Perspective, please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 26
Perspective, please
Hi there! My XAP (alcoholic partner) and I have been together for just over four years. A year ago he relapsed after being sober for almost two years. It went from bad to worse very, very fast (depressive, non-functioning, no job, no income, drinking all day and all night) and I made the decision to leave the relationship - thankfully, we live in separate apartments, which made it WAY easier.
But, of course, it wasn't easy on my heart. I never went no-contact, but just kept stating my boundaries, explaining that I wouldn't re-commit to him until he was at least 30 days sober and with a solid recovery plan. I still had plenty of hope. We had seen each other a few times over the past few months. He then revealed that he still had feelings for me and felt that he also needed to tell me that he had become engaged to another woman, after I had broken up with him.
At that point, I wished him well (felt completely shattered), cut off contact and found this site. I have started doing a lot of reading and am trying to put my heart back together. I see much more clearly the damage that alcoholism has caused in my life - the lies, the deceit, the turning around and blaming everything on me. His version: our relationship troubles are because I won't commit to him. My version: I won't commit to you until you are in active, long-term recovery.
A few days ago, I got a call from the hospital -he was detoxing and then will be going to rehab. He asked if I would come up and visit him. I felt strong enough to see him and decided to go. The visit left me feeling detached and rather sad. For the first time in the four years that we've together, I just didn't have any hope for the situation. He talked again about how much he loves me and then referred to rehab as "that place you get brain-washed". He kept asking if I loved him and whether I would stand by him during rehab. He made a vague reference to this other woman (no idea whether she is still really in the picture or not), I simply ignored the comment and steered the conversation back to neutral territory. The whole thing just felt like a giant pressure tactic to see if I was willing to run back. What it truly felt like was him measuring his options as to the softest place to land when this all goes sideways again. If I agreed, he would stick it out with me. If I reject him, he will try his luck elsewhere.
I don't want back into the relationship, I'm not interested in supporting him through his recovery, I have no interest in even discussing anything with him at this juncture. I told him that the only thing I wanted to focus on was doing my fair share of healing and that this wasn't the appropriate time to even investigate whether we have a future.
Red flags for flying all over the place and, for the first time, I decided to pay attention ... and yet I just feel so incredibly sad.
But, of course, it wasn't easy on my heart. I never went no-contact, but just kept stating my boundaries, explaining that I wouldn't re-commit to him until he was at least 30 days sober and with a solid recovery plan. I still had plenty of hope. We had seen each other a few times over the past few months. He then revealed that he still had feelings for me and felt that he also needed to tell me that he had become engaged to another woman, after I had broken up with him.
At that point, I wished him well (felt completely shattered), cut off contact and found this site. I have started doing a lot of reading and am trying to put my heart back together. I see much more clearly the damage that alcoholism has caused in my life - the lies, the deceit, the turning around and blaming everything on me. His version: our relationship troubles are because I won't commit to him. My version: I won't commit to you until you are in active, long-term recovery.
A few days ago, I got a call from the hospital -he was detoxing and then will be going to rehab. He asked if I would come up and visit him. I felt strong enough to see him and decided to go. The visit left me feeling detached and rather sad. For the first time in the four years that we've together, I just didn't have any hope for the situation. He talked again about how much he loves me and then referred to rehab as "that place you get brain-washed". He kept asking if I loved him and whether I would stand by him during rehab. He made a vague reference to this other woman (no idea whether she is still really in the picture or not), I simply ignored the comment and steered the conversation back to neutral territory. The whole thing just felt like a giant pressure tactic to see if I was willing to run back. What it truly felt like was him measuring his options as to the softest place to land when this all goes sideways again. If I agreed, he would stick it out with me. If I reject him, he will try his luck elsewhere.
I don't want back into the relationship, I'm not interested in supporting him through his recovery, I have no interest in even discussing anything with him at this juncture. I told him that the only thing I wanted to focus on was doing my fair share of healing and that this wasn't the appropriate time to even investigate whether we have a future.
Red flags for flying all over the place and, for the first time, I decided to pay attention ... and yet I just feel so incredibly sad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 26
I know you are right, Dandylion. The thing I'm trying to remember is how good I was feeling a couple of days ago. I was feeling sad, but pretty peaceful. One visit with him and everything feels upside down again. I want to believe that he's taking care of himself, but my guts are just screaming that it's not the case. I just wish my heart would catch up to my brain!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think we can always see things more clearly once we step back and away from the relationship. Glad you are seeing the reality instead of the wishful, hopeful, fantasy of what could be if only.......
No new contact = no new hurts!
No new contact = no new hurts!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Originally Posted by Rosie2017 
He talked again about how much he loves me and then referred to rehab as "that place you get brain-washed". He kept asking if I loved him and whether I would stand by him during rehab. He made a vague reference to this other woman (no idea whether she is still really in the picture or not), I simply ignored the comment and steered the conversation back to neutral territory. The whole thing just felt like a giant pressure tactic to see if I was willing to run back. What it truly felt like was him measuring his options as to the softest place to land when this all goes sideways again. If I agreed, he would stick it out with me. If I reject him, he will try his luck elsewhere.
Your gut is very wise--if he thinks rehab is all about brainwashing,
he sure isn't in recovery, and he'll be off the wagon and drinking in a flash.
Take care of you, stay no contact from now on, and things will get easier and clearer.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Feel the pain Rosie, it does hurt. Just like an addict you are withdrawing. Stay no contact from all avenues, email, phone, social media. Every time you engage you are start back at day 1. If he gets through, tell him you wish him and his fiancee well and move on to a much better life with out alcohlism involved. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: South Texas
Posts: 12
There is every possibility that his recovery (rinse-repeat) will not be helped by contact with you if he sees you as a soft landing. I don't see any upside for either of you as heartbreaking as this is. I'm pretty new at this but getting a sense of how utterly painful all this can be as I face my own future. I wish you peace and hope and a life where you find someone you can trust with all your heart. Worth it.
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