Girl1101

This is all very recent. Mind you I have been ignorant about people who smoke weed (heavily) until now. I almost got into a relationship with someone who was so charming at first. We texted, flirted, talked on the phone. He disclosed that he had a daughter, which I was okay with, in fact excited about.

Then later on he said "I need to be up front with you, I smoke a lot of weed, and I'm not planning on changing". I told him that I don't smoke or drink, but I was okay with him doing it and won't judge him for it. I was under the impression that weed is totally harmless, and people just smoke it to get a high going because it's enjoyable.

This all happened in the first 2 weeks of us getting to know each other. He showered me with the most flattering compliments in the entire world, every single day. Always said I was the most beautiful woman he ever met, that I was everything he was ever looking for in a person, that I'm totally out of his league, etc.

There were no dates yet, just talking and texting. We never kissed or did anything else (which I am glad about otherwise things would be even more confusing for me).

Suddenly the next week he stopped texting me. When I asked if everything was okay. He would respond after 6 hours or even the next day or nothing at all. He said he has a life full of problems, financial problems, and that he has been trying to see his daughter that his ex-wife won't let him see. That his ex-wife is crazy and that she cheated on him and took his daughter away from him. I said that I was so sorry that I wish I could do something to help.

The texting slowed down even more, so whenever I texted him "everything okay?" Then he would start with saying "he's been extremely busy, and he didn't mean to ignore me, and he can't wait to see me". (We had set up a date: he specifically said he was going to cook for me and we were going to watch a movie).

On the day of our date, he said that he's off of work but hes going to go to the bar with his coworkers. I said oh okay... I'll wait. Then a few hours later, I said "hey are we still on?" He said yeah but first he has to smoke some weed with his friends and coworkers, then he will come. Fast forward 5 hours later, it was 10pm. He said he was trying to say bye to his friends but he didn't want to seem rude to leave in the middle of the conversation. At this point, I knew something was up and this couldn't work. He had ghosted me, disappeared off the face of the earth. I never heard from him again. All I said was "Hey I hope you're okay". And left it at that.

Even though I really liked him, my feelings never developed enough for me to be heartbroken, but the ghosting has left me extremely confused because of all the broken promise of meeting up with me, and all the excuses. Why did he shower me with so many compliments if he was going to ditch me? Why did he say that I was the girl he has always been looking for his entire life?

I did a lot of research and I realized that people who smoke pot heavily, prioritize pot over everything in their lives. As I start to look back on our very very short 'relationship' that didn't even start, there were so many red flags that I was ignorant about.

#1 The fact that he said he smoked a lot of weed.

#2 I'm not sure what happened between him and his ex-wife and it's none of my business, but there has to be a good reason as to why the mother won't let him see his daughter. She probably doesn't want the daughter to be exposed to a father who can't seem to stop smoking pot and has a lot of the stuff lying around.

#3 The lies and excuses. This is the most confusing to me, but I did find out that people with addiction with do and say things that are contradictory.

#4 His living conditions (renting a room) not even an apartment or house, no car, all his money going into weed, not a great job, his second job is weed-related (to buy more weed). His entire life seems to be revolving around and constructed upon the smoking of a lot of weed. Anything else is a distraction from weed and not worth going after. Including his own baby girl.

I'm not sure what else there is but since this happened really recently, I'm still trying to make sense of the situation. I feel like I dodged a bullet. I'm not angry at him, it's easy to go in the direction of "ohmygod he totally stood me up and lied to me!" And maybe he did, but I'm looking at what he told me about his life. I mean his own little girl isn't a priority to him, so why would anything else be? I feel bad for his little girl and I hope that she grows up to be a good person. I've read a lot of things where people have been in relationships for decades or even started families with heavy pot users, and it seemed to be an unpleasant experience.

I decided to post on the forum because the past month of getting to know him has been a roller coaster ride of emotions, followed by ghosting. Who cares about what I feel though... I just can't help but feel so sad for the little girl he left behind. I'm sure the mother is doing everything in her power to give her a great life and I commend her for that.

Maudcat

H, Girl1101.
Welcome to SR.
Well, sounds like you got it figured out.
Familiar pattern round here: love bombed, wooed, made to feel that this is a good beginning to a relationship, then the slow drag.
Late returning texts he would have jumped on two weeks before, or not responding at all.
Set up a date, then all kindsa things come up hindering him from actually following through.
Then the ghosting.
Classic.
You have dodged a substantial bullet, as you have said.
Actually, it's good that he showed you who he is before things went further.
You sound like you are grounded and sensible. You will be fine.
Peace.

Girl1101

Thank you! Yes reading stories online has made me see what things could have been like. I have been ignorant about behavior of addicts until now. It's good to know behavior patterns. Hopefully it makes us all wiser in our dealings in the future. I guess the most important thing is to not take it personally, because then it will allow you to see what really is happening.

Ariesagain

I would be surprised if it's only pot involved here...

Oh, and the ex is ALWAYS crazy, nasty and a cheater who is depriving the addict from access to their child and it's SO UNFAIR. A wounded victim father is a much better pickup line than, "Hi, I'm a deadbeat dad who neglects my kid for drugs, wanna go out with me?"

You're a smart cookie. Move on, yes?

Girl1101

Oh yeah I'm quite sure there's a lot more stuff involved. Won't be surprised if there was meth, shrooms, other things that I don't know about. Weed is after all a gateway drug (learned that yesterday). and he admitted to smoking A LOT of it. Earlier when we were talking, right after we met, he sent me weed pics from his second (weed) related job.

I forgot to mention in the red flag area that he spoke badly about his ex. and made himself out to be the victim. He basically said word for word of what you just said. You are absolutely right about that. It honestly makes you wonder what the ex has to say about him haha. He even trashed her new relationship. She probably is an extremely loving, good, and caring person that wants the best for her daughter. Good for her!

I believe a lot of what he has said are lies in the first few weeks of getting to know him. I met him Sept 7th and the ghosting happened Sept 24th. It's all so clear now. I'm so happy that he ghosted me actually. I'm afraid of what I could've gotten into if he followed through on the date. I would've never done my research, and probably ended up knee deep in cow pooppoo.

OpheliaKatz

This is all too familiar to me. I was told the same thing by my addict: his ex was crazy, abusive, stupid, etc... he also made himself out to be the victim, and in fact, he's still acting like one. So yeah, you dodged a bullet there.

Girl1101

Yes. Since this is all new to me. I think the ghosting is by far the most annoying. Did he do it because he got embarrassed? He just doesn't care? He's so obsessed and consumed with drugs that he's indifferent to anything else that gets in the way?

It's annoying because as a logical person, and as a person who doesn't even drink at all, these kinds of situations are not logical, and it makes no sense to apply an ounce of logic. I'm a problem solver by nature so this is a puzzle where no pieces are fitting.

But it always goes back to: Why the ghosting? If drugs were more important, couldn't he have just said so? Or just said "Im not that into you", or anything other than disappearing off the face of the earth?

I guess I will always be confused.

HardLessons

Hi Girl

He is an active addict - its what addicts do. Logic & reason do not apply.

The pieces to this puzzle wont ever fit.

If by chance you discover the secret formula to solve this puzzle, please also help me to solve my most perplexing aggravating puzzle.

Thanks

Girl1101

You are absolutely right, there is no solution. The addict's brain chemistry is all over the place which means motivations and priorities are all over the place. No way to apply reason or logic. But its something my brain subconsciously does: tries to figure out problems.

I guess a great hint could be of how an addict lives and what he has already done to his ex-family. His tight circle of friends are addicts, his life is built around catering to his addiction. He's not even in his daughter's life, shes 4 years old for gods sake, and her dad isn't around for her. Those are like the beautiful milestones you should never miss. It's the saddest thing ever.

It has to come from within an addict to actually change, and chances are it won't happen until some miraculous moment of "clarity" and I'm assuming that clarity is a very hazy and slightly high one where they hit rock bottom and realize their isolation. And they have to have the actual strength to go through the nightmare withdrawal process if they ever do decide to get clean. Which is probably the worse emotional and physiological hurdle they can ever cross.

Its so very sad. People never talk about this whenever they talk about drugs. Even I had no idea until this week when I decided to do my research.

hopeful4

At least now he has shown you what his life is like. Run. Quickly.

Girl1101

I ran far away. But think it will take me awhile to get over the confusion of things that make no sense. All the contradictions and lies.

It's weird. Almost like figuring out an addict's behavior is the same as how an addict's mind works. Nothing makes sense.

I don't even know if he's dead or alive. Just very puzzled. And I have known him for less than a month. I can't imagine how it's like for family members or people deep into relationships with addicts...

Girl1101

Also another thing is he made so many promises of cool adventurous travel dates and elaborate plans and showered with compliments, and then just like that: GONE. Disappeared. Oh yeah it's definitely messing with my head a lot. If he ever decides to get in touch with me. I'm just going to be like "what happened bro". If that even happens. Not counting on it. But god I'm just like dude what the heck. Idk, its mind blowingly confusing.

OpheliaKatz

No. If he ever gets in touch with you, don't ask what happened. Don't talk to him. This behavior is familiar to me. There will be a push and pull. A series of "mistakes" they make and then a lot of excuses and they will bombard you with affection -- either because they feel guilty for being an addict or they are in denial about being an addict and are also desperately addicted to the idea of other people thinking they are "normal". Anyway, all their behaviors are compulsive. Their relationship to drugs is like a type of OCD. They are obsessed with getting that dopamine high, because without drugs, they feel very depressed... and then you have to live with their untreated depressive behaviors (because since addiction is a symptom of denial, you won't see them participate in therapy honestly -- my addict lied to his therapist).

You will experience cognitive dissonance from the "craziness" exhibited by the active addict. So in order to make sense of it, your brain will try to apply reason to it, when reason doesn't apply. This cognitive dissonance can get you trapped in the relationship because you waste precious brain space and hours or weeks or years of your precious life thinking about the addict -- your brain tries to justify the crazy-making behavior: why did A do this? Oh it must be because blah blah and he's feeling blah blah. Soon you're dealing with the addict's crises and then the few moments of normality that come after and the cycle of punishment and intermittent reward create its own messed up dopamine cycle in your brain that you get addicted to. Please, for my sake, and yours, never contact this guy again. If I could travel back in time to when I first met my addict, I would have paid a zillion bucks to hear someone tell me NEVER to contact my addict again -- not after the first weird incident and definitely not after the second weirdness.

People in active addiction zero in on over-thinkers, under-thinkers, the naive, the elderly, the kind and helpful, because you have something they want. Maybe they do like you (or even love you), but they love drugs or drink more and whatever they have for you is not complete enough to be true like or love -- the addiction is number one, the addict is number two, their spouse is number three (if the spouse is lucky). What you have that they want is the ability to enable their addiction. By over-thinking, you are proving to him that you have the ability to manage his life, for which he will eventually resent you, and you will eventually be blamed for his addiction because you are "controlling". You end up becoming a co-dependent, even if you had never been co-dependent in any other relationship before. You have the ability in you to manage life -- they want this because they can't manage their own lives. This is bad for them and you. They are not looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend, they are looking for someone to assist their slow-motion suicide.

Those promises of cool adventures were him just making noise about imagined fantasy lives he can never have with anyone (unless you pay dearly for it in more ways than one). You wouldn't want to go sky-diving with someone who would rather have his face in a bong as he is free-falling through beautiful scenery, would you?

Girl1101

wow that was incredibly helpful. I'm glad you told me not to contact him because if he did text me again, I would have texted right back asking him whats up and what happened. think I need to just eject this from my brain. it sucks though, he painted a picture of a relationship that was clearly a lie, almost like a hallucination. how ironic.

Hechosedrugs

I am loving this new you, O! You've gained so much wisdom and now you get to use it to help others. Beautiful.

OpheliaKatz

He painted a picture of a lie because he believes in a lie. He believes in the lie that he has control over his drug/alcohol use. He believes in the lie of "no consequences" to his drug/alcohol use, therefore, if he really wanted to, he could make a lot of money, win an award, get his daughter back (tomorrow, which will never come), be a great Dad (again, tomorrow), go sky-diving, go on a trek through Nepal... etc -- NOT. His whole life is a lie. He lies to himself so he lies to you. He can't help himself. The drugs have hypnotized him and when he's talking to you as an active addict (or even 2, 4, 10 weeks sober, a "dry drunk"), he still has the mental illness that brought him to abuse himself in that way; so you will never hear the "real him" speak. You will only hear the "him that's a drug/alcohol puppet" speak. It's sad, but really, back the heck away.

Someone once said to me, you have to write down the things that people say to you that are uncomfortable truths, because drugs don't just hypnotize the people who use them, drugs use the people who use them to hypnotize others.

You know those brain slugs in Futurama? It's like that. It's not going to be a human being with a functioning brain texting you, it will be his brain slug... except this type of brain slug doesn't need to attach to you to use you, it can use you through contact with its host.

OpheliaKatz

Well... to be honest... I'm having a terrible week. I see-saw between guilt and sadness. Guilt that I could not do more to save addict (and thus the relationship), sadness that it was a toxic relationship and I was powerless over his addiction. Also, beating myself up for having been in the relationship at all. I don't think I'm wise at all. I think I've just come to understand how unwise I was... so now my self-esteem is in the ditch. I don't wish this feeling on anyone, but thanks for calling me wise. I guess I can feel a little better after you said that.

Girl1101

I just found out that he blocked me on all platforms, so he probably won't be contacting me and maybe this was more about him not being into me, and less about the addition. Who knows.
I did absolutely nothing wrong, I have only been nice and he had the nerve to block me. Wtf. I never treated him badly.
Even though I did dodge a bullet, its just so freaking confusing.
Now I'm not sure if he just hates me, or if its the addiction.
I'm so done trying to make sense of it. It's driving me crazy. Sorry it has been less than a week since the ghosting so I have yet to come out of this with a clear head.

grayghost1965

I would say you dodged a bazooka round....This was a pattern I would exhibit myself - stoke the mutual interest and then realize that they would probably dump me anyway because I wouldn't be able to hold it together for any kind of decent relationship. It sounds like he was pushing you away for the same reasons. Chalk it down to experience and call it good. You also learned that weed is addictive. Most of the weed smokers I've known were also doing other substances too, so be glad.

Girl1101

Yeah. I'm done. I guess people who are smoked out of their melted brains prefer the company of like minded people. Push away all the nice people. Prefer the company of scumbags. I don't know.
I've hit a wall with trying to make sense of this. There's nothing else I can do that will be productive for me at this point. Logic is going to waste, brain power is going to waste. Lots of unanswered "why's" just bouncing around in my head with no way to be answered. At this point it feels like I'm going around in circles.

I know it sounds like I'm into deep just for knowing someone for a few weeks. But that's how they painted the picture. So glamorously, so beautiful, so real... he also talked about wanting a serious relationship, looking for a mom for his daughter. I felt like I was going to take on a daughter and was welcoming of it. Until I found out that he doesn't even have access to her because of his life. What is so confusing is that, he was quite aware about painting a beautiful picture. All this talk about fantasy, with absolutely zero reality. That beautiful picture vaporized the minute it was painted.

I am glad he's gone. How embarrassing. I feel pathetic now. It almost feels like I walked towards a mirage just to have it disappear on me.