maia1234

Snoopy,
Welcome and glad you reached out. We are family here on sr and we can help you walk through this mess. It amazes me that they are the drunks, but you are the crazy one that gets arrested. Ugh!!

I am glad you posted this, so when you are missing your addict, you have this story documented, and you can reread it. I hope this is what you needed to stay away from your very abusive husband. This might be God's way of seperating the two of you.

First off cut contact. No social media, no email or phone. Block him completely. You don't need to have any future conversations with a drunk. Second, just like dandy said call the dv hot line. They are a wealth of knowledge and can help you more then you know. It is confidential so don't worry. I know that you said you don't need help, but sometimes we all need help. Take it!!

Do you have a friend that can go with you to court, or maybe someone from alanon who can help. Face to face support helps. You need to stay strong. When you feel the urge to to call and talk to him, come post. We will talk you out of reaching out. We all know now that that is no longer a healthy option for you.

Sending hugs, stay strong and keep posting.

amy55

Hi Snoopy,

I really am sorry that you had to find us, but happy that you did find this terrific community.

I was also in an abusive relationship. I wasn't arrested for DV, but I was charged with it. See, my ex hit me, and I called 911, I went to the hospital, he went to jail, but I did bite him to defend myself, and I was also charged.

I agree with everyone here about calling DV. The # is 1-800-799-SAFE. It seems that you went through many years of verbal and emotional abuse before it turned physical. I called them, they were a life saver for me. I had thought I was going crazy.

I noticed that you said you tend to isolate yourself, please don't do that. You have us to talk to. I did isolate myself and it took me that much longer to get out of my relationship.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
and here for you
amy

amy55

I also wanted to say to call your county courthouse, they usually do have a DV advocate there. This person can go to court with you.

Snoopy664

Hi Amy,
Thank you for your wise words and I am so sorry you had to go through what you did! I have come to realize that we do not do enough in this beautiful country to educate and understand many things like, alcoholism, domestic abuse, mental health, and the like.
I am learning who my friends are through this and the list has gotten really short. I have isolated myself with my reading, meditation, growth, affirmations to myself, getting used to my new life, learning to forgive (myself and my husband), getting used to being by myself again, getting used to not being yelled at for relaxing, learning to relax and getting off my own back because of stuff that I was so used to doing a certain way or time. It has been really good for me. Today, an old neighbor told me my husband brought a woman home last night from the bar. A week ago, I would have become a mess over it but today, I was able to (for the most part), let it be what it is. Don’t get me wrong though because it does hurt but I remind myself that it is his choice and that the choices he is making are masked but the alcohol. I also found out he lost one of his jobs, and of course blaming me because I cut his phone off. Not paying for his things anymore! He got a large inheritance from his moms passing this year. He can pay for his own stuff for once. I think he may have lost his other job as well.
It hurts me to know the talent he possesses within him just go down the tubes but again, I can’t fix it for him. I have to work on myself and moving forward for my life now.
A frustrating thing too is that all my stuff is still at the house and the DA has dragged his feet.

amy55

Hi Snoopy,

How did your court date go. I think it was on the 12th, but I can be wrong.

I do understand how it hurt you to find out he brought a woman to the house, but I think you handled this well.

I read that you also have a lawyer. Is this for a divorce, or was this for that night?

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

theuncertainty

Hi, Snoopy664. I'm so, so sorry for how your AH treated you and then how you were treated when you reached out for help from the police. While I never got the courage to call the police during or after AXH would hurt or threaten me, I was in a relationship that sounds so similar to what you've shared.

Being in a relationship with an abusive partner is never clear or logical. There were so many things that kept me tied to AXH... There were good times (otherwise I wouldn't have stayed through the first few weeks/months/years). If he had been an utter s*** a good portion of the time we were together, I'm pretty sure I would have walked. I did it with other guys.... There were enough good things about AXH that I hoped - I believed - that the good would appear more often. And he was aware enough about my insecurities and personality traits that he knew how to turn things around to where I would find it plausible that I did something -- wrong, or inefficiently, or I wasn't clear... "Maybe I really wasn't clear about how his statement was hurtful the first few times he said something similar - I'll explain it better this time..." He knew how to create doubt in myself and use it to his advantage. Et cetera.

I don't know what it is in your case. But I know it took me a long time to see what parts of Me he was using against me. And once I saw it, it took even longer to not blame myself for it.

There's a reason I always try to line it out as an "abusive partner" and not an "abusive relationship." If it was the "relationship" - if it was the combination of Me and Him - that was abusive, it wouldn't be recreated with his next partner. But I've watched the same scenario play out between him and 2 new GFs. It's not the relationship; it's him.

You are moving forward. I don't know if you can see that yet - I couldn't see it in me at first - but you are. You're reaching out for support. You can see what happened, not hiding from it, not ignoring it. That really is a huge step. Sending hugs, if OK.