Shouldn't have quit quitting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
Shouldn't have quit quitting
Good evening,
I had just over 250 days, but progress was so slow that I just snapped.
Some of you may remember that I'm in the middle of a failing marriage (not necessarily drink-related but awful nonetheless). My wife told me she wanted to spend her 40th birthday on vacation with her friend (also turning 40) at Montreal. That is, not with me and the kids etc. I try not to be jealous and I have always tried to actively give my wife room to do the things she wants to do, but this was too hard to deal with.
The problem is that now I've blown my streak, I'm finding it quite difficult to get motivated to start again. Falling off the wagon was catastrophic --- the rest of the wagon train ran me straight over and I binged for three days. But since then the "auto-pilot" has kicked back in and I find myself stopping at a gas station or grocery store every night on the way home from work. I have beer hidden under the spare tire in the car/ I stay up late "to catch upon work" every night. I got pretty drunk at my daughter's birthday party (she's 3). Disgusted with myself now that I write it out.
I tried thinking about what I should do to make things work this time round and was a bit shocked that i didn't actually do anything during recovery but not drink and post sometimes on SR. I don't think the obsession really abated that much. I listened to the odd podcast but increasingly found them irritating.
But a lot of the things you can do in recovery are hard work. Especially if you are depressed and under pressure. Marriage, fatherhood, work... all the usual stuff that I find so overwhelming.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm seeing my family doctor tomorrow so perhaps I shall update tomorrow.
At least eight months sober revealed how big the problem is!!!
I had just over 250 days, but progress was so slow that I just snapped.
Some of you may remember that I'm in the middle of a failing marriage (not necessarily drink-related but awful nonetheless). My wife told me she wanted to spend her 40th birthday on vacation with her friend (also turning 40) at Montreal. That is, not with me and the kids etc. I try not to be jealous and I have always tried to actively give my wife room to do the things she wants to do, but this was too hard to deal with.
The problem is that now I've blown my streak, I'm finding it quite difficult to get motivated to start again. Falling off the wagon was catastrophic --- the rest of the wagon train ran me straight over and I binged for three days. But since then the "auto-pilot" has kicked back in and I find myself stopping at a gas station or grocery store every night on the way home from work. I have beer hidden under the spare tire in the car/ I stay up late "to catch upon work" every night. I got pretty drunk at my daughter's birthday party (she's 3). Disgusted with myself now that I write it out.
I tried thinking about what I should do to make things work this time round and was a bit shocked that i didn't actually do anything during recovery but not drink and post sometimes on SR. I don't think the obsession really abated that much. I listened to the odd podcast but increasingly found them irritating.
But a lot of the things you can do in recovery are hard work. Especially if you are depressed and under pressure. Marriage, fatherhood, work... all the usual stuff that I find so overwhelming.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm seeing my family doctor tomorrow so perhaps I shall update tomorrow.
At least eight months sober revealed how big the problem is!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I definitely had a big personal to do list my first year GTB.
I had to stop myself from getting impatient, because a very wise person to;ld me the journey is the gift and not the destination.
Its like guitar - noone plays like the delta bluesmen right off - you have to learn a few basics before you get to the good stuff
D
I had to stop myself from getting impatient, because a very wise person to;ld me the journey is the gift and not the destination.
Its like guitar - noone plays like the delta bluesmen right off - you have to learn a few basics before you get to the good stuff
D
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,387
The work you talk about is work every human being has to do constantly, whether they're in recovery or not. It's true, there's a lot of ongoing work to do if we're trying to do this human thing right.
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