous. They probably paid $800 in lawyers fees to argue over a $100 nintendo.... keep that in mind too. Its best to keep the BIG picture in mind.
Hope this helps. I understand its a difficult time, but if you keep your recovery with you, it DOES get better.
Hugs and love
Barb
The things you'll want to consider are:
**Who carries the kids on health insurance? How will the co-pay be divided or handled?
**If they go to college, who will pay etc?
**When they start to drive, who will cover them on car insurance?
**Furniture - take what you and the kids are comfortable with, leave behind the stuff you dont really need, or would want to replace, or was really "his" and he loved it
**As for kids stuff: split it up evenly. My kids had too much anyways, and it made the transition between moms house and dads house a lot easier if they had some of their special stuff at both places
** Holidays - who gets them? Think about if Thanksgiving is your BIG family holiday vs Christmas etc
**Who has the right to sign them up for sports, etc? If you disagree. who will pay the sports fees, uniforms, equipment etc?
Are there vacation properties? Cars?
I remember sitting outside one of the courts and listened to a couple who were fighting FEVERISHLY over some nintendo game that a child had. Both lawyers were involved and it got ridiculous. They probably paid $800 in lawyers fees to argue over a $100 nintendo.... keep that in mind too. Its best to keep the BIG picture in mind.
Hope this helps. I understand its a difficult time, but if you keep your recovery with you, it DOES get better.
Hugs and love
Barb
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I think I'm going to contact an attorney to find out what my financial responsibilities are. My AH got another car last night which means he took out another loan. He has already decided to not pay two of his debtors - a credit card he maxed and cable (got shut off). My concern is now that he owes yet another financial institute, is he going to be able to continue paying for the sitter (I only get money for groceries and such when I ask for it). My other concern is, are his debts going to come back an haunt me because we are not "legally" seperated.
I'm sure this don't help you but I wanted to share...
((((standingstrong))))
Jessica
I'm sure this don't help you but I wanted to share...
((((standingstrong))))
Jessica
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
Standingstrong,
You are where I was 6 months ago. He would not talk about dividing stuff up ot make a list of what he wanted. Ignore it and it will go away, thats what he thought. He also said he wanted NOTHING, when it came down to it, I ended up packing up some of our collectables and his stuff from the garage and taking it the his storage place. I also had to take all his clothes that he left here.
Then throught his atty.(that he wanted me to pay for, I didnt have to) he demanded part of the equity in the house. I do get to keep the house. I have to refinance the house and get his money out and get his name off. Not that big of a deal. He did not put a deadline in there so I will do it when I want to.
Make sure it says in the divorce decree exactly what bills he has to pay (account #s and names of creditors) and that you want your name removed from those account. You may have to send a copy of your decree in to do this. I got 2 of the veheciles, paid them off, now I have to go to the courthouse to remove his name from the titles.
Are there any federal taxes due?? Put that in the decree who will pay those. Make sure it says you get to claim the kids on your taxes and that both of your taxes will be separate.Think about your and his retirement at work. Is there a 401k at work.Married a long time, you could get part of his retirement . Part of his 401k.
My ex and I are very equal in pay, retirement and 401k so I had it put in the decree that I get mine and he gets his 401k and retirement.
Is ther a handicapped child involved, he will contiue to pay child support as long as that child lives with you. Mine will pay 1/2 for as long as needed for my daughter.
Have that list of EVERYTHING in the house in hand when you go to the atty.. Your husband will not sit down and talk to you about it. Everything you own should be on that list.
His covering the kids on insurance is a must, if he can't get it from work he had to buy it and it doesnt count toward child support. It is in addition to child support. If you carry insurance on them from work and it cost you to do so then he had to pay you for it. Co-pays are divided between the 2 of you, present him a receipt for it and he has to pay. Meds, the same way.
Remember that if it is not in the decre he doesnt have to do it or provide it.
And then there is also alimony, dont know about that. I make as much money as him so the judge said no.
Don't be nice because his atty. will not be nice. Believe me on this one, his atty tried to kick me and the kids out of the house untill the divorce was final, had an emergency hearing to do so, EX says the atty did that not him. I don;t know what to believe on that one. Notice I said tried, it didnt work.
CYA= cover your ass!!!!!!!!!!!
Any more questions letme know
You are where I was 6 months ago. He would not talk about dividing stuff up ot make a list of what he wanted. Ignore it and it will go away, thats what he thought. He also said he wanted NOTHING, when it came down to it, I ended up packing up some of our collectables and his stuff from the garage and taking it the his storage place. I also had to take all his clothes that he left here.
Then throught his atty.(that he wanted me to pay for, I didnt have to) he demanded part of the equity in the house. I do get to keep the house. I have to refinance the house and get his money out and get his name off. Not that big of a deal. He did not put a deadline in there so I will do it when I want to.
Make sure it says in the divorce decree exactly what bills he has to pay (account #s and names of creditors) and that you want your name removed from those account. You may have to send a copy of your decree in to do this. I got 2 of the veheciles, paid them off, now I have to go to the courthouse to remove his name from the titles.
Are there any federal taxes due?? Put that in the decree who will pay those. Make sure it says you get to claim the kids on your taxes and that both of your taxes will be separate.Think about your and his retirement at work. Is there a 401k at work.Married a long time, you could get part of his retirement . Part of his 401k.
My ex and I are very equal in pay, retirement and 401k so I had it put in the decree that I get mine and he gets his 401k and retirement.
Is ther a handicapped child involved, he will contiue to pay child support as long as that child lives with you. Mine will pay 1/2 for as long as needed for my daughter.
Have that list of EVERYTHING in the house in hand when you go to the atty.. Your husband will not sit down and talk to you about it. Everything you own should be on that list.
His covering the kids on insurance is a must, if he can't get it from work he had to buy it and it doesnt count toward child support. It is in addition to child support. If you carry insurance on them from work and it cost you to do so then he had to pay you for it. Co-pays are divided between the 2 of you, present him a receipt for it and he has to pay. Meds, the same way.
Remember that if it is not in the decre he doesnt have to do it or provide it.
And then there is also alimony, dont know about that. I make as much money as him so the judge said no.
Don't be nice because his atty. will not be nice. Believe me on this one, his atty tried to kick me and the kids out of the house untill the divorce was final, had an emergency hearing to do so, EX says the atty did that not him. I don;t know what to believe on that one. Notice I said tried, it didnt work.
CYA= cover your ass!!!!!!!!!!!
Any more questions letme know
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
I think everything I was going to say has been covered just remember one thing even if the courts order him to pay certain debts or if it the payment is split creditors do not honor divorce decree's if you do not want your credit you will still have to pay them and then sue him to pay you back. Also make a list of everything you two have and make a list of what you have and what you are leaving him. I found it easier to make a planned schedule for visitation concerning the children certian weekends and certian drop off and pick up times, alternating holidays and making sure that in there there would be room in each of the very important ones like Christmas and stuff that a little part of that day I could at least have them for a few hours to celebrate. Your lawyer should have a copy of standard visitation rights. Also the term split custody with you retaining physical custody merely means he has the right to make subjestions but the ultimate choices about the children are left up to you. I know in Alabama when you go through the child support division and the state handles your case every three years the childsupport is refigured so if there is an increase in income then the childsupport is refigured. So you want to establish to where he will pay that either through the court or childsupport division and they will keep a record of how much he has paid and if he is behind how much. Well I think thats about it for me take care.
Rose
Rose
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