SPEND A YEAR APART (at least)
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SPEND A YEAR APART (at least)
If your A spouse decides to try the sober thing..........MAKE SPACE FOR RECOVERY. Please people out there maybe in the same situation- just take that time apart. It is not pretty as they figure out life.Listen to the folks here. Ugh. Just a terrible night for us and I am trying to document it while fresh and not downplay it. I have been kidding myself that the kids are unaware, and last night proved that to me. My son (10) felt the need to intervene at a certain point. I feel terrible. I have been trying to get the kids into counseling but no provider is accepting new patients in the area. I've made an appt with my therapist... I really need to address this. I will explain below (thanks in advance for reading):
Last night as I was trying to make dinner and get kids ready for the night routine AH got worked up about physical appearances and how I look (I am maintaining a large weight loss and my mental health through weight lifting) and my goals in the gym and how "those people " (female bodybuilders) are unattractive and it's gross and then asking what my goals are, ...in a way baiting me to engage and have to defend myself after passive aggressively expressing concern for my appearance (which he has been doing for weeks/months), He said "Hey, I'm just trying to talk with you" I replied- asking him if he REALLY thought it was ok to make conversation of my body like this. It was so bad that DS interjected to tell me I am beautiful and perfect and I reassured him he was so sweet and so right
then later it escalated at bed time where he laid into me because I don't express enough interest in his appearance, how he maintains his hair and beard style to my liking , I always go opposite his preferences- basically me being myself in to spite him... . I kindly tell him very firmly that there is a difference between compliments on someone's hair or outfit or critiques I should say, vs something I can't change....like who I am. If someone can't fix it in ten seconds- not fixable. So then it goes into how I will make him look weak in comparison out in public and he wants to be equally fit next to me. and How I will be lifting couches and looking huge and he will e some wimp... A bunch of absolute statements EVERYONE this, I ALWAYS this....I told him to STOP saying these things. Nobody is saying this, except his own thoughts...I ended the convo.
---- hearing him from upstairs , I get called to son because his dad was upsetting him. I told him that dad was having a moment of melt down and I didn't like what he was saying either. I really didn't know what to say. AH walked in to ask what was wrong and I said that GDS is crying and upset because of what you are saying about yourself and then he just walked out of the room: I hugged ds again and reassured I was there for him best I could. Later AH mentioned he was having issues and needs to see his counselor again but can't afford her blah blah...Worst night ever.
I know this story is so compacted but I had to vent it. I feel terrible that this is happening. This was bound to boil over and now it is. I really really really wish we had worked toward separation during this time. I should have just done more months ago. What I have been afraid of is coming true, I have serious damage control and this has to stop. My children cannot continue to be raised in this. My love and affection and stability is not enough. I am embarrassed this happened and for sharing it.
Last night as I was trying to make dinner and get kids ready for the night routine AH got worked up about physical appearances and how I look (I am maintaining a large weight loss and my mental health through weight lifting) and my goals in the gym and how "those people " (female bodybuilders) are unattractive and it's gross and then asking what my goals are, ...in a way baiting me to engage and have to defend myself after passive aggressively expressing concern for my appearance (which he has been doing for weeks/months), He said "Hey, I'm just trying to talk with you" I replied- asking him if he REALLY thought it was ok to make conversation of my body like this. It was so bad that DS interjected to tell me I am beautiful and perfect and I reassured him he was so sweet and so right
then later it escalated at bed time where he laid into me because I don't express enough interest in his appearance, how he maintains his hair and beard style to my liking , I always go opposite his preferences- basically me being myself in to spite him... . I kindly tell him very firmly that there is a difference between compliments on someone's hair or outfit or critiques I should say, vs something I can't change....like who I am. If someone can't fix it in ten seconds- not fixable. So then it goes into how I will make him look weak in comparison out in public and he wants to be equally fit next to me. and How I will be lifting couches and looking huge and he will e some wimp... A bunch of absolute statements EVERYONE this, I ALWAYS this....I told him to STOP saying these things. Nobody is saying this, except his own thoughts...I ended the convo.---- hearing him from upstairs , I get called to son because his dad was upsetting him. I told him that dad was having a moment of melt down and I didn't like what he was saying either. I really didn't know what to say. AH walked in to ask what was wrong and I said that GDS is crying and upset because of what you are saying about yourself and then he just walked out of the room: I hugged ds again and reassured I was there for him best I could. Later AH mentioned he was having issues and needs to see his counselor again but can't afford her blah blah...Worst night ever.
I know this story is so compacted but I had to vent it. I feel terrible that this is happening. This was bound to boil over and now it is. I really really really wish we had worked toward separation during this time. I should have just done more months ago. What I have been afraid of is coming true, I have serious damage control and this has to stop. My children cannot continue to be raised in this. My love and affection and stability is not enough. I am embarrassed this happened and for sharing it.
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you can't do anything with what has already transpired, but you have many options for what you will do with today........and tomorrow.......and the days after that.
just as we wish for the A to have their moment of clarity, we must remember that we have our own as well. and we must honor ourselves and our new awareness by taking action.
just as we wish for the A to have their moment of clarity, we must remember that we have our own as well. and we must honor ourselves and our new awareness by taking action.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I'm a HUGE supporter of time & space being necessary for proper healing..... that said, sometimes you just can't see things clearly until you're READY.
Sounds like you finally arrived at that point & it changed the way you look at all of it. Don't wallow in the "should-have's" friend, give yourself a time limit on how long you'll lick your wounds in this stage & move quickly on to figuring out your next steps.
Any idea on that part?
Sounds like you finally arrived at that point & it changed the way you look at all of it. Don't wallow in the "should-have's" friend, give yourself a time limit on how long you'll lick your wounds in this stage & move quickly on to figuring out your next steps.
Any idea on that part?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you can't do anything with what has already transpired, but you have many options for what you will do with today........and tomorrow.......and the days after that.
just as we wish for the A to have their moment of clarity, we must remember that we have our own as well. and we must honor ourselves and our new awareness by taking action.
just as we wish for the A to have their moment of clarity, we must remember that we have our own as well. and we must honor ourselves and our new awareness by taking action.
Thank you for replying
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53
Yes. I'm scared.
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Originally Posted by hearthealth
I read this quote today."Let us pray to be fearless when facing dangers." You can do anything you choose to do. ((((((Thousandwords )))))). What H says reflects more on him than you. You're getting stronger and it seems he is not. There's only so far you can go with men like this.
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All about him and how you make him look bad.
Sorry about the kids. We think that we can be enough and can shield the kids from the chaos but, short of bricking up the addict in a basement room, a la Poe's "Cask of Amontillado," (which, by the way, I wish I could do to the addict in my life) we can't.
Maybe it's time for a change?
Sorry about the kids. We think that we can be enough and can shield the kids from the chaos but, short of bricking up the addict in a basement room, a la Poe's "Cask of Amontillado," (which, by the way, I wish I could do to the addict in my life) we can't.
Maybe it's time for a change?
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53
I know it is just feelings and I need to process it, but I feel like I'm leaving him behind. Guilt.
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thousand words.....to my way of thinking....
Driving someone out to the m idle of the desert, pushing them out the door, with no water and no cell phone...is deserting someone...leaving them behind....
Providing a nurturing environment for one's children, that is safe and without witnessing abuse..verbal or otherwise, is choosing the right option.....
There is a big difference....
Your first responsibility is to your own welfare and to that of your child....
Driving someone out to the m idle of the desert, pushing them out the door, with no water and no cell phone...is deserting someone...leaving them behind....
Providing a nurturing environment for one's children, that is safe and without witnessing abuse..verbal or otherwise, is choosing the right option.....
There is a big difference....
Your first responsibility is to your own welfare and to that of your child....
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
All about him and how you make him look bad.
Sorry about the kids. We think that we can be enough and can shield the kids from the chaos but, short of bricking up the addict in a basement room, a la Poe's "Cask of Amontillado," (which, by the way, I wish I could do to the addict in my life) we can't.
Maybe it's time for a change?
Sorry about the kids. We think that we can be enough and can shield the kids from the chaos but, short of bricking up the addict in a basement room, a la Poe's "Cask of Amontillado," (which, by the way, I wish I could do to the addict in my life) we can't.
Maybe it's time for a change?
It is all about him, to him. To me, it is about my children and the life I provide for them, I hate feeling pulled between a grown man king baby and my children. It should not be this way. I've known this, for a while, but it feels like it is just sinking in.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53
Yes. With this awareness comes responsibility and honestly, I'm scared.
Thank you for replying
Thank you for replying
It is totally normal to be scared. I filed for divorce this week and I'm suddenly petrified, and my situation is way milder than yours. My A is not as blatantly verbally abusive as yours, and we have no kids. Anyway, you are in good company here.
Hang in there. You can do this.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
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I am so glad I read this today. Thank you Thousand words! It made me remember similar conversations. He told me he resented me being happy! So I guess because he was miserable, he expected me to be miserable too!!
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I guess maybe I need to wrap my own head around the fact that's I don't REALLY want a divorce. No. Deep down no I do not. But I still need to act accordingly to my situation and do what is right. I hope that makes sense. Ugh.
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Thousandwords- I didn't want a divorce. I hung in there a long time. I thought he would get it that he was hurting me and he would stop because he loved me. I remember one Alanon meeting where a woman came in and said, after I shared, I am so glad I am not in an alcoholic relationship anymore. She came to listen and my story helped her to remember why she left. I remember being very angry at that woman. I thought- he has a disease- he can't help it. I felt protective towards my XAH. In a way, all I could see is what it was doing to him, not what it was doing to me. Now I understand he has HP like we all do. I was not his HP.
I wish I didn't have to make the choice to divorce. He thought he had it under control. He thought I shouldn't be hurt by his drinking, his neglect, or his comments. I think part of him thought he was a good husband and that other stuff didn't matter- and part of him knew it did matter and he was being a jerk.
And as usual I am thinking about what it did to him, how. he thought, etc. Very codependent.
I am in the final stages of the financial settlement of my divorce. The trial is next week. My emotions are all over the place. I wish I could say I am happier but that wouldn't be true.
I think often about what I lost- a beautiful home I left, a nice lifestyle, and my relationships with my two grown children who have both turned their backs on me.
I just couldn't keep living with and sleeping with a man who had no regard for my life- to the point where he refused to get me medical help when I clearly needed it- and continued to make demeaning, abusive comments.
I admit I am a broken woman. Demolished. Thank HP- I am grateful I have people who love me and treat me well, a job I am very happy in- how many people can say that?- and I love being outdoors and having enough money to be able to care for myself and my dogs. I hope to rebuild my life. Little dreams are popping up like buds opening in the spring. Alcohol is not a part of my life anymore.
I know most women in my situation return to their abuser- sometimes several times. I understand why. But I have a brain as well as a heart - and this man has shown me I am better off without him.
I wish I didn't have to make the choice to divorce. He thought he had it under control. He thought I shouldn't be hurt by his drinking, his neglect, or his comments. I think part of him thought he was a good husband and that other stuff didn't matter- and part of him knew it did matter and he was being a jerk.
And as usual I am thinking about what it did to him, how. he thought, etc. Very codependent.
I am in the final stages of the financial settlement of my divorce. The trial is next week. My emotions are all over the place. I wish I could say I am happier but that wouldn't be true.
I think often about what I lost- a beautiful home I left, a nice lifestyle, and my relationships with my two grown children who have both turned their backs on me.
I just couldn't keep living with and sleeping with a man who had no regard for my life- to the point where he refused to get me medical help when I clearly needed it- and continued to make demeaning, abusive comments.
I admit I am a broken woman. Demolished. Thank HP- I am grateful I have people who love me and treat me well, a job I am very happy in- how many people can say that?- and I love being outdoors and having enough money to be able to care for myself and my dogs. I hope to rebuild my life. Little dreams are popping up like buds opening in the spring. Alcohol is not a part of my life anymore.
I know most women in my situation return to their abuser- sometimes several times. I understand why. But I have a brain as well as a heart - and this man has shown me I am better off without him.
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I guess maybe I need to wrap my own head around the fact that's I don't REALLY want a divorce. No. Deep down no I do not. But I still need to act accordingly to my situation and do what is right.
Life is not always fair and we don’t always get what we want. Survival is a funny thing and instincts to protect children often get clouded when engulfed in a toxic environment until it becomes necessary or by force.
It’s kind of like hearing the smoke alarm go off and well things seem fine, no fire but then it keeps going off every now and again so you change the batteries. Then it begins to go off frequently so it gets ignored until one day you see and accept that the house is fully engulfed in flames and it’s hard trying to find your way out safely and unscathed or hurt.
Those of us that have left a marriage or relationship not really by choice but necessity to survive wish we paid a lot more attention to that fire alarm the first time it went off.
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Originally Posted by atalose
It’s kind of like hearing the smoke alarm go off and well things seem fine, no fire but then it keeps going off every now and again so you change the batteries. Then it begins to go off frequently so it gets ignored until one day you see and accept that the house is fully engulfed in flames and it’s hard trying to find your way out safely and unscathed or hurt.
Those of us that have left a marriage or relationship not really by choice but necessity to survive wish we paid a lot more attention to that fire alarm the first time it went off.
Those of us that have left a marriage or relationship not really by choice but necessity to survive wish we paid a lot more attention to that fire alarm the first time it went off.
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