BAW81

I understand that blood is thicker than water. I understand that alcoholism is a family disease. I know that my SBTXAH's family have their own individual addiction issues. I know this.....

Yet, I'm still BEYOND frustrated and ANGRY at all of them.

I know they all think I'm the worst person in the world. I know they have to make me the villain because that is easier than looking in the mirror and recognizing that he is the one with a serious problem who continues to make horribly unhealthy and poor decisions.

It just really irritates me! They live halfway across the country, I haven't spoken to any of them in over a year. After a horrific experience which caused me to file for divorce, none of them even reached out or checked in on my child.

While I am SO GRATEFUL they are not close and not in my life nor pushing to be in my child's because they are all toxic themselves, I find myself still filled with anger about how their denial and delusion enables my STBXAH to continue to be the way he is.

I don't like the anger and resentment I can't seem to shake....It IS like drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die. I didn't even like them when we were together, I know I will never like them but I don't want to give them so much of my brain space by hating them either...... I've written them all letters that I never plan on sending. Many, many letters.

Anyone have any good advice?

Ariesagain

What is fueling this anger if you haven’t spoken to them in over a year?

Are you thinking that he would reach “rock bottom” if they weren’t enabling him?

BAW81

The anger is fueled by a lot of things from the past and also I think part of me is just disgusted by their silence and not ONCE making an effort to make sure my son and I were OK.

Maybe I displace a lot of my anger toward him to them because part of me feels his horrible continued behavior is their fault WHICH I am learning is not their fault, it is his...that said, they have always looked the other way...

Ugh - I'm just venting..

hopeful4

Just venting does help. You are right, blood is thicker than water. Time heals a lot of wounds, and you will find that eventually it will heal this wound as well.

Big hugs!

SparkleKitty

I have found that because I can't change other people, I have to manage my expectations of them. They have shown you who they are and where their priorities lie. Accepting that will go a long way towards settling your anger and frustration.

Please vent away! We totally get it.

TropicalWinter

I can SO identify with this. I don't want to get too specific b/c of privacy concerns, but I will say that my STBXAH's family are so unbelievably toxic, enmeshed, unhealthy, dysfunctional, and enabling, and I have a hard time letting go sometimes because they ARE close by.

Basically they've given my A back everything that he threw away, but he's still drinking. It's like they completely ignore everything that he did and have their heads in the sand. The enabling is sickening, honestly.

I'm finding that building my own life and super solid boundaries do help, but some days are better than others. It's been hard to let go because I had loved his family even more than my own.

Missmac35

I hate mine. After countless chances and finally spending the last of our money again on drugs and getting wasted, I moved out and took all my belongings. Not much left in his flat and I received a nasty message from his mum. She was awful to me when I was pregnant (my baby is only 8weeks old) basically telling me to go to a women's aid shelter instead of kicking her addict son out our house and how awful I treat him after he kicked my door in and demanded drug money. She's deluded but she wants nothing to do with my baby. None of his family do but they fawn after his other kids and their other grand kids. Just because I don't put up with her son stealing from me and lying and and being off his face. None of his brothers or anyone in their family has asked to see if me of my son is ok either and as result I am full of hatred for them. His mum bought him all new furniture for his flat even though he spent his own money on drugs and let's him sell and keep drugs at her home. Truely awful

firebolt

I hate to say it....

Bnd when I'm mad at someone, it helps me circle back to my own mistakes.

Not so long ago, I had some pretty scathing hatred towards xabf. And semi rightfully so - he was a real SOB at times.

But...with a little bit of reasoning with myself, I can see that:

I stayed in the relationship for 5 years, knowing he wasn't it - and wasting his precious life right along with my own. Just hoping he'd shape into the person I wanted. In my attempts to help him become said nonexistent person, I gave him the silent treatment - often - that's pretty abusive. I ACTED like I hated him at times - also abusive. I blamed him, and manipulated him, called him names and just generally looked down on someone I 'loved' as if he were a lesser person than me.

So, even though he was a real SOB at times, so was I.....and that gives me an ounce of compassion for him...even though I want him no where near my life.

Here's the other thing, if they don't care enough to check in on you all, there isn't much reason to want them in your life. You have plenty of people that do want to, and are.

Hang in there, anger will eat a person right up and you deserve better than that!

NYCDoglvr

He's an adult alcoholic and nothing anyone says or does now can affect his drinking, including his family. It's strictly an inside job, he must want sobriety more than anything and work like the devil to get it.

BAW81

Thank you for saying this again because I often need to remind myself as I'm still learning...If I wasn't able to "help" him why should I blame his family for not "helping" him either.

I think I'm most angry that they never did anything to try and help. They came to visit a few days before he left for rehab and walked into the house with alcohol. They even made a cheers to him (all drinking alcohol in my house with me at the table) the night before they left.

Perhaps I am just mad at myself for allowing that to happen. I don't know.....Either way, Firebolt is right, I have so many other people in my life that I love and are extremely supportive, I should not give them one more minute of my brain space.

Thank you to everyone who listened. It felt better just to put it out there.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.