Snoopy664

Tears
I am new here and don’t know how to navigate or post a “new post”.
It looks like my 8 years with my husband is over. A little over a month ago, he started in the morning, which was normal, yelling and criticizing me. It went on all day. Well then that night be went to the bar continued to drink and came home to continue yelling such hurtful things. Long story short, he attacked me, I defended myself, called the police and I got arrested because they said he had a mark on his face. I told them what he did and that he was drinking all day and at the bar but no, for the first time in my 48 years in this world I get arrested.
This whole thing has just devastated me, I am humiliated by him yet again and he is going around bad mouthing me.
This has been back and forth for years but I have stuck in there, supported him when he had no money, when his mom died, with support for a new job and doing things he has been wanting to get back to and so forth. All this to still be treated like I am a horrible hateful person. We have had some great times but some horrible times as well. The first time he actually first hit me was this past May. He actually knocked me out. Our new St. Bernard puppy woke me, he was pawing at me and licking my face. When I came to and went down stairs, the one I thought was the love of my life was just sitting at the desk drinking yet another beer.
This is unfortunately not my first rodeo with an abuser but this one was gradual with the worst being the last 4 years. How do I keep getting in relationships with these men? I didn’t grow up with an abusive family at all but I keep being abused both physically and/or sexually.
Can someone tell me how to move on from this? Someone please tell me why I still love him so much? We have had so many good times, that I miss and that seems to be what I am holding onto. I feel like I am falling apart at the seems.

Maudcat

Hi, Snoopy.
Welcome. Glad you found us.
What would you like to do? Want to leave? Can you, financially?
Do you have a supportive network of friends or family on whom you can count during this dark time?
Hitting, belittling, insulting, is physical and emotional abuse.
Sorry about the fracas with law enforcement. Sometimes things can go sideways.
Good luck. Keep coming back.

dandylion

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)


https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...13326-how.html (How to ...)

dandylion

Snoopy.....you are living in an abusive relationship.....
It is not your fault. It is wrong, and he has no right to do that.

You need help and protection......and, it is imperative for you to get support from the people who can offer you that....

I gave you the above links to our library of excellent articles on abuse...

Snoopy664

Thank you, I’m glad I found you too.
I am living in an apt with very little because I have only been allowed to go back to retrieve some things once.
The day I got out of jail with new bruises in tow I had no were to go and nothing to my name. It kills me because I didn’t do anything but defend myself. I was to start a new job that day and had to be humiliated more and told them what happened. Thankfully they have been great and understanding.
I don’t have much family left. Now it’s just my mom, who moved into assisted living this summer, and my son.

dandylion

Snoopy...please call your local domestic violence organization....and, talk to them, telling them just what you have told us. It is totally confidential....they are very understanding and non judgemental......
they can help you in the practical ways...and have resources at their fingertips that you may no know about. They can help you find the legal assistance that you so badly need, right now....
They will be on your side.
You have absolutely nothing to lose by contacting them, but you have everything to gain.....

Snoopy664

Thank you for the links, I will take a look at them.
I have my attorney who is going to file abuse charges against my husband. We are also fighting the charges against me. I have many witnesses to years of abusiveness.
Although, I don’t like to bother people with my stuff so I haven’t reached out to people. I am starting to close myself off again.
Through all this, I ask myself...why do I love him so much and why do I still hope for things to get better?
I know darn well it won’t change but I still can’t imagine my life without him. My head goes back and forth...mad, done and I am ok straight to hurt, pain, sadness, etc. I feel like I am losing my mind.
I am a very loving person who cannot understand being so cruel to another.

Snoopy664

Thank you. I actually hadn’t thought about doing that especially since I am out of her house and my mother has helped me to pay for an attorney.
I can’t believe my life has come to this. I spent 10 years raising my son by myself after my divorce from my abusive ex-husband so I could “find” myself. Well, I did and things were great and I fell in love with the most amazing man, whose alcoholism that has gotten way worse, and now this.

dandylion

Snoopy, yes, do call them....they can help you in so many ways....and you need all the emotional support you can get.....

Tryingin2016

When you have been living with abuse it becomes your new "normal."

It's not love. Love is not like that.

Good luck. I hope you find safety. Please keep posting.

Refiner

Hi, Snoopy I'm sorry you ended up here but am glad you found this site of amazing people and support. My guess is that through the previous abuse you lost respect and love for yourself and after you got out of that situation, put all your time and effort into making your son's life as good as you could. The one thing left out of the equation is self-care for YOU. Then "Mr. Wonderful" came along and you fell hard bc no one had treated you with "love and understanding" for so long! Then after a few years, his true self rears its ugly head and you're left with exactly the type of monster you had before. You're thinking... NO WAY this can be happening again! It was my life before, it can't be my life again! Well, the unfair answer is YES, it very well can be and sounds like it is. I really hope you find the resources to help support your self-worth and know that you are worth standing up for and love yourself for who you are without having another "being" (especially a MAN) decide your worth for you. You sound like an amazing person, by the way!

Bekindalways

Welcome Snoopy and so so sorry for what you are going through.

It does sound like the only way for you is up . . . .hey some good news! (-;

I hope you find lots of support here. Please let us know how you get on.

Snoopy664

I am going to my first Alonon erring tonight. My anxiety is in overdrive right now because we have a date for court next Tuesday.
I have been doing some reading which has been an eye opener, about my husbands addiction to alcohol as well as my part in being a bit codependent in the relationship. I can see how I have done the opposite of helping him. I feel the guilt heavy in my chest. I am thankful for this knowledge and will work hard on myself to make my changes I need to do no matter what happens to our relationship.
Feeling all over the place. I can’t sleep as my mind races.

dandylion

Snoopy, do you have anyone going to court with you, for support?
Don't worry about the alanon meeting...you will find that they will welcome you, warmly. You will not be judged...you will be accepted....they will understand beyond mere words....

LovePeaceSushi

Snoopy,

I put off Al-Anon for the longest time because I thought I could handle it myself, I thought it was a sign of weakness, and frankly, I just thought I was better than that. - - -WRONG ON ALL ACCOUNTS!---

I had become so numb that I couldn't remember the last time I cried from hurt feelings or anger. (I cry at Kleenex commercials all the time! LOL) Well, after sitting through that Al-Anon meeting and hearing one person after the next, I found myself crying. It was as if I was looking in a mirror as I listened to each person tell their story. It was honestly one of the best hours of my life. Don't be nervous about tonight's meeting - - I think you'll get a lot out of it.

I am sorry about the legal stuff you're going through. That is straight up BS. The cops aren't there when the alcoholic is getting in your face, pushing you around, calling you names, etc. I am glad your employer was so understanding. Hang in there, keep going to Al-Anon, and keep coming here. ((hugs))

Snoopy664

Refiner,
Thank you for putting that exactly how things have been with my relationships. When I gat me printer back, I would love to print that as a daily reminder to myself to “take care of me”, if you don’t mind?
It also made me think about when my husband was in rehab before. It is blatantly clear to me now that I was no help to him at all, I did everything I should NOT have done. I also remember conversations we had when he was there, they were brief but I remember his calm. Our conversations were calm and loving. He would always say, “I love you and no matter what happens, know that”. God, I miss him so much. I miss that we were always excited to share something great that happened in our day or when we would achieve something new or old that we hadn’t done in a long time. Then I think about the “other” person who yelled and called me lazy and so forth. It’s all so confusing at times and then clear as a bell. Is this normal? Is this my “new” normal?

Snoopy664

Thank you. You just made me cry and laugh at the same time. I have been crying at the drop of a hat and I don’t like to cry in front of others, especially strangers so that makes me nervous. I am not very good at accepting others help, I have always been the helper. I have to change my thinking and I will work on that.
I started to laugh when I saw your name...PeaceLoveSushi because I had sushi for lunch today and at work a co-worker asked me why I eat so much of it. I said because I love it, it bring peace in my tummy! Lol
The “law” stuff upsets me for one, because I am the one who called the police for help and I told them that he had been drinking all day and came home from the bar yelling. What part of any of that did they not understand? Apparently, ALL of it!

dandylion

Snoopy...is anyone going to court, with you, for support?

Snoopy664

I do not have anyone to go with me. My mom is upset enough and has a few health issues. My son would just to support me but he is very angry. He does not trust the law or many people. He is high functioning but Autistic and just does not understand the whole of the issues. I don’t want to involve him anymore than he already has been.

dandylion

Snoopy, you can call the domestic violence center and ask the to arrange for someone to be there for you. They help with this kind of thing, all the time....
Call them tonight.....the earlier that you call them, the better.....
It is so important for you to have someone with you.....someone who understands the court system and can explain things to you and calm your nerves....