Don't want to hear Hubby Speak at meeting

Old 09-29-2004, 05:37 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
Don't want to hear Hubby Speak at meeting

Hi all

Just wanted some insight. My husband is recovering A with almost 4 years sobriety. He gets asked to speak quite frequently at meetings and I guess has a powerful speech. I have been to speaker meetings and find most of them to be enlightening. My problem is this. Hubby is looking forward or would like me to "hear" him speak at a meeting. I don't feel I want to and this has hurt him. I feel that if I listen to him speak I will probably not agree with him on a lot. Or maybe my perspective of things may not be the same as his. I am worried that in listening to him it will bring back all the past that I feel I have dealt with. He thinks if I have dealt with it then it shouldn't be a big deal. I feel I have dealt with it but do I want to be reminded about it. I don't want to be sitting in the audience listening to what he did to his family. I feel this will bring my anger and resentments back. I have tried to tell him this but I guess I am not telling it in the right way. He says his speeches are not for others they are for him and his recovery. I say to him if it is your drinking that has made me need recovery why is your recovery more important than mine? If I feel listening to your speech will affect my recovery why should I want to listen to it. He just says Don't then and takes the selfish me attitude. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I know, I don't have to do it if I don't want and all that but I feel that in just not going I am also taking the selfish me attitude. Any thoughts?
ChillGal is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 06:07 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: ROCKPORT , MAINE
Posts: 36
My thoughts on this......

HI CG -
I would give up chocolate forever ........if my AH invited me to hear him speak about his recovery ( or his alchoholism)
I think alot of us would...........

Let me put it this way...
If YOU were invited to speak about YOUR experiences with alchohol....and he said "No"
How would YOU feel......
Please do not be offended here.......but I think it may ALSO be YOU who is taking the "selfish me attitude" about this........
I may be wrong & it is egotistical of me to think that I know your entire situation & history
However.........
I think that ANY opportunity for sharing or support that a couple can provide eachother ..when it is about "getting better" ......should be grabbed at..........
Just my own opinion.....
WHYOWHY is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 06:17 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Peaches04's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi there! I can only guess that this is a truly personal decison. I will tell you that if my husband asked me to listen to him speak at a meeting - I would be there in a heart beat. The reason why is that maybe listening to him and trying to understand why he did what he did and how he is recovering, my be the thing to finally let me be able to 'let go' of all the hurt, anger, resentment. Another thought - is you assume you will not agree with what he has to say and you assume it will be hurtful...you could be completely wrong. It may be just the opposite...he may say by the grace of God he had you for strength and encouragement. I don't know - and again, it is a personal decision and I would not fault you one way or the other. But, to me - this would be a HUGE step in my husbands recovery and I wouldn't miss it for the world. But, then again - I am still in the functioning alcholic stage where I"m lucky if my husband tells me any of his thoughts or feelings, and it just kills me emmotionally. Do you think it would really jeapordize your recovery, or are you afraid it will cause you hurt and pain because you think it's not going to be what you thought? I can certainly understand the fear of hurt and pain - but, think it would be a big step in your recovery. You would be saying "I am strong enough to hear your side"...that doesn't mean that you agree...it just means that you are behind him enough to just listen. If it's that bad - you can always sit at the back and just get up and leave. I think you may be pleasantly surprised... but, again - what do I know?? Good luck and hope you peace with your decision!
Peaches04 is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 06:42 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
ASpouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I would go also. I consider this part of the recovery process for the A and the spouse or SO.

You sound as if you are living in the past, his past behavior and you haven't come to terms with it or let it go. Hearing him speak may help and he's right, it is part of his recovery and hopefully he will help someone else.

You need to think of it this way also, if you don't want to listen him speak, I'm sure there are several women who do ...... just some food for thought.
ASpouse is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 06:57 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I would also love to be invited to go hear my H speak at a meeting. At this point I can even imagine how good it would feel for him to have enough recovery for a group to ask him to speak seeing how he is still using......
splendra is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 07:12 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
kfa2004's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
I would love for my husband to invite me to hear him speak at a meeting. He has not even admitted he has a problem.
Have a blessed day.
Kat
kfa2004 is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 07:30 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
I guess I didn't explain right. I am very proud of my husband for his recovery. No I am not living in the past. I do not want to go back there. I am afraid that if I listen to what he has done in the past it will bring it all to the front again. I feel I have dealt with it but after 15 years of active drinking and abuse from him. There is always a part that remains. I go to Alanon meetings, I go to other speaker meetings and round ups with him and I am there to support him. If this is something that I figure will hurt my recovery why does that make his recovery more important than mine. If other women listen to my hubby and get something out of it I am truly glad for them. I trust my husband in this sense and if I can't trust him in that sense then I would truly NOT be with him. I am not saying his speech would be bad and maybe it wouldn't. I feel it would be painful for me now and probably 10 or 20 years from now. Maybe I would feel differently if he was just starting recovery but I don't want to go backwards.
ChillGal is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 07:51 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
kfa2004's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
ChillGal-
His recovery is not more important than yours. Yours is important also and if you truly feel that it will hurt your recovery don't go. I have been married to my AH for 25 years and have been through the drinking and abuse for a good portion of that time. I would just like for my AH to reach the point where he can admit he has a problem. We are still in the "Its all your fault, you cause me to drink and get angry, I hate you phase".
Bless you. Trust your HP he will lead you in the right direction.
Hugs
Kat

Last edited by kfa2004; 09-29-2004 at 07:53 AM. Reason: spelling
kfa2004 is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 08:16 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
It is what it is!!!
 
Paulie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
I don't think it is an issue of who's recovery is more important. I am an addict in recovery who is married to an A in recovery. I have heard him speak several times. There have also been times where he was speaking that I did not feel like going...I was there, I know what happened and for whatever reason that night I didn't want to hear it. I think that is what you are saying. But I have also learned that when I am in the mood it is something inside me and really has nothing to do with him. Especially for the fact that I know he does not just tell a drug-a-log, he is sharing the message of recovery and that is what is important for everyone to hear.

What I suggest you think about it is where you said it may bring up old resentments and things. I do get that because before we were married my H and I used together for years, there was lieing, stealing, cheating....all of it. Sometimes those old resentments come up, but again when they do....it is something lacking in me and has NOTHING to do with him.
Paulie is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 08:25 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 122
Hi Chillgal,
I believe couples should keep their recovery programs seperate. Speaking in a meeting to me means sharing your experience, strength and hope in order to help another addict in their recovery. You are closer to the man than any of the people sitting in the meeting and you see the results of his recovery in your life and home. A persons actions show more than anything how they have changed to close family members.
So I believe you should be confident in your decision whether to go or not.
H
Hadenuff is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 08:59 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
leem03's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
I would love to attend a meeting with my husband period, speaking or not! For me, I am still in the need to know category. I want to know why all of this happened. It seems to me that if he is constantly asking you to attend one of his speeches and your same reply is that you don't want to "bring it to the front" again, you are already bringing it to the front. Each time he asks you are thinking about it & it's right there again.

Obviously don't go if you really don't think it will help you, but seriously consider going as a final step to truly let go of the past. I think he wants you to hear it so that he has a sense of letting it go too. Like that is one more apology he can give to you. If he wants you to hear it, I can't believe he is going to say much you don't agree with. I can only assume, like Peaches04, that he wants you to know how much you have helped him get to where he is today. A salute to ChillGal in a public forum, would most likely help him and maybe help you too to actually hear him say it to other people.

Just my two cents!
leem03 is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 09:13 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
Hi Chillgal,

At this point I would be happy if my AH was even trying AA....I think I would be afraid to go for the reasons you say...because for me..all I see in my AH is lies still because he is still active.

I think you know what is best for you...maybe later you might change your mind...Maybe not...but if you don't feel you want to go...don't. I think individually we all need to do whats best for OUR own recoveries...us and our A. As a couple you need to do what is best for you too...but I think that comes after you as an individual...if you don't have your own recovery there is no true recovery for the couple either.

just ask your HP for guidance and you will know what you need and want to do. No one can fault you for what you decide either way..you know whats best for you..believe in that!!!
skyleh is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 09:48 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
abtchonamission's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
Hey ChillGal,

I have been to many N/A meetings with my addict because he has no license. Usually I go outside and let my son play on the playground, but quite often I've sat in on the meetings. The first few times I figured Michael would just be sitting there listening to everyone else because of my presence. I kinda thought that might be for the best, because like you, I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear what he had to say. As it turns out, it really helped me to understand him, and in listening to him and the others, it helped me to understand addiction a little better by hearing from the other side of the fence. I'm glad today that Michael wasn't afraid or embarrassed to speak in front of me. I now try to sit through a meeting with him on a fairly regular basis, because it helps me to continue to understand that he is also recovering, it also takes time for his recovery, and a million other things. I also heard things that made me realize that in his active addiction he did things that I hurt over, but he never did them TO hurt me, and even in his active addiction to this very day, he regrets any hurt he caused. He is already thinking of how to make amends when he reaches that step for many things. A suggestion - maybe you could compromise with your husband - attend the meeting he is speaking at. If it becomes too hard for you to hear him, you can always leave. I'm not saying you have to go. I'm saying it's an idea you could consider.

(((Hugs)))
Trisha
abtchonamission is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 10:10 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Queen of one liners
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Wow! You surely did get alot of feedback.

I believe I'd be saying something like "I am happy for you and your recovery but I am just not ready to go hear you speak."
It took me forever to understand that I was entitled to my feelings they are neither right nor wrong.
When I keep the conversation in I statements I am better understood by the other person. Just as I can't force anyone else to do something, I don't want to feel force either. I dig in my heels and won't budge, if I am left alone to decide "when and if" I don't feel pressured.
Another suggestion is to have someone tape his talk before hand so you can listen to it in private before you decide if you want to go.

I always fear the unknown and it sounds to me like you may be as afraid of your re-actions as to what you will hear him say.

Good luck either way. Sending happy thoughts your way.
Daffodil is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 10:29 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
JessicaNAJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Your recovery is just as important as your AH. I too would be greatful if my AH asked me to hear him speak. But only because it would not be something out of the ordinary for him and because I would love to hear what he had to say.

I understand your are worried about what he would say. But the old saying goes, there's nothing to fear but fear itself. Facing those fears makes you a better person.

You could go with him to show him your support and if his speech is going somewhere you don't want to go, there is no law that says you have to stay in the room. Would he support you if you were the one giving the speech?
JessicaNAJ is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 11:41 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
KelKel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Chillgal...
I have a hunch that hearing your husband speak would actually be a good thing for your own recovery.
It may be just the thing you need to hear.
KelKel is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 12:06 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Snick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: WA
Posts: 19
Chillgal-

I believe that it is a personal choice that you have to be comfortable with. It is obvious that you have given him a lot of support in his recovery. I applaud you in your recovery and supporting his! Do what feels right for you.

Snick
Snick is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 04:26 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
Wow! I really wasn't expecting so much input. Thank you. He only mentioned it ONCE. It is by no means going to interfere with his recovery if I do not go. He chose to get help on his own and he is still going on his own. I cannot do it for him. It was just bugging me. I have to be honest and let you know that I have read some of his "drunk-a-logs". They are not funny and they are not the whole truth. I do not want to hear this. It brings me back to the realization that any day it could all start again and that is not where I plan to be. I feel I have come so far in my own recovery while supporting him also that I feel that if I go now to listen to him then I am only doing it because he wants me too. I believe honesty has to count for something so I guess for now I will just talk to him and go when I am ready.
ChillGal is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 04:33 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: on my way home
Posts: 73
Good for you. You will know if and when you want to go.
skyleh is offline  
Old 09-29-2004, 08:53 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Dancing To My Own Beat
 
Magichappens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Sometimes people don't agree with me on what I need to do for me. Many of these people have their own agenda, and would rather me do what they want instead of what is best for me. This is where I have learned I have to make those decisions to take care of me. My amends to myself didn't set well with some people who preferred me in the role they wanted me to play. They have a right to feel whatever way they feel, and I have a right to make sure I am ok. Hugs, Magic
Magichappens is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:33 AM.