viola71

So I was at therapy today for the first time in a month. I updated therapist, i.e. homecoming, college apps, and text harassment for DD from AH etc. We talked about how I am holding my boundaries and doing a great job with my kids. I mentioned that I'm just sad I can't believe that this is my life and I am coming to grips with the fact that AH would rather give up his family then give up drinking. I told her I'm not angry anymore I'm just sad. My therapist said I want you to be angry don't give that away. I told her that for me it's exhausting being angry and I just don't want to be trapped in that thinking about it constantly anymore. Any thoughts from you wise ones, is it healthy to lay the anger down or am I just avoiding, or maybe I'm just tired. Thoughts?

hopeful4

I think I understand both sides. For myself, I have to allow myself to get angry at times just because if not I will allow myself to get walked all over. However, that is just situational. When I was carrying all that anger around, allowing it to make me a miserable person, it was time to let that go.

I hope this makes sense at all?

Big hugs friend.

BAW81

I think you should definitely ask your therapist to explain at your next session, hopefully it isn't going to be another month before you go back? I tend to agree with Sylvie that perhaps your therapist, who knows you I assume, is nervous that you're not allowing yourself to fully experience your anger and move through it?

I read something recently about thinking of emotions like a train in a tunnel and if you avoid anger or sadness or emotionXYZ, it's like jumping off the train and it will take you longer to get to where you're meant to go. The story is meant for parents of toddlers who are having tantrums, encouraging the parents to allow the child to cry and kick and scream for a few minutes because they will move on more quickly than if the parents interrupt them trying to keep them from fully feeling their emotions.....anyway, it made sense to me and while I am trying to apply it to my own toddler, I'm also trying to allow myself the room to fully feel my emotions so I can move on...

I hope this is helpful.

amy55

I think "anger" gets a really bad rap. When we think of anger we see people screaming, yelling, ranting or whatever. I don't think that's what anger is.

To me "anger" is motivational. To me, it's like taking my power back because a situation has upset me and I don't want that situation to happen again.

I know many times when I was married that I was angry. I was angry enough to move on, to move out, to do something different with my life, then I let that anger subside. And...... I stayed, and stayed.................................until I could no longer contain the anger.

Just think of anger as a powerful emotion. Something that will help you with whatever you need to do so that you can live the life that you want.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

hopeful4

I agree with you Amy, until it becomes bigger and becomes a problem you cannot control. My life for a time was absolutely being overtaken by anger and resentment. I was miserable, and my children were becoming miserable as well. That is when I knew that I was no longer controlling it, it was controlling me.

It took me a lot of education and therapy to get where I am today. I do still get angry in certain situations, but I deal with it right then, and don't carry it around from day to day. That is what got me where I was, and I don't want to go back there.

hearthealth

When I'm sad I sit and do nothing. I will ruminate. When I'm angry I'm thinking how I will change this situation? It's almost like complete opposites to me. Though too much anger can be tiring also.

viola71

I guess for me I am tired of living in anger. I have been angry for years I have expressed my anger for years I am not a bottler by any means. Usually I am angry I express it and then its gone but for the last few years it never disappeared because my situation wasn't changing. I have now changed my situation and I am tired of carrying this anger around I just want to enjoy my life. Maybe my therapist is afraid that lack of anger will lead to self esteem issues which are my achilles heel. I don't know. I know I deserve better, I know I deserve to be happy. I don't know how to be happy while carrying around the past. I can't make any sense of the past I have tried. My brain understands disease but it is so hard to live with that on a daily basis. I am sad that almost 22 years have gone by and I didn't value myself during that time. I am sad that the person who I thought I married was just a mirage. I am tired of this experience sneaking in to steal even one more moment of peace and joy. I am not angry with myself anymore, I did my best given my FOO and my skill set. I am not angry that AH fooled me he was fooling himself as well. I guess I am just mourning the loss of what I thought I was working so hard for and mourning all the time I should have honored and valued myself. There is only one thing more sad and that would have been to let it continue for even more time I know that. I simply don't have the energy to be angry anymore I would rather use that energy to nurture myself. These are all the jumbled thoughts in my head right now

hopeful4

This is good stuff. It takes people YEARS to come to these realizations, and some never do.

Maybe now is a time to put in a plan of action. What are things you are doing, can do, to make your own life more happy and bring you joy? For each person it's different. Right now I am on a journey to become more healthy physically. I feel I did so many thing for my emotional health that now I want my body to follow.

I am also going to choose to either be part of or lead some sort of group likely at church by the end of the year. I want to give back, and I feel this will be a way to do so.

I have enjoyed camping trips this summer. I enjoy a walking group that walks our dogs together.

None of these things just came to me. It's like I had to get to know myself all over again, and it's a work in progress for sure. My therapist thinks I need to change my field of employment because I feel burned out. That involves me going back to school. I don't know if I am ready for that, but I am thinking about it.

I guess my point is that it's healthy to move forward. To focus on YOU, your own wants, needs, enjoyment. It's healthy to let the anger go and be a more happy you!

Big hugs friend!

BAW81

Viola - I think its amazing that you're choosing not to be angry anymore and focus on the future. perhaps, as long as it is a conscious choice to help yourself move on, then it is the perfect choice. Remember, therapists are people too and they don't always know better than we do. Trust yourself and be good to yourself!

OpheliaKatz

Viola, I have a hard time holding on to anger. I tend to let it go and forgive and forget. And this is what made it easy for me to keep forgiving and forgetting my A's abusive behavior for years, and it kept me in the relationship long enough to fall in love with him and stay for much longer than was wise. So maybe this is why you are being told to be angry? Anger can be self-protective.

NYCDoglvr

I certainly relate to your sadness. Yes there was a lot of anger but most of all it was just depressing, especially during the period I thought I was stuck in this situation. Giving up dreams and hope is very sad. Snapping out of it only came when I got to Alanon and learned how to take my life back (by dumping the alcoholic).