Sad thoughts tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 534
Sad thoughts tonight
I was making some spaghetti tonight. I have been eating out the last year and a half and decided I would start making some nice meals. I went to drain the spaghetti and looking at it made me remember my son- because it was his favorite meal and he enjoyed cooking it with me.
I put the pot down and sobbed. He still won't speak to me- after 18 months, since I left XAH.
I gave up so much to leave XAH, and XAH has done everything in his power to hurt me. He delayed the financial settlement until it went all the way to court. And whatever he is telling the children- that I am selfish and unfair. I know he said that because DD knew all about the court dates and accused me of that and I didn't tell her about it.- So obviously XAH did.
I make lists of everything I gained by leaving him, but the pain of losing my children is so hard to bear.
Living in this little apartment has good and not so good things. I am looking for a house, and so far I haven't found something that would be good for me.
I am slowly rebuilding my life. I miss the beautiful home that I left behind. I had made it beautiful. It was comfortable, quiet, and convenient. I had wonderful neighbors. I don't want to go back there. I am afraid of XAH. And I cut off everything that would provide contact with him again. I cut off the neighbors. I cut off some friends that were friends with XAH. I stopped going to the health club we
went to. I avoid restaurants we used to go to. There is a pizza place we used to frequent and I went there once- and I was sooo uncomfortable. Maybe I went overboard, maybe not. I just didn't want to cave and go back.
I can buy a nice home and make it beautiful.
I can cultivate new neighbors.
I have family and friends who care.
Someday maybe my children will understand that I am not a terrible person for leaving their father- I am just a human being who wanted a better life and did not want to live with abuse and neglect anymore.
I put the pot down and sobbed. He still won't speak to me- after 18 months, since I left XAH.
I gave up so much to leave XAH, and XAH has done everything in his power to hurt me. He delayed the financial settlement until it went all the way to court. And whatever he is telling the children- that I am selfish and unfair. I know he said that because DD knew all about the court dates and accused me of that and I didn't tell her about it.- So obviously XAH did.
I make lists of everything I gained by leaving him, but the pain of losing my children is so hard to bear.
Living in this little apartment has good and not so good things. I am looking for a house, and so far I haven't found something that would be good for me.
I am slowly rebuilding my life. I miss the beautiful home that I left behind. I had made it beautiful. It was comfortable, quiet, and convenient. I had wonderful neighbors. I don't want to go back there. I am afraid of XAH. And I cut off everything that would provide contact with him again. I cut off the neighbors. I cut off some friends that were friends with XAH. I stopped going to the health club we
went to. I avoid restaurants we used to go to. There is a pizza place we used to frequent and I went there once- and I was sooo uncomfortable. Maybe I went overboard, maybe not. I just didn't want to cave and go back.
I can buy a nice home and make it beautiful.
I can cultivate new neighbors.
I have family and friends who care.
Someday maybe my children will understand that I am not a terrible person for leaving their father- I am just a human being who wanted a better life and did not want to live with abuse and neglect anymore.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
Hi qtpi
I never had kids so I can’t truly know or imagine how awful this feels for you.
But I am also having spaghetti and crying tonight, isn’t that something.
I was actually crying for the child I never had. I think of her sometimes, and I always miss her. I’ve never even been pregnant. Just tonight I think I’ve gotten in touch with why that is.
Anyway, we’re both crying about kids, and I wanted to connect on that.
For you all I can say is, they will be your children your whole life. And they are smart. All you can do is live each day and breathe. Sooner or later, they will probably figure it out. And you will be there.
I never had kids so I can’t truly know or imagine how awful this feels for you.
But I am also having spaghetti and crying tonight, isn’t that something.
I was actually crying for the child I never had. I think of her sometimes, and I always miss her. I’ve never even been pregnant. Just tonight I think I’ve gotten in touch with why that is.
Anyway, we’re both crying about kids, and I wanted to connect on that.
For you all I can say is, they will be your children your whole life. And they are smart. All you can do is live each day and breathe. Sooner or later, they will probably figure it out. And you will be there.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi....as a mother, I can absolutely feel your pain......
I am familiar with your story, from your previous posts, and I absolutely believe that, in time, they will come around...
I have seen this happen, so many times, with kids that made themselves "absent" for periods of time...sometimes, long periods of time....
My sister, took such an absence from the family for a very long period of time...nobody still knows why....when she decided to resume communications...she never talked much about it...almost as if it didn't happen....I remember how much my mother suffered during that time....I felt so bad for her...and couldn't figure out why my sister would act so weird....
I, also, fixed spaghetti for dinner, tonight....
I am familiar with your story, from your previous posts, and I absolutely believe that, in time, they will come around...
I have seen this happen, so many times, with kids that made themselves "absent" for periods of time...sometimes, long periods of time....
My sister, took such an absence from the family for a very long period of time...nobody still knows why....when she decided to resume communications...she never talked much about it...almost as if it didn't happen....I remember how much my mother suffered during that time....I felt so bad for her...and couldn't figure out why my sister would act so weird....
I, also, fixed spaghetti for dinner, tonight....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 23
Hi qtpi-- just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're hurting and sending you warmth and encouragement. I don't have any kids but I can relate to painful reminders interrupting my serenity. Memories are beautiful things to revel in but can also be painful triggers that come out of the blue. I think we all can relate to that - being struck all of sudden by a reminder of what used to be while we're trying so hard to overcome the pain of the present and move into the future. Have faith, your kids have a part of you in them, and surely the loving intensity you have is also in them too. Sending prayers that that will awaken in them too and you are reunited with them soon. Big hugs!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
qtpi,
I cried last night, too. For my own losses. I am sorry to read that I wasn't the only one (qtpi and nola
)
I hope that you were able to eat some of your yummy spaghetti last night, and that today will dawn just a bit brighter. I am sending you hugs and support.
I cried last night, too. For my own losses. I am sorry to read that I wasn't the only one (qtpi and nola
) I hope that you were able to eat some of your yummy spaghetti last night, and that today will dawn just a bit brighter. I am sending you hugs and support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,450
His addiction will continue to progress
and I suspect your kids will start to receive some of the abuse you got
as he continues to decline
If so or if not, they will eventually see firsthand--that's how it happened with
my mother
First she targeted my brother, then me, and only when it began to happen
to other family members and friends did anyone believe us and what we'd
lived with all those years.
It feels unjust and hurtful, but you did the right thing.
What about moving to a new and beautiful place?
By the sea or in the mountains?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by qtpi 
I was making some spaghetti tonight. I have been eating out the last year and a half and decided I would start making some nice meals. I went to drain the spaghetti and looking at it made me remember my son- because it was his favorite meal and he enjoyed cooking it with me.
I put the pot down and sobbed. He still won't speak to me- after 18 months, since I left XAH.
I gave up so much to leave XAH, and XAH has done everything in his power to hurt me. He delayed the financial settlement until it went all the way to court. And whatever he is telling the children- that I am selfish and unfair. I know he said that because DD knew all about the court dates and accused me of that and I didn't tell her about it.- So obviously XAH did.
I make lists of everything I gained by leaving him, but the pain of losing my children is so hard to bear.
Living in this little apartment has good and not so good things. I am looking for a house, and so far I haven't found something that would be good for me.
I am slowly rebuilding my life. I miss the beautiful home that I left behind. I had made it beautiful. It was comfortable, quiet, and convenient. I had wonderful neighbors. I don't want to go back there. I am afraid of XAH. And I cut off everything that would provide contact with him again. I cut off the neighbors. I cut off some friends that were friends with XAH. I stopped going to the health club we
went to. I avoid restaurants we used to go to. There is a pizza place we used to frequent and I went there once- and I was sooo uncomfortable. Maybe I went overboard, maybe not. I just didn't want to cave and go back.
I can buy a nice home and make it beautiful.
I can cultivate new neighbors.
I have family and friends who care.
Someday maybe my children will understand that I am not a terrible person for leaving their father- I am just a human being who wanted a better life and did not want to live with abuse and neglect anymore.
I put the pot down and sobbed. He still won't speak to me- after 18 months, since I left XAH.
I gave up so much to leave XAH, and XAH has done everything in his power to hurt me. He delayed the financial settlement until it went all the way to court. And whatever he is telling the children- that I am selfish and unfair. I know he said that because DD knew all about the court dates and accused me of that and I didn't tell her about it.- So obviously XAH did.
I make lists of everything I gained by leaving him, but the pain of losing my children is so hard to bear.
Living in this little apartment has good and not so good things. I am looking for a house, and so far I haven't found something that would be good for me.
I am slowly rebuilding my life. I miss the beautiful home that I left behind. I had made it beautiful. It was comfortable, quiet, and convenient. I had wonderful neighbors. I don't want to go back there. I am afraid of XAH. And I cut off everything that would provide contact with him again. I cut off the neighbors. I cut off some friends that were friends with XAH. I stopped going to the health club we
went to. I avoid restaurants we used to go to. There is a pizza place we used to frequent and I went there once- and I was sooo uncomfortable. Maybe I went overboard, maybe not. I just didn't want to cave and go back.
I can buy a nice home and make it beautiful.
I can cultivate new neighbors.
I have family and friends who care.
Someday maybe my children will understand that I am not a terrible person for leaving their father- I am just a human being who wanted a better life and did not want to live with abuse and neglect anymore.
I have a tension filled relationship with my daughter too. She encouraged me to leave yet i feel like she blames me and is resentful. Just wanted you to know youre not alone and im thinking of you.
(((((Hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Sending you strength. I have a much younger daughter who lives with me but is angry with me a lot of the time because she believes I am the problem and the one who is keeping her from spending as much time as she wants with her (drunk, manipulative, mentally ill and angry) father. I too am holding onto the hope that she figures out some time that I am not to blame for her father's addiction and erratic behavior.
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