Yoshi1496

Hello all. Right now it is 5:47am. I just left my bf house. After a crazy night. My bf was intoxicated. It was one of those nights that I dealt with him yelling and telling me that our relationship is nothing and isnt"helping" him. Oh and its our anniversary as well.I am 21,and he is 30 (yes I know). I really don't think I want to do this anymore. On wed, his jae dislocated and me,him, and his mother were in the hospital all night. I was there by his side. Today, he yells me that he is fine and he went to work and all that. I have school from 12-8pm. I usually don't see him on Thursdays because of this. But he calls me around 9 and o can hear tthatvhe has been drinking. My phone was on Solent die to me being in school so he called me twice. I saw the missed calls and when he answered I heardbhim and knew it was gonna be a long night. So he's going on about why am I still out (it takes me about an hour to get home on Thursday and I was waiting on food I ordered) and that since I'm dressing IP for our anniversary I told him he doesn't have to be all dressy and that means I want other dudes to see me(idk that part didn't make sense but I didn't want him to overdress since we weren't doing anything real fancy and he took it as that). And he finally got to the point where he wanted me to come over because he claims he flat lined while they were putting his jaw back in place and he needed me because he was crying. I knew that this may have been a possibility but I also knew that he only acts all irrational like this when he drinks too much. So fast forward I go over there after him yelling and hanging up on me and talking over me for about an hour on the phone omw home. And its just even worse. My bf has been drinking for three years and has once tried to imply he gets a get like that because of me. And says I'm not helping him with his drinking. But I always thought that the person HAS to WANT to stop. He says I don't support him but one, he never admitted he had a problem until recently when he was drunk again and cursed me out over the phone at 12 am at night and the next day I told him and he claimed he didn't remember. I can elaborate once you guys respond. Its a lot to initially type. Overall, I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. I thought it would change but he says awful things about my character to me and I'm really the only person who cares about him. I tried to talk to him tonight about it since he was back and forth between crying and laughing and then just blew up because he wanted to have sex and I wanted him to rest and sleep it off. Idk what I was thinking trying to make some sense to a drunk person. I don't think this is what the universe has in store for me. So my question is, how do I go about ending the relationship? This is my first bf ever and I have to admit I don't love him the way I loved him before. Mainly due to these kinds of nights. I'm tired and I'm only 21.he wants to make me reapo aibke for his feelings but what he needs is help. Not a gf he wants to put all this on hoping it will fix
it.

dandylion

Yoshi....I am giving you this link to our extensive l ibrary of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones....I hope that you will read through them.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

If you were my own daughter, I would encourage you to exit the relationship, immediately.
You have your whole life ahead of you, and you don't need this kind of abusive person to be a p art of it.....
It would only get even worse.....
The whole idea of dating is to get to know another person....not, necessarily, to make a life commitment....
There are a gazillion men in this world....that will not treat you with disrespect.....You can do so much better than this!!

How to end it....Make it short and to the point. Use only "I" statements. Do it in a public place..and, do not even enter into arguments or debates. It is too late for that.
Make it clear that it is not what you want....it is not working out for you, and you are moving on.....

maia1234

Yoshi,
Welcome, and glad you reached out.
I don't blame you for wanting out, he is a 30 year old mean drunk. What is appealing to a 21 year old college student? Nothing!!!

Do you ever feel like you are hitting your head against the wall with all his abuse, and that you can never make him happy? That my friend is what life with a selfish addict is all about. You are a biatch, you don't help him, you don't do anything right. This is a form of abuse and you do not need to take it anymore.

So how do we make that change. First off, you can't change him, so that is not an option. He is an addict and doesn't have a problem with his drinking/behavior, but you can change. Make this incident your rock bottom, just like a drunk.

His behavior to you is abusive and no one needs that, especially at 21 years old. In my words, I would cut complete contact with him. You don't need to be verbally abused for hours by him. Block him on your phone, cut him off all social media, dont answer or read emails, stay completely away from him. The only way you can move forward is to not engage with this crazy drunk. Reach out to friends, and family, a counselor at school. You might also reach out to an alanon meeting and find out why his behavior is acceptable to you. Work on your self care and screw this very sick drunk. You are sooooooo much better then him. Move on, keep posting and don't engage in his crazy behavior as that then makes you just as crazy. There is help for you, you just need to seek support from the right people. Hugs yoshi, you will be ok!!

Nata1980

Hi Yoshi

Welcome!

I agree that you have all reasons to leave. You sound very healthy in a sense that your feelings for him faded due to abuse.

Walking out will be the best for you - and don't worry about him, the only person who can fix him is himself. As stated above, this will require cutting him off completely.

Good luck and keep coming back here!

Mountainmanbob

Maybe for now tell him that you wish for no contact couple weeks we don't need to hear from him. That would probably set him up for the goodbye in a couple weeks.

That was just a thought probably straight out truth is always the best see you later it just didn't work.

Your first boyfriend but for him I'm sure it's just happened before he will know what to do.

M-Bob

biminiblue

"I'm the only one who cares about him."

Gee, I can't imagine why that is.

/end sarcasm


Sounds pretty typical. I agree with everyone else. "See ya."

Maudcat

Hi, Yoshi.
I responded to your post on the Newcomer’s Forum.
Agree with the other posters. This is an abusive relationship that you should get out of.
Now.

Donnyb

Yoshi, you are a young woman with your whole life ahead of you, so don't waste anymore time in the present situation. Unless he seeks major help, every aspect of this situation is going to more than likely get worse. The drinking, the verbal abuse, and God forbid it turn physical but you have to know yourself it's not out of the question I can imagine. You need to live your life, finish school and be happy. You owe no one nothing!

Yoshi1496

Hi you guys. He called me about an hour ago and claims he doesn't remember and I just called and listed all the events and statements that happened the last night. He said that he was sorry but it doesn't mean anything to me that much anymore. I'm just scared because last summer on a night like this he yelled and screamed at his mother and me and I went home while he left with me and then was roaming the streets for a while and all in all he said if he jumped in front of a bus nobody would care. So I didn't break up with him that night. And I knew I was ready to do it that night after. Because I was scared and I was just tired of it. And I don't want that to happen because it's not fair that you get to hurt me and other people in your life and then just end it like that because you don't want to take responsibility. And I'm not the type of help that he needs because he claims that I'm not helping him so I'm confused as to why he doesn't just block my number and go.

biminiblue

I had a nutty ex who said he was going to jump off a bridge. It was all because I was going to break up with him.

I still broke up with him. He didn't jump. They pull that kind of manipulative crap all the time.

Next time, call 911. If he is in imminent danger of suicide, he'll get the help he needs. You are not his salvation. If he is bluffing, maybe that will be the last time.

But really I would just never talk to him again. It doesn't matter who breaks up with who. Just stop talking to him - and his family.

Hawkeye13

He's manipulating you with guilt to control your response and acceptance of
his unacceptable behavior.

As others have said, you cannot control someone's drinking,
and frankly, his verbal abuse is not just about drinking in my view.

This seems a good time to tell him you've had enough and you're done.
For that to work, you need to block his number and social media he's on.

He will try to reel you back in with anger, with tears, with claims like before
you aren't supporting him, he can't quit without your support, etc. etc. etc.

If you really want to see his true colors, tell him you will not consider restarting
the relationship until he has a solid year of sobriety and is working a program
of some kind--until he does, you are out of his life.

He'll most likely blow up when you say that--we say around here, if you want
to see how authentic someone's recovery actually is, just tell them no

At 21, your life is just starting. Don't ruin it by linking yourself so early
to abusive addict--you deserve so much more.

maia1234

Yoshi,
Of course he says he doesn't remember. Of course he says he's sorry. Of course life is so bad he wants to kill himself. He is not your responsibility to save. You are not a Dr. or a therapist, tell him to talk to them. Do not take responsibility of anyone elses life.

He goes on and on and you listen. Problem number one. Tell him you are busy with school, as there is no good excuse for the verbal abuse you take, Just none!! Tell him you need time to think and that you will call him when you are ready. Do not answer his calls, texts or anything. You need time to get your head straight. He fast talks you and makes you crazy and then you do not make calculated decisions. This is what has gotten you in this mess in the first place, you listen to his BS. He is not ready to grow up, sober up and work a program, so you are going to be the victim here.

(Also if he threatens to kill himself, you should call 911, as this is very common statements with addicts.) Don't Engage!!! Don't give him the platform to tell you anything anymore. NO Contact is what you need right now. Focus on school as that is what you need in your life as a 21 year old.

Donnyb

Well said Maia!!

AnvilheadII

I'm confused as to why he doesn't just block my number and go.

don't leave it up to him. block HIS number, ask your mother to stay out of it, and get back to living the life of a 21 year old.

dandylion

Yoshi.....I strongly advise that you not try to understand or figure him out....because you will n ever be able to do that. You know the most important thing...that he is toxic for your life.....that is all you have to k now in order to take care of yourself.....
Don't get into long discussions with him....that is a m istake that almost everyone makes, at this point. It allows opportunity for too much self doubt....

You are responsible for your own happiness....
You are the one who has to take action.

53500

Not your problem to analyze why he does anything. YOU block HIS number and go.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is at its essence self destructiveness. He hates himself so no one else can help. Save yourself: you have the potential of a magnificent life ahead but this isn't it.

velma929

I would add, have all the things he's left at your place with you in a box and hand it to him.

Not quite the same, but I had a man decline to get involved with me when I was dating after being widowed. He said, "You know when I asked you if you were emotionally available for a relationship? I realized that really *I'm* not. I'm sorry, and I hope you find someone." It's likely he was not attracted to me, but he made it sound like he was the one with the problem to spare my feelings.

It's not exactly a lie, either. You're no longer emotionally available *to him.*