shauna71

Hi there. Since I posted almost a month ago, I have been feeling really positive about the separation from my ABF. My life is so much more peaceful and my grieving felt like it was starting to subside. I've caught up on my finances, start exercising more ... lots and lots of positives. This weekend we are celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving - a holiday I love because I love listing all the things that I'm grateful for, but not one that I anticipated getting very emotional over.

Today, we all gathered over at my mother's place for a big, beautiful lunch. I was feeling jittery before arriving at my mom's and I couldn't quite figure out why. About 15 minutes into our meal, I had to excuse myself and then sat in the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out. I hadn't seen it coming. All the memories from the past get-togethers over the last year and a half came flooding back. My XABF had been sober for all of them and had made a huge effort to join (and enjoy) in all of them. I had truly felt that we had turned a corner. Now, I am sitting with my family enjoying a beautiful meal, surrounded by love and happiness and my X is sitting in a dark room drinking a bottle of vodka a day. The man I loved is gone, our life together is gone and there is truly nothing left.

Let me make it clear - I have no interest in jumping back on that ride. I am so grateful for deciding to leave, so grateful for firm boundaries, so grateful that my kids and I are happy and healthy. I'm grateful for having the time to heal from all of this and grateful for the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other while I build a happy, healthy life for myself and my boys. But man, today the sadness of the whole situation was just crushing.

Why am I still grieving for something that no longer exists?

DjSmithsfsd

Thank you for sharing. I am in the throws of deciding whether or not to leave my AH. Like, really coming to terms with it after 3 years of struggling with his disease, and 11 years of marriage. It’s a tough decision, and the life you have begun for yourself inspires me. It is what I envision my life without him... caught up on finances and focusing on my health.
I have spent the last three years grieving the marriage I thought we could have had. Perhaps that is what is happening for you? You saw the man he could have been; the relationship you could have had. And that is what you are grieving. It’s ok to feel sad for the life you had envisioned with him. But I hope you can find solace in knowing the future you are building for yourself now is happy, healthy and content.

shauna71

Thank you so much for what you wrote, DJ! I cannot tell you how much it has helped. My X and I were together for four and a half years and so much of it was dominated by addiction, abuse, and manipulation. After 16 months of sobriety, things were moving in a more positive direction - at least for me. His relapse has been horrific and it got so, so, bad, so very, very fast. He relapsed this past February, I broke up with him in April and then went back and forth on my decision until September. In a way, I am grateful for how abusive, angry and manipulative he became - it was easier for me to leave. He, of course, blames me for all of it - I rejected him, if I were truly committed I would have stood by him, no matter what ...

I've been beating myself up for months - still convinced that I was the problem in our relationship. He claims I have anger issues - but he used to push me and push me until I finally blew ... and then, of course, everything was my fault. If only I was calmer, if only I knew how to communicate better. I joined this site in September and then everything got so clear. I have a right to a happy life, I have a right to give my children a mother who respects boundaries, can talk honestly about emotions and doesn't keep her life small because she's too afraid to say 'enough is enough'.

You are so right - I am grieving for everything I've lost, but deciding to heal myself is allowing me to gain EVERYTHING. I am so sorry you are at a crossroads - it is a heartwrenching decision. I am so sorry for your sorrow and grief. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you are being kind to yourself and that you remember of just how much happiness, peace, and health you deserve - not because of what you have done, but simply because of who you are.
I am sending you a great big hug and so, so, so much love.

DjSmithsfsd

Thanks for all you have shared! It’s amazing how we all have so many common threads in our experiences. And it’s truly a blessing that we all have each other to lean on and share stories and wisdom. Your story gives me the inspiration I need to put one foot in front of the other and continue one day at a time. Hugs and love to you as well!

maia1234

Shauna,
Feel the pain. Before you were always wrapped up in his drama that you had no time to feel anything.

Sending hugs and take one day at a time.

Bekindalways

Hi Shauna, the picture you painted above is sad even to me and so many of these people are amazing, intelligent, wonderful individuals choosing a living death.

So so sorry for your grief but it is understandable. We humans don't leave relationships without grief. It is part of the process and man oh man oh man is it difficult.

Keep getting through the days; it will get better and you will indeed be side-walloped by sadness on occasions such as these. Each grieving session puts you a bit closer to healing.

Tryingin2016

You may need to temporarily have a new holiday tradition. I did that over the last 11 months since XAH moved out. XAH did show up at Christmas at a relatives house so I think this year I'm going to find somewhere else to go.

The holidays are the hardest. Have a back up plan. the sadness really does take over so much.

honeypig

Here's a 2-part article that might help you answer this question, shauna:

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf